[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by rose1985

I'm struggling. My pdoc is taking me off the diazepam faster than I would like. I'm anxious and not sleeping well. She wouldn't compromise. I will be off them in 6 weeks. I see her again in Sep.

I'm doing trauma work and we went through ages 4-10. Its a lot. It's just making me feel sorry for myself and making me feel angry. My therapist said that I have a right to feel sorry for myself and that I'm incredibly resilient. I wish I believed that. I just feel angry. I'm scared she doesn't know what she's doing. One of my traumas is my mom trying to kill herself. I think it was like 4 times. I asked my sister today how many times and she got mad at me and hung up. My family has just blocked those years out. That's just 4-10. I have way more coming up. It just seems so unfair.

Our food stamps got messed up and had to go down there today about that. The light in my kitchen is out again. My son won't quit bothering me. I'm just stressed, anxious, feeling sorry for myself, angry, tired.

Life just sucks for me right now.

Rose, I am very sorry you are having such a trying time.

Digging up past traumas can cause a lot of turmoil: anger, anxiety, fatigue, confusion and more.

I am very curious: What type of trauma therapy are you involved in? I have not heard of therapy where people recall sequential years, like ages 4-10, for instance.

The good news is you were able to go to sort out any issues re: food stamps!

Maybe ... well, don't take a bath, it triggers you.
Maybe go to bed and read something interesting?
I don't know. What works for you?

Thanks for checking in!
Let us know how you are getting on?

[yellow_fleurs]

Gabyunbound I am so sorry to hear you were injured. I hope your pain continues to improve and you heal as quickly as possible. You definitely deserve to set boundaries with your brother, it is not fair that you should feel scared or abused by his behavior.

[sadveiledbride]

I haven't posted here in a bit. I am doing okay now but I had a bad night. Maybe I'll have another bad one, or I'm just setting myself up. What a pitiful ******* thing to do. What else is new? I am in a downward spiral at the moment. It seems the everlasting pain of life is kicking up to me finally, and I don't know how to go through this anymore.

[yellow_fleurs]

I went to the garden, to the gym and out for dinner with my friend tonight. Ate almost an entire huge burrito-I was super hungry! Still feeling decent, but perhaps due to too much caffeine or something as I was a bit irritable today. However, things are under control and I feel better after food and exercise. I am glad to be getting back into exercise I think it will be SO good for my mental health. What I have discovered is the teeniest bit of stress now throws off my brain, it's like walking on a tight rope or something, a constant balancing act. Anything I can do to help is important. I hope my brain continues to heal over time. Thinking of everyone and sending compassion.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by yellow_fleurs

I went to the garden, to the gym and out for dinner with my friend tonight. Ate almost an entire huge burrito-I was super hungry! Still feeling decent, but perhaps due to too much caffeine or something as I was a bit irritable today. However, things are under control and I feel better after food and exercise. I am glad to be getting back into exercise I think it will be SO good for my mental health. What I have discovered is the teeniest bit of stress now throws off my brain, it's like walking on a tight rope or something, a constant balancing act. Anything I can do to help is important. I hope my brain continues to heal over time. Thinking of everyone and sending compassion.

I am glad you've gotten out with your friend!

I do hear you on having a "sensitive brain." I have one, too. Mine likes routine, day in and day out. The trouble is, I am, especially lately, not very good about keeping a daily/nightly routine. Things keep interfering and I keep falling off of the "tightrope" you have mentioned.

"Anything I can do to help is important." Yes! It is!
I admire the way you take responsibility for making sure you are doing as well as you can, despite the many challenges!

Party on!!!

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by sadveiledbride

I haven't posted here in a bit. I am doing okay now but I had a bad night. Maybe I'll have another bad one, or I'm just setting myself up. What a pitiful ******* thing to do. What else is new? I am in a downward spiral at the moment. It seems the everlasting pain of life is kicking up to me finally, and I don't know how to go through this anymore.

Hi!

So glad you've checked in.

It can be very tough to have a bad night! We can, if we are not careful, begin to believe our nights might be "bad" from there on out. This is fear and it can really take hold for any of us.

Of course, it is possible you might have another challenging night. If so, how are you going to handle it? What message will you be giving to yourself during this challenge? (What will you be thinking/saying to yourself?)

Have you ever been trained in CBT or DBT?
I honestly think you'd enjoy both and would find these skills life-changing.

