Back to wanting to die...

spikes, big hugs to you. I hope as the day progresses that you feel a little better. I felt horrible yesterday, but today is better. It does improve. Waiting is tough, I know.

I'm doing chores, unlike yesterday. I actually washed my hair for a change, put in some laundry and brought some upstairs, loaded the dishwasher, and made myself a nice lunch of toast with poached eggs and fresh local tomatoes. Tonight I want to make a healthier version of eggplant Parmesan. Maybe I'll also make zucchini Parmesan (the same recipe as for the eggplant). I have loads of fresh basil, oregano, and parsley in my herb garden.

[Jedi67]

saw PDoc today. thought I was gonna fall off of my chair when he prescribed klonopin for me for my bad anxiety and poor sleep. also he increased the geodon and is going to ween me off the buspar and may put me on depakote (it isn't definite). I see him in 2 months and I start the new meds tonight. wish me luck, gang. I need SLEEP!

[fern46]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

spikes, big hugs to you. I hope as the day progresses that you feel a little better. I felt horrible yesterday, but today is better. It does improve. Waiting is tough, I know.

I'm doing chores, unlike yesterday. I actually washed my hair for a change, put in some laundry and brought some upstairs, loaded the dishwasher, and made myself a nice lunch of toast with poached eggs and fresh local tomatoes. Tonight I want to make a healthier version of eggplant Parmesan. Maybe I'll also make zucchini Parmesan (the same recipe as for the eggplant). I have loads of fresh basil, oregano, and parsley in my herb garden.

Your dinner plans sound amazing to me. Fresh herbs from your own garden make everything better!

[fern46]

Originally Posted by Jedi67

saw PDoc today. thought I was gonna fall off of my chair when he prescribed klonopin for me for my bad anxiety and poor sleep. also he increased the geodon and is going to ween me off the buspar and may put me on depakote (it isn't definite). I see him in 2 months and I start the new meds tonight. wish me luck, gang. I need SLEEP!

I'm so glad you got the med overhaul you were hoping for. I wish you the best of luck with it. Hopefully many evenings of restful sleep are on the horizon for you!

[Jedi67]

Originally Posted by fern46

I'm so glad you got the med overhaul you were hoping for. I wish you the best of luck with it. Hopefully many evenings of restful sleep are on the horizon for you!

I hope so too lol! thanks so very much fern46! you have been so kind through all of this. it is very appreciated. I will keep you posted!

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Oh! I did not realize EMDR went in sequential order like that. Interesting.

I think you can decide if you are up to whatever effects the EMDR is causing for you. If your resulting symptoms are too much, then do tell your therapist. See what s/he says and then make up your own mind about what you are or are not up to right now. Do take your own feelings seriously.

I have heard of both positive and negative experiences with EMDR.
I have never done EMDR. I have been advised against it due to the level of trauma. My doctors are afraid they might unearth info before I am ready for it.

There are different opinions from different people. A therapist who does EMDR is more likely to recommend it, I'd think?

It really does not matter what others have experienced with EMDR; what really matters is how YOU feel when going through treatment.

Please take care!!!

My therapist is brand new at doing emdr. I will be her first client she will be doing it with. I'm on medicaid and you don't get the best therapists on that. She is fresh out of college and very young. I have many traumas too and just going through them makes me angry. This is the beginning of emdr. We haven't really started the process yet. I also just started working with this therapist. I don't feel much trust with her yet. Idk what to do. ...

Thanks for your response.

[Daonnachd]

About 30 minutes ago I got a call from the hospital where I get ECT treatments. They haven't received this month's second opinion letter from my regular psychiatrist, a requirement for ECT. This is quite a stressor because my psych doc isn't in her office on Fridays and if the hospital doesn't get the letter I can't get treatment on Monday as I'm scheduled to do. I've sent a message to my doc's right hand staff, but haven't heard back yet. I'm hoping the letter was prepped and signed on the 8th when we met.

[yellow_fleurs]

Fern I am really sorry about your brother's situation. What about a Gofundme fundraiser or a fundraiser just locally? I recently volunteered at a fundraiser for a friend's friend who has cancer. People bought tickets for an event that had food and performances and items for auction. Most things were donated including the church space. I think they made a decent amount of money. Of course that's hard to coordinate, but I just wonder if there's a way to help him out?

[yellow_fleurs]

Rose that sounds challenging. It also sounds like a lot to have so much trauma and to be her first client. Of course someone must be the first, but if you don't feel her experience is adequate given your circumstances I could understand. Also, I would think trust is very important for this process. Maybe you could discuss that you have not yet built up trust with her yet?

Originally Posted by yellow_fleurs

Rose that sounds challenging. It also sounds like a lot to have so much trauma and to be her first client. Of course someone must be the first, but if you don't feel her experience is adequate given your circumstances I could understand. Also, I would think trust is very important for this process. Maybe you could discuss that you have not yet built up trust with her yet?

