[Blueberrybook]

Pdoc is giving me 2 weeks to start pulling it together, get my weight going in the right direction. He asked what it was today, and I fibbed, told him the same number as last week though I think I might be down 1-2 lb.

He is right, I know. He told me if I have to run off stress as a coping mechanism, then I need to eat the proper diet of a long-distance runner of my height/sex/age. Intellectually, I know he is right. Does the eating disorder know? I doubt it.

I didn't run today. That's a start, even if it was only because I had the pdoc appt. in the morning, and I wanted to get showered beforehand and would not have had time to if I had run.

He said my mood seems mixed but didn't do anything about it. I get the feeling he thinks a good bit of it is circumstantial, and he's right. He did offer if I get any social worker to help me with getting disability to fill out the paperwork for that.

So I go back in 2 weeks unless I need to see him sooner. God, let's hope not.

I heard from the social worker person or whatever she is; she has to get a release emailed to me for me to sign before anything happens, and I haven't gotten the release yet. Went on the state of TX website again to try to apply for benefits, but it's just so much. I was overwhelmed, got panicky, took the low dose Seroquel and Klonopin and rested (didn't sleep, just lay there). Pdoc told me I should try taking half of the low dose Seroquel for the panic attacks since it is making me sleepy, but I didn't feel like digging out my pill splitter and cutting it up in the middle of a panic attack.

My mood is more stable than it was at the end of last week, and I think a good part of that is because my husband is in a better mood. So yeah, pdoc probably is right about the depression of the mixed mood being mostly situational.

Tried to help my daughter with her Spanish spelling & vocabulary words. She threw a fit and got all mad at me, stomping around, throwing things. I know she hates it because we're Anglo and do not speak Spanish at home and accent marks are tricky, let alone meanings for words that are not immediately obvious or used all the time. But God, does she think I love doing it? Because I can tell you, I hate it too! Bad mood right not because of my daughter's behavior to me

I have to fix dinner and have no appetite but need to eat.

I've had better days.

[Moose72]

I hear ya. I get the same thing with my youngest: deadlines for weight gain and its not fair because he just runs off everything he eats! Meanwhile I just skipped judo. Yeah. He doesn't have mood issues but I'm in some sort of mixed episode and its not fun!

[Victoria'smom]

I'm glad you have two weeks to get things in the right direction. Your ED won't listen to reason. You may have to set times and meal plans then force yourself to eat. Try really small "snacks" every 2 hrs. an egg or apple or go-gurt. My go to is go-gurt because it's small and doesn't take concentration to down it.

[Blueberrybook]

I'm going to try my best as I really can't go IP right now. It doesn't matter with an ED anyway. You can go IP, but if you don't want to recover, you just start losing all the weight again once you're out.

That little slither of your mind though where you love being so thin and maybe even thinner would be great...!

I've had periods of recovery and relapse, recovery and relapse. As far as relapse goes, this is the 2nd worst one I've had. Maybe I should see a nutritionist or try out (yet another) ED therapist?

For now, since I hit the $7500 deductible on my crappy insurance (even if I haven't officially paid those places off - trauma surgeons, hospital, ambulance), it's met as far as the insurance is concerned, and now they cover all of my medical costs 100%, except alternative medicine (chiropractor, acupuncture, etc.) is covered at 80%. But a nutritionist would probably be fully covered. I'd have to find one who works with EDs though and not focusing on people with diabetes, or heart disease, and such. Maybe I'll call around tomorrow. I hate nutritionist appointments and ED therapy too. However, pdoc is not at all happy with my weight, and I can't go IP. He told me either I have to turn it around, or I'll end up having it turned around for me.

It is really frustrating when you know exactly what you need to do and yet can't bring yourself to do it.

And then, the stupid ED thinking will go, "Well, you're still getting your period, you're not THAT sick." Although, honestly, in college when my ED was its very worst, it took me awhile to lose my period in college, a very low weight compared to many with anorexia.

With all that, though, I forgot to mention to the pdoc about the typing words backwards issue. Next time I will. Hopefully, I can make the 2 weeks and not need to go in early or call again. I feel like I am being a very whiny, moody patient, and really, that is not usually me.

[Scooter9]

My sister had uncontrolled anxiety and spent hours every day at the gym.

