[Blue_Bird]

I went to confession earlier, I've been avoiding it for way too long, lost touch with my faith for awhile but I'm going to mass tomorrow and very happy about it

Had a rough night though, but played some video games and listened to music which seemed to help calm me down

[fern46]

WC, thank you so very much for your kind words. You are going through so much and yet you take time out to lift others with your generous heart. I think that is a true testament to the type of person you are.

I know it is so very difficult, but I anticipate you will continue to rise above the chaos your husband created and find a way to a settlement that works for you. You deserve for this to all be a chapter in your past and I hope it ends as soon as possible.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by tecomsin

Hey WC, your so gracious to respond to so many people here. I don't know how you do it, with so much going on in your own life.

Yes I am on my own. My son is enjoying his weekend with friends. I don't feel desperate or anything and also don't want to make anyone else sick with whatever ails me.

The police will not tell you who contacted them and my experience is that if I try to ask them that question, it is taken as an indication of paranoia because no one would call the police just for their own ulterior motives... or so they believe.

I didn't know my sister disagreed about something I had decided about what i wanted done with what she had decided was my part of my dad's estate. It's a long story but technically she is the sole inheritor, executor and trustee, so she has all the cards.

She didn't tell me she disagreed with me. Instead she convinced my son I was urgently ill and he needed to get me hospitalized.

Once I wrote to her that I had changed my position to what she wanted, then she hasn't contacted me since. She had no genuine concern for me. She required that i change my mind without even telling me she disagreed.

She always had to have 100% her own way, hold all the cards and now try to destroy the relationship I have with my son. I am a bit angry at him to for going along with charade on her part for as long as he did, and texting her what he was discussing with me in the middle of our dinner conversation. It feels like a huge invasion of privacy.

My son at first didn't believe me when I said she had never discussed her concerns with me, but instead went directly to him. She also misrepresented my position to him. It was only slightly off from what she wanted but she made it into an extreme position so again she looks like the good guy and I look like the bad one. She has done this to me my entire life. It was my mistake for telling her I'd be discussing the division of my part of the estate with my son at dinner on wednesday. She used the intervening time to manipulate him into interrogating my mental status and questioning everything that I said.

Hi Again!

I actually find reading and responding here quite relaxing. It also often shifts me into a better frame of mind, not always, yet often enough to be rewarding!

As of late, I find my frame of mind shifting too frequently... and maybe getting a little too dark for my liking! Lol!

I am very happy to be interacting with you!

Wow! Your sister!

I guess one would have to be unbalanced in order to disagree with her stance? Quite condescending.

I am also saddened your son did not see through her manipulation. I do hope he will be "on guard" in the future.

Sisters can be very trying at times. I have a few of them.

I do wish you a speedy recovery, tecomsin!
Keep us in the loop!

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

I went to confession earlier, I've been avoiding it for way too long, lost touch with my faith for awhile but I'm going to mass tomorrow and very happy about it

Had a rough night though, but played some video games and listened to music which seemed to help calm me down

It's always nice to hear from you!

I am very happy for you!

Some of us have a faith-based religion, or faith-based beliefs, in the very core of our Beings, depending upon how we were brought up. I feel it is often VERY important for people to get in touch with their spirituality, whatever that means to each person.

I wish you well on your quest! I hope you find more Love and more Light in your life!!!

Much Love~

[~Christina]

I’m kinda stuck in my own head today.

Hugs and cookies to everyone

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by fern46

WC, thank you so very much for your kind words. You are going through so much and yet you take time out to lift others with your generous heart. I think that is a true testament to the type of person you are.

I know it is so very difficult, but I anticipate you will continue to rise above the chaos your husband created and find a way to a settlement that works for you. You deserve for this to all be a chapter in your past and I hope it ends as soon as possible.

Thank you, fern.

I've had a lot of hard lessons in life, I think we all have.
I tend to get a little too big for my britches, thinking I should never again have to fall to my knees, asking for mercy and looking for direction.

Once again, here I am, in a place I could never imagine. It's now my mandate to find my way through "it all." And so, while I am full of negative emotions regarding this situation, I suppose I should thank the Universe for this additional opportunity for growth.

There is a valuable lesson(s) in "it all" ... somewhere.
It may be very tough to find and tough to appreciate, yet it is there.
Every major life event has an impact upon us.
I wonder who I will be on the other side of this one?

I am glad you are here with us!

Love and Light!

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I’m kinda stuck in my own head today.

Hugs and cookies to everyone

Hi ~Christina!

There's nothing wrong with being stuck in your own head!
I dislike being stuck in my head and outta my mind, that gets trying.

I hope you will have a full night of restful sleep!

Much Love~

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Dysphoria

I'm just tired. Tired of living this way but I see no way out.

Hi!

Welcome to the PC Bipolar forum.
I hope you will find the information and the support you may be seeking.

I am sorry you are having a difficult time.

As you interact more here, you will find other members will do the same and you might find some good friends here.

