Anxious. And this morning I realized that it's not *just* the anxiety of starting a new job. Well, it's related, but... Have I mentioned it's a union job? I LOATHE unions and am royally PISSED OFF at being forced into one. This is making me very agitated. (I also feel tricked as no mention had been made of it and then a letter appeared from them -- after I'd already given notice at my old job.) I'm more than ready to launch into a diatribe on the subject at anyone in my path. This is not a good state for maintaining the stability I've been having. And I just can't calm down about it.

And I need to call them this morning.

To find out about insurance. Oh, this ought to be fun. I really want to rip someone a new one.

I have been SO CALM. SO BALANCED. And this has sent me positively ballistic.

This has me in fear for my stability. I feel like a cornered animal.

It was nice being with my husband yesterday. He had President's Day off, a holiday I never had off at my former workplace. We were out at places like Lowes and grocery stores for most of the day. I was tired!

I've had a bit of trouble getting to sleep as early as I've wanted lately. I'm not sure why. I don't think it's any growing hypomania, just being more physically active than usual, which is good. I don't want to bet on it, but I feel like I've lost a few pounds. However, sometimes I think that and I haven't, or even gain a few pounds.

I see my psychiatrist today. He gives me 20 minute sessions, which are usually plenty, but today he has to fill out a form for me. That's a bummer, because I have a number of things to mention, and I hate racing through topics like a whirlwind. I actually really enjoy seeing him. He's almost like a father figure.

I finally washed my hair today. It was looking a little scraggly.

I'm on the cusp of some steps forward, but I'm procrastinating something I need to do to get that rolling. I've got to push myself. My therapist expects that I will have it done by Thursday.

[Lefty Seven]

Non-dairy creamer is flammable. Act accordingly.

[Blueberrybook]

Here and exhausted. My daughter (11 years old) had insomnia last night and kept getting more and more anxious as the night wore on, waking me and crying. She did not go to sleep until 5 or 5:30 AM. After she kept waking me, I could not go back to sleep after 2 AM. Woke her around 10:30 AM, had a sort of brunch and took her to school around noon (though she's still counted absent). But at least she won't miss her 2nd teacher's instruction after lunch and can get her homework from the morning class she missed. I only got her to sleep giving her Benadryl, but this keeps happening (though usually not this extreme, and this is the 1st time I resorted to children's Benadryl).

I just don't know what to do. It doesn't help that I've read circadian rhythms change for teenagers, and though she is only 11 (5th grade), she is advanced physically and already the size of a small adult, 5'1" tall and just over 100 lb. And she's always been ahead mentally in all her subjects even if she is behind with some fine motor skills (brushing out hair tangles, climbing down stairs, tying a bow), but it seems to be getting better with things as time goes by. I am pretty sure she has sensory processing disorder. We just can't afford to get it diagnosed & get the occupational therapy she needs as most of the things she has issues with do not affect her school day, so the school does not pay for any treatment.

[Moose72]

Talked with pdoc's nurse. Im back on seroquel to rid me of this hypomania.

I showered today after not showering for I don't really know how long but a while. Did some other stuff hoping I would feel better but that didn't happen. My mom reminded me if it weren't for her I'd be living under the bridge or permanently locked up and she's right. Still having suicidal thoughts but no intentions. Yee

[Sunflower123]

Feeling pretty good although I pulled a muscle in my back carrying a microwave in. Going to Drum Circle tonight and bible study and another meet up tomorrow. Getting back into having a social life. Seeing pdoc tomorrow. Feeling better so not sure I’ll bring up my slip up. I know, I know...I need to tell him.

This thing with my mom has turned into a full time care giving job for me and it shouldn’t be. She is in excellent health and when I catch her off guard she acts more than capable of caring for herself. It’s when she’s with someone that she acts old and feeble. As much as I love her, she is demanding, unreasonable and difficult to deal with. Her mother, Gigi, was the exact opposite and such a pleasure to be around.

I feel totally used up, taken advantage of and unappreciated. I’ve thought about talking to her or trying therapy. She is stressing me out and I’m exhausted and she’s making my brother really anxious which is not good for him.

I don’t know what the answer is but thanks for letting me vent.

