I had a letter arrive for me today.

and tore it up as ssoon as it arrived

didn't even give it the time of day- it could have been very important, but blah. I don't care

Anxiety is through.the.roof.
Overwhelm too. My life feels positively out of control right now. Not feeling confident that I can navigate this. Choking down the rising panic.

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Anxiety is through.the.roof.
Overwhelm too. My life feels positively out of control right now. Not feeling confident that I can navigate this. Choking down the rising panic.

Try to take slow, deep breaths. You're going through a lot for sure, and I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this undeserved s**t, but if you say you aren't confident you can navigate this, then you might not be able to navigate this at all. You have to say that you WILL do it. You WILL make it happen. Make commitments to yourself because you deserve happiness and healthiness. (Lol now I sound like Walgreens... "at the corner of happy and healthy.") And if not to yourself, then do it for someone else. But make that commitment somehow.

Commitments are how successful people are successful.

Stay strong. Stay calm. Maintain control. F*** the haters.

I had a therapy appointment this morning and I failed to tell my therapist about my self harm (which, as I've mentioned before, has escalated to the point I'm bruising myself).

I was too frightened of the idea of telling her, so I focused her attention to some other crap that I didn't care to talk about. (It wasn't anything triggering or upsetting. It was just random crap, like us reviewing my past psych evaluations). I also talked about buying a house, how I've gotten pre-approved and stuff.

I want help but don't know how to ask for it. I need to get better and I know that therapy is the way to go, but I chicken out at the last minute. Always.

She will be disappointed in me. I just know it. I mean, sure... therapists aren't supposed to judge us, but they are human like the rest of us and human nature is to judge. For example, if I purposely pooped and peed my pants during our session or told her to f*** off, what is she going to think? You can't say she wouldn't judge me.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

Try to take slow, deep breaths. You're going through a lot for sure, and I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this undeserved s**t, but if you say you aren't confident you can navigate this, then you might not be able to navigate this at all. You have to say that you WILL do it. You WILL make it happen. Make commitments to yourself because you deserve happiness and healthiness. (Lol now I sound like Walgreens... "at the corner of happy and healthy.") And if not to yourself, then do it for someone else. But make that commitment somehow.

Commitments are how successful people are successful.

Stay strong. Stay calm. Maintain control. F*** the haters.

You can do it.

Thanks bb, it comes in waves, you know? I think what set it off was waking up about 2:00 am and not being able to stop the rumination. The enormity of the task, so many things to remember to do (lists!), and, if I want my deposit back (um, yeah, hopefully) all his crap will have to be out of there too. And there is nowhere for it to go. And I will not leave to destruction irreplaceable items (I will move carefully selected items with me if need be). If there is such a thing as cheap storage, it might be worth it just to gain time to go through it.

Consider too that lil 'ol me has no car and the rainy season has come. Collecting boxes is an ordeal enough.

I keep trying to envision the settled afterwards to keep me on track...

[Blueberrybook]

Got a therapy appointment for Friday. Lost the CPS caseworker's name & number. Well, I had 2 numbers, and I think one was hers, so I tried it. The voicemail doesn't say the name, just repeats the number dialed, and the caseworker told me yesterday that she would not be answering her phone most of the day because of meetings or something.

Did not run today but only because it was raining. I could go now as it is overcast and not too hot, but I don't want to take a 2nd shower today. I feel tired. I need to eat breakfast, which got delayed because I started trying to do stuff for state financial aid, kept losing everything, and then I tried calling, but I was on hold forever. Don't have the patience, not even the patience to listen to all the choice options, and repeatedly pushing 0 does not get you to a representative. I am beginning to think either H is going to have to do this stuff with little time, or I need a person helping me with it. That has been my attention today, even with the Adderall. I dumped the laundry on the bed meaning to fold it then and got distracted after I put the laundry basket back on the dryer and only saw the laundry again when I went into the bedroom an hour later and remembered I'd wanted to fold it right away and didn't because I forgot. Don't know if it's just sky high anxiety or what though I do tend to decompensate if the situation gets frustrating or stressful.

