Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

Thanks Bizi. One of the things I struggle with is that I did home health in rural Appalachia. I've been in REALLY bad homes, hoarders, animal hoarders, no running water, insects everywhere, rotting food everywhere, etc. I truly thought I was prepared for this and that it couldn't be as bad as what I've seen before. I was wrong. This was the worst. It haunts me.

This was so bad that once my leg fell through and I thought I was going to be stuck until my brother came back in to pull me out. There was a place where I was gathering some things off the floor after moving stuff around to reach the floor. I kept saying "I wonder what this carpeted slope is?". Two days later I realized it was the buckled floor.

The kitchen was so bad that when I tried to go across it to check the cabinets for anything I stopped immediately. It was too dangerous to even try.

There was a room full from floor to ceiling, wall to wall, with milk jugs (probably water jugs). We could not enter that room it was so full.

The picture I took of the bathroom sink requires explanation because I was so high above it on the garbage and it was so filthy and full of stuff that it doesn't look like a sink.

At one point my brother suddenly realized he'd been standing on the bed for about 20 minutes. It was that deeply buried.

Apparently my father had an opossum sleeping with him at some point. Not sure if that was when they found him after his stroke or another time. There's a catch/release trap in the kitchen. Getting that removed is what I want my brother to take care of. I am scared an animal will get caught and starve to death.

Things don't even make sense. I saw no clothing that he was possibly wearing. Perhaps it was in the rear of his truck after the laundromat? I have no idea but he had to have had something besides whatever he had on when he had the stroke. This bothers me because it seems like a big thing to be missing.

I also can't imagine how the paramedics got him out. He was barely breathing so stabilizing him enough to move was probably hard and moving him would have been acrobatic. I should add them to my thank you list.

Thanks to anyone who made it through all this. I'm still trying to figure out the right reaction.

Oh, BeyondtheRainbow, I am so sorry you had this experience!! It is incomprehensible. My mother is a hoarder. It perplexes me too. (My sister keeps me apprised of the state of things, as I haven't had contact with my mother for years --too toxic plus I just plain don't like her.) The mess is not to the degree you are describing though. I cannot begin to imagine.

Your situation has been of particular interest to me because of these similarities (estrangement and hoarding). I told my sister I'd try to be there to help when the time comes (we're on opposite sides of the country), but I totally dread having to deal with it.

I don't know if there *is* a right reaction, you know? I woke up screaming too the last time I was there about 30 years ago. It was a nightmare followed by a hypnopompic hallucination of a snakepit (it was SO vivid and real feeling!), but that probably spoke as much to psychological history as the hoarding.

Anyway, all to say, my heart really goes out to you.

[Wander]

Still sliding. Managed to see family today. Enjoyed most of it. Still felt lost when I came home. Hip injury annoying me but I don’t think that’s the problem. Still in self destruct mode. Took alcohol with Ativan again but with food this time so didn’t pass out. Most of the day I’ve been extremely emotional and reactive. Upsetting my partner, or worrying him more to the point. I just explode at times from the overflow of emotion. Dark thoughts plague me. I’m worried about how detailed I am. Still, it seems like a safety net should I get that bad in the future. I want to live. My head is spinning. I need to find a safe path through to where I’m meant to be.

[beauflow]

I hope all well...
I getting ready to take a drive... a long over due meeting perhaps?
I am anxious but I'll be ok, I am resilient. Or at least that's what i tell myself right now.
I tried to share this yesterday night but...a lot of reasons why not.. for the few that care, thank you. I did get some sleep.
I may make a thread elsewhere to talk more on it... but unsure... the unknown, and all is just that.. the unknown until we do, or never will.

[Sunflower123]

I’m doing okay today. My daughter is on her way down...should be here in about an hour...having mixed feelings based on our last visit. Going to get facials and pedicures while she’s here as well as go to a Drum Circle and the movies. She has her first pdoc appointment March 21st. Hopefully, we’ll get some answers and some help then. I’m tickled that they offer that service through the college.
Fingers crossed.

Warm wishes to all for a peaceful weekend.

Jennifer_1967 I hope your visit goes well!

I feel uneasy today, but I've been that way a few days now. Tomorrow is a sad day for me, it'll be Gramma's first birthday since she's been gone. I miss her, but I know she isn't suffering anymore

If it weren't so cold I'd go for a walk, it's beautiful out but the wind is so bitterly freezing. Not a lot changes in my life, which I guess I like. I feel OK, like I've felt for a while now. I just feel OK.

[hopeless2015]

Bored out of my flipping mind but other that ok lol

HUGS

[Blue_Bird]

I'm doing really well mentally, no psychosis anymore, productive, can focus, happy. The new med and other adjustments have helped immensely. Only issue is past two days I only slept about 4 hours each night, kind of restless and trying to get used to it, always get anxious with med changes.