Please feel free to share more about yourself, but ONLY WHEN YOU ARE READY!!

I hope to see you around!

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I slept all day today. I don't think it is depression; I think it is boredom combined with not getting enough nutrition for several weeks. Nonetheless I'm very, very tired.

My sister asked me to house/pet sit in a week and while the money is nice I am thinking of declining. It's for a whole week and my mom would have to deal with medicating my cat which is hard. I also don't know if I'll be recovered from whatever I ingested on vacation and if I feel sick I want to be home. I'm not sure though. Between my father's cremation and dental bills I could use the money.

Time to try to medicate the cat. If he's relaxed it is so easy and if he isn't I wind up bleeding. But I want to sleep so it is time.

thought I'd post and check in with everyone before I go to church.

hope everyone is well

feeling okay just blah no sleep again because of the fibro pain

[Wander]

Hugs to all who are struggling. I am sorry I don't really respond much. I am finding reading and concentrating difficult. My head is a mess. I am sorry I post so often too. I am not looking for attention, it simply helps me feel less alone.

IP for two days now and feel worse. I want to go home but have been told that is a bad idea. I am so damn restless, agitated even, which makes every task unbearable. I am refusing a lot of the extra Seroquel as I am afraid of weight gain (I've been on 50-400 mg a day, with less each day). I think I am paranoid about the meds. It is so difficult feeling so edgy and unable to go outside and walk to burn some of it off. I did go to the small gym here but am using it mostly for hip recovery as running or cycling (cardio) are too harsh on my hip. Another frustration.

At least I have insurance to cover this, a gym to help my hip, food, shelter, and mostly great staff. My pdoc was supposed to come in today but he hasn't shown up. Guess being its a sunny Sunday he found better things to do. Doubt he can help anyway. I just need to let the meds work but still resist it. WHY? My Lithium was increased and Ziprazidone split up morning and night, and maybe increased 60mg a day too. I have ants crawling around inside me. Very hard to be patient and not run away.

My parents came today. It was simply a causal visit but still triggered me. I was also very agitated and impatient so I wanted them to leave as soon as they came for no other reason that I couldn't sit still, concentrate and answer their Q's. Well that is my rant.

[Blue_Bird]

Sorry you're struggling Wander, being in the hospital is frustrating, I hope things get better for you as time goes on

[fern46]

Wander, thank you for keeping us updated. We appreciate the posts and we care about how you're doing.

It sounds like you are still swimming upstream. That is exhausting I'm sure. I am hopeful your mind will surrender to the process soon so that you can begin to relax a little. You need rest and to begin healing. You are working so hard to resist. Maybe spend a little time contemplating what it would be like to let go and accept where you are for a while. My IP stay had a lot to offer me once I accepted I needed and wanted to be there. Maybe yours can too. Blessings for peace and rest.

In 2015, a routine mammogram led to the discovery of a cancerous nodule in my grandma’s breast. She immediately had a lumpectomy before the nodule could enlarge any further. However, the surgeon who performed the procedure warned her that the cancerous nodule had a 40% chance of returning. Well, it grew back, this time bigger than ever.

She will turn 89 in one week from today (on the 21st). Because of her age, my mom elected not to do chemotherapy on her. My mom is trying to see if her surgeon will remove the breast altogether (which obviously isn’t ideal for anyone, but it is what it is).

The doctor thinks that, because of where the nodule grew in the first place, the cancer STILL might return, so he is recommending hormones as a post operative treatment to reduce the risk of the cancer from returning. However, he also firmly warned that the hormones themselves carry a risk of exacerbating the situation (i.e., they can cause cancer, too). But apparently the benefits outweigh the risks, so my mom is going through with the entire recommended treatment plan. It just sucks all around.

[Unrigged64072835]

Ugh.

Only had five hours of sleep and been busy with housework all morning. Hopefully I’ll calm down enough to take a nap this afternoon.

Foot is doing better. I’m only having a little pain when I’m moving around. Just have to go slow right now.

Otherwise life is lifing along.

Love to all of you!

I just returned from church.

mostly okay, though some small babies (and I mean really small) spent a lot of the service running about, crying, and generally screaming (which begs the question why allow babies in a church?)
I sat their for as long as I could, but then started to feel a panic attack coming on so took a taxi home.

[251turnaround]

I'm getting paranoid again and it's not good. I think I'm doing this to myself. Intrusive suicidal thoughts most days, nightmares most nights, it's not fun at all. I don't even think I'm in a mood episode right now, maybe I am but I just can't tell. My parents keep asking me if I'm okay, I say yes but deep down I know I'm not.

I'm a passenger on this roller coaster and I'm about to hit the drop.

