Bipolar Check-In #38

Not the greatest day... nothing specific , just tail end of prednisone slapped me down a bit I’m thinking.

Otherwise I went about my day normally, ran a couple loads of wash, I’m a bit weird I wash my sheets every 2 days. I just love fresh sheets.

Made a nice chicken Caesar salad for dinner , much lighter meal than last nights.

I’m so grateful I see my T tomorrow. I went weekly for 7 years. But financially I had to go bi weekly now which at times is difficult. I need to talk out a couple things about self worth and self loathing that beast seems to be trying to break into my mind again.

Hope everyone has a good evening and is able to find good sleep tonight

You're making me want to wash my sheets. Its been over a week, so yeah....I love having a shower and then putting on comfy pjs and getting into a freshly cleaned bed!

I hope your T knows what a great person you are to me and ALL of us here! If that doesn't scream self worth I dunno what does. You certainly are appreciated!

How many more days of prednisone do you have? I bought some generic zyrtec today. Ive been sneezing a lot and my eyes are crusty. I have taken one for the last 3 or so days so I feel better.

I'm gonna be up reading with "Bewitched" the movie on in the background. I hope you sleep well.

Awww J ....thanks so much for such kind words I do hope my advice can help someone if even a little. It’s also really helpful for myself , if I’m thinking about someone else I’m not just stuck thinking about myself.. I do worry sometimes that I can be too blunt I try really hard to be mindful and reread my posts before I hit reply.

I have 2 days left then half life nonsense I should be totally fine by Monday at the latest.

Thanks again for such kind words , you have put a big smile on my face tonight

s to those that need or want one.

Thanks Wild Coyote very wise words.
I struggled- but made it happen, it's difficult sometimes though. I am glad I didn't drive especially one or two days... I kept having issues with so many thoughts.

My friend says it's been about a month or *month and *a half that I've been off a bit again... I'm always like "it's been like two weeks.. right?" Time eludes me a lot... creeping into swings ((if that's what these are)) eludes me as well.

The brain mapping was a side mission, that I started in full-- then forgot for a second. It has been on the back burner, so to speak. I wanted to shop around after seeing the prices from one place... but also wanted to obtain information that would be needed in the mean time.

The therapist meeting last week,was on a separate mission -- I felt like I dearly needed to check in with someone, and I hope that I will be able to stick with this t ((because I tend to leave therapy for one reason or another)).

Had started to shop around for a therapist again, and had been looking at psychiatrists...

I had been in therapy earlier this year with another, and he mentioned something that made me feel he wasn't really listening to me... so I left his services. He also told me the first few meetings with him, that I had too many diagnosis from previous doctors and I probably wasn't any of them.

I don't mean to be difficult but... I am
And it seems the more I am on this crazy train- a lot is opinion and --in truth, it seems like therapy should be an individual connect and journey.
--
I am back home today from the trip, had and am grateful for it.. even if I know I could had planned and done more if I hadn't been so stressed out.

The biggest thing was I wanted to see nature and did, so that's what counts
also I am very grateful that on a train ride we took, the lady let us change seats after the ride started because I felt so close to everyone that I needed space.

I probably drank too much on the trip, but it helped with taking an edge off.
Found out my fit bit will say I am sleeping when I am not ((I knew it could be off sometimes but we saw a movie while on the trip, it said I slept during the movie lol))... too bad on that bit it's ok.. I just have so much issues logging anything but have been trying better.

I've had some anxiety still like at the grocery store when we got back, .. some anxiety with thinking of work but it will be ok.. I remind myself I will probably enjoy to tell some about my trip

Do you take antidepressants? Maybe time for an adjustment? Sorry that you are struggling. Hope your appointment goes well and that he helps you.
((((((HUGS)))))))
bizi
edited to add.....THAT OF COURSE YOU ARE HELPFUL, never doubt that!!!!!

I saw my pdoc yesterday so spent today being tired. I did go back and forth to my mom's to work on supper and made cornbread to go with our soup beans but that's it. I love my pdoc but 5 plus hours of driving montly is hard. Last night I missed my exit and took another way home. It only added a few minutes but it wasn't good.