It was the first Spring-like day here. The sun sparkled on the melting snow. I'm still not feeling my mood going up tho.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by raging vortex

I am annoyed and frustrated


yesterday evening I found out that a company in london needs a photograph of me for new laws coming in to affect


well, they can **** off, to put it bluntly.


no photos of me exist anywhere, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let anyone take one


I also didn't sleep again, my dinner yesterday didn't fill me up, and have no plans for today

What happens if you don’t provide a photo ?

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I’m doing okay today. My daughter is on her way down...should be here in about an hour...having mixed feelings based on our last visit. Going to get facials and pedicures while she’s here as well as go to a Drum Circle and the movies. She has her first pdoc appointment March 21st. Hopefully, we’ll get some answers and some help then. I’m tickled that they offer that service through the college.

Fingers crossed.


Warm wishes to all for a peaceful weekend.

Sounds like a nice day , I’m sure her seeking help will be of great benefit.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

I'm doing really well mentally, no psychosis anymore, productive, can focus, happy. The new med and other adjustments have helped immensely. Only issue is past two days I only slept about 4 hours each night, kind of restless and trying to get used to it, always get anxious with med changes.

Hopefully your sleep will improve , glad your feeling better

[Unrigged64072835]

Originally Posted by Daonnachd

I just got word that a friend from high school was killed in an automobile accident on Tuesday. He was like me, generally quiet, so somewhat of an outcast. We both stayed in the same community so I would see him and chat once or twice a month. I'm sad that he's gone.

So sorry for your loss Daonnachd.

[TheSeaCat]

Hello everyone and happy Saturday. I hope everyone is having a good weekend. I myself am having another stay in day. I went grocery shopping for the house yesterday because honestly I didn't feel like doing anything this weekend even though R and a couple other friends group texted me to see if I wanted to come shopping. I really just wanted to not have to do my hair or makeup and just enjoy my day off; since tomorrow is church day.

So that is exactly what I did; well I did take the dogs for a walk; and my cat tried tagging along for the walk. Like cat you really don't want any part of this. I mean the dogs are super well behaved when they go on walks; they actually walk with you instead of pulling you which in my mind is a super good dog.

I pretty much did a bunch of nothing today; took the dogs for a walk and went out to get dinner for the two of us.

Hugs to everyone

[yellow_fleurs]

Volunteered at a benefit tonight with a friend. It felt great to help someone out and I enjoyed hanging out with my friend, too. I am going to try to volunteer more often. Since I have been feeling bad about past events and thinking I am a bad person, helping others out is also helpful to me because it reminds me that I do indeed care.

Did a bit of cleaning and bought some new kitchen supplies today. I am trying to make it a nice place to cook so I will be encouraged to make meals at home. This year is all about the self care and building good habits I should have built 10 years ago haha. I need that solid foundation to fall back on when life gets tough or my mental heath is poor. I feel pretty driven with the increased energy I have had the past week or so, and just want to cross everything off my list. Also a little bit irritable, but nothing like before so I am not worried, it's manageable.

Going alright. Worked at the internship place tonight. It was sad to see all the stuff getting piled up for sale. There is a small group of people interested in trying to see how we might be able to keep the shop I work in going. Don't know how that will shake out, but man am I ever hoping! It was my job to inventory and determine value of the things in that shop. Rather tedious it was! Seems like a conflict of interest, eh? No worries, I took the high road. (Besides, the list will be looked over by the teacher for that shop. )

Other than that, not much besides looking for a new job. Thought I found an interesting one, but wasn't qualified upon reading a more detailed description. Oh well. Onward!

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Oh, BeyondtheRainbow, I am so sorry you had this experience!! It is incomprehensible. My mother is a hoarder. It perplexes me too. (My sister keeps me apprised of the state of things, as I haven't had contact with my mother for years --too toxic plus I just plain don't like her.) The mess is not to the degree you are describing though. I cannot begin to imagine.

Your situation has been of particular interest to me because of these similarities (estrangement and hoarding). I told my sister I'd try to be there to help when the time comes (we're on opposite sides of the country), but I totally dread having to deal with it.

I don't know if there *is* a right reaction, you know? I woke up screaming too the last time I was there about 30 years ago. It was a nightmare followed by a hypnopompic hallucination of a snakepit (it was SO vivid and real feeling!), but that probably spoke as much to psychological history as the hoarding.

Anyway, all to say, my heart really goes out to you.

Innerzone-I'm sorry that you'll have to facet this someday. Having seen how he lived was a hundred times harder than hearing he'd died 2 days before.Estrangement is also hard. I am really grateful that I had the chance to say everything I needed to about a moth before he died. I really told him off, gently but firmly.

I think you're right and there isn't a right reaction. I just need help moving further into the grief process and less into the "solving things that can't be solved" mode. We don't have to take care of the hoard; they are tearing the house down and just throwing the contents into a dumpster. I'd really recommend having this done instead of dealing with it yourselves if possible. What we did, shuffling threw, was really rough.