Warm wishes and hugs to all.

I saw my psychiatrist earlier. He filled out a form I needed him to complete. Then when I got home, I photocopied them and just glanced at the cover letter, which has been the same for years, and saw they now require a copy of the most recent appointment's notes. Dang! I had to call and leave a message asking for them. I got worked up and also wrote a note and delivered it back to his office in an envelope (he's only 5 mins away by car). The secretary was gone, so I slipped the thing under the hallway door. He must have still been there (or the other doctor) because the door to the waiting room was open.

He often acts so stiff, despite knowing me for 13 years. I think he thought my mood was a little elevated. Was/is it? I don't know! I did sort of tease/flirt with him mildly, but I do that a lot with many men, plus he knows I absolutely adore him. Whatever! I guess I have to act like some kind of stiff person from now on. But then he'd think I was depressed, and/or I probably wouldn't be successful at that because I suck as an actress! I'd probably start laughing towards the end.

Before I went to the appointment, I had in my mind to ask if I could finally stop the Ativan weaning off (go to 0 mg) or lower my Seroquel XR to 500 mg. But then towards the end of the session he said "I think you should just stay where you are with your medication." [Meaning 550mg Seroquel XR - all the rest always stays the same.] And instead of me saying I'd like it lowered, I said "I know the word 'patience' very well! I'm going to just keep being patient. My mom would be proud that I've finally learned it very well, but it's still like a thumb in my side!"

I'll be curious to see what in the heck my last visit's notes say. I've never even seen his notes. I'd be curious to really know what in the heck he writes. Or will he make some kind of crazy thing up?

I told him about that psychologist that rejected me because she thought I need "a team". He didn't comment on that either way. I was sort of hoping he'd say something, but the problem is that sometimes I say a lot of things and he doesn't comment. I just keep talking and he either stares or nods and I'm so wrapped up in what I'll say next that I don't think about forcing a response. I only wonder what he was thinking well after the fact. And I never remember to ask him next time, because there's a whole new set of things to talk about. It's often similar with my therapist.

[Moose72]

I don't want to take the seroquil! Im lovin myself right now! Getting along great with everybody, lovin life, having the best sex of my life. I don't want to give that up!

[Moose72]

I talked with C today. Known each other 10 years maybe?
We talk on the phone most days of the week for hours at a time. We talk about everything. The last few times we've talked have been great. Both sides. I like communicating with him. Its been that way forever actually- but something changed this week. We are open with each other, going places we just hadn't before personally. Funny how these things work themselves. He is a positive person!
"I attempt from love's sickness to fly in vain for I am myself my own fever and pain." Oh wise Purcell! Its silly to get all twitterpated at our ages but whatever. Hahaha!

[wildflowerchild25]

I felt great today. Almost bordering on hypomanic but definitely not because I wasn’t overly energetic. Just euphoric. It was amazing. I didn’t let anyone bother me at work and I even talked a lot. Mostly I stay silent.

Unfortunately I received bad news after work that took the wind out of my sails. My father in law has taken a turn for the worse. The tumors have multiplied in his brain. They are hemorrhaging and he is having seizures. He is unconscious and only has days left to live. We will not be able to say goodbye to him as he can’t make it here from Tennessee. No one knew he had such little time left. It’s very sad and today I had to tell my son that his beloved grandfather is dying. He was so upset.

I’m doing ok, I know that I will be fine when he passes but I will probably lose it at his funeral like I did with my brother in law. Why is there so much death? My sister In law is a wreck. She just lost her brother unexpectedly in October and now she will lose her stepfather. It doesn’t seem fair.

[cashart10]

Checking in but will read later...I just need to wallow right now. IOP this morning. Then shopping with my mom and aunt which was actually nice and I bought spring home decor. Then I came home, relaxed a bit, made dinner, helped my daughter clean up the kitchen, then went to Boy Scouts with my son. Came home and gave my son a shower (I didn’t make the girls take one because imo they are still young enough for every other day and they will be able to take one tomorrow night but my son will have a few Boy Scouts things to do so he won’t). After that, took a shower myself and now listening to Ani Difranco. Feeling the need to cry.

