I'm doing alright/so-so.

I've been working all weekend on a project that my boss wants me to submit for a conference talk in California, but I don't want to go to California! I hate traveling! Hell, I don't even like going to work, and that's only 20 mins away. I just get anxiety every time I get in a car or go on a plane. And the earthquakes don't help, considering the conference is where the earthquakes are/were. (I think there are more to come?)

On another note, I didn't sleep well last night. "Went to bed" at 8pm, but didn't fall asleep until like 9:30pm. Then I woke up at 3am and I've been exhausted, but I couldn't go back to sleep and still can't go back to sleep. I'm a zombie. ugh. Just one of those days...

[Ezrigirl]

Went to bed at 11.45 and got up at 4.45. Not tired. Still depressed.

[Wild Coyote]

Extremely wiped out.
Can barely function.
Far too much stress for far too long.

Love to All ~

[Ezrigirl]

I just had a shower. I smell better after mowing the yard yesterday in 90F heat.

We are doing a museum day today. Tomorrow we head home. I'm not looking forward to this coming week. I'll be attending my uncle's funeral. Obviously that's a sad event, but also a little stressful. I'll see relatives and others I haven't seen for ages. It's awkward because I hadn't seen my uncle for years even though he lived down the street from my dad. I had become estranged from him and was never close to his wife. His daughter has a sad past of addiction and imprisonments. I don't even really know her children. I only remember the names of two of her three children.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

We are doing a museum day today. Tomorrow we head home. I'm not looking forward to this coming week. I'll be attending my uncle's funeral. Obviously that's a sad event, but also a little stressful. I'll see relatives and others I haven't seen for ages. It's awkward because I hadn't seen my uncle for years even though he lived down the street from my dad. I had become estranged from him and was never close to his wife. His daughter has a sad past of addiction and imprisonments. I don't even really know her children. I only remember the names of two of her three children.

Museums can be so interesting!
I hope you have a safe trip home.
I hope next week proves to be less stressful than you may be anticipating!

Thinking of you!

[Sunflower123]

Feeling much better this morning. Floating in the pool on sunny days always helps. My mom, daughter and I are going to the market today where the theme is peaches. Looking forward to another gorgeous bouquet of flowers and ripe, juicy peaches.

I’ve been up since 9:55 pm last night but feel pretty good. Sleep always helps a bad day.

Warm wishes to all and hugs to those that are struggling.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

This silents is going to kill me. I need to get over it before I meet my new T.

Possible trigger:

I want to express myself through cutting.

I can't H will see, then more meds and we know how that will go over with me. I already want to stop meds and sink, this is really, really uncomfortable and I've lost my words to explain it. Just typing this so far took over an hour. I may cut my hair. I'm not taking care of it.. I want to do other "not the smartest ideas" but they may lead to me actually being hospitalized. So those are out too. I'm generally in a self destructive mood today. Being alone today is not the best idea but I hate to bother H. If I actually talk about what I'm thinking I may risk an early pdoc or hospitalization. Which I'm vehemently against because that means more meds.

Possible trigger:

I don't want to kill myself but if I acted on anything it could be accidental.

. So I wont. I know if I hold on I will get through this. That the bad ideas will pass and I don't need to tell anyone to babysit me or worry. Plus then I actually have to talk and he might tattle to pdoc tomorrow when he sees her.

I’m sorry you are struggling through this. I hope you feel better soon. Please stay safe even if that means telling someone.

[~Christina]

Well I feel like hammered poop today. Mentally and physically.

Seems today is being rough on many of us

Hugs and cookies to everyone

[Wild Coyote]

(Please do not move this. I hope it can stay here? I am sharing a lot. I need support and I am most familiar with my friends here in this forum. It is also a cautionary tale, and encouragement, to people with disabilities if/when experiencing abuse and/or feeling powerless. Thank you! )


I am going to need a lot of help around the house, with errands and more.
H used to help out. (He is doing the opposite now.)