I write this with utmost love and compassion: Your thought pattern is causing you much more grief than you need or deserve! It's very likely that your depression is talking. CBT and/or DBT skills help us to re-frame our experiences and prepare us for, give us expectations of, change in our lives.

Just for example: The Sylvia Plath quote you have listed in your signature is very self-defeating. I honestly think you can get to a place where you will, and will want to, make much more life-affirming decisions for yourself. You ARE worth it!

I do think most of us, if not all of us, could benefit greatly from using our CBT/DBT skill sets.

I am hoping you have a very restful night!
Please do keep us up to date on how you are doing?

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Jennifer thank so much !

I hate when it gets this bad. I just want to take a deep breath but nope

I’m hobbling around like I’m 83 years old today lol

Tomorrow will just have to be better !

That sux. I can only commiserate inthat I get migraines and some last for days while others hurt so bad its all I can think about.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

I haven't exactly been tired, yet I have. It's a little hard to explain. I think what I need is for my psychiatrist to finally return from his vacation. I'm thinking a small decrease in my Seroquel XR would help. Even just 50 mg less. I have even been thinking about lowering it myself, but in the past, he has given me a lecture about doing that without notifying him. He wants the chance to veto, if necessary. He did tell me that he would be available by text, in certain circumstances, but I see that option as a very last resort. I don't see my current situation as an emergency. When my psychiatrist returns, I have lots of stuff to tell him. He doesn't even know that my pet died. How on earth would I be able to explain everything in a stupid text needed to justify a med adjustment? Texting is so counter to my whole communication style. I hate it!

My psychiatrist is closer to a parent figure for me than my own father. I need such a person right now. I feel that my actual father is pretty much gone. My siblings and I are likely out of his mind. If not, he is hiding from us and dreads us. I almost never call him, either. This is sad, but I don't want to. I don't know what to say to him anymore. I'm angry, extremely sad, and have so many other emotions brewing about him. Sometimes I wish he was truly gone. I realize that sounds utterly horrible. It stems from being in a long-term grieving process, but not being able to progress in it.

I have actually been thinking about pets. It is still too soon to adopt a new one, but it is so difficult being home without one. My husband and I are major bird enthusiasts. We've had a parrot at most times for the last 23 years. However, I'm thinking that for me, a cat might be a better next pet. I had a cat in my youth and really loved him. My husband only ever had pet parrots. When we first got married about 23 years ago, I had pushed for a cat, but my husband was so negative about the idea, so we adopted a parrot. Now, the grief of our early losses of our parrots has gotten to me too much. I guess I yearn for a pet that might be a little easier to care for. Maybe a little sturdier, hopefully. Parrots require a lot. When you lose a pet prematurely, even if it was an accident, it's hard not to feel that you were partially responsible. There are also other "pros", in my book, about me having a cat over a bird right now.

Hi BirdDancer,
I had made a mental note to re-read your post before I'd retired for the night. You are so good about responding to others!

I hope your pdoc will adjust your meds in a favorable direction.

I can feel your deep sadness (mixed with anger) for your dad. You are in an almost impossible situation. How can you build a healthy relationship with him? You can't, at least not now. What can you do about this? Not much,at all. You have tried and tried some more.

I have mentioned my actively alcoholic dad. He was, at most times, completely out of control with his disease. It had such a hold on him! It was so very sad and, certainly too often, overwhelmingly hopeless. His behaviors were atrocious! There was so much inner confusion and such inner turmoil felt by his loved ones. I can recall the night I was awakened and was told he had passed on. I'd felt an immediate sense of relief. It was a very confusing feeling. I'd felt guilty for feeling that way for many, many years.

You are truly in a very challenging spot with your dad. You are going to have very mixed feelings. You are feeling the by-products of your dad's disease. I am very sorry, very saddened, that you are going through this. I have some idea of just how extremely confusing and how utterly painful this can feel.
At times, we might feel as though we'd get some resolve and some relief if our loved one did pass on. it's THAT painful.

I know you are still grieving the loss of your pet. Grief seems to be a theme for your emotional life right now. This will change.
You will decide what type of a pet is best for you and your husband. You will then find the perfect one.

My heart goes out to you, BirdDancer!

I know you have the fortitude to find your way through this maze of pain and of loss.. You will heal and you will, in perfect timing, find inner peace and great JOY!!!

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Rose, I am very sorry you are having such a trying time.

