[PeterPandora]

That's not wierd, i don't think so. I loved your logic to tell you the truth, he loved tools. I'm a carpenter, so to think that someone would be so thoughtful....i think you are in your own way celebrating the man you remember, and that's both joyous and incredibly painful, given its trying to deal with both past and present.

Be kind to yourself. No one, no matter how strong mentally, would find what you've done easy. Unless they were cold, numb, or processed the thoughts you a point where pain no longer existed. Out of thoughtfulness, kindness, respect, wanting him to be remembered as you saw him. And there's not a lot of things more triggering than music our photos, for they both drag us into the past, for better or worse depending on thoughts and memories we attach to them.

Square breathing, simulate your senses, smell, touch, grab something out of the freezer and feel the cold, wall outside and describe out loud tge first three things you see to help with the panic.

Most of all, remember you're human, allowed to hurt, to feel pain, and it's ok to let it out. It shows what sort a person you are inside. From what you've said, that's a very loving person.

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

Having a meltdown. 4 weeks from my father's death and the tears finally started. I wanted to do this my therapist but apparently I just needed to listen to my father's favorite music and I'm verging on a panic attack. I guess I need to play youtube music in therapy? (OK, opening the box with the ashes had a role but I've melted into a sobbing mess and having to focus on breathing for whatever reason). I put my father in my garage.....how weird is that?????

[Wander]

Utterly exhausted. I think I broke myself swimming so hard for so long. I was so anxious I couldn’t stop. Now Fibromyalgia has hit hard so although I can’t sleep (thanks insomnia) I can rest. My partner is here sleeping next to me. It is 2.15 pm. At least he’s happy to rest too. Still we need to do some errands. My partner hates feeling pressured but he also avoids doing things when they absolutely have to be done. Anxiety I guess.

My anxiety has been awful. I find myself staring at nothing most of the time. I just shut down. I want to run away but I know I can’t escape it. I use breathing and other techniques and to be honest they suck. Best things are distraction, beach and laying in bed listening to the birds. See T tomorrow. Will begin to with my terror of dying. I feel sick and can’t eat much. My T is great so I’m sure he will guide the process correctly.

[GoldenSnitch]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Well my severe dry mouth is just as bad today. I have already drank a gallon and still going.

I lugged my water with me to my rheumatologist appt and had to drink water twice while I was talking to the doctor, he said it’s great to stay hydrated yeah but this is outrageous.

Got a lot of things done over the weekend , need to find a new vanity for a bathroom, saw a ok one at Home Depot but I want to check at Lowe’s also. We also are putting new flooring down on the bathroom. Once that’s done the only other thing we need to update is our bathroom and then it’s all done.

Vacation in 14 days

Home Reno’s make you feel good

And yay vacation!! Have a great time

[GoldenSnitch]

Originally Posted by LadyShadow

Much more stable than I have been in a long time. Enjoying being back here after being gone so long. Today I cleaned out my desk and some drawers and my entertainment center. I enjoyed good music and some incense. I also applied to a bunch of part-time jobs - I had a call with a case worker who said some promising things about the Ticket-To-Work Program. So happy to start getting my life in order!

This is amazing!! Good for you

[GoldenSnitch]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

Having a meltdown. 4 weeks from my father's death and the tears finally started. I wanted to do this my therapist but apparently I just needed to listen to my father's favorite music and I'm verging on a panic attack. I guess I need to play youtube music in therapy? (OK, opening the box with the ashes had a role but I've melted into a sobbing mess and having to focus on breathing for whatever reason). I put my father in my garage.....how weird is that?????

I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine what you must be going through right now.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I woke up for the bathroom and my eyes are so red and swollen I look like I have a mutant pink eye because I cried so much. Thing is that now that I've cried it's going to be a lot easier.. Plus all it takes is his favorite music. He loved this musician so much that I'm named for one of his songs. There's lot ofti so probably an endless stream of possible songs.

Anyway, hope my eyes recover by 3 when I have to go ut in public and don't want to scare people.

I go to the psychiatrist tomorrow -- not a whole lot to report. I'm on the sad side but a lot better than I was. I think the meds are working to the extent they really can. I hope it goes well.

[Scooter9]

I finished my book after a few marathon writing sessions.

I published it on Amazon and it's waiting for approval.