I have been disabled for 35 years now. I am often needing some kind of help with everyday tasks, even without the added stress. In those 35 years, I have never been entirely alone. (H, alone, has been with me for 27 years.) My various conditions have progressed.

I'd also had a service animal -- a gorgeous German Shepherd. She has passed on. She was such a nice dog. (My H used to rant and rave about how much he "hated" her, even when she was an adorable little pup. Who hates little puppies? She was soooo well-trained.) So strange -- his response to her.

I have been so stressed (by what H has been doing to me), I have been in severe pain and have been wiped out. I have needed extra medication, which means more side-effects, as well. Emotional abuse, mental cruelty, whatever one wants to call it, is very stressful., so very demoralizing. So many of these spouses try to intimidate and perform controlling and/or "punishing" actions..

In truth, he used to dole out a lot of mental cruelty. Ranting and raving, making me very, very afraid of him. He used to blame his bipolar illness; however, I have now learned that IF there is any witness, he will not conduct himself that way, at all. I had no say in anything and if I did differ with him, politely, he'd threaten divorce and/or make some other passive-aggressive move., which was very punishing and/or meant to be very intimidating, even verbally threatening to seriously harm (or worse) our highly trained dogs.

My elderly mom has been helping me with transportation since I have asked him to leave. I am currently on too many meds and will not drive if I feel I am impaired. She also does the grocery shopping, etc., etc. She is also wiped out due to the stress. She feels she is going to have a breakdown. Me, too.

Why did I stay married to him? Like any "abuser," they can be charming when not actively abusing. As I have mentioned, I have been disabled for many years. While I had disability income, it was not enough to survive. I had come to care about him. He is very likable and most people liked him very much. (little did they know.) He could be fun and compassionate, too. He'd showed his abusive side much more after we were married. I will admit there were some red flags prior to marriage, but I'd thought we could iron out the kinks. Silly me. And he had gone through an intensive program meant to rehab "abusers," due to his mental/emotional abuse tactics and his explosive and highly animated, very scary rants, etc. He seemed to be two separate people... each personality very different from the other. It was all very stressful and very confusing...overwhelming, in fact.

As a person with very real and multiple disabilities, I'd felt I was "over a barrel" much of the time. He played on this. I'd needed the help with errands and with household tasks. I'd needed the other benefits he'd provided (medical, dental, vision, etc.). I'd also cared about him, as strange as that might seem..We''d had a bond, despite the abuse. I'd also highly suspected he might make life a living hell if I'd ever filed for a divorce. (I was right about this.)

I did not think I would survive if I'd filed for a divorce...I'd thought he would get nasty, further intimidating and very unfair. I'd believed, as he had assured me, I would get nothing in the divorce settlement. I was too ill to fight it.

More recently, I had gotten fed up with all I have recently discovered and have been willing to take a chance on how everything would"shake out." I have learned that I am not left totally high and dry (financially), once the divorce is final. I am glad this is the case. I had decided I was better off, no matter what became of me after the divorce. Anything had to be better than being so emotionally abused, so controlled, so betrayed, over and over.

If you are disabled and in an abusive marriage, please take note. Please reach out to agencies and learn the truth about the law and your rights. (Each state has different laws governing "abuse," separation, divorce, alimony, child support, etc.) It is additionally helpful to gain some emotional support, as the process can be very trying.

So it is clear that I am now going to need help around the house and with many other tasks. This realization is somewhat humbling. However, overall, I am hoping things will be less stressful once things are settled and life returns to "normal."

I deeply appreciate the support given to me during this very difficult time. I cannot find the words to express my deepest gratitude.

I know I've said it before, but OH, how I wish I could be there in person to help you in any way possible, sweet WC!! (I was super-lucky that I didn't get that side of that sort of personality, BUT he still harbors hope of getting back together, so that must play into it somehow).

I went out last night. Had on ok time. There was a guy that seemed a little too focused on me, but nothing too bad. (I snuck out while he was busy dancing, just to make sure, lol). He seemed basically ok, I just wasn't in the mood and it felt weird as I haven't dealt in that realm for many years).