My pdoc is worried about my anxiety score going up the last few months. She offered to let me go back up to my former dose of klonopin but I really don't want to go backwards, especially since something stressful has entered my life and it may be a while before I can go down again. Ultimately we decided to try making 200/400 mg of PRN gabapentin to routine and I'll take it at supper time. I'm just waiting to get to a few free days to start that.

Otherwise things have just been calm and restful which is what I need after those visits. I ordered a winter coat that I badly needed. Last year I bought a winter coat but the zipper broke nearly immediately and I returned it but never found anything I liked to replace it. Hopefully this one will be good. My old one is many years old and doesn't fit well anymore along with looking ratty.

I'm beginning to be anxious about my colonoscopy/endoscopy. I am not worried about the procedures but that they may find something. I assume they suspect something or they wouldn't do the scopes. Or they suspect some parasite that will show up on biopsy? It's hard because a loved one has just been diagnosed with cancer and so I'm hyper-alert.

My mom made arrangements to go see my nieces Thursday and I've been ridiculously upset since I realized I have a vet appointment for my cat and Bible study that night and can't go. I miss my nieces. But there is a plan for them to be up next week I think.

I'm getting tired. I hope I sleep like I did last night--just one awake time and it was only 45 minutes or so.

Good night to all and sleep well to all who need it!

Thanks so much for your kind words

I have been med free since April. In general I feel I have been doing well. Of course the Florida trip was a really hard time.. but these trips are always tough whether I am on meds or not... these trips have taken place for 15 years now, and will continue as our kids live in Florida.

It’s situational really, so I think more of my needing to be more effective with using coping skills. I’m sure this long drawn out Asthma flare and subsequent need for prednisone could be the problem.

It’s always something isn’t it ?? lol I have to laugh about it sometimes.

You have had so much going on for months now, I don’t blame you for not wanting to take a step back on your taper off benzo. I think scheduled Gabapentin is a wise choice.

Honestly having those tests would make me worry the same. But in general that is just a typical test that most people having GI problems are just automatically going to need. At least once they are done you will get some answers and whatever treatment needed to get you fully back on your feet and healthy again.

I really need to get a new winter coat, my old one is fine it’s just a bit to snug, my own fault of course.

I’m sorry you missing time with your nieces. It’s wonderful that you have committed to continue your bible study group .. hope the vet visit is good news.

Hope you sleep well

BeyondTheRainbow, Thinking of you, hoping things get easier! Love and prayers!

I hope you heal more and more everyday!

I am sure you will continue to *SHINE*!!!

Yesterday I went for a swim, the first in months, and found out I really need to quit smoking. I was struggling to breath five minutes in. I could be a little unconditioned too. I took up smoking spontaneously about six months ago. It was a desperate way to try to cope with the PTSD. Still, the ocean was refreshing, and calming. Later I spent some quality time with my parents. I treasure these times more now I finally realise that they won't be around forever.

Today I saw my T then visited my partner. My T thinks I am improving which is encouraging. I haven't had a serious bipolar episode since February, but the PTSD has been bad. Right now I still feel shattered in pieces on the floor. A vulnerable place to be. When I meditate I become aware of a deep emotional pain that remains constant inside of me though I am unaware of it at most times. My T asked how long I thought it would take for me to feel strong enough to get a job. I don't know. Now is hiring time. I need a few more months. Should I force myself to work and risk making myself sick again? Money does help. All I know is I am not ready to decide on returning to work. I'm just not functioning on that level right now. But, dammit, I will get back to earning money soon.

I was hearing the mice again last night, but I didn't try the diffuser because I forgot and fell asleep. Then I was too lazy to set it up.

I think the mice stopped around 2:30am. I woke up at 10pm, 12:30am, 1am, 2:30am, 3:30am, and 4:20am. Just kept waking up because I was anxious about the mice breaking in!!

I still need to finish cleaning, but I've been worn out and doing A LOT of work. Ugh... At least now I have the supplies for putting things away. I've just gotta do it. I need to push through it and get it done, little by little.

About 12 hrs...

As I mentioned in another post, I cancelled my volunteering for today. Just today, to give myself a little stress break. Plus, I see my psychiatrist in the afternoon. I dislike seeing him after a stressful morning. I'm already excited. Everyone I know well knows that seeing my psychiatrist is among my very favorite things to do. My husband has totally known this since I even met my psychiatrist over 13 years ago. Yes, I definitely have a major transference going on. My psychiatrist totally knows this, too. I don't care! I even joke about it -- even with my psychiatrist. It doesn't affect my treatment negatively. I guess if it did, I would need to switch.