I guess eating might help too.

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Thanks bb, it comes in waves, you know? I think what set it off was waking up about 2:00 am and not being able to stop the rumination. The enormity of the task, so many things to remember to do (lists!), and, if I want my deposit back (um, yeah, hopefully) all his crap will have to be out of there too. And there is nowhere for it to go. And I will not leave to destruction irreplaceable items (I will move carefully selected items with me if need be). If there is such a thing as cheap storage, it might be worth it just to gain time to go through it.

Consider too that lil 'ol me has no car and the rainy season has come. Collecting boxes is an ordeal enough.

I keep trying to envision the settled afterwards to keep me on track...

Sorry that you have to many complications.

Self storage is not a bad idea. U-haul would be great if you have a license (not sure if you do) or rent an SUV from some place like Hertz. If no license, how about a friend or family member to help drive if you have any nearby? Co-worker? My co-workers have offered to help me even when I didn't ask them to. I just mentioned that I needed to move and they offered me help for free, without question. Or they said that they had a brother/sister/uncle/whatever who would help. Then I offered to pay their brother etc. as motivation. But my dad's friend ultimately helped me for free.

[wildflowerchild25]

My father in law (the one I like, not the crazy one) has metastatic melanoma and only a short time left to live. My MIL and SIL are devastated. I’m pretty upset too. I’m going to have to tell my son that his pop pop is dying. We are going to try to go there to say goodbye but I’m not sure if we can get there (they are in Tennessee and we are in NJ). It depends on if I have a job or not. I don’t think I have the job I was supposed to have anymore so I’ve been applying other places. I doubt I’ll find a job anytime soon. So maybe we will be able to make it. My SIL wants to fly but I’m terrified of flying. I’d have to take some Ativan and spend the flight stoned in order to do it. Plus I can’t afford to fly right now.

I’m just so sad. This was so unexpected. I don’t know what my MIL is going to do without him. She doesn’t work and I don’t think he has life insurance. Plus all of her family is in NJ.

Cancer is a *****.

[Moose72]

This morning someone held the door for me at Starbucks. Then I had to reload my starbucks card and that took a second. So did ordering my convoluted drink. But the man behind me paid for my drink! I had ordered a bagel too but that got lost in the shuffle so they gave me one anyway. ??

I got called that there were two things missing from all that paperwork I had to turn into dhs. So i had to rush to find it all and get it there on time. It got so bad when I thought I was missing several pieces that I felt I would faint in the kitchen. Now theres even more to finish and do! Why won't it end?! And in the middle of these delusions paranoias and hallucinations. FML.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

My father in law (the one I like, not the crazy one) has metastatic melanoma and only a short time left to live. My MIL and SIL are devastated. I’m pretty upset too. I’m going to have to tell my son that his pop pop is dying. We are going to try to go there to say goodbye but I’m not sure if we can get there (they are in Tennessee and we are in NJ). It depends on if I have a job or not. I don’t think I have the job I was supposed to have anymore so I’ve been applying other places. I doubt I’ll find a job anytime soon. So maybe we will be able to make it. My SIL wants to fly but I’m terrified of flying. I’d have to take some Ativan and spend the flight stoned in order to do it. Plus I can’t afford to fly right now.

I’m just so sad. This was so unexpected. I don’t know what my MIL is going to do without him. She doesn’t work and I don’t think he has life insurance. Plus all of her family is in NJ.

Cancer is a *****.