[yellow_fleurs]

I expected to wake up feeling crappy after traveling and little sleep, but sometimes my mind surprises me and I felt super calm and focused. No clue where that came from, but thank goodness. I do not get this brain of mine sometimes. I spent the weekend visiting my SO and my mom. We were supposed to go skiing, but there was no snow so we just went hiking instead. Still a good time. I ate lots of delicious food and rested. Maybe that is why I feel okay. I watched a documentary on the planet Earth tonight. Wow, we are really part of an amazing planet, and all of us are miracles in a way when you consider everything that had to come together for us to exist. So, if you are being hard on yourself, that is something to consider.

[bizi]

3 weeks ago I fell and hurt my ribs....They are still painful, thru out my work day, but are much better.

I am awaiting a note from my lawyer. Am anxious to hear what he has to say in regards to my statement. The state board of nursing is like the firing squad. guilty unless proven innocent.
IT is not fair.
bizi

[AspiringAuthor]

I had a good day at work. Last week I had a medication-induced short mixed state and now it seems so far away - apparently it is the mood-congruent memory syndrome at work. Or at play - if you ask me now, I'd say "play".

[Wander]

Saw my T today. I have finally physically and mentally crashed from being so intensely busy the last 12 days since suddenly finding myself well and in my right mind. We both agree that I am still psychologically well just crashing Fibromyalgia wise. I have a busy two days then I can rest two days. I should recover by then.

It became apparent that I am very traumatised from my lengthy mixed episode with psychosis. I have had many , many mixed episodes in the past and a couple with psychosis but this one has done a number on me. We discussed practical things I can do right now to help beginning to heal, and that the need to go through it more deeply may come up but no pressure. This is worse than I realised.

Despite the exhaustion and trauma I feel decent. About to have a much needed afternoon nap as my brain is fried and I have a spare hour.

[TheSeaCat]

Hello everyone and Happy Tuesday; I hope everyone had a good day. I had an okay day not really the best but certainly not the worst. My Niece made it through the night which was a good thing; I didn't exactly sleep the best in fear of getting a call from Aunt or Uncle saying that they had to take her to the ER. She made it to the morning and was able to make her appointment with doc and it was not the flu; strep throat; her thyroid; or anemia like we all had hoped.

Instead she had a murmur which means Cardiologist which lucky for me my Cardiologist was more than willing to help out since the first Peds Cardiologist I called they told me May and well doc and I were both concerned and he told me I don't really deal a lot with children but I can at least take a look and at least get you guys some answers; he checked her out and sent her for an Echo and sure enough she's like Auntie and has something wrong with her heart. She has a medium sized hole in the top portion of her heart also known as an Atrial Septal Defect; which means some form of surgery. She goes tomorrow to see someone else in my Cardiologist's office since she is showing symptoms when she's never had a murmur or Cardiac symptoms before so they really aren't messing around which I really appreciate.

Afterward I kidnapped her for a girls night with just the two of us. We went to her favorite resturant and went to Build-A-Bear and shopping at the mall; trying to get her mind of things. I figured why I had her Aunt and Uncle could explain to the sister what was going on. I was sick of being the doctor's translator. I am glad I work this Saturday so I can make up for the time I've missed; also I'm going to have to use a vacation day for her surgery day; I think HR will see that I want a day off and think something is seriously wrong since I usually don't ask for a whole day off and most of my appointments are between me and my boss.

Hugs to everyone

[~Christina]

Tactile hallucinations are going away , YES !!! Not a 100% but definitely downward.

We have rain for a solid week here. Gloomy weather, welcome to middle Tennessee winters ! Just hopeful Nashville doesn’t flood again.

* flings cookies to everyone*

Hubby and I thought he'd have a snow day today, but it has yet to snow, though it looks like it will soon. It will surely snow later, so maybe he'll get out early, but will need to drive in it.

My psychiatrist got back to me last night. He's always quick to respond.

I hope everyone has a good day, or at least finds some moments that are nice. Sometimes you just have to grab those moments (even fleeting ones) and remember them.