[wildflowerchild25]

So I called my psychiatrist office three times in the past three weeks to get them to fix a prescription mistake they made with my haldol. My pdoc only gave me 5mg once a day for 90 days instead of 5mg twice a day for 90days so I only had enough for 45 days. Well now I’m out! Or I will be on Monday. I stretched it by only taking 5mg last night, tonight, and tomorrow night but Monday I’ll be completely out. It helps my mood as well so today I’m a little down in the dumps. I’m so mad. How hard is it to relay a message to the psychiatrist? I don’t have her direct number because she’s only there two or three days a week so she doesn’t have a set office with an extension. It’s ridiculous that the staff is so incompetent that I can’t even get a simple prescription mistake fixed. So tomorrow I’m going to physically go there after work and raise hell. I’m not leaving without them falling in the script right then and there. I’m pretty sure my pdoc is in on Monday’s so she should be able to do it. ****ing people.

So on Wednesday I bought a pack of cigarettes because I screwed up my major project in the one class. But I didn’t buy another after that even though I really wanted to. So that’s progress. I ended up revising my assignment and I still got a pretty ****** grade but thankfully I had done so well in the class prior to that I still ended with a B. Not what I wanted but whatever.

I applied for a teaching job at a private school for kids with emotional problems, much like the school I worked at before but hopefully not as intense. I don’t know if they’ll even call for an interview since I don’t have my special ed certificate but the ad didn’t specify that I needed it which is why I applied. So fingers crossed. I would really like to get back into teaching and I would love to work with emotional disturbed (technical term) students.

A couple more disturbing dreams but not to the level that I have been having. So I hope they start to slow down.

Hope everyone has an ok Sunday and a good start to the week.

[Blue_Bird]

I'm extremely anxious about going to mass later, on the verge of panic. There are some other things going on I need to take care of that are causing me a lot of anxiety as well. It feels like it's building up

[Wander]

Thanks for the replies and hugs. My pdoc didn’t come in yesterday so he will see me later today (Monday) . I’m hardly sleeping so I hope he can help me with that. I am slowly learning to take Seroquel PRN as it temporarily calms me but I hate the side effects, especially the weight gain. Taking all meds creates a battle in my mind. For some reason I now don’t want to take any of my meds. I’m not sure why. It’s likr self sabotage.

I so confused.

[Nammu]

Had a cousin's picnic today. It was nice to see so many cousins. It's been decades since I've seen some of them. Mum was ready to leave at 2 because of the heat so I didn't talk to everyone. Gonna have another cousin picnic in two years, my aunt is hosting it this time. Very, very hot but otherwise very successful.

[Dysphoria]

I am at the lowest point in my life. I don't even know what to do anymore. I haven't worked in many years, have no prospects, am alone, and have almost no one. My mind is filled with constant thoughts of failure, how terrible of a person I am, how much of a burden I am to the few remaining family members still alive, etc. I can't get these thoughts out of my head and I feel like life is pointless.

It's so painful. I don't know how much longer I can deal with this mental torment. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I feel like God is punishing me for a reason I can't understand; I feel like I am radioactive and everyone I meet hates me and everything I touch turns to ****. I never leave the house and I am constantly reminding myself how I have wasted over a decade of my best years as a hermit.

I have never married, have no kids and this bothers me. I see everyone else in fulfilling relationships and wonder why that can't be me. I see other people working, making money, living independently and I wonder why I can't do the same. i am not a stupid person and I am a fairly attractive. Why I am such a failure illudes me.

I know I should not worry about the past as it cannot be changed, but I just cannot, or at least I will need help doing so.

[Wild Coyote]

Hi Dysphoria,

Again, welcome to PC.

I am sorry you are feeling so down.

I. too, find it tough to not lament the past. I do realize that the most important part of our lives, the part we can do something about, is today, each and every day.

Do you see a doctor and/or a therapist?
Do you take meds? If so, might you need a med adjustment?

You'd mentioned living alone. Do you have friends, neighbors, any close family?
Do you attend a church, a social group/center or other supportive group involvement?

Yes, it sounds like you are very depressed and I am concerned about you.

What helps when you are feeling so alone and so hopeless?

Unfortunately, we can only give a certain amount and type of support here. We'll do our best to support you.

Should you:
- feel far too depressed,
- if you cannot care for yourself,
- and/or you are thinking of harming yourself or others, please do go to your local emergency room.

I'm glad you are here and have joined in with us, telling us more about yourself.
I hope to see you around PC.

[Blue_Bird]

Mass went very well. I'm glad I faced my anxiety, getting better at doing that

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Nammu

Had a cousin's picnic today. It was nice to see so many cousins. It's been decades since I've seen some of them. Mum was ready to leave at 2 because of the heat so I didn't talk to everyone. Gonna have another cousin picnic in two years, my aunt is hosting it this time. Very, very hot but otherwise very successful.

I am glad you've enjoyed yourself!
My family has an annual reunion on both maternal and paternal sides. It can be fun.

Unfortunately, these events tend to occur in July and I am often "toast" in July.
I try to attend anyway. I have several cousins I enjoy seeing!

Thanks so much for sharing, Nammu!