A little out of it this morning. Off to work...

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

I know I've said it before, but OH, how I wish I could be there in person to help you in any way possible, sweet WC!! (I was super-lucky that I didn't get that side of that sort of personality, BUT he still harbors hope of getting back together, so that must play into it somehow).

I went out last night. Had on ok time. There was a guy that seemed a little too focused on me, but nothing too bad. (I snuck out while he was busy dancing, just to make sure, lol). He seemed basically ok, I just wasn't in the mood and it felt weird as I haven't dealt in that realm for many years).

A little out of it this morning. Off to work...

Hi! Thanks for your continued support.. Yes, it can make a difference IF they think they might stand a chance at some level of reconciliation. They tend to become more angry and hostile if they feel there is no turning back. Or so I hear.

I am glad you now have your freedom and are getting out, exploring life, having FUN!
I hope you have a great day!

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

Feeling much better this morning. Floating in the pool on sunny days always helps. My mom, daughter and I are going to the market today where the theme is peaches. Looking forward to another gorgeous bouquet of flowers and ripe, juicy peaches.

I’ve been up since 9:55 pm last night but feel pretty good. Sleep always helps a bad day.

Warm wishes to all and hugs to those that are struggling.

I am so glad you are feeling better!
I hope you have FUN today!

[~Christina]

Oh hun, This breaks my heart knowing all he’s done and still is doing.

I have re read what you wrote 3 times and what I’m seeing in you is a strong woman that unfortunately wound up with a total shyt human being, you are NOT at fault for any despicable thing he has chosen to do.

You have unbelievable strength and although this is going to likely be a long nasty battle you will handle it all.

I’m here for you always

Love you

[hopeless2015]

Motorcycle ride all day yesterday, sunburned but the fresh air and sunshine felt amazing.

Hugs to all

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Oh hun, This breaks my heart knowing all he’s done and still is doing.

I have re read what you wrote 3 times and what I’m seeing in you is a strong woman that unfortunately wound up with a total shyt human being, you are NOT at fault for any despicable thing he has chosen to do.

You have unbelievable strength and although this is going to likely be a long nasty battle you will handle it all.

I’m here for you always

Love you

Thank you for being such a great friend! I deeply appreciate you!
We''ll get through it!!! I may do a lot of whining in the meantime.

My posts have been too long; yet, I hope my candid posts will help someone, somewhere.

Love backatcha!!!

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by hopeless2015

Motorcycle ride all day yesterday, sunburned but the fresh air and sunshine felt amazing.

Hugs to all

SO GLAD you are back around!
I LOVE hearing about your motorcycle adventures!

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

I'm doing alright/so-so.

I've been working all weekend on a project that my boss wants me to submit for a conference talk in California, but I don't want to go to California! I hate traveling! Hell, I don't even like going to work, and that's only 20 mins away. I just get anxiety every time I get in a car or go on a plane. And the earthquakes don't help, considering the conference is where the earthquakes are/were. (I think there are more to come?)

On another note, I didn't sleep well last night. "Went to bed" at 8pm, but didn't fall asleep until like 9:30pm. Then I woke up at 3am and I've been exhausted, but I couldn't go back to sleep and still can't go back to sleep. I'm a zombie. ugh. Just one of those days...

Hey Blue!

I am sure you will do an outstanding job on the assignment given to you by your boss! You are so very bright!

I am sorry your sleep was so interrupted. I hope you can get some good sleep tonight!

I love hearing from you!

[wildflowerchild25]

Wild coyote, I don’t think I’ve said anything to you personally about your situation, because it is so horrifying that I cannot even think of anything to say. But I want you to know you will always have my support. You are one of the sweetest, most caring people here on PC and I am proud to call you my friend. You’ve been there for me since the beginning and I will forever be grateful. You WILL get through this, and hopefully this dirtbag who has caused you so much grief will get what he deserves in the end.