She refused to listen to me or my mother to have a doctor look into it, believing instead that the gym and natural remedies would take care of it.

She didn't live long enough to take care of it - died of cancer a couple of years ago.

My point is similar to another poster here. Maybe you're trying to cope with your anxiety by running.

Maybe the root of the problem needs to be taken care of?

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by Scooter9

My sister had uncontrolled anxiety and spent hours every day at the gym.

She refused to listen to me or my mother to have a doctor look into it, believing instead that the gym and natural remedies would take care of it.

She didn't live long enough to take care of it - died of cancer a couple of years ago.

My point is similar to another poster here. Maybe you're trying to cope with your anxiety by running.

Maybe the root of the problem needs to be taken care of?

Yes, but I'm just not sure what the root of the problem is.
I have financial issues, bad ones, we might lose our house soon.
I have a 10 yr. old daughter who probably has sensory processing disorder but can't get her help through the school because my husband does not want her to have a "504" label, which would allow her to get occupational therapy for issues affecting the school day.
There's growing up with an angry, disapproving father.
Or there's childhood sexual abuse.
Or nearly getting shot in graduate school.
Or sexual abuse at a massage parlor.
Or nearly dying of a perforated ulcer and wishing I had the pain/recovery post-surgery was brutal. It made childbirth look like a dance through the park.
Of course, there's the classic Type A perfectionistic personality that made me push myself in school.
There's not having any friends other than my sisters now that my best friend from college lives in Connecticut.

So God knows I've got issues. But as to which one is the root? Heaven knows.

[Tucson]

I think it would be a good idea to get your anxiety under control. IMO This will involve the learning and use of coping skilps. You need relief now. Getting to the root of the problem may be a good idea. However, this can take a some time and some money. You may be in a better position for this at a later time.

You have friends here. If you wish, shoot me a PM. I am all “ears”. Hang in there! I will be thinking of you and your situation.

[Victoria'smom]

Please, please see a therapist and nutritionist.

[Scooter9]

Originally Posted by cln1812

Yes, but I'm just not sure what the root of the problem is.... But as to which one is the root? Heaven knows.

I should have made it clearer, I was thinking of anxiety like Tuscon said.

[bizi]

Ahead of time while not in a panic state. Cut the seroquel in half so you have it ready to take if/when You get another panic attack.
sorry you have so many stressors going on right now. Good luck with getting disability.

(((((HUGS))))))
bizi

[Blueberrybook]

I'm pretty much at the point of my life sucks. Every thing I try to help just doesn't. I get more & more frustrated & anxious & panicky. Crying a lot today again. Have had 0 contact from the social worker who was supposed to help me

[yellow_fleurs]

I am really sorry your ED is messing with you again. They are such jerks! I can totally understand the urges to fall back into those patterns under extreme stress. I am glad your doctor is taking it seriously, your posts have had me concerned about your health. I will say for my previous issues with over- exercising, it was often a combo of a need to deal with anxiety, and also my ED that came into play. I could tell the exercise was more than a way to deal with my anxiety due to the guilt and increased eating disorder thoughts that occurred if I didn't exercise. You are strong enough to overcome relapses before so try to remember that. If you need more help that is okay, too. Are there any IOP options to consider? We are here for you!!

[Blueberrybook]

I haven’t ever done IOP. There is a hospital nearby, but it has a horrible reputation. The hospital I went to both to give birth to my daughter and for the ulcer surgery is at least 45 minutes away. That is when traffic is good. And someone has to take care of my daughter. My husband is having a really hard time too. I have never seen him so down. Worse, his school district decided they should have him spend 4 8 hr Saturday’s unpaid in the next couple of months to get GT training. His teaching job is God awful hard, and they pull this on him. They already took a week out of his summer vacation unpaid (except for parking, so he could teach AP physics). We all need to be able to pull together as a family, get through this somehow.

I did exercise less today. I guess it’s a start. I didn’t cut the low dose Seroquel in half, took the whole thing for panic along with a nap.

I think I am now getting sick. I am freezing cold, and I know for a fact my house is not well insulated, and it is definitely hotter than the 75 degrees the thermostat is set. Took some Tylenol, maybe it helped a little. I had a 99.8 tempature earlier.

