Physical Check-In

I am having a very hard time. My life has been one nightmare after another, with my H's continued lying and deceit. In the meantime, I am physically very ill from all of his antics. I have had to be on extra medication in order to get any sleep. I am gaining weight on the meds, which is additionally upsetting.

I hope this nightmare ends soon. His actions are making me very ill, in every way. I find out something he is being deceitful about over and over again. He promises me he is done being deceitful; yet, he continues.

He continues to say he wants a cooperative divorce... well, he keeps doing very hostile things. It's crazy-making.

Ugggh!

Wild Coyote, I'm so sorry this is happening and continues to go downhill. Your husband is doing all he can to watch you suffer and it makes me sad to think he would dishonor you so deeply after such a long and faithful marriage. I think it shows how dark of a place he has been in for a while and you were probably his only way of balancing that darkness for years. I imagine he finds it much harder to control now that you've separated and he is taking it out on you.

I think you are amazingly strong even though your body is rebelling. You are processing so much negativity and it takes a toll. I'm sorry the meds are making you gain weight on top of everything else. That's just plain unfair.

I know it is hard, but try to remember to put things aside from time to time to focus on self care. Yoga, meditation, a relaxing bath, a healthy meal, a long walk in nature, paint your toenails, whatever. Just try to do things that are restorative since he has taken so much away from you. Nobody else is going to build you back up. Its on you, and that stinks but you have an opportunity to grow and see just how amazing you can be free of his negativity. I feel there are much brighter times on the horizon for you and you just have to hold on during this difficult period. Blessings for peace and better days to come.

Thank you, fern46, for your kind, insightful and encouraging words.

your support truly means a lot to me. I am very sorry I continue more and more upset: however, I keep discovering very mean things he is doing to me behind my back. I give him a "heads up" about everything! I even do an "expense report" and use very, very little money. He continues to do more and more to me each week. It's insane! I haven't done anything dishonorable toward him...ever.

He is trying to make life much more difficult for me each passing week.
I am not the one who has done terrible things (by most anyone's standards)!!!
He deserves "punishment," but he is punishing me... and I continue to inadvertently discover what he has been doing in a very underhanded way. It's all dishonorable, unethical and much more.

I get to where I am thinking he is done doing damage and am hoping we can meet and move on in a cooperative way, and he verbally assures me of this....all the while, he is doing even more damage.

I have wanted an amicable divorce proceeding, despite what he has done to cause a divorce. he says he wants this. However, there is nothing amicable about what he has been doing and continues to do. It's all bad enough without continuing to add insult to injury.

Thanks for sharing your insights, your concern, your encouragement. So deeply appreciated. Words fail me.

We have had a busy weekend so far, but I've been able to stick to my eating plan. I'm proud of myself for doing the work it takes to plan everything out and track all of my food. I think it is paying off. I'm also sticking with my workout plan. I do 25 minutes of intense circuit training every day and it is also working. I can see the difference in the mirror now and all of my clothes fit well again. My best friend is also training and following a much more time intensive workout plan. She's putting in over an hour each day. She looks amazing and she's seeing results faster, but I do not want to dedicate that much time to working out. Slow and steady is working for now. I'm really excited for her though. She's going through a rough patch and this is giving her something positive to focus on. It is nice to have friends along for the journey to healthier lives.

I'm not sure I'll lose as much weight this week as last week. It usually slows after the initial shock to the body. I only planned on one pound a week though, so I'll be happy if I can achieve that.

Thanks for sharing! Very inspirational!

Well I allowed myself to get too hungry today so low carb went out the window. By the time the food was ready I was starving and couldn’t stay away from the hot dog bun lol. Macaroni and potato salad too. But it was all very good and I will just get back on track tomorrow. We have a ton of leftover carb laden food so I’ll have to be careful about that but it’ll be fine. I’m looking forward to having my southwestern omelette tomorrow. RS is going to be out doing some work so I’ll probably be on my own for lunch too. I’ll get my son some McDonald’s and get a couple of double cheeseburgers. If you take off the bun two double cheeseburgers are only 440 calories and 6g carbs. Not bad.

