[Tryingtobehappy5]

I feel like my life just falls apart over and over again. Bipolar and borderline are sh$t. I've been hospitalized 5 times in the last year and a half and spent the rest of the time on a rollercoaster that was just under the involuntary commitment line most of the time.

My last major episode was 6 weeks ago and I ended up on the ward for 2 weeks after being happily manic and then suddenly waking up with a mission to kill myself that day. I got more drunk than I was going to and my plan was ruined when my husband figured out what I was up to. I ended up running barefoot away from my home and a few blocks later hearing trucks behind me and then "police, stop" before being grabbed and handcuffed and then brought to the hospital where I work. I continued to fight them and my arm is still hurt from being bent behind me while they tried to get me to listen. I spent all my time in the hospital calling them names, yelling and swearing at them and told the doctor and nurse that the police were liars when they told them what I said I planned to do. I got to spend another night in a cell (I'm getting used to sleeping on the floor lol but that damn concrete was cold when they wouldn't give me a blanket or mat to sleep on) and then more time in hospital with a cop watching me before being transferred to psych. This was the first time they made me wear handcuffs for the two hour trip too and I still tried strangling myself with a seatbelt. Two more days of spending all of my time trying to figure out how to kill myself before finally coming out of that state and since then I haven't really planned to kill myself though I have had passive suicidal ideation and anger that they switched me to weekly med refills to lower the amount of pills I have around but that all feels kind of normal at this point.

That was kind of long but good to get out, the real problem is that my family is not doing well. The hospitalizations and moods are confusing and scary for my kids ages 6,8 and 10 and they misbehave constantly and I have an incredibly hard time dealing with it. Then my husband basically told me tonight he can't care anymore. That if he wakes up and I'm not near him he freaks out until he knows where I am and I have been drinking the last week every night and he says he feels like its driving him crazy. I didnt know he worried so much but at the same time I don't understand how he could stop caring if he loves me which he says he does.

I go to my therapy and psychiatrist appointments and I've been taking my meds consistenly even though I have to pick them up weekly thanks to my "recurrent suicidal urges" but apparently that isnt enough to show I'm trying. I just dont think it's fair to act like I should be doing better at all of this because I feel like it's all the stupid disorders fault. He doesn't like that I work now (since June) because it puts more stress on him and I don't do enough around the house but I didnt before anyways and I love my job so much.

I'm just so frustrated and worried about what is going to happen and I don't have any friends to talk to. I'm glad to have a place to let this out, can't spend all my time in therapy haha. I usually just write things and keep them to myself but this feeling is too much for that to work, this is better.

Wow, I am sorry you life is so out of control, and yes, the bipolar "chemistry" are definitely a large part of it. Hugs.

Keep trying to achieve stability, however you can. After my own very serious attempt, I know very rarely drink (in the last 12 months, I have only had one glass of wine). I think when you are bipolar, when you are feeling good, you can get carried away with drinking but then drinking too much eventually pushes you into a deeper depression because alcohol is a depressant. For the sake of your children, would you consider obstaining from alcohol? I know that that would not solve your very serious challenges controlling your mood swings but it would help. I am so glad that I gave it up. Hugs.

[Gabyunbound]

I am so sorry that stability has been so elusive. And that you have suffered so much, along with your kids and husband.

I am concerned about your recovery because of a thought you expressed in sharing how you are going through all of this:

I just dont think it's fair to act like I should be doing better at all of this because I feel like it's all the stupid disorders fault.

Unfortunately, and as terribly hard as it probably is for anyone, I think it's important to take some ownership of your behavior (NOT that it is your fault, per se, it is part of your illnesses). I, personally, think it's a first step towards healing and improvement in symptoms. It's not that you 'should' be doing better, it's that you can do better and frankly I think this can breed optimism. You can (not should) do better, you can move forward, you can conquer these things.

I hope this doesn't sound judgmental, I just hope that this thought process doesn't impede your healing. You're worth it, you're worth whatever it takes to heal. You suffer from terrible illnesses, but their presence in your life is neither their, nor your fault. I think if you remove the 'faults' and 'should's' from the equation, you will move that much closer to healing.

[Blueberrybook]

I am sorry things have been hard for you. Do you feel you are making progress with your therapist or just not connecting?

I do the right things too - take my meds, keep all my appointments, started therapy, and still my life sucks. I can't work (ends me in or near the hospital every time), finances are tight as H is a high school teacher. His salary looks good on paper, but if he manages to bring home $30,000 in a year, we're lucky. So much is taken for taxes and healthcare. Mostly healthcare, and crappy high deductible health care at that.

Even without MH issues, my life sucks. MIL died the very end of December, substantially tightening FIL's finances, now we can get no help there and not from my family either. I turned 40 in January. I got a perforated ulcer on Valentine's Day, of all days, nearly died but instead needed ambulance, emergency surgery, 6 day hospital recovery (the WORST pain EVER, I wanted to die and die and wished I could have killed myself in the hospital, I hurt so much, and the stupid morphine made me so queasy, I just ended up with more shots. Long, painful recovery, followup with expensive GI doc, upper endoscopy, medical bills from every direction, no money for anything over the summer. H was practically promised his dream job in the fall around June, and it didn't happen. Back to teaching (time-consuming & stressful, mostly because of admin things and a horrible principal). No money. Emailed too much to a person I thought I could trust. Boom! Police show up & I have to go to the psych ER (it was go voluntarily or in handcuffs, not really any choice). Horrid psych ER treatment, released, CPS case opened against me (eventually, abuse on my part was ruled out), but now my daughter's principal/counselor/2 main teachers likely know; she is in 5th grade, so elementary school, it's small. Even tighter finances. HOA on our case for a violation that has been there 10 years and suddenly they notice. Two *itchy women in charge with nothing better to do, like help the Harvey victims in our neighborhood, or get the city council to repair our slanted, dirt coated sidewalks (a danger to walk on, let alone jog or push a stroller). More stuff too but you get the picture. I feel like bad luck was made with us in mind. I am to blame for a lot of the financial stuff with manic spending sprees, but have not had one of those in years now.