[Victoria'smom]

I'm so sorry WC. I need daily help too. I can't imagine what your going through right now. Can you find an assistance apartment or have a home health aid come in?

[wildflowerchild25]

Our party was spectacular yesterday! During set up we had a bit of a downpour but the rain cooled things off a bit although the humidity was ridiculous. Toward the end it started to get dark and thunder again so everyone decided to get going. It was about a four hour long party which I think is perfect length for me, any longer and I get antsy for people to leave so I can relax and recharge in silence. My grandmother came and saw the house which I was soooo happy about. Everyone who came said it was a really nice little house. I’m glad they thought so! It is a sweet little house.

Today RS went to a side job in the morning which gave me and My son a little alone time. Then he came home and set up the pool he bought. It’s a little thing, just about ten foot diameter and two feet deep, but it’ll be nice in this heat. Not sure what our water bill is going to look like after filling it up but oh well.

This upcoming week RS is taking Wednesday and Thursday off and we are going to take my son to the water park and to the free zoo down the shore. Then I go back to work on Friday. I’m glad, I’ve had a nice time off but as you all know I get bored easily and I hate being alone all day. I will probably just sleep on Monday and Tuesday. I don’t have any money to do anything fun.

Day two with the juul and I’m doing ok. Much better than with the e cig I was using before. I hardly wanted to smoke at all yesterday. Today I’ve had a few cravings but when I really think about it I don’t want to smoke. So hopefully this is it for me. I will report back!

[sadveiledbride]

I had a bad night. Still recovering from that.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Our party was spectacular yesterday! During set up we had a bit of a downpour but the rain cooled things off a bit although the humidity was ridiculous. Toward the end it started to get dark and thunder again so everyone decided to get going. It was about a four hour long party which I think is perfect length for me, any longer and I get antsy for people to leave so I can relax and recharge in silence. My grandmother came and saw the house which I was soooo happy about. Everyone who came said it was a really nice little house. I’m glad they thought so! It is a sweet little house.

Today RS went to a side job in the morning which gave me and My son a little alone time. Then he came home and set up the pool he bought. It’s a little thing, just about ten foot diameter and two feet deep, but it’ll be nice in this heat. Not sure what our water bill is going to look like after filling it up but oh well.

This upcoming week RS is taking Wednesday and Thursday off and we are going to take my son to the water park and to the free zoo down the shore. Then I go back to work on Friday. I’m glad, I’ve had a nice time off but as you all know I get bored easily and I hate being alone all day. I will probably just sleep on Monday and Tuesday. I don’t have any money to do anything fun.

Day two with the juul and I’m doing ok. Much better than with the e cig I was using before. I hardly wanted to smoke at all yesterday. Today I’ve had a few cravings but when I really think about it I don’t want to smoke. So hopefully this is it for me. I will report back!

I am so glad things are going so well for you!
I enjoy the updates!
Much Love~

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Wild coyote, I don’t think I’ve said anything to you personally about your situation, because it is so horrifying that I cannot even think of anything to say. But I want you to know you will always have my support. You are one of the sweetest, most caring people here on PC and I am proud to call you my friend. You’ve been there for me since the beginning and I will forever be grateful. You WILL get through this, and hopefully this dirtbag who has caused you so much grief will get what he deserves in the end.

I deeply appreciate your support.
At one time or another, we all go through trials. It has been a gift unto me to have the opportunity to share in the trials and tribulations of all friends here on PC. I mean this with all of my heart.

It's been an exceptional pleasure to know you and to support you because you have worked so hard to recover from very devastating circumstances. I, like so many others, have believed in you so very much! You are an amazing woman!

It's been a pleasure to be your friend!
I had just written a response to your post, before I saw this. Lol!.

Much Love and Gratitude ~

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by sadveiledbride

I had a bad night. Still recovering from that.

I am sorry you are having a tough time.
I have been having some very bad nights, too. No fun!
I hope you have a better night tonight!