I do not know if you have In-N-Out burger where you are, but they have bun-less double cheeseburgers, with pieces of lettuce instead of bread.

Watch your sodium levels with any fast food “ burgers” or any fast food overall. For me if I grab fast food it typically goes over recommended for the day.

I really wish food wasn’t so damn tasty

Being bipolar I, and currently depressed.

Very much have stopped eating. Have lost interest in a number of stuff. Most of time I work on the computer and on my free time I just sit in a chair. Because of this, my legs and back get sore. I sleep in shifts, and even that I am depressed, I am getting less sleep. Right now I crave anything to feel something. Anything that can be pain, or pleasure, and doing it it at a high risk.

Going to be doing a ton of walking today and it's very hot out. Bringing water with me, I don't tolerate heat well at all and don't want to pass out or something

Ate a frozen meal last night. It was "healthy."
It was the first "meal" in along time.
I am so very exhausted.

I am hoping for a med decrease soon; however, my H is causing such extreme distress, I have had to increase dosage. The distress is not ending soon, as his antics get worse as time goes on. I am very unwell.

Love to all ~

My eating has not been that great since losing my pet. As said, my vacation doesn't help. However, we've been getting lots of exercise hiking and walking. Both hubby and I are sore and by the time we go to bed we're utterly tired. These last couple of nights going out have caused me to hold off on taking my evening meds until late at night. Despite my fatigue, that still causes me difficulty falling asleep until after 1 am. Tonight we'll be back early and I will take my evening meds at my usual 7 pm. We're heading home tomorrow morning.

I researched specific benefits of many fruits and vegetables and put together a clean eating plan that I’m going to start tomorrow. I wasn’t aiming for it to be meatless but it turned out that way. It still has 30-60 grams of whey protein built in plus some dairy. I feel okay physically with some aches and stiffness here and there but I hope to feel great on this plan and lose some weight as well.

I’m going to experiment for one month and reassess at that time.

Please let me know how it goes. I have done it a few times over the years as psych Med weight has been a huge ongoing problem.

I have to be careful cutting out certain food groups or severe limitation of some can trigger my Anorexia. Last go around there was a lot of talk about possibly needing a feeding tube

I think what started it last time was I just wasn’t getting enough protein.

I hope it’s helpful for you

Just came back from the grocery store.

Oh my goodness! I didn’t realize you have anorexia that can be triggered or that you had come close to a feeding tube. Bless your heart. I truly mean that. I am so sorry.

You’ve made an excellent point that cutting out food groups may have potential downsides. I’ll keep that in mind and let you know how it goes.

I fell down HARD today on dieting. Started out good but then RS suggested sonic for dinner. I have had sonic for years! It’s so delicious. I couldn’t say no. So I had fast food for dinner with a dessert. Calories and carbs out the wazoo! Ugh I am beating myself up hard right now. But I guess there’s nothing to do but try try again tomorrow.

Does anyone else get embarrassed by dieting? I am embarrassed to tell RS that I’m trying to do low carb and trying to lose weight. I am not sure why. I always have been embarrassed by it. I guess it comes from my disordered eating days when I thought I was fat at a very low weight and would diet (aka starve myself). If people noticed I wasn’t eating I would immediately get defensive. It’s like now that I am overweight and do need to lose weight I’m afraid people will judge me for it.

I don’t know. If I could just tell him I’m watching carbs id be able to be much more successful.

I can relate. When I was overweight I had a hard time admitting I was dieting. I'm not sure why it was so hard. I also wanted to crawl into a hole every time someone said 'have you been losing weight?'. I think it bothered me because it proved they also noticed when I weighed more. I didnt like people taking note of those aspects of myself.

I gained weight when I was pregnant and I decided afterward that I wanted to get back into my normal clothes as quickly as possible. I started weight watchers and dropped the weight quickly. I was breastfeeding and that helped too. For some reason it was easier to explain to people I was losing baby weight and I finally got over my issues. I kept going and got down 3 sizes smaller than my pre-baby self. I finally made it to a healthy BMI and I was proud of it. I've been able to maintain it ever since. The meds I am on now caused me to gain again so that's why I am working so hard to fight it. I cannot imagine going backward after finally getting over myself and allowing myself to transform into the size I wanted to be.

