Nothing like waking up in the morning at the end of April and having your car doors frozen shut and windows iced over from the frigid weather...

It’s supposed to be spring already! This winter feels like it’s never going to end! Though I heard that it snowed a lot in Chicago, so at least we’re not in that situation.

Otherwise, doing ok. I have a therapy appt on Wednesday morning, but I have no idea what I’m going to talk about. I feel like I’m FINALLY doing well, after being in an unstable state for so long (which is mostly my fault because I went off my meds). I wish I could say I won’t go off my meds ever again, but sometimes I get delusional or go in denial and go off them anyway. So maybe I should work with my therapist on that. I shouldn’t be an idiot about my meds, because I’m not one of those people who can go off them and be ok.

[wildflowerchild25]

I bought another pack of cigarettes. I’m all fired up to quit at night but in the morning the craving hits and I’m like **** I’ll just buy some. But I’m hoping if I leave two for tomorrow morning I’ll get that last hit of nicotine and then be able to quit. We shall see. It doesn’t help that RS is going away and I won’t have to worry about him smelling it on me. Although I don’t know how he hasn’t at this point. Maybe he has and just doesn’t want to start an argument. I don’t know.

I’m down again today. Not sure why. I just had a week long depression two weeks ago. I would have hoped it would have held off.

I have a phone interview for one of the day camps I applied to at eleven. The other camp called me and he said he would reach out via email to schedule an interview. The one camp that I have the interview for today sounds really fun but it might be too much physical activity for me. I’m not sure I could get in shape in time. My back hurt a lot yesterday after walking around the flower show. I don’t want to **** up my back any more. I’m already worried about lifting my student at work and ****ing things up.

I start work on Wednesday. I’m very anxious. I’m anxious that my judgy coworker will continue to judge me. I’m anxious that they won’t want me back. And I’m anxious that they will fire me at the end of the year for going out on disability. I know they shouldn’t but I didn’t have fmla protection so they could if they wanted to. They did last year, although they also fired me for being a ****** teacher. I think that’s actually more on point.

RS and I might be looking at a house on 5/12. Depends on when he comes back from his trip. I hope we can make it work, I really want to get moving on moving out. I haven’t heard back from the property manager for the other house and I have no way to contact them except through trulia and Zillow so I’m just going to have to wait.

Sigh. Today will be long and boring. I have PT at 2:30 so I can’t even take a nap.

[Sunflower123]

My new therapist is the best I’ve ever had. It was, according to her, the most unorthodox first session she’d ever had and I agreed. I can’t wait to work through some issues with her!

She worked with unwed mothers and with adoptions for 20 years. Long story short she was able to give me a paradigm shift on the adoption pain that has plagued me for over 45 years. I am enough! I don’t have to prove my worth to belong! It wasn’t about me personally! All these years I’ve worked so hard to prove I was good enough to be here. I was even bullied over it. I cried almost the whole time. What a huge relief. I feel compassion and respect for my birth mother’s experience now.

I think things are going to start changing for me now...stability wise. So happy and grateful.

Warm wishes and hugs to all.

[hopeless2015]

A little dip in mood last couple days but just checked calendar and its close to my period so that explains that. Even called into work this morning which I haven't done in awhile. Just need to make sure I get my *** up when alarm goes off tomorrow, I really do better if I just get straight up, no snoozing. And I know the routine is huge for me.

Hugs to all

[bpforever1]

I am doing well. I washed a few loads of laundry and vacuumed the apartment. I also had the maintenance man come by to fix some repairs. I took a shower and put on my makeup. I lost two more pounds also. I feel good. I am eating less and moving more but not really walking every day. I am happy. I may have a cavity though so I will need to go to the dentist. Argh!! Overall, life is going pretty well. I think the shots of Maintena-Abilify are effective.


I am hoping that I won't have to worry about taking my medication anymore. Thus, I will continue with the shots. I am hoping to lose forty pounds overall. My next appointment at the clinic is next week, and I'm hoping that I weigh five pounds less than before. My mother was disgusted I gained much weight. But, it is my fault because I was eating at buffets before and sleeping a lot. I am more active now and feel much better. I hope to continue this upward trend.


I am happy with my life. I was not before. I made many mistakes due to poor judgment. This comes from my illness. I need to have family near me. I was living alone in another country and know that I need my family no matter what. My parents thought it was a great idea for me to be living alone. I still think they have problems realizing that I am really ill at times. I will never be really independent but at least I will try to survive with what I have. I know my limitations. I think being alone anywhere is hardship for anybody. My family should not expect too much from me. They are learning the hard way that I have an illness that requires support from others. I'm trying to do more things on my own though. Eventually I'll be alone. I am hoping I won't be alone anymore but the reality is my parents won't live forever.


