Bipolar check in #37

There's plenty of Renaissance music with words! Try madrigals. Or drinking songs by Purcell.

I don't like the ones with words the music alone is more soothing

Hi Moose,
I can relate. I used to get so nervous when paperwork was both complex and due! I used to have to do alot of work, looking for records, etc. I used to get so incredibly anxious and scared.

In time, I'd eventually realized I could find the necessary credentials/records quickly and with great ease..

You do write about becoming overwhelmed when you are facing an annual review. Yet, you have always done just fine!

Maybe consider changing your internal story? When suddenly becoming anxious and overwhelmed, talk to yourself about what a thorough job you had done last year! Somehow substituting the anxiety and the dread for something more reasonable?

You have always gotten your work done on time.. I'll bet you do a very thorough job, too!

You'll be just fine!

Saw my sister yesterday. She could tell I wasn’t good. I explained I’m trying to come off Lithium and am now in a sort of mixed state. She was worried about me being alone since our parents are away and I’m not getting along with my partner. I promised I would be safe alone and that I would go out with her and the kids today. I’m lucky to have such a supportive sister.

Yesterday was hell. The symptoms are just getting worse. Hopefully today will be better. I’m off for a walk along the beach then a drive with my sister and kids at 10 am. I will just have to take meds with me just in case.

Thank you so much. your words made me tear up. I agree. lots of the worlds problems could be solved by doing what you said. I teared up because I have immense trouble loving myself. I struggle with this very topic in therapy. It's not easy for me. Thank you again for the compliment. I appreciate it.

I understand what you are saying about some music, But,I cant deprive myself from the music I know. It's complicated. I will instead make it a point to try to add more positive uplifting music to my posts. It will take a little doing, but I think I can manage that. I like those songs you mentioned. I will have to add them to a playlist so that they get a chance to grow on me.
Now, I will give you a song, "Get up" by Shinedown.
(I LOVE Shinedown)

Thanks Fern.
I really needed this today.

I love Shinedown! I'll give this a listen. Thanks so much

And I hear you about going back to music. I'm usually all for reconnecting. I'm just trying to avoid triggering my crazy brain. I was tripping out on music lyrics when I got sick. I'm fearful I will set off some sort of chain reaction. Its really unfounded fear, but lots of fears are irrational.

Loving yourself is sometimes the hardest work, but it pays for itself over and over if you can make the investment.

Edited to add one last song for the night... Blackbird by the Beatles.

(((((( BirdDancer ))))))

Much Love to You tonight

It's wonderful you have such a loving family. I am sure the love is mutual.
Truly something to celebrate!

Looking forward to tomorrow.

Migraine day 2. I haven't had one like this in a long time. If it starts on the left side it is always going to be worse for me. This is a left side one. I need to sleep tonight as I have church in the morning and a church class in the evening. I need to stay awake another 45 minutes. Good times...but maybe the migraine will go away completely tomorrow without flaring up worse in the evening as it did today.

What is happening tomorrow?
bizi

I dyed my hair yesterday. It's been the same color for years, so people are going to be really surprised! I felt desperate for a change, so it feels different, but good. I went to a brewery today. It was a decent day, given that I've been really depressed lately. But I am still feeling the depression and have been trying to escape. I still feel trapped in life.
Hugs to all.

I went to the gelato store. All the gelato is made on the premises. The gelato maker was trained by a chef in Italy. They use ingredients imported from that country too. It is the best that I have ever tasted. The rich chocolate! The pistachio! Amazing. So I had my drug for the day. Maybe I will have some more tomorrow.

I am in bad financial shape. I can barely afford my loan payments. So why am I spending money on Gelato? I do not know. Depression has been bad. Spending money like this sometimes helps. My friend may hire me this upcoming week. This waiting has been going on for over a year. It either will or will not happen this week. Otherwise, I will need to find a part time job. No body wants to hire me for some reason. I get myself into allot of debt. I finally figure out a way to make it much more manageable. Now here I am again. I think I now owe more than some houses are worth, The endless circles that I am trapped in. I want off of this ride!

My daughter is now living her own life, only talks to me when she needs something. Ignores my messages. My mothers passing close to two years ago is hitting me again recently. I think I have been wanting to get back with my daughter's mother, which would be a very bad idea, I finally realized back a while ago how emotionally attached I have been to her. Now I have changed all that. As a consequence, this is now the first time I have every felt very lonely. At least now I have a dog to take care of. It looks forward to me coming home, jumping all over me when I get in the door, Despite a big breaking in period for it, like getting it to go outside instead of in my home, this dog is priceless. She is a puppy that keeps me busy managing her, I see strong evidence that she has been abused in the past, I have to be careful how I express myself to her and treat her,

At 1:00 in the morning, I met this lady in front of the gas station store, Circle K. She is Bipolar, and off of her meds, So a productive conversation was not possible in her current state of mind, It is not like I want to date her, but a possible friend who may understand? This is possible, So who knows? I am a bit nervous over this, taking it all much too seriously. I have not been out on a date for about 20 years, So I think I will go really slow, still WAY out of my comfort zone.