So today is another dreary day, but felt pretty good yesterday with no indigestion or heartburn at all. So far so good on that front, too. I am still sleeping a lot, having trouble getting up, but after breakfast I have decent energy. I am going to ask my psychiatrist to lower my Seroquel XR by 50 mg. A small reduction.

Yesterday my husband suddenly developed a major toothache. Our dentist was able to fit him in within hours. His tooth has to go. The dentist referred him to an oral surgeon for the extraction and tooth replacement. The bill will be about $5,000!!!!!!!!! Hubby and I talked about maybe just him having the extraction. It is a tooth that may not be that visible missing. The extraction should only cost a few hundred dollars. I told him that maybe he could wait until we move to France. Apparently such a procedure only costs about $2,500 there. Less than $2,000 in Czech Republic, where my husband is from.

Yesterday I put on music in my living room and must have danced for at least 45 minutes. It felt wonderful! I do realize that I miss that passion.

Struggling to get up in the morning taking me 2 hours to surface from the sofa yes I'm still sleeping on my sofa. Once up just feel exhausted I ache all over.

I've been out 3 days in a row which I guess is a positive. However the girl I was out with today says I'm not accepting that I'm depressed. She says I'm depressed and that I'm thinking of getting a job but I can't just yet as I can't look after myself. I still sleeping on the sofa. I agree I'm not doing great but maybe I could get a job maybe it would be the making of me?

She knows a lot of things about me and says I'm hiding a lot and that I'm needing help. She says I need to open up and accept people want to help. She was saying nice things to me and tbh I felt I didn't deserve it at all. I mean why do people care.... I'm a nobody

Day started wrong. Way down and depressed and never picked up. Finally, gave up and went back to bed. Have not done that in forever. I feel better after getting up again, but am of course nervous. I hope today goes all right.

You're definitely a somebody or I've been talking to thin air all this time I think most people care because they wish the same for themselves. You'd help out a friend if the tables were turned, right?

I want to remind you that when you are manic you get very frustrated with people and feel they are abandoning you. Here you have a friend reaching out with what seems like genuine compassion and you're pushing it away. You are now the same person you were when you were manic even though a different aspect of you is at the forefront. You deserved a friend then and you deserve one now.

I think your friend is trying to offer you a hand. Please consider listening to what she has to say and take her hand. She seems to have good intentions and perhaps some insight you could use at the moment.

Yeah I would help a friend out...


I just feel like I don't deserve people or people being nice to me other than my family as we that's a given. They have been there all my life. My friends half if that of my life. I worry I'm going to hurt people. Become a burden on them. Be a royal pain in their butts. I'm not the best at this depression malarchy.

I don't like it as my friend is talking to my old boss at my volunteering about me. Apparently my 2 ex bosses are concerned about me as when I spoke to them it was alarming. Tbh I can't remember what I actually spoke about that meeting has for some reason been erased from my mind. I remember meeting my boss but I don't remember what I said to her.
My friend wants me to volunteer again at that organisation my bosses are from has been going on about it for a week. I'm constantly saying no. But she's on at me. I did 5 years there and in different roles.

My friend also has bipolar so I go through depressive spells with her as she has type 2 where as I'm type 1. But for some reason this depressive spell in me is different. I'm starting to feel like life isn't working out for me and hurting myself is the only way out. Which I know is frowned upon.

HI there, Laura!

What is going on? Lol!

Someone wants to be your friend and you are playing "hard to get?"

Play "hard to get" with the guys!

Be friendly with the women who like you and want to support you!

Fern has made some great observations! I hope you can fully hear what Fern is saying!?

So, other than feeling like you are "nobody," what about starting friendships is scary or difficult for you?

I'll go first. I am often concerned I might let my new friend down.

How about you, Laura? What concerns do you have about forming new friendships?

I hope you will find a way to let your friend be a part of your life!

Much Love, Miss Laura!

Still low today but I wouldn’t expect a med change to work immediately. I had off with my son for Yom Kippur so it was a lazy day. I wanted to go to the grocery store to get ingredients for potato soup as it is a perfect soup day but I couldn’t bring myself to. And I couldn’t imagine having the energy to make it. So oh well. I went back to bed around 2pm for acouple of hours. I wish I could stay there the rest of the night. But I can’t.