So I get that life can suck. I want stability both mentally & financially. This past year has been the worst year of my life, easy.

And the year isn't even over yet.

[Victoria'smom]

Is there a way to go into Partial Hospitalization or Intensive out patient? They are usually 3+ weeks where you go to a center during the day and then back home at night. Most of them have groups during the day and some even has psychiatrist that you see through out the week.

[Tryingtobehappy5]

Nowinners, I don't know about giving up alcohol. I went for a run because I have used that to help me fight the thoughts before and the run was great but I still drank when I got home. I finished my bottle tonight though so we will see how tomorrow goes. I can go a while without it and then I give in and its very hard to stop. I kind of want to and know I should though especially on the lithium, wellbutrin and depakote with the interactions it has. At the same time the fact that I'm probably working my way to an early death makes me happy most of the time.

Thank you Gabyunbound, you don't sound judgemental, it is more like a reality check. I definitely need that sometimes and I agree that I can do better. I really tried today and it was better. I can do better most of the time if I choose to I just feel like I almost need someone on my case all of the time though lol. Of course the episodes can cause lots of things that are out of my control but that is not constant and I can work around the energy level changes in between the episodes.

Blueberrybook, I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. One thing I am incredibly lucky of is that I'm in Canada so healthcare is not a cost I need to worry about, that must be an incredible burden. I really like my therapist. I have never gone to therapy unless I have been forced(once when I was very young when my parents were divorcing and brother had leukemia leaving me living with my older sister and once when I tried to commit suicide at 17) I always quit as soon as I was allowed. So this is really impressive that I have gone for almost 2 years but she asked me what she is doing as my therapist last time I went and I couldn't really give a good answer. I dont listen to advice most of the time, it feels like more of a venting session for me which helps in a way but isnt great for progress obviously.

Miguel'smom we dont have anything like that here. I see my psychiatrist every few months and my therapist every few weeks and psych wards are 2 hours away. I went to a crisis stabilization unit last summer which was much nicer, a house with mandatory group and curfew but otherwise mostly freedom, but it was still inpatient and 4 hours away from home. That could be an option sometimes but I feel like it would be so hard on my family so when my therapist brings it up I just say no.

Originally Posted by Tryingtobehappy5

Nowinners, I don't know about giving up alcohol. I went for a run because I have used that to help me fight the thoughts before and the run was great but I still drank when I got home. I finished my bottle tonight though so we will see how tomorrow goes. I can go a while without it and then I give in and its very hard to stop. I kind of want to and know I should though especially on the lithium, wellbutrin and depakote with the interactions it has. At the same time the fact that I'm probably working my way to an early death makes me happy most of the time.

Hugs. Keep trying. Though I did binge drink once a month or less in college (it was definitely associated with hypomania)--I was a very moderate drinker before being prescribed Wellbutrin. The Wellbrutrin made it so that the drinks would never make me tired resulting in me continuing to drink after everyone else went to bed. Then the drinking would interfere with the quality of my sleep. It is so important to get some quality sleep every night. It helps that we do not keep alcohol in the house and that my husband no longer drinks. This link describes perfectly some of the reasons I drank after college and other reasons I no longer drink:
THE COMPLICIT CONSPIRACY OF ALCOHOL | Bewitching Kitchen

[Tryingtobehappy5]

So much truth in that article. I started drinking when I was 15 so this has been a pattern for over 10 years now. This might sound incredibly stupid but I hadn't even had a single thought about the last time I let myself drink like this which was last summer. That article somehow made it finally come to mind. Last summer I went into inpatient for help to stop drinking after my husband and therapist begged me to since I kept ending up in the drunk tank because I would get extremely out of control and try to kill myself. I was very sick even though I didnt expect to have any withdrawals and it took almost a week before I could think of a single good thing about myself. I don't want that to happen again. I didnt drink tonight but I definitely wanted to. This will probably take some time to get over but hopefully I can do it. Plus I'm sick enough, these new meds are giving me heartburn, nausea and vomiting every day. Of course I have the thoughts like, then again, if I'm gonna be sick anyway....

Thanks for caring Today was a bit better even though tonight has been very rough. There is some hope!

So glad you didn't drink last night. Now that enough time has passed, I don't miss it that much though sometimes the commercials make me think--that would taste so good right now.

It is good that your spouse is supportative. If mine still drank (and therefore was keeping alcohol around the house), I likely would drink more than I do and I shouldn't either because of my medications. I think it is helpful to not spend a lot of time with people who encourage you to drink which reminds me that I did have some margaritas and occassionally drank a glass of wine when I visited my dad in January (So more than just one drink in the past year). His girlfriend is a heavy drinker and I am afraid that I abstain when I am with nondrinkers but tend to join in when I am with people who do drink. Hope your family and friend either don't drink or drink very moderately.

One day at a time and if you mess up one day--that doesn't mean you can't do better the next. Making changes in your life takes time. You can do this....

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sad you've been through all of this I'm glad you're doing better now. Nowinners is right - you CAN do this, one step at the time. Also, I think it's great that therapy is helping you to vent, but remember that it's supposed to help, too!