Digging up past traumas can cause a lot of turmoil: anger, anxiety, fatigue, confusion and more.

I am very curious: What type of trauma therapy are you involved in? I have not heard of therapy where people recall sequential years, like ages 4-10, for instance.

The good news is you were able to go to sort out any issues re: food stamps!

Maybe ... well, don't take a bath, it triggers you.
Maybe go to bed and read something interesting?
I don't know. What works for you?

Thanks for checking in!
Let us know how you are getting on?

We're doing emdr. I don't know if this is the right time to do it. Coming off benzos is no joke. Thanks for your support.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by rose1985

We're doing emdr. I don't know if this is the right time to do it. Coming off benzos is no joke. Thanks for your support.

Oh! I did not realize EMDR went in sequential order like that. Interesting.

I think you can decide if you are up to whatever effects the EMDR is causing for you. If your resulting symptoms are too much, then do tell your therapist. See what s/he says and then make up your own mind about what you are or are not up to right now. Do take your own feelings seriously.

I have heard of both positive and negative experiences with EMDR.
I have never done EMDR. I have been advised against it due to the level of trauma. My doctors are afraid they might unearth info before I am ready for it.

There are different opinions from different people. A therapist who does EMDR is more likely to recommend it, I'd think?

It really does not matter what others have experienced with EMDR; what really matters is how YOU feel when going through treatment.

Please take care!!!

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

I haven't exactly been tired, yet I have. It's a little hard to explain. I think what I need is for my psychiatrist to finally return from his vacation. I'm thinking a small decrease in my Seroquel XR would help. Even just 50 mg less. I have even been thinking about lowering it myself, but in the past, he has given me a lecture about doing that without notifying him. He wants the chance to veto, if necessary. He did tell me that he would be available by text, in certain circumstances, but I see that option as a very last resort. I don't see my current situation as an emergency. When my psychiatrist returns, I have lots of stuff to tell him. He doesn't even know that my pet died. How on earth would I be able to explain everything in a stupid text needed to justify a med adjustment? Texting is so counter to my whole communication style. I hate it!


My psychiatrist is closer to a parent figure for me than my own father. I need such a person right now. I feel that my actual father is pretty much gone. My siblings and I are likely out of his mind. If not, he is hiding from us and dreads us. I almost never call him, either. This is sad, but I don't want to. I don't know what to say to him anymore. I'm angry, extremely sad, and have so many other emotions brewing about him. Sometimes I wish he was truly gone. I realize that sounds utterly horrible. It stems from being in a long-term grieving process, but not being able to progress in it.


I have actually been thinking about pets. It is still too soon to adopt a new one, but it is so difficult being home without one. My husband and I are major bird enthusiasts. We've had a parrot at most times for the last 23 years. However, I'm thinking that for me, a cat might be a better next pet. I had a cat in my youth and really loved him. My husband only ever had pet parrots. When we first got married about 23 years ago, I had pushed for a cat, but my husband was so negative about the idea, so we adopted a parrot. Now, the grief of our early losses of our parrots has gotten to me too much. I guess I yearn for a pet that might be a little easier to care for. Maybe a little sturdier, hopefully. Parrots require a lot. When you lose a pet prematurely, even if it was an accident, it's hard not to feel that you were partially responsible. There are also other "pros", in my book, about me having a cat over a bird right now.

Thank you so much for always supporting me, I appreciate it beyond words can express

I’m sorry I know how tough it is when our providers whom we become close with, depend on are out on vacation that they certainly deserve... but still it’s hard.

My T isn’t a Texter, he texted me a few months ago to see if I was ok, he said I just popped up in his mind a few times with in an hour, so he sent it.

I have saved the text, I often pull it up I guess for reassurance ? seeing his name and text? I don’t think Im overly attached or dependent on him in a unhealthy way , we have discussed it many times. We have a 8 year plus history. Who isn’t going to have some degree of attachment, mutual respect and feeling love in a non creepy manner of course.

I had a dog when I lost my last parrot. So I wasn’t left totally alone. It took me a long time to mourn my loss. Even when I think of Zimmy I get misty eyed.

Maybe a feline would be a good idea. Would be probably be healthy to switch to a different companion instead of another parrot.

Ok and for your Dad..... I would think that its like you have lost your Dad time and time again as he keeps falling into the pit of being an alcoholic. His drinking and actions are all triggering for you. He seems miserable with his life. I think wishing he would pass on would be a legitimate feeling. No need to feel bad for thinking this way, it’s an emotion, a thought, a feeling, ALL our feelings are valid.