Fending off hypomania. Currently (surprisingly) not doing anything detrimental to my life. And last night I got a good 7 hours of sleep which I'm super excited about. (I've had several weeks of waking up at 1am or 3am and having trouble getting back to sleep) Thanks for being here guys.

glad the weekend is almost over.

it's been so boring

litirally nothing happening

It's a totally new day!

I hope you have gotten some
I have been having migraines lately, too. Very frustrating!
I hope you have cleared up and can get on with your day!

RS and my son and I went on a mini road trip to the shore last night for our favorite bbq place. It was very good. I had shredded bbq chicken with no bun and about half my tater tots, keeping the carbs down. It was nice driving for awhile with the windows down, listening to music and holding RS’s hand. It really lifted my mood for awhile. I am back to feeling ****** this morning after having nightmares about work but I am going to see my grandparents today insteAd of moping at home so that’s good. I hope I feel better after that.

I am so sick with anxiet about going back on Tuesday. I hope I calm down. I don’t want to show up a huge mess. I wish I could make this work. The money is good. But I don’t think money is worth sacrificing my mental health.

I still want to hurt myself. I promised RS I wouldn’t though. If I do I know it’ll be bad enough to need medical attention and then I will be hospitalized. That’s no good.

I still need to focus on doing what my T Told me to do. It’s very hard. I didn’t do so well with it last week. I’m going to try my hardest this week.

Well, I called my father who is again in the hospital. As I feared, I started to yell at him because he continues to lie, lie, lie, and act like a juvenile, and say that he's going to repeat the same insanity again. In the end, I told him that I cannot call him again or visit him until he is out of the hospital and sober, and seeking intensive psychiatric and addictions support. I did apologize for yelling at him, but told him that we cannot accept his continued behavior. I asked him why all of this upsets my siblings and I so much. He said "Because you love me." Well, of course!

I called my brother afterwards, and then my sister, and told them that I will not be calling or visiting our dad at the hospital. I've got to say I feel intensely bad for my brother. I told my brother that, but that I need to take care of my own mental well being. I thanked him profusely for what he's been doing and reminded him that he can come to my house any time, as much as he wants, and I will do my best to support HIM (my brother). I reminded him that my sister would surely do the same. My brother has gotten intensely upset, too, and has likely yelled at and lectured my father even beyond what I have. My sister is much more level tempered. I did ask if my sister could find a way to talk to our dad's doctors. Right now, neither she nor I have the permission. She knows better what questions to ask them, compared to my brother. Unfortunately, my sister has had to deal with both an alcoholic (my b-i-l) and a very mentally unwell son, who tragically took his own life because of bipolar depression. The latter event will always be a severe wound in the hearts and minds of us all.

It is intensely difficult to see a parent slowly killing themselves. My siblings and I don't know how much longer our father can keep this up. He's in his late 70s and looks extremely unwell, has more difficulty walking, and many other scary signs. I've written this before, but I want something to happen differently.

@BirdDancer I am sorry you are going thru this with your father. You sound like you are at your limit with the situation. Good job looking after your own mental health.
(((((HUGS)))))))
bizi

Congrats on taking great care of yourself!!!
I hope you continue to be offered choices as your mood shifts!!

BirdDancer, I am so sorry, this must be heartbreaking to watch your father go through this. I really do hope something will go different, but it makes sense that you must set boundaries if it's hurting you.

For several years, my direct neighbor and I were close friends. She was a hair stylist. We used to fool around with color and with styles. We had gotten quite brave with it all. Lol!

We had a lot of fun!!!

I hope you enJOY your new color!!!

It is great to hear from you!

Do you ever make weekend plans on your own or with others?
I would think there might be others around you who might enJOY doing something together?

I am sorry you are still going through so much.

I am wondering if you have tried taking some time before going to sleep at night to tell yourself a very different version of a dream you would rather encounter (than the unpleasant nightmares)?

I don't recall if you this has been mentioned to you before?

I would write out the drearm if I had the time to do so.
I have read some people have had great luck in re-writing their dreams in this way.

I hope you will continue to refrain from harming yourself. I know you can do it!!! Do you use any substitute behaviors in place of harming yourself?

Keep on taking all of this one step at a time. I know it is very challenging for you. I have watched you overcome a lot. I fully believe you can continue creating victories for yourself and for your family.

I believe in YOU!