Again, I'm so sorry that you have this situation. I'm glad you've broken off with a toxic person (and you may have to remind yourself of that a lot of times-I have) and that the end of her life will be tough.

Take care of yourself.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Going alright. Worked at the internship place tonight. It was sad to see all the stuff getting piled up for sale. There is a small group of people interested in trying to see how we might be able to keep the shop I work in going. Don't know how that will shake out, but man am I ever hoping! It was my job to inventory and determine value of the things in that shop. Rather tedious it was! Seems like a conflict of interest, eh? No worries, I took the high road. (Besides, the list will be looked over by the teacher for that shop. )


Other than that, not much besides looking for a new job. Thought I found an interesting one, but wasn't qualified upon reading a more detailed description. Oh well. Onward!

I sure hope it can somehow keep running.

I use to be friends with a job placement person, her advice was always apply to jobs higher than you think you can get. Go for them !

[TheSeaCat]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Other than that, not much besides looking for a new job. Thought I found an interesting one, but wasn't qualified upon reading a more detailed description. Oh well. Onward!

Girl apply for it give it a chance; you think I got to my place playing it safe. Nope I refused to give up even though I was fired a big part of is owning it. Sometimes I think I got lucky which I probably did but then I think you know what I am owning this; I love this; I am perfect this. So apply for that job you never know unless you try.

[VerMOZZica]

I`m feeling super low at the moment. I slept through the whole day yesterday. But I have to add that was after two days of virtually no sleep. I feel awful about getting nothing done today. I`m really tired of not having the energy or motivation to get stuff done . I feel so worthless and useless.

[Wander]

Finally completely lost control today. Ran out the door telling my partner 'goodbye'. I was EXTREMELY emotional. I want to live but this emotional turmoil is so powerful I can barely stop myself. I'm terrified. As its a Sunday I can't really get in contact with T, though I did text him. I wasn't safe at all but have calmed down a bit. I keep swinging though. My partner was going home today but is staying with me. I feel terrible for the stress and hurt I have put him through. I don't know what is going on. Trauma possibly? Doesn't seem mixed. No exactly depressed and no manic symptoms.

I so can't go IP right now. I have physical rehab to do ... and I hate it, and I only got out mid February. I'm trying to reign it in but it catches me of guard. I lose my s*** so quickly over nothing then am propelled into the stratosphere. Suddenly the self destruct button is hit and Im in trouble. This started a week ago and is just getting worse. Hopefully my T will get back to me tomorrow with some ideas. I know I am in danger some of the time but really don't want to be IP. What am I supposed to do?

[Blue_Bird]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Hopefully your sleep will improve , glad your feeling better

Thank you I was able to get 8 hours last night

[Blue_Bird]

Originally Posted by Wander

Finally completely lost control today. Ran out the door telling my partner 'goodbye'. I was EXTREMELY emotional. I want to live but this emotional turmoil is so powerful I can barely stop myself. I'm terrified. As its a Sunday I can't really get in contact with T, though I did text him. I wasn't safe at all but have calmed down a bit. I keep swinging though. My partner was going home today but is staying with me. I feel terrible for the stress and hurt I have put him through. I don't know what is going on. Trauma possibly? Doesn't seem mixed. No exactly depressed and no manic symptoms.

I so can't go IP right now. I have physical rehab to do ... and I hate it, and I only got out mid February. I'm trying to reign it in but it catches me of guard. I lose my s*** so quickly over nothing then am propelled into the stratosphere. Suddenly the self destruct button is hit and Im in trouble. This started a week ago and is just getting worse. Hopefully my T will get back to me tomorrow with some ideas. I know I am in danger some of the time but really don't want to be IP. What am I supposed to do?

I'm sorry you're going through this I hope your therapist is able to talk with you tomorrow.

For some reason whenever I'm having serious problems it seems like it's always on a day my clinic is closed like weekends or holidays and I have no one I can get ahold of, very frustrating

My husband and I have appliance troubles. We tried to get the dishwasher fixed, but found it's not worth replacing the broken parts. Our clothes washer needs replacing, too. Money for these things? I keep putting off getting my hair done because of mounting expenses.

[yellow_fleurs]

Wander, I am sorry you are going through this. I hope you and your therapist/psychiatrist can come up with a plan to keep you safe as you work through this. What about something like IOP, is that an option in your area? If you are not able to keep yourself safe, maybe IP is for the best, though. Has anything helped before when you were in this kind of mental state, perhaps any coping skills that are usually helpful?

[Scooter9]

I weighed myself the other day and I finally reached 200 pounds. That's good news for me since it has been 3 years since I weighed that due to the bad reaction I had from Lamictal.

My BMI was always ok, I wasn't underweight even at my lightest but I'm glad to be back at 200. I still look skinny though.

I helped my mother with errands and kept her company. She's walking with just a cane now and even then I have to chase after her to bring it to her, which is really good.

Mood-wise, I'm still low but hanging on. I guess that's all we can do in the end right? It'll pass, someday.