I just take it one day at a time now. I don't need to think too hard about the future because I have never been able to think that far ahead and be positive. I will take it as it comes. I am not unhappy. I am glad now I'm recovering.


I will look for jobs eventually again. Until the times comes to look for jobs, I will enjoy what I have.

Today I managed to pick up my father's belongings and all of the items I had dropped off for him at the psych hospital last week. At first, they said only my father or brother could. My sister told my dad that yesterday, and Dad said he would never go there for them. I was pissed off because a) my dad skipped out on the psych hospital/rehab after being released from the general hospital, and b) I spent a lot of money on the stuff I took to the psych hospital. I wanted it back, not just because of the $$ part, but the principle.

I drove 45 mins to my sister's house after picking up the clothes. She only lives down the street from my father. I was not going to visit my father, though. I left the clothes with my sister. I ended up taking my adult nephew out to lunch. On the way back, when we passed my father's house (which is unavoidable), my dad spotted us. I waved, but didn't stop and didn't visit him on my way home. I need more time to see if he's going to go back to his destructive ways and get sicker again. Plus, I don't want to seem to be enabling/accepting his stupid decision to skip out on the psych hospital/rehab. As Al-Anon suggests, I have to look out for myself. I'm still severely stressed by all of this.

When I first got to my sister's house, my brother-in-law became very emotional. He hugged me and started crying telling me how much everyone loves me. I have to say it was awkward. I don't hate my brother-in-law, but I am not close to him because he had a history of verbally abusing my sister and nephews. After he quit drinking, that eased a little, but not completely. I do believe it has eased even more since my youngest nephew lost his life to suicide. It does still bother me that my brother-in-law verbally abused him, but I decided to just let it go, to a degree. I don't believe it helps anyone holding grudges. I'm not a grudge holder, anyway. My sister doesn't want me to dwell on it, so I just try not to.

Jennifer1967: So glad your session with your new therapist went well and that you have a healthy new positive outlook on your adoption! Great work! Hope it continues!

[Moose72]

Sitting at N3's piano lesson listening. When we were eating dinner, I felt yet another tonsil stone in my left tonsil! About a week ago I removed one that was pretty big and then today there were TWO of approx the same size! I put them on a quarter to guage size. Wonder why my left tonsil is suddenly doing that?? Tonsil stones irritate my throat and are generally a nuicense. Can't spell. Ok. And word finding is off too....

I feel somewhat better at the moment listening to the lesson. I hope tonight is ok. I hope not to stay up half the night or more again. Its raining outside and cold. Wet... Damp.... Not as wonderfully brilliant as yesterday. I know the secrets of the universe. They are one - a whole that is greater than the sum of its parts.

[gina_re]

Well I thought today was going to be an unproductive day, but I got off my butt and did stuff. I painted my nails first and while they dried, I made all the phone calls I needed to make this morning. Then I got on my desktop and looked for jobs again. One job that I had applied to made me take one of those personality tests after completing the application. That thing must've had over 100 questions! After I was done with that, I went out in the backyard and cut the grass. It's not as taxing as the front yard, so it didn't take that long. I didn't even break a sweat. But man, my backyard is covered in weeds. I need to get some weed killer and spray it everywhere! So that's something else that I'll have to deal with soon.

[fern46]

Originally Posted by gina_re

Well I thought today was going to be an unproductive day, but I got off my butt and did stuff. I painted my nails first and while they dried, I made all the phone calls I needed to make this morning. Then I got on my desktop and looked for jobs again. One job that I had applied to made me take one of those personality tests after completing the application. That thing must've had over 100 questions! After I was done with that, I went out in the backyard and cut the grass. It's not as taxing as the front yard, so it didn't take that long. I didn't even break a sweat. But man, my backyard is covered in weeds. I need to get some weed killer and spray it everywhere! So that's something else that I'll have to deal with soon.

Be careful with weed killer. It causes cancer. Lymphoma specifically. My brother was diagnosed with it last week. Roundup also poisons animals that come across it. You can make your own weed killer out of vinegar, salt and dish soap. It isn't as effective, but it doesn't cause disease.