I’m sure when you see your Pdoc and can put into words everything that happened over the last weeks, and boy have you been through a lot , you will have his kindness and understanding to help you find your balance again.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Gabyunbound

Had a major car accident a couple of weeks ago, 2 broken ribs and still in pain, though nothing like before. I've been scared to drive again, but finally rented a car the other day, have been doing a little driving, and am gaining a little confidence.


My family is in meltdown mode. As in my mother and brother. My mother has MS and is relegated to an electric wheelchair. She increasingly forgets what meds she's on, more and more cannot advocate for herself in doctor's appointments (she has lots of specialists for various other medical problems), and her paperwork is a total mess. She forgets appointments or gets them wrong. She needs me there more and to take her to all of her specialist appts, instead of only here and there. She lives 1.5 hours from me.


My brother went off on her the other day. He cannot, or will not, control his anger. He has intense and scary outbursts, yells and screams and slams things around. He's tall and has a loud, deep voice, and I think this makes him scarier. He also went off on me the other day because of something absurdly minor. I had told him before that his outbursts scare me, that he needs to stop, so I hung up on him when it started getting really bad. Then we continued on text.


His therapist says it's some sort of PTSD due to issues with our father, step-mother, and ex-wife (though clearly this behavior pre-dates their 'abandoning him' as he puts it, because they did so due to his behavior, which has been called scary and abusive). I don't have a coherent explanation, but I do not think it's PTSD. From what his girlfriend has said, it sounds like his therapist treats him as a victim of all those around him, which is very unhelpful, because that is what he does. It's everyone else's fault. And then when he feels bad about it, he feels like a total failure and gets near suicidal. There's no middle ground. He's very black and white, all or nothing.


My mother calls his behavior 'abusive,' yet she is always making excuses for him. She insists that he behaves as he does because of outside forces, and when I insist that he needs to take responsibility for his behavior, it upsets her. She's always idolized him, he's always been the golden boy. She's caught between his abusive behavior and her need to continue idolizing him. She would never defend me like she does him, but that's a whole different story.


His girlfriend says, amongst other things, that we (my mother, she and I) should allow him to lash out at us because we are his 'safe' people. (!)


I try and set boundaries, which are sorely needed, with my brother and my mother as well, for various reasons. It's been very very difficult.


I need to have another conversation with my boss about missing work due to my mother's appointments. She has several coming up and I'll have to miss work. My brother has always, since I moved here, insisted I be my mother's caretaker because he doesn't have time, for various reasons. It's true that I have a lot more free time than him, and a more flexible work schedule, but it's a lot to put on me alone.


That's a brief summary of a great deal that is going on.


But my primary concern at the moment, is that I have barely slept for the last 2 nights. The first night was before the 'familial meltdown' so, at least initially, it was not due to this. In any case, I only don't sleep when I'm going into an episode and now I'm very scared. I'm considering taking 2 instead of 1 klonopin to sleep. Might do the trick. My hope is that it doesn't make me too drowsy the next day. In any case, if I am, in fact, going into an episode, then I will likely not be drowsy. But if I am able to sleep, then I may be able to head off an episode, which is the goal. I'm scared...


I have an appt with my therapist later today. My next pdoc appt isn't for about another month and a half, but she always insists that if I need her before my next appt, I can make another appt. I'll have to see how things go.


I'm just so scared. I need to hold it together so badly. I'm scared...

Oh goodness ! I’m glad you weren’t hurt worse than you were, but any injury is one too many in my book.

I was in an accident driving my husbands truck. There were no injuries expect the front quarter panel and bumper, but I think I have only driven it maybe 2 times since, fear has me still in a corner over it.

I’m sorry about your mom and her continued worsening.

It’s hard to be a caregiver living near by but 1.5 hours away i can’t imagine the toll it’s taking out on you.

Well your Brother just sounds like a joy , not ! I think you did the right thing by ending the call with him acting ridiculous. Good boundaries..I don’t really have any advice on how to deal with him, if his T is helping him feel like a victim then that T should go flip burgers. And NO ! basic Therapy teaches us that lashing out at others isn’t going to help and it’s just unfair.. if someone needs a punching bag join a gym and pummel away your anger.

I hope that your able to sleep and not heading into an episode. Your plate is over flowing already.