It's hard to know what to do. We are doing it on my fear of bathing. I developed it when I had a panic attack in the bath one day. Now I have extreme anxiety about bathing. I got to get over that asap. I can't live with it.

But right now we are going through a time line of my traumas. It's just making me angry. She says I have a right to feel angry. We haven't even got to the major traumas yet. I feel this is all she can offer me. I really don't know what to do. I just dont. I've got to get over this fear of bathing though. That I do know.

Thanks for your response.

[fern46]

Originally Posted by yellow_fleurs

Fern I am really sorry about your brother's situation. What about a Gofundme fundraiser or a fundraiser just locally? I recently volunteered at a fundraiser for a friend's friend who has cancer. People bought tickets for an event that had food and performances and items for auction. Most things were donated including the church space. I think they made a decent amount of money. Of course that's hard to coordinate, but I just wonder if there's a way to help him out?

Great minds... My younger brother and I wanted to set up a Gofundme account a while back. My sister in law wasn't to jazzed about the idea, so we backed off.

People have been great about helping out as they can though. His buddies have done all of the yard work all summer, many people from the church have brought food and my husband and I have helped with groceries. My parents are helping and so are his in laws.

Maybe I can bring the Gofundme idea back up again now that the bills have gotten worse. Thanks so much for the ideas!

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by fern46

I am frustrated today and need to vent. My brother is going through a cancer battle and he keeps hitting one obstacle after another. He is supposed to be healing, but the blows keep on coming. He has insurance, but the only anesthesiologist that works at his hospital is out of network. He has had to have 4 separate procedures that required anesthesia. The cost is insane.


His doctor chose a pathologist that was also out of network while my brother was asleep and under anesthesia. That bill was several more thousand dollars.


With the chemo and multiple surgeries and doctors visits, my brother hit his out of pocket max for the year. Everything should be covered at 100%, but the doctors keep making crap decisions that are out of his hands. The bills are over 30k at this point and keep piling up. My brother worked so hard to save and have something to fall on should he ever lose his job. He had money set aside for his children's education. That is now gone. Going into debt is inevitable.


He was handling it all well and then the latest crap thing happened this week. His chemo has been going well and his masses have shrunk. He had a visible mass that appears to be gone now, so we can tell the treatment is working. He was supposed to have a PET scan this week to see if the cancer was gone and if additional chemo was needed. There is no other way to tell for his type of cancer, so it is medically necessary. The insurance company refused to pay. His doctor is now administering another round of chemo even though it might not be necessary at all. It is making him so sick and everyone is fine to watch him suffer to save a few dollars. I'm so disappointed and angry. He is such a good man and has worked hard all his life. He never gets sick and is treated like this the first time he needs support. He has kept a positive attitude throughout it all, but this last news has really gotten to him. Its just too much.


My husband and I are doing what we can to help, but it is like spitting on a raging financial fire. The whole thing makes me feel helpless and angry.


Rant over.

I’m sorry he is battling cancer, I lost my father to it in 97.

As for these out of network providers I? I say you need to fight the insurance company about the charges.

His cancer treatment team is at one location. It’s not your fault the anesthesia group doesn’t have a provider for X insurance.

You can submit an appeal stating his oncologist and surgeons needed are all together at hospital A there is no way for continuity of care if you have to go to another hospital, it’s likely another hospital will refuse it and your Doctors do not have privileges there.

Insurance companies will do anything to bill a patient , they bank on people just not fighting a bill.

I hope he can get some sort of break or a complete write off of those charges.

I hope your brother receives some positive news soon

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by spikes

Back to wanting to die...

I’m sorry your struggling

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Daonnachd

About 30 minutes ago I got a call from the hospital where I get ECT treatments. They haven't received this month's second opinion letter from my regular psychiatrist, a requirement for ECT. This is quite a stressor because my psych doc isn't in her office on Fridays and if the hospital doesn't get the letter I can't get treatment on Monday as I'm scheduled to do. I've sent a message to my doc's right hand staff, but haven't heard back yet. I'm hoping the letter was prepped and signed on the 8th when we met.

Bloody paperwork grrrrrr

I hope that somehow it gets sorted out quickly

[Jedi67]

took my increase of Geodon with dinner. looking forward to the .5 of Klonopin later. need to get a grasp on my sleep and anxiety. wishing everyone well.

[fern46]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I’m sorry he is battling cancer, I lost my father to it in 97.

As for these out of network providers I? I say you need to fight the insurance company about the charges.

His cancer treatment team is at one location. It’s not your fault the anesthesia group doesn’t have a provider for X insurance.

You can submit an appeal stating his oncologist and surgeons needed are all together at hospital A there is no way for continuity of care if you have to go to another hospital, it’s likely another hospital will refuse it and your Doctors do not have privileges there.

Insurance companies will do anything to bill a patient , they bank on people just not fighting a bill.

I hope he can get some sort of break or a complete write off of those charges.

I hope your brother receives some positive news soon

All good ideas. Thank you for this! And I am sorry about your father. That must have been difficult.