I'm so sorry. What is the timeframe like? If it's very short, you should go ASAP if it's important to you. Though if it's a longer timeframe & you want your son to see him too, then you should go sooner rather than later, I'd think, depending on your son's age. My MIL (a kind generous woman) died in late December on the 28th. I nearly begged H to spend Christmas with his parents (I knew the time was very short, she was on hospice but so weak & not eating or drinking much, couldn't talk - she had a lung/breathing issue thing but her mind was clear) and she was on hospice at home, but he wanted to be here, he said. On the 26th, FIL called me at the movies with my daughter telling me my husband needed to get there ASAPL(luckily before the show started). H happened to be at the local library at the time which is why FIL called me. I called the library (it's not very large), and asked them to get my husband on the phone, his father needed to talk to him urgently). He booked the flight for the 28th, he called & they put him on speakerphone so he could tell his mom his plane landed safely at LAX and he loved her, and his mom passed away as BIL was driving H to his parents' house. H said, honestly, it was easier on him. Maybe his mom & God knew that. H got to be there for the funeral, which was important to him. My daughter & I didn't go, we couldn't afford the airfare. She'd just turned 10 and said she didn't want to go, and honestly, I'm glad her last memories of MIL are from August 2017, when MIL could still talk & walk around some.

I'm sorry you're in such a tough situation It would seem to me even if you had the job, they should understand the issue of a close relative dying, your son's grandfather.

[Daonnachd]

Wildflowerchild, I know how you feel. It’s difficult when we know that we have only a short time with a loved one. The grieving starts before the passing and it’s difficult to cherish the time we have. I’m going through that myself right now.

I agree with Bluberrybook. You should go visit, even with a new job. They will allow for it.

[wildflowerchild25]

I’m definitely going to go visit if we can figure out when. Drs think he has a few months left but I’d rather go sooner than later because you never know with things like this. They’re giving him radiation therapy to try to shrink the tumors to give him a better quality of life in the last few months.

I feel so bad for my MIL. First her son dies (my husband) and now this. She’s been through so much grief in her life. I’m not sure she has it in her to survive another round like this. She’ll HAVE to move back to NJ if she can to be with her family. It would be awful to be in Tennessee all alone after he passes.

I'm still experiencing likely benzo withdrawal after almost two weeks. I have some OK moments, but doing anything that physical or too long in public exacerbates my discomfort. I can't even make muffins without sweating up a storm and feeling light-headed. I don't know how anyone could go through this while having to work. And my discomfort is probably small potatoes compared to other peoples' going off a benzo. This is just my Ativan. My psychiatrist has no intention of taking me off my small dose of Klonopin.

My mood is actually OK despite the distress, and I have no funky psych stuff going on.

wildflowerchild, I'm sorry about your FIL. I know how stressful a parent's last week can be. My mother died of cancer. It is horrible!

I can't imagine an employer would prevent someone from visiting a dying close relative. If they do, then they are bad employers and that would be a sign that they would be bad in other ways.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I’m definitely going to go visit if we can figure out when. Drs think he has a few months left but I’d rather go sooner than later because you never know with things like this. They’re giving him radiation therapy to try to shrink the tumors to give him a better quality of life in the last few months.

I feel so bad for my MIL. First her son dies (my husband) and now this. She’s been through so much grief in her life. I’m not sure she has it in her to survive another round like this. She’ll HAVE to move back to NJ if she can to be with her family. It would be awful to be in Tennessee all alone after he passes.

I'm so sorry for your MIL and you going through this situation. At least you will be able to comfort your MIL. What age is your son? Because with kids, I think sometimes if the latest memories they have are of a grandparent still able to talk or interact, not with tubes and such all around, the earlier stages of a dying relative are easier on them. Depends on the age & the child's personality too. I don't know. In my case though, I had 3 living great-grandparents when I was born, 2 of them being my maternal grandmother's parents and 1 on my dad's side. When I was in 3rd grade, all 3 of them died of natural causes in the course of that school year. Going to so many visitations and funerals really freaked me out, but then again, I was also a very anxious child. It depends on the age and what you feel a child can handle. Because if my mom had thought about it, 3 funerals of relatives I personally knew in one school was too much for me, especially as I knew my maternal great-grandparents (the married ones) well. They lived next door to my maternal grandmother, who was their daughter, practically a 2nd mom to me, I was at her house so much. My middle sister (she was in 2nd grade, only 16 months younger) and I played and ran between the 2 houses all the time. And my paternal grandmother took us to visit her mom in the nursing home from time to time. But anyway, all that death was way too much for me. I have never asked my sister how it affected her, but if I remember to, I should.