Are there any services in your mom’s area that can assist her getting to her appts? I live in a rural area and they have vans equipped to handle the elderly getting too and from appts?

Maybe you can set up a call to her doctors where they are able to explain the plan. So your not having to drop work and make all the trips? Just a thought.

Hope things improve quickly for you

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Uggh!!!


One of those days. about 10 days ago, my pdoc thought I was hypo. I think maybe she was right. I was fine though. I feel horrible now. She had increased both my Seroquel and my Lamictal. I have been feeling worse almost every day. I decreased the meds last night. I need my head to clear up!


I hope this decrease will help. I see her tomorrow, after her 2 week vacation. She is going to tell me I should have called her. I don't want to bother her on her vacation. I can play doctor for a few days and will only do minimal damage.


Actually, I would not have done the increase quite like that. I would have increased only the Lamictal if anything.


H called to see if I had paid the mortgage. We made it through the conversation in a very civil manner. I had to bite my tongue... very often. He continues to lie to me.. Blatant lies. I do not understand the purpose? The many cats are already out of the many bags! Why lie now?


I guess I will never truly understand where he is coming from. I have tried and tried. I need to accept the fact that I do not have to understand him. Life goes on. I "think" we are going to submit ourselves unto mediation. At least, that is what I am told. I just never know for sure, which is a huge PIA.


It is a nice evening here tonight. Cool and a light breeze! I will love sleeping without any AC tonight!


I hope everyone is as well as can be!

Much Love ~

Oh my friend....

Honestly in the past I have fiddled with my meds a bit here and there because of sedation being to big of a problem or needing sleep desperately. I think she will understand given the circumstances.

I’m glad you were strong enough to not literally biting your tongue in half

I agree your never going to understand his actions, so many years he had a secret life. I hope things can go through a mediator ....he’s Disgusting human being for sure.

Our weather has been nice here the last couple of days. I actually sat out on our deck tonight.

I’m always here for you

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Thanks for asking. Yup, no problem. I don't like to look at them though! (I'm easily squicked out!) There are a couple of small threads that got caught in there from the gauze. Which also squicks me out, lol. Guess that will be dealt with tomorrow too. <shudder>


Actually at work right now on lunch. So far everything has been manageable. There are some large pieces coming up that I won't be able to do, but they know that.

I’m glad your back at work !
Has that bummer cloud been lifted off you since you went back to work??

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Fharraige

Lots going on, mainly with my daughter. My husband’s old car that she was driving died again, and the part needed costs more than the car is worth. She and her boyfriend were shopping for a new car. (Since they work for the same company they are on different shifts so no carpool there.) She finds one, so asks the insurance agent if she can put it on our policy, since she would have discounted rates in September. Nope, unless we’re on the title with her. Finally the agent gives her the discount on her own policy anyway, and she has a little car to get to work in. Another step to complete independence! I’m proud of her. There’s only the cellphone plan left, but we’re waiting until we see if she can handle the other payments. She has also completely moved out of her old apartment so that chapter in her life is closed. I think she’s much happier now and I’m happy for her. We decided to tow the old car from her place and scrap it.


Got another package concerning my dad’s life insurance. Finally called that insurance company and found out my brother did file a claim, but they’re still working it. Hopefully I won’t get any more paperwork now. That’s a scab that really doesn’t need to be picked.


My husband was selected for jury duty, again. It wouldn’t be a problem except it’s before my birthday, so don’t know whether to plan anything or not.


Lots of love to everyone.

As my daughter was spreading her wings , we also had her on our insurance, she was a careful driver and it saved her money. We also kept her phone on our plan. She got her own plan about a year later.

She has her dads olddd car now and on his insurance when she moved back to Florida, but he also has left her on his insurance. It’s crazy expensive in Florida. Her car as 249,000 miles on it LOL , she’s had numerous reasonable things fixed but it will eventually just die. She will then wind up taking on a car payment.

I swear when I was in my 20’s and 30’s I seemed to get called yearly for jury duty, drove me nuts. Somehow I was never picked, I’m sure do to my sour responses to questions LOL ! Now Bipolar automatically dismisses me , so hey! Upside to Bipolar.

I hope your husband isn’t picked and you can have a nice birthday.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by rose1985

I'm struggling. My pdoc is taking me off the diazepam faster than I would like. I'm anxious and not sleeping well. She wouldn't compromise. I will be off them in 6 weeks. I see her again in Sep.