I'll post a thread once it's approved and I can make it free for a few days.

I was hoping that the project would elevate my mood but I had some bad days while I was writing, but I managed to finish it anyway. I'm glad it's done.

Congrats on your accomplishment, Scooter! It must feel great to have finished such a big and important project.

I finally washed my hair after who knows how long. I don't know why I hate that task so much. I do shower a lot more often, but usually with a shower cap on. I think I felt motivated to finally wash my hair because of my therapy appointment today. I didn't have therapy last week since she was away.

I think my therapist will be a great help this week. I need to set some goals and having accountability really helps me. I am not depressed, but have motivation issues all the same. I think there is some fear involved. Fear of taking more next steps.

Tonight I will attend the second lecture of a modern China lecture series I signed up for. Last week's was only so-so. Tonight's should be much more interesting and significant. Next week's could potentially be the most useful. I'll be angry at myself if I miss that one.

[fern46]

Congrats Scooter on the book. You cranked that out so quickly! I'm still working on my maybe book, but I am still in the process of researching and outlining.

Today has been a good one so far. I spent several hours at a park by the lake. The sun came out and it was nice.

My anxiety has been better overall since my pdoc reduced my Risperdal. I see him again on Thursday and I am hoping he drops it altogether.

Wishing everyone a wonderful day.

[Scooter9]

Originally Posted by fern46

Congrats Scooter on the book. You cranked that out so quickly! I'm still working on my maybe book, but I am still in the process of researching and outlining.


Today has been a good one so far. I spent several hours at a park by the lake. The sun came out and it was nice.


My anxiety has been better overall since my pdoc reduced my Risperdal. I see him again on Thursday and I am hoping he drops it altogether.


Wishing everyone a wonderful day.

Thanks! I was about half way through the last time I posted and I really made a major push to get it done. I spent far too much time writing but I wanted to get it done and off my plate.

What helped me most was following my own table of contents so I knew how much work was left to do and I could see my progress. It's non fiction so that makes a difference too. I think fiction is harder to write.

Stick with it, you'll finish it when you need to

[Scooter9]

@BirdDancer thanks! It was an experience for sure.

I'm debating whether to start another one or just write a bunch of blog posts.

I thinking of writing about journaling and feel I could write a short book about it.

[downandlonely]

Congrats on the book @Scooter9!

[LadyShadow]

Really good day. It may be gloomy and damp outside, but I am floating on Cloud 9!

[Unrigged64072835]

Email from insurance company said the letter about my father’s insurance policy was legit. Sent information back to my brother and he filed the claim. At least that is done and I’ve done my sisterly duty.

No news about the accident on Sunday, though we did see a broken truck and boat being towed off at the time.

Have some fabric and thread so sewing will ensue. At least I hope so or else it’ll be a long, boring month.

My sleep is becoming more sporadic. I’ve also had more periods of feeling hyper. May be spring fever, but will keep an eye on it.

Love and hugs for those who want them.

[pirilin]

I'm lazy. Since birth. Took eleven hours in labor.
A true procrastinator. Act in the last millisecond.
My motto: "Never do today what you can do tomorrow".

Guess what, I want to act now and can't.
I dunno if it's this cold still, or I'll be like this from now on.
I hope not.
Even if I always did anything other that what needed
to be done, I was active and engaged.
Now it's like I'm half dead. Floating in limbo.
I'm not depressed. And I'm acting more judiciously.
This has to stop.
I need to be rattling and destroying this little town of 150,000.
I don't like this calm. Not used to.
Hope it changes for the better.
It's better to be called crazy than idiot.

Cheers.

[Sunflower123]

I really like my new NP. She met me at the door of the waiting room with her teacup chihuahua standing beside her. When we got to her office the dog curled up on a bean bag with a bohemian motif and went to sleep. Her office is decorated as if you were sitting in a room at her house that is warm and inviting. She called me girlfriend a time or two when she was trying to get a point across and she was thorough and knowledgeable. As I left the appointment, there was a jar of positive affirmations to pick from. Probably not everybody’s cup of tea but I’m pleased.

She even got me some special glasses for when I take the dog out at 4:00 A.M. that keeps the house lights from fully waking me up. I miss my old pdoc but she was a breath of fresh air I must admit. I’m grateful that this worked out.