[fern46]

Originally Posted by Jedi67

took my increase of Geodon with dinner. looking forward to the .5 of Klonopin later. need to get a grasp on my sleep and anxiety. wishing everyone well.

I'm on 20mg of Geodon and it makes me feel like a sleepy zombie. Hopefully your increase works!

Today has been a better day so far. I took exra trazadone to sleep last night. My psych nurse was ok with the increase. But she was hesitant. That really irritates me because when I met with her on Wed she said she had no problem raising my trazadone as I come off the diazepam. Medicaid just sucks! You get wishy washy providers. Ugh!

I decrease my diazepam to 2 mgs tonight. I will be on that for 3 weeks. Then 1 mgs for 3 weeks then off. I hope the horror stories aren't true. If you go to benzo buddies or other websites about coming off 1 mgs of diazepam it's like he'll for ppl. But I am very strong. I've been through a lot in my life. So far it's been difficult but definitely not the hardest thing I've been through in my life.

Omg! My sister just called and said she will not discuss what happened in my childhood. She's just blocked it out. I'm left here with the peices. She likes me all medicated. She said I was angry before the meds in 2011 when I had that ptsd psychosis. Yeah I was! Now I'm in bad shape. From all the meds that make me like her! I'm sorry that was a huge trigger. I'm crying now. I better get off here....

[Victoria'smom]

I just want to go to bed. I'm tired. I want to sleep through this but all that happens is my anxiety spikes when I lay down unless I'm already passing out. Then I wake up to large amounts of anxiety and it just builds. My H wants me on anti-anxiety meds. I'm suppose to be working on advocating for myself I'm questioning whether to call or not. I'm not suicidal so I feel it can wait but I tend to get talked to for waiting to long. I should have asked about IOP when I saw the therapist. I'm trying to hang on until the first to see if I'm switching clinics or not I'm not switching pdocs because I like mine and less is more with her. I'm in the "it's not that bad" phase.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by rose1985

Today has been a better day so far. I took exra trazadone to sleep last night. My psych nurse was ok with the increase. But she was hesitant. That really irritates me because when I met with her on Wed she said she had no problem raising my trazadone as I come off the diazepam. Medicaid just sucks! You get wishy washy providers. Ugh!

I decrease my diazepam to 2 mgs tonight. I will be on that for 3 weeks. Then 1 mgs for 3 weeks then off. I hope the horror stories aren't true. If you go to benzo buddies or other websites about coming off 1 mgs of diazepam it's like he'll for ppl. But I am very strong. I've been through a lot in my life. So far it's been difficult but definitely not the hardest thing I've been through in my life.

Omg! My sister just called and said she will not discuss what happened in my childhood. She's just blocked it out. I'm left here with the peices. She likes me all medicated. She said I was angry before the meds in 2011 when I had that ptsd psychosis. Yeah I was! Now I'm in bad shape. From all the meds that make me like her! I'm sorry that was a huge trigger. I'm crying now. I better get off here....

Hi Rose,

It sounds like you have had a lot "stirred up" for awhile, and from a few different sources. I hope you can safely "chill" and take some time out. You might benefit greatly?

I hope you are feeling better, if not now, then ASAP!

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

I just want to go to bed. I'm tired. I want to sleep through this but all that happens is my anxiety spikes when I lay down unless I'm already passing out. Then I wake up to large amounts of anxiety and it just builds. My H wants me on anti-anxiety meds. I'm suppose to be working on advocating for myself I'm questioning whether to call or not. I'm not suicidal so I feel it can wait but I tend to get talked to for waiting to long. I should have asked about IOP when I saw the therapist. I'm trying to hang on until the first to see if I'm switching clinics or not I'm not switching pdocs because I like mine and less is more with her. I'm in the "it's not that bad" phase.

Hi!

Do you feel there is a truly helpful way to get some control over your anxiety?
The anxiety, as you describe it, seems very painful.

It's often a very fine line we walk as we try to negotiate our way through life.

I hope you will be just fine! If you find you are having a to rough of a time, please do reach out to someone able to respond.

We are right here if you need us!!!

[Wild Coyote]

I've had a very rough day today. It started out being highly problematic.

Things are quieter tonight.
I hope to get a couple of hours of sleep, in the least.

Love to All!

[~Christina]

I’m glad you got some improvement as the day progressed !!!

Hopefully tomorrow will be an easier day to manage while getting necessary things worked on.

I’m always here for you

[yellow_fleurs]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

I am glad you've gotten out with your friend!

I do hear you on having a "sensitive brain." I have one, too. Mine likes routine, day in and day out. The trouble is, I am, especially lately, not very good about keeping a daily/nightly routine. Things keep interfering and I keep falling off of the "tightrope" you have mentioned.

"Anything I can do to help is important." Yes! It is!
I admire the way you take responsibility for making sure you are doing as well as you can, despite the many challenges!

Party on!!!

Thank you for the encouragement! With all you are dealing with I imagine it like an elephant falling on you from the sky while trying to stand on a tight rope. You are doing the best you can do at the moment. Sending compassion