I'm doing trauma work and we went through ages 4-10. Its a lot. It's just making me feel sorry for myself and making me feel angry. My therapist said that I have a right to feel sorry for myself and that I'm incredibly resilient. I wish I believed that. I just feel angry. I'm scared she doesn't know what she's doing. One of my traumas is my mom trying to kill herself. I think it was like 4 times. I asked my sister today how many times and she got mad at me and hung up. My family has just blocked those years out. That's just 4-10. I have way more coming up. It just seems so unfair.


Our food stamps got messed up and had to go down there today about that. The light in my kitchen is out again. My son won't quit bothering me. I'm just stressed, anxious, feeling sorry for myself, angry, tired.


Life just sucks for me right now.

Trauma work is just beyond hard and it seems never ending but hopefully you will be able to process things and move forward in time.

Sorry about you food stamp difficulties. Hopefully that’s squared away now.

Hope your getting some sleep.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by sadveiledbride

I haven't posted here in a bit. I am doing okay now but I had a bad night. Maybe I'll have another bad one, or I'm just setting myself up. What a pitiful ******* thing to do. What else is new? I am in a downward spiral at the moment. It seems the everlasting pain of life is kicking up to me finally, and I don't know how to go through this anymore.

I’m sorry for the continuing struggle.

Why not just take a break and float ?

Just stop trying to make sense of your mood ( easier said than done I know)

Can you find anything to distract yourself with? Books, movie, taking a walk, long shower or bath, but a fancy cupcake ? Have your favorite meal? Sometimes something small can give us a bit of self soothing.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by yellow_fleurs

I went to the garden, to the gym and out for dinner with my friend tonight. Ate almost an entire huge burrito-I was super hungry! Still feeling decent, but perhaps due to too much caffeine or something as I was a bit irritable today. However, things are under control and I feel better after food and exercise. I am glad to be getting back into exercise I think it will be SO good for my mental health. What I have discovered is the teeniest bit of stress now throws off my brain, it's like walking on a tight rope or something, a constant balancing act. Anything I can do to help is important. I hope my brain continues to heal over time. Thinking of everyone and sending compassion.

You had a busy enjoyable day ! Good for you for exercising. At the moment I’m glaring at the treadmill, my pain is just too much right now to get me on it.. maybe another day.

Ahhh Stress ! As you know I’m incredibly stressed so I totally get it. I have no real advice at this time other than just continue with your daily routine.

[Scooter9]

My older son left a few hours ago. He ended up staying almost 6 weeks... it was a nice visit. I miss him already.

I'm glad he was here for the passing of our cat since he loved him so much too.

Now the house feels empty but the remaining three of us have one another.

I'm sorry for everyone that's struggling. Sending hugs your way.

[fern46]

I am frustrated today and need to vent. My brother is going through a cancer battle and he keeps hitting one obstacle after another. He is supposed to be healing, but the blows keep on coming. He has insurance, but the only anesthesiologist that works at his hospital is out of network. He has had to have 4 separate procedures that required anesthesia. The cost is insane.

His doctor chose a pathologist that was also out of network while my brother was asleep and under anesthesia. That bill was several more thousand dollars.

With the chemo and multiple surgeries and doctors visits, my brother hit his out of pocket max for the year. Everything should be covered at 100%, but the doctors keep making crap decisions that are out of his hands. The bills are over 30k at this point and keep piling up. My brother worked so hard to save and have something to fall on should he ever lose his job. He had money set aside for his children's education. That is now gone. Going into debt is inevitable.

He was handling it all well and then the latest crap thing happened this week. His chemo has been going well and his masses have shrunk. He had a visible mass that appears to be gone now, so we can tell the treatment is working. He was supposed to have a PET scan this week to see if the cancer was gone and if additional chemo was needed. There is no other way to tell for his type of cancer, so it is medically necessary. The insurance company refused to pay. His doctor is now administering another round of chemo even though it might not be necessary at all. It is making him so sick and everyone is fine to watch him suffer to save a few dollars. I'm so disappointed and angry. He is such a good man and has worked hard all his life. He never gets sick and is treated like this the first time he needs support. He has kept a positive attitude throughout it all, but this last news has really gotten to him. Its just too much.

My husband and I are doing what we can to help, but it is like spitting on a raging financial fire. The whole thing makes me feel helpless and angry.