In other news...I hate clothes shopping so much that I’ll just wear what I have until it wears out and I only have one or two things left to wear. I just spent three hours shopping hard to put together a small spring/summer wardrobe and I’m finally done. Yay! Pretty spring/summer clothes and no more shopping.

Warm wishes and hugs to all.

[fern46]

Originally Posted by Scooter9

Thanks! I was about half way through the last time I posted and I really made a major push to get it done. I spent far too much time writing but I wanted to get it done and off my plate.

What helped me most was following my own table of contents so I knew how much work was left to do and I could see my progress. It's non fiction so that makes a difference too. I think fiction is harder to write.

Stick with it, you'll finish it when you need to

Thanks for the advice and words of encouragement. My writing is non-fiction as well. I'm relating a domain I'm an expert in to one I'm a little rusty at. It is requiring a good bit of research to refresh my memory properly, but I am enjoying the work. I'm not sure yet if I have quite enough material for an entire book, but I plan to keep chugging along until I know one way or the other.

[yellow_fleurs]

I was feeling great pretty much all day, but now that I am a bit tired after swimming and making dinner I am feeling rather irritable. Apparently any time I get mentally or physically run down the irritability comes back and often obsessive thoughts. It feels like residual issues from when I was on the Lexapro, it comes and goes without any stuff changing in my life. I need to find an insurance that covers acupuncture so I can go more often as that is one the few things that seems to keep me stable. Honestly things are decent though, if I had posted earlier this afternoon it would have been upbeat. Now I am cranky haha.

[~Christina]

I slept most all of the day away. I could have gotten up but why ? I had nothing pressing.

I made hot wings for dinner and it actually has helped my dry mouth surprisingly. Weird for sure

Tomorrow off to Lowe’s to have a look see. I need a vanity but I want one that I really love. Down the road a bit I need 2 for my bathroom and I’d like it to all to match. I’m really excited about giving this whole house a facelift .. We have done it all ourself.

I have pulled about a thousand carpet staples out , there is no reason that many was used. But the end result of new flooring made it all worth it.

I’m still fine off Latuda at about week 3 so past the half life bit and my brain is sorting out how to run sans med.

Hugs and cookies to everyone ~

[TheSeaCat]

Hello all; yes I know I didn't update Monday which I am sorry about and you probably won't see this update until Wednesday. I had a terrible Cardio appointment Monday; my EKG had my heart rate at 115; so I am back to biweekly visits with an increase of med. So kind of annoyed with that; I know my heart is important but it's honestly just stress. Just stress; because even with this new dose I am still in the 100's.

M's surgery is tomorrow; well today it's Wednesday my time now; so today. Kind of worried about it since it is such a big surgery.

Oh well I am trying to hang on in; it's pretty hard in all honestly.

Hugs to everyone

[Wander]

Happy Wednesday to all. I had a very late night with my partner last night. Binge watching Homeland and talking deeply. It was good. But it meant I didn’t get hardly any sleep again. Will have to take something tonight. It’s been too long since I’ve slept well, long, or at all.

Saw my T today for my first trauma therapy. It was rough but helpful. We both agree it’s going to be a bumpy ride for a while. He stated that he would pull the plug immediately if he felt I was in trouble. Comforting he has my back. Still, I’m terrified, anxious, get the thousand yard stare, and panic attacks. This is normal. I swing from functional to a curled up ball. I can handle all this as long as I can get my strength back to give me confidence I can survive another severe mixed episode. It’s dying while very unwell that terrifies me. I don’t know if anyone can understand. I’ve been through so many severe episodes and don’t exactly know why this one has almost finished me.

Sending hugs to others who are traumatised. It is a horrible experience to go through.

[bizi]

@Wander
Glad that your therapist has your back!
How often are you going?
bizi

TheSeaCat, I hope that as some of your stress eases your heart rate will lower again. I'm glad you take care of your heart.

I decided to take my evening meds at my usual time last night despite having to go out between 8 and 9:30 pm. I was fine when I got home and fell asleep at my usual time, waking up as usual in the ideal way. If I had waited until my return home to take my evening meds I likely wouldn't have fallen asleep until at least 3 am.

I should really do more housework today than I've been doing. Hubby hasn't said anything about my "vacation", but I don't want to make a habit of them.

[Scooter9]

So it looks like i can't post my book title and link since it might be considered advertising, which is understandable.