Trying to be present tonight.

I have been thinking of you an have been hoping to find the time to write to you. After reading this post, I just have to write!

I hope you are as well as possible.
I laughed with JOY as I read of your dancing!!!

Thanks for mentioning passion! Passion is important in my eyes. We can spend months, years, even decades without much, if any, passion. Some of the difficulty might be with illness, with meds, with pain and/or out of habit.

Some of mine has been habit. I have more recently become aware of the importance of passion in my life when I'd had experienced just a spark of it. I hope to cultivate much more. That spark was wonderful and I felt full of life, full of gratitude, on top of the world.

Thanks again for sharing and for mentioning a word we do not see often in a mood -related forum: PASSION!

What is going on? Lol!.... I really wish I knew!

Fern has made some great observations! I hope you can fully hear what Fern is saying!?.... I hear what Fern is saying I think it's just hard

How about you, Laura? What concerns do you have about forming new friendships?.... I'm not going to be liked, I'm not who they thought I was, I'm just not friend material, I'm a dork

I hate myself at the moment and I can't get through it. I'm sorry guys

Love that dancing emoji! And your marvelousness, my friend

We do need strong positive feelings and emotions to run through us as often as possible. I try my best to laugh as much as I can. If I can't have a big pleasure, I try to rack up as many mini ones as possible. Today was a lovely day! I hope everyone here has some loveliness to experience. Sometimes we really have to seek it out. Sometimes it's right in front of our eyes, but we have to work to see it. Feel it. Hear it. Touch it. Smell it. Breathe it...

My pdoc of 17-20 years will gladly take me back if I go back to traditional Medicare. I’ve really thought hard about this and just can’t do that. The supplement I chose is just better all around and I’m afraid to mess with insurance matters. I will write him a letter telling him how much I appreciate him and what he means to me and probably get him a gift as well. I’m not as wowed by my NP but since he supervises her all is not lost. I see her again in December.

On a side note: I wear flip flops pretty much year round and feel it is my duty to have presentable feet. I go to an inexpensive training college about ten miles away in heavy traffic. I went today...got home and promptly dropped my purse on my big toe. Cue having to call and explain...go back and so on. It wasn’t allotted for in my plans. Maybe that’s a sign not to create such a tight schedule.

I’m feeling better. I’ve been forced up and out of the house the past several days due to family needs and obligations and I think that has helped. Maybe a couple of bad days was all it was in the end.

Warm wishes to all for a peaceful rest of your week and hugs to those that are struggling.

I was thinking about a way I sometimes deal with extreme psychological pain/distress. I know it's not everyone's method. I know that I am not always capable of succeeding with it, but...I often can. It's all about getting "it out". Purging one's system of the really bad stuff. Even if my situation may not be completely changed afterwards, my perspective on it can be, to a degree. Or the purging of it brings some temporary relief that is much needed. Here's a great quote by an extremely funny lady, most all of us know:

"Laugh. Laugh as much as you can. Laugh until you cry. Cry until you laugh. Keep doing it even if people are passing you on the street saying, 'I can't tell if that person is laughing or crying, but either way they seem crazy, let's walk faster.' Emote. It's okay. It shows you are thinking and feeling." - Ellen DeGeneres

I think a while ago, I posted the content of one of my past blog posts here. It included a couple stories, that at least I found quite funny. I won't post it again, but I'll post the title. It was called "So extremely bad...that's it's amazing!" I guess I thought that perhaps that title (and the subsequent story) has some relation to the quote that Ellen DeGeneres gave us above. The story and the blog's photo featured a most angry looking chicken. Chicken. Gotta love chicken!

Today at my psychiatrist's office, he used the idiom stating that I should "chew my cud" on something. Jokingly, and with exaggerated expression, I said to him "Now, I KNOW you don't actually think I'm a COW!?!?!"

"What's so wrong about cows?!?!" he said.

Really, there is nothing wrong about cows at all. They're nice enough animals, but the mental picture of me looking like a cow chewing my cud couldn't escape my mind.

The truth is, taking a thought (even a really bad or sad one) and chewing it up...processing it...maybe eventually getting something out of it, or not...and then eventually s***ing it out...is good advice.