I applied for disability today and went to IOP. At the disability meeting I started hallucinating as I did during IOP, but I reality checked and it wasn't too bad. Mood's okay. I started propanolol too, and it smells like the hospital. I hope it helps because the akathisia and the trmors aregetting pretty annoying and uncomfortable.

[Wander]

Well, I just completed my photographic work. Editing done and professional email sent. Last night I had a minor breakdown. I hadn't realised the stress this work put me under. I haven't worked since July last year and I was a mess then. I have been obsessing about whether I did a great job as I really want my work to be as close to perfect as possible so I can get more work if I get the chance. My partner said I put too much pressure on myself and he is right. Now it is over I am relieved. However, I still have to meet up with my client to see if my work meets his requirements. He is a nice guy so it shouldn't be too stressful. I am just worried my work doesn't meet his standards despite my partner being extremely impressed by it.

Today will be a much quieter day. My only tasks are to go for a long walk (to help my hip recover), and get some petrol as I am almost out. The weather is cool but sunny so the walk by the ocean should be refreshing. My mood is stable. I am generally content. This makes me so happy as I am close to three months stable which is a record for me in the last ten years. I think my new med regime is the reason. I am on a lot of meds but I won't mess with it as I cannot risk getting sick again.

I tend to dye my grey hair when hypomanic, as many of us do. Then i hate the fake, ersatz look when i come down. Today i got all the dyed parts cut out of my hair. They were looking lank. I'm back to being a Silver Fox! The only thing is my hair is so short my head is cold so i'm wearing a kerchief like a babushka. I look like a Russian peasant! It's nice and soft on my head and covers my neck too. Much better than a knitted cap.


I didn't have any glimmers of happiness today. But it was overcast and cold so it's not a surprise. Hugs to all who need them!

[TheSeaCat]

Hello everyone; I hope everyone is doing well tonight. I am exhausted and pretty annoyed.

In terms of the medication adjustment; I seem to be doing just fine, at least I was fine today during work; still no side effects. It seems to be working well to keep me in check.

My first day back to work was well terrible, which you know after some time off; I expected there to be some issues. But still those issues fustrated me and really ticked me off. Plus I had to stay late because of there issues. I was very much unhappy with a whole group of people; even my boss was super upset with them.

I also didn't blow my gasket like I wanted to. I was patient but still really really annoyed with the mess they gave me. Oh well tomorrow is always another day.

Hugs to everyone

[Scooter9]

I went to work yesterday even though my back was still hurting from Saturday. I took Tylenol 1 which helped the pain a lot.

I managed to solve a really hard problem at work too, so I'm pleased with that.

Still feeling low but getting by.

I hope we get better weather soon, spring is starting late this year. We had ice pellets falling from the sky yesterday!

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

My new therapist is the best I’ve ever had. It was, according to her, the most unorthodox first session she’d ever had and I agreed. I can’t wait to work through some issues with her!

She worked with unwed mothers and with adoptions for 20 years. Long story short she was able to give me a paradigm shift on the adoption pain that has plagued me for over 45 years. I am enough! I don’t have to prove my worth to belong! It wasn’t about me personally! All these years I’ve worked so hard to prove I was good enough to be here. I was even bullied over it. I cried almost the whole time. What a huge relief. I feel compassion and respect for my birth mother’s experience now.

I think things are going to start changing for me now...stability wise. So happy and grateful.

Warm wishes and hugs to all.

Congratulations on the breakthrough, Jennifer! That's great!!

[lightly toasted]

Follow up appointment with GP at local clinic went okay. I was weighed and measured, and he is sending me for blood tests. He's fine with me staying on 50 mg of Seroquel for now, given my horrible experience with 100 mg.

I told him the place he sent me to last Friday could not refer me to a pdoc, to which he responded: "bull" ...not me, but them. He told me that every patient he tries to refer to a psychiatrist ,the request bounces back and he's told to send his patients to walk-in counselling downtown for the pdoc referral Ugh! So he had me fill out a bunch of questionnaires in hopes that if he submitted them I'd get my pdoc referral. Regardless of what route actually works the wait for a pdoc is super long. So I'm grateful this local GP is helping me out in the meantime.

Wish me luck with the fasting blood test tomorrow, I'm okay delaying breakfast, but the thought of going out into the world without my morning cup of tea ... yikes!

lightly_toasted, it might be possible you can have your tea, if you don't put milk or sugar/honey/etc. in it. By all means, confirm this with either the phlebotomy office or your doctor's office, though. If you only like tea with milk and/or some sweetener, then I know you'd be out of luck if you must fast before the blood tests. I drink black coffee before my fasting tests, though normally I like my coffee with milk.