[Faltering]

Today my boyfriend and I took off work for his oath ceremony. He's now a US citizen after waiting several years. I'm happy for him. I called the pdoc's office about the need for a new Adderall prescription. I'm still waiting for the pharmacy to get the Latuda order in. Right now I'm using leftover pills to get by. I also set up an appointment with an allergy doctor on Friday to see why I've been getting allergy symptoms. The neurologist wants a referral straight from my pdoc so I'll have to get that.

[scatterbrained04]

I've had some non-bipolar stuff going on the last several days that's really stressing me out. And now I feel even worse about myself than I already did because of it. So worried I'm going to swing into an episode if I can't get my stress and anxiety levels under control.

[Moose72]

Pdoc wants me to get an EKG before she ups my haldol. She does want to up my Haldol. Gotta go see my primary tomorrow.

[~Christina]

Spent a few days with our kids and the grand babies 3rd Birthday.

We are now in North Florida staying with friends. My fibromyalgia started to flare up last night and today it’s full fledged attack mode.

I feel horrible they are outside finishing up the pasture fence and I just can’t help. They fully understand but I still hate Fibromyalgia and PsA

Not sure when we are heading back to Tennessee.

Wild hun ... I am so sorry your going to lose more family my opinion go as soon as you can do you and your son will see him doing well... not as traumatic as waiting for the end. I hope your MIL can move back to NJ, needing her family will hopefully comfort her to some degree.

[Pookyl]

Feeling ok I think. I’ve run out of Coke Zero which never happens so may have to go out and get some.

I just remembered that one of my kids turns 21yrs on Monday and I’ve done nothing to organise anything. Shyte!!! My memory is rubbish.

[Moose72]

Im skipping hadol tonight because im not sure what i took earlier today.

[Cocosurviving]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Thanks bb, it comes in waves, you know? I think what set it off was waking up about 2:00 am and not being able to stop the rumination. The enormity of the task, so many things to remember to do (lists!), and, if I want my deposit back (um, yeah, hopefully) all his crap will have to be out of there too. And there is nowhere for it to go. And I will not leave to destruction irreplaceable items (I will move carefully selected items with me if need be). If there is such a thing as cheap storage, it might be worth it just to gain time to go through it.


Consider too that lil 'ol me has no car and the rainy season has come. Collecting boxes is an ordeal enough.


I keep trying to envision the settled afterwards to keep me on track...

I know this is hours late. As far as boxes go I was just in my local super Walmart and they had large moving boxes for less than $2.00. When my oldest daughter last moved in her apartment a year ago she purchased boxes from U-Haul also well as rented her truck from them. The boxes were crap. The handles kept breaking as we were carrying the boxes. The truck was fine just the boxes were the problem.

[yellow_fleurs]

Trying my hardest to keep things steady. Work is going okay, in fact I am mostly enjoying it. Felt more anxious today and some intrusive thoughts tried to pop in and get at me, I brushed them off as best I could. Finding myself a bit wired and like I don't want to sleep, but been making myself go to bed before 1 am since I have work each morning. Also eating 3 meals a day! Started tracking my moods so I can see if I notice any trends besides with these hormones. It will be easier now that I am not increasing or decreasing a med every few weeks or so.

[Unrigged64072835]

Still feeling depressed. Think it’s physical issues but have to wait.

Husband saw a new neurologist who specializes in MS. Asked a lot of questions. My husband will be switching meds in Nov. after an MRI and some other tests. He’s anxious about heart issues. I am too. He has labs and referrals tomorrow.

My glasses broke at the pads but we super-glued them together. They have to hold together for another month because I can’t afford new ones yet. Ugh.