Rant over.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by fern46

I am frustrated today and need to vent. My brother is going through a cancer battle and he keeps hitting one obstacle after another. He is supposed to be healing, but the blows keep on coming. He has insurance, but the only anesthesiologist that works at his hospital is out of network. He has had to have 4 separate procedures that required anesthesia. The cost is insane.

His doctor chose a pathologist that was also out of network while my brother was asleep and under anesthesia. That bill was several more thousand dollars.

With the chemo and multiple surgeries and doctors visits, my brother hit his out of pocket max for the year. Everything should be covered at 100%, but the doctors keep making crap decisions that are out of his hands. The bills are over 30k at this point and keep piling up. My brother worked so hard to save and have something to fall on should he ever lose his job. He had money set aside for his children's education. That is now gone. Going into debt is inevitable.

He was handling it all well and then the latest crap thing happened this week. His chemo has been going well and his masses have shrunk. He had a visible mass that appears to be gone now, so we can tell the treatment is working. He was supposed to have a PET scan this week to see if the cancer was gone and if additional chemo was needed. There is no other way to tell for his type of cancer, so it is medically necessary. The insurance company refused to pay. His doctor is now administering another round of chemo even though it might not be necessary at all. It is making him so sick and everyone is fine to watch him suffer to save a few dollars. I'm so disappointed and angry. He is such a good man and has worked hard all his life. He never gets sick and is treated like this the first time he needs support. He has kept a positive attitude throughout it all, but this last news has really gotten to him. Its just too much.

My husband and I are doing what we can to help, but it is like spitting on a raging financial fire. The whole thing makes me feel helpless and angry.

Rant over.

Hi fern,

I am so sorry for all you and your brother are going through.

I do understand the frustration.

My brother has needed 2 major surgeries this year and the price tags are very high. He is afraid he will lose his house, and he just might.

Is your brother's care at a public hospital?
If so, it is likely that he can apply for assistance through the patient accounts/financial office of the hospital. There is usually funding available for people who do not qualify for Public Assistance; yet, have a lot of medical debt. Please do check to see if this is an option for him. They usually give out paperwork that must be completed. They then go over the completed paperwork and make a determination.

I hope this is an option for your brother.

The other thing I have found helpful is in offering the hospital a lesser amount of money, a lump sum, paid immediately in full. This option depends upon the availability of cash, the amount of the bill, the willingness of the hospital to settle the debt. (For general information, I have found this approach welcomed by the local teaching hospital on larger debts and even smaller debts, ie: under $5K.)

Just a couple of thoughts. I will keep thinking on this.

In addition to the financial toll, this all takes such an emotional toll! It's common for people to feel anxious, angry, alone, demoralized, hopeless, overwhelmed and more.

Love and prayers for your brother, for you and for your family.

Hi fern. I feel for your brother. I understand the financial toll that hospitalizations and other medical treatments can bring. I've experienced them, too. I'm glad that Wild Coyote offered some ideas for the present. As for the future, it is up to us in our country (assuming you're from the US) to demand changes to this kind of hardship. We don't have to accept such a reality. Most people in Europe don't suffer such a situation because of their medical healthcare systems. As a person with family in Germany and Czech Republic, if you were to ask them if they'd rather have the US system or theirs, they wouldn't hesitate for a second to say they much prefer theirs. They don't go broke when they get sick. They just don't. They have access to excellent doctors/hospitals, too.

As everyone should know, change will hopefully come if a very great majority asks for improvement. What are our top priorities? Who really plans to make things better, in terms of healthcare? Who will really protect people with pre-existing conditions? For those who think this is a very high priority, the right vote can help make positive changes happen. If the people who represent those who want positive changes are against it, they need to be told. In an ideal world, elected representatives are supposed to represent the majority of their constituents. Not the minority.

[fern46]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Hi fern,

I am so sorry for all you and your brother are going through.

I do understand the frustration.

My brother has needed 2 major surgeries this year and the price tags are very high. He is afraid he will lose his house, and he just might.

Is your brother's care at a public hospital?
If so, it is likely that he can apply for assistance through the patient accounts/financial office of the hospital. There is usually funding available for people who do not qualify for Public Assistance; yet, have a lot of medical debt. Please do check to see if this is an option for him. They usually give out paperwork that must be completed. They then go over the completed paperwork and make a determination.

I hope this is an option for your brother.