I have cramps today. Hopefully they'll go away now that I've taken ibuprofen. I see my therapist this afternoon, and then have my last lecture of a modern China lecture series tonight. I really need to start studying my French, but I am having some motivation issues, particularly with that. I have, however, accomplished a number of things this week, despite.

I feel beat. I'm a little overwhelmed by this past week, plus. My husband was sending me one email after another with ideas about a project. I had to tell him to stop sending them one by one and rather in batches, that they were overwhelming me.

[lightly toasted]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

lightly_toasted, it might be possible you can have your tea, if you don't put milk or sugar/honey/etc. in it. By all means, confirm this with either the phlebotomy office or your doctor's office, though. If you only like tea with milk and/or some sweetener, then I know you'd be out of luck if you must fast before the blood tests. I drink black coffee before my fasting tests, though normally I like my coffee with milk.

Thanks, BirdDancer. I did check with the lab yesterday, and nope, water only, means water only. No coffee or tea, not even black.

[wildflowerchild25]

I impulsively applied for a charter school job. I got an interview today but I bombed it. I said I don’t like public school and the superintendent was like this IS a public school. Whoops. Pretty hard to come back from that! It’s ok though because it was for general Ed and I don’t think I can control a classroom of 20-30 students. Especially ones with behavioral issues. I can control a classroom of 8 with behavioral issues but not a full class. So I don’t feel that bad, just embarrassed.

RS and I are going to look at an apartment today and another one on Thursday. I’m not sure we will get the apartment because he asked about our credit scores. Mine is only ok because I missed payments on my student loan last summer. I have no idea what RS’s is. He’s got a lot of credit card debt. So we will see. We were going to look at a house but I drove by and I didn’t like the location. It’s on a very busy street and my son wouldn’t be able to play outside. I also wouldn’t be able to get into or out of the driveway very easily. So no on that.

I’m not as down today considering the state of things. I’m a little down that I can’t make more money but oh well. That’s that I guess.

Didn't get the other job either. Oh well. The search continues. He did make a recommendation of a place to drop off a resumé with though, so who knows what will come of that. It's a place I've been to before, but years ago.

Other than that, not much. Still battling the damn pink eye. It's persisting way more than I anticipated (or hoped), but I put a call in with my Dr. and she's not concerned about it. (Yet anyway). At least on the drops I'm not contagious, though I still am being super diligent.

Mood-wise, alright. I'm ramping down my Abilify, but it should not be a problem as I'm only taking 2.5 mg as it is. (Officially they think it's 5, but I cut it in half quite some time ago). I feel like weight is still creeping on (even though it's not particularly known for it, the time correlation is incriminating).

Hugs to any who need them.

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Didn't get the other job either. Oh well. The search continues. He did make a recommendation of a place to drop off a resumé with though, so who knows what will come of that. It's a place I've been to before, but years ago.

Other than that, not much. Still battling the damn pink eye. It's persisting way more than I anticipated (or hoped), but I put a call in with my Dr. and she's not concerned about it. (Yet anyway). At least on the drops I'm not contagious, though I still am being super diligent.

Mood-wise, alright. I'm ramping down my Abilify, but it should not be a problem as I'm only taking 2.5 mg as it is. (Officially they think it's 5, but I cut it in half quite some time ago). I feel like weight is still creeping on (even though it's not particularly known for it, the time correlation is incriminating).

Hugs to any who need them.

Sorry to hear you didn't get the job. Hopefully the other place works out for you, because I guess you never know.

The pink eye sounds distressing. I hate pink eye.

And I thought abilify was known for weight gain? I never gained weight on it, but I thought weight gain was one of the documented risks. But yeah, gaining weight on it would make sense to me. Sorry you have to go through that, though.

Originally Posted by lightly toasted

Thanks, BirdDancer. I did check with the lab yesterday, and nope, water only, means water only. No coffee or tea, not even black.

I'm glad you checked on that, lightly toasted! I hope after you get your blood tests you treat yourself to a big breakfast. I usually do.

[bpforever1]

I am doing ok. I washed two loads of laundry today. I decided to take it easy today and am wearing no makeup. I feel fine. My mother and I are getting along again. I am waiting to receive some money for groceries but will spend it on classes instead. I don't know if I'm cut out to be a real estate agent but will do my best to survive. The weather is quite dreary today, but I feel ok.