[liveforsummer]

Feel fine, unwell, very irritated, smiley and pleasant, anxiety in waves, tired, confused, I want to be home and yet I don’t want to be here at all, defeated, the thought of jumping on a plane is soooo enticing, avoiding and hiding from life, very slight hypomania keeps popping in that includes cosmetic surgery and Vegas! At the moment, in bed, trying to get up.

Happy Wednesday. Winter needs to end.

Today is first day on the new job. Nervous. Got lots of sleep though (10 hours with only a bit of wakeup(!!) ) Amazing, really. Was super-tired, so falling asleep was no problem. Took a gabapentin for the staying asleep part (the on-going experiment). I think I'll do alright learning-wise, but am apprehensive about dealing with all the noise and people. Especially the people.

[Blueberrybook]

Here today. Tomorrow I run out of Adderall and will be out approx. 1 week. We have crappy temporary insurance without pharmacy coverage (H's new good insurance kicks in March 1) and even with a discount card & at Walmart, it's expensive.

Well, in fact, last month, I tried to get the Walmart in my town to fill it because they'd be cheapest with a discount card like GoodRX, and the pharmacist wasn't "comfortable" with it, so I paid a $225 fortune at my grocery store drugstore. Called the pdoc's office & asked if they could have pdoc call in a script to get me to March 1 at a Walmart in a neighboring town or if not that, then my normal grocery pharmacy but only a supply until March 1. You'd think that stuff was gold, as much as they charge.

I don't know that running out & just waiting until March 1 to get the prescription would be the best choice though H seems to think it would be just fine. I don't need withdrawal symptoms without a taper, and my daughter has a ton of stuff going on this weekend & next week.

[Daonnachd]

I met with my therapist today. We basically talked about what joy our children bring us. I shared with her some art I'd done reflective of the trip with my son. Being an art therapist she was very happy I had produced it.

[yellow_fleurs]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

Here today. Tomorrow I run out of Adderall and will be out approx. 1 week. We have crappy temporary insurance without pharmacy coverage (H's new good insurance kicks in March 1) and even with a discount card & at Walmart, it's expensive.

Well, in fact, last month, I tried to get the Walmart in my town to fill it because they'd be cheapest with a discount card like GoodRX, and the pharmacist wasn't "comfortable" with it, so I paid a $225 fortune at my grocery store drugstore. Called the pdoc's office & asked if they could have pdoc call in a script to get me to March 1 at a Walmart in a neighboring town or if not that, then my normal grocery pharmacy but only a supply until March 1. You'd think that stuff was gold, as much as they charge.

I don't know that running out & just waiting until March 1 to get the prescription would be the best choice though H seems to think it would be just fine. I don't need withdrawal symptoms without a taper, and my daughter has a ton of stuff going on this weekend & next week.

Hope it's a quick week and you don't experience too many symptoms going off the Adderall. Did the pharmacist say why she wasn't comfortable? That is interesting since other pharmacists filled it.

[cashart10]

Had a VERY busy day today and it was wonderful. I didnÂ’t go to group because I saw my therapist and insurance wonÂ’t cover both. So, I got the kids on the bus then my husband and I got ready and left. First we went to Starbucks for coffee and breakfast and then he drove to a friend of his house to work on his car. I sat at in our car and played on my phone. It took about 1/2 or so. Then we went to a music store so he could look at some parts for his guitar and then to a department store to find a new wallet to match the purse my mom bought me (with Christmas money). Then we went to my therapistÂ’s appt. we left and went straight to this little fish restaurant IÂ’ve never been to. It was delicious. We left there and went to Sams then Walmart. We listened and sang along to 90Â’s alternative music which really took both of us back. It was a lot of fun. Then we went home. The kids got off the bus and we had to work on several Boy Scout projects with my son including painting his tool bin so we let our daughters paint a bird house that one of them got for her birthday last year also. They had fun and it was fun to supervise. Then we had to improvise on dinner because I need to go to the grocery so my husband made fajitas with stew meat lol. The meat was tough but they were still delicious. I gave my youngest a shower while he was cooking. We ate dinnner. Now we are all kind of doing our own things so I just have to make sure I stay out of my own head this evening and IÂ’ll actually be able to say I made it through the day without feeling depressed. Either way, most of the day is a major improvement!