The other thing I have found helpful is in offering the hospital a lesser amount of money, a lump sum, paid immediately in full. This option depends upon the availability of cash, the amount of the bill, the willingness of the hospital to settle the debt. (For general information, I have found this approach welcomed by the local teaching hospital on larger debts and even smaller debts, ie: under $5K.)

Just a couple of thoughts. I will keep thinking on this.

In addition to the financial toll, this all takes such an emotional toll! It's common for people to feel anxious, angry, alone, demoralized, hopeless, overwhelmed and more.

Love and prayers for your brother, for you and for your family.

I'm so sorry your brother is going through this too. It is such a shame. I think a lot of us here go through similar struggles with IP and IOP stays. We shouldn't have to give up our way of life just to fight illness.

Thanks for the ideas. His hospital bills are covered now, but these independent doctors keep popping up out of network. Perhaps they will accept a lump sum like you mentioned. Some money now is better than small payments over time in some cases.

Thanks for your support!

[fern46]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

Hi fern. I feel for your brother. I understand the financial toll that hospitalizations and other medical treatments can bring. I've experienced them, too. I'm glad that Wild Coyote offered some ideas for the present. As for the future, it is up to us in our country (assuming you're from the US) to demand changes to this kind of hardship. We don't have to accept such a reality. Most people in Europe don't suffer such a situation because of their medical healthcare system. As a person with family in Germany and Czech Republic, if you were to ask them if they'd rather have the US system or theirs, they wouldn't hesitate for a second to say they much prefer theirs. They don't go broke when they get sick. They just don't. They have access to excellent doctors/hospitals, too. As you know, change will come if everyone asks for improvement. What are our top priorities? Who really plans to make things better, in terms of healthcare? Who will really protect people with pre-existing conditions? For those who think this is a very high priority, the right vote can help make positive changes happen.

Thank you BirdDancer. Yes, we live in the states. You're right that we need changes and that can only happen if we take action. I may just write a few letters. I wanted to call the insurance company myself, but they won't speak to me. All of this and his company is considered to be 'good insurance'. Ugh.

The doctors screw the insurance companies over as well. I had this happen with my IP and IOP recently. Both times I was kept longer than medically necessary simply because my insurance would pay for it. I watched people who were much worse off leaving way too early and I was kept. I didn't say anything while I was IP, but I pushed back when I was in IOP. I had been stable for weeks and they wanted me to stay longer. I threatened to speak with my insurance company and they quickly backed down and discharged me. What a mess!!

I have also heard from many in Europe that their system is much better. I am a system designer and it frustrates me to watch so many suffer when there are many systems to follow that have better results. There is always a way to do what is financially responsible while keeping the best interests of the people at heart. We have lost sight of that here and healthcare is simply a business. It is sad really. We claim to thrive on innovation and yet we are fine to squander away the health of those who generate the ideas and keep the lights on.

Originally Posted by fern46

Thank you BirdDancer. Yes, we live in the states. You're right that we need changes and that can only happen if we take action. I may just write a few letters. I wanted to call the insurance company myself, but they won't speak to me. All of this and his company is considered to be 'good insurance'. Ugh.

The doctors screw the insurance companies over as well. I had this happen with my IP and IOP recently. Both times I was kept longer than medically necessary simply because my insurance would pay for it. I watched people who were much worse off leaving way too early and I was kept. I didn't say anything while I was IP, but I pushed back when I was in IOP. I had been stable for weeks and they wanted me to stay longer. I threatened to speak with my insurance company and they quickly backed down and discharged me. What a mess!!

I have also heard from many in Europe that their system is much better. I am a system designer and it frustrates me to watch so many suffer when there are many systems to follow that have better results. There is always a way to do what is financially responsible while keeping the best interests of the people at heart. We have lost sight of that here and healthcare is simply a business. It is sad really. We claim to thrive on innovation and yet we are fine to squander away the health of those who generate the ideas and keep the lights on.

I write letters to politicians a lot. It is important. It can be just as important or even more important to write letters to representatives/senators of the opposite party that one usually votes for. I'm always reminding people how important voting is, but the fact is, the US really has only two parties to choose between. Obviously there are people in each party that are more moderate or liberal or conservative. I know that many people maybe support some policies of the party they usually vote for and others of the one they don't. It's tough, isn't it? Then if politician personalities factor in, it's also tough.

I almost always include mental health advocacy in my letters.

I know my last couple of posts are politics-related, and that's discouraged, but I'm trying very hard not promote any particular party. I'm mostly emphasizing advocacy.