I think it helped that my husband always loved and accepted me no matter what I looked like. I suspect RS will do the same. Just go for it and tell him and allow him to encourage you and love you along the way. This is something you're doing for yourself and it will feel so much better if you can rip off the band aid and own it. I found that people are really encouraging and supportive of you're honest.

I love Sonic. I haven't been in years. I pretty much only drink water and coffee, but a cherry limeaid sounds totally awesome right now!

I’ve been all kinds of sizes.. many people think “ Anorexia” and the imagine of a thin sickly teenager comes to mind, but it’s so much more than that.

Your trying to change 2 big parts of your life .. smoking and food.

It’s easier to diet if you can have a smoke instead of a cupcake... Trade one for another kinda deal.

RS is with you because he loves you.

My advice is ... stop saying diet , it’s the fastest way to gain weight tbh.

Focus just on a healthier lifestyle but ease into it or your going to feel deprived all the time and then your going to beat yourself up and so the cycle continues.

Who am I to give advice about food ??? Because I have had a love/hate relationship with food from the age of 8-9 and it sucks.

Maybe tell RS you just want to start eating more “healthy foods” there’s nothing wrong with cheating here and there. Regardless of losing actual pounds your going to feel so much better. Go by how your clothes fit and not a number, that’s so depressing if it’s not moving fast enough.

A dietitian once told me “ have dessert once a week “ but just have 3 bites. 3 bites isn’t going to ruin a week of healthy choices, but it keeps you from be denied All. The. Time.

Wise advice Christina as always! It is hard to quit smoking and try to overhaul eating habits at the same time. That’s why most people gain weight when they quit smoking. They turn to eating instead. But I still have the vape so I still have that hand to mouth stimulation, plus the nicotine.

I don’t have a scale at present so that’s easier, at least I don’t have to watch myself gain and lose the same two pounds like I usually do.

I bought low fat ice cream bars with only 80 calories and 9g carbs so that’s nice for a sweet treat. Thankfully the only desserts we have left over from the party are cake and cupcakes and I don’t like either of those things lol.

I had a scrambled egg bowl from the local convenience store (not just a convenience store, they sell lots of food too) and it was nasty. Not gonna spend money on that again. Just gonna mKe my own. Less carbs if I make my own too. I got a latte too made with skim milk and no flavor or sugar. It was delicious.

Not sure what I’m gonna make for dinner yet. Maybe Cajun chicken and rice. We use the rice mixes like zatarain’s. Only problem with those is they’re full of sodium. But they’re easy and I can’t cook dinner every night if it’s not easy.

I stayed under carbs but not calories yesterday. I just get so hungry, especially when I can’t sleep. But it’s ok. We have plans this weekend to go to another bbq and I’m going to attempt this time to stay low carb. I’m going to eat a snack before we go so that I’m not starving by the time we get there. That way I won’t be tempted to eat everything in sight.

Today I’m going out to lunch with my sister in law but I’m not sure where we are going so I don’t know what I’ll have. I’m feeling a big chicken Caesar salad. I’ve been craving one for days now. I can always get one at the convenience store but it’s not as good as getting it at a restaurant.

I didn't want to exercise today. I was tired after being in the heat at the park with my kids and a trip to the grocery store. I pushed through though and I'm glad I did.

I don't think I've lost any weight this week even though I'm staying on target with my calories. I haven't gained anything though, so I'll take it. I'll weigh myself tomorrow and will see what happens.

I went out to eat with a friend today. Had fried food. Before that I had a small bowl of ice cream. Feel blah now mentally. Nice conversation, though.

My pain has been terrible ! So I fed it turkey with gravy and a brownie !! I’m certain the brownie helped a lil bit! lol

Sounds like good therapy to me! Lol. I'm sorry you're hurting.