Still have to get my daughter from school and through homework and dinner. I am just so tired of all this. If I could sleep all day, I would.

[*Laurie*]

Have you called the social worker who is supposed to help you? (Unfortunately, the squeaky wheel gets the grease.)

Regardless of what you've heard about the hospital close to you, I strongly suggest that you check it out. If it doesn't feel right to you, leave.

I'll be honest. I am really concerned about you. You are making connections from one dysfunctional thought to another and spinning, spinning into a downward spiral. Not only is your mental health in danger, so is your physical health. My suggestion is that you stop overthinking everything and making illogical choices that are coming from a place of confused thinking, and reach out for help however and wherever you can...like, yesterday.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by *Laurie*

Have you called the social worker who is supposed to help you? (Unfortunately, the squeaky wheel gets the grease.)

Regardless of what you've heard about the hospital close to you, I strongly suggest that you check it out. If it doesn't feel right to you, leave.

I'll be honest. I am really concerned about you. You are making connections from one dysfunctional thought to another and spinning, spinning into a downward spiral. Not only is your mental health in danger, so is your physical health. My suggestion is that you stop overthinking everything and making illogical choices that are coming from a place of confused thinking, and reach out for help however and wherever you can...like, yesterday.

I know, I'm starting to worry about me too. I don't think the closest hospital would have something like IOP. It's not that large. And it has apparently earned its reputation. Everyone around here says absolutely not to use it, and due to that, the staff & doctors they hire tend to be lower quality, etc.

I did call the social worker lady back yesterday. She said she was going to email me a release form from some other case workder yesterday and never did. I didn't hear a thing today.

I think I spent too long trying to get some sort of help because I am hugely depressed this evening too.

If I didn't have my daughter, I would look into inpatient, but my husband has no help caring for her without me here, and I have never seen him so stressed out, defeated, near the breaking point himself. I know IP is an option; it's just not the way I want to do things.

As far as physical health, pdoc seems to have taken an interest in that now, and I did just have a workup done last week. I had a couple things off, not bad, a few low electrolytes (like maybe 1-2 numbers outside the range of the norm) that were probably due to dehydration. Most things were fine, other than the low iron. I always have low iron.

I'm safe at least. Not going to do anything that would deprive my daughter of a mom. I figure even if I'm not the mom she deserves to have, it's better she has me than no mom at all.

I am going to try to get my mind off things and read or failing that, soak in an Epsom salt bath.

I've definitely had better days, and I was running a low grade fever earlier in the day, so I could be getting sick. Hopefully, it was just a small bug. For all that I've put my body through, I still tend to have good physical health.

[bizi]

I am glad that you are safe.
and that you have a family to love. I know they love you and would be terribly hurt if you hurt yourself.
my brother took his life and it ruined my family for a long time...my parents are still not over it....and that was 30 years ago.
know that In patient is still an option. could your daughter go to your parents or in laws or other family members?
once my cousin came to live with us for a semester while her bipolar mom got stable.
I am sorry you are having this much stress.
I wish there was some way to help you.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

[*Laurie*]

Nobody wants to go IP. Most of us end up IP because we've passed the point of being able to make the choice of whether or not we want to go IP.

[Blueberrybook]

Doing a bit better this morning. I think I spent way too long on the forms yesterday. I think I am going to call the state today and try to have someone walk me through them, they are just so complcated. And it's hard. Hubby made $6000 more in 2017 (on the tax returns as well) because he did a summer program for teacher's of disadvantaged schools at Lamar University in Beaumont (hence how he got to know the department and professors pulling for him there). That paid $5000. He thought the job there was his this fall, and it never happened. He also got nearly $1000 (I think around $800) for the state pushing teachers to get certified to teach computer science (though I don't even think his high school offers that or if they do, just a couple of sections). Most people ignored it, but hubby is very smart; he took the grade 6-12 computer science certification and passed it (which I believe cost around $200 for the test). So he is certified to teach grades 6-12 composite science, math (which according to him was a very hard exam to pass), and computter science. Still doesn't help him with getting a job.

My BIL's aunt gave the the name of a person working for JSC (NASA). She doesn't know if they are hiring or have positions there, but I am going to do my best to track him down and ask about it.