Bipolar Check-In #38

I hope you know I am trying to be playful?
I am glad you have posted!

Miss Laura, I also often fear I won't be liked once someone really gets to know me, too.

I think this is a common concern.

Some people think I am a dork, a geek, and ... worse! While I might wish they understood me better, I cannot let them rent space in my head. I need to be with the people who accept me and want to spend time with me.

You, too!

We are all human and we are meant to have companions/friends in life.

You don't deserve to be all alone, without companionship, without support, etc.

Do you realize that many of us have some concerns/fear that we won't be liked, or that we will disappoint others, or that we will not know how to relate to new friends, etc. ???

Your concerns are very real; yet, they are not unique. Many of us have the same concerns!

Is there a way to begin a friendship that might be safe enough for you to give it a try?

I hope so because I want to take you to lunch!
I would want to if I lived near you!

I'm a huge dork. It is one of my best qualities

I feel rundown today. Dont know why. It's 70 degrees out but i had to put the heat on in the car and put on a sweatshirt when I got home.

One more story, then I promise I'll be done for the day.

Maybe a couple years back, the actor Bradley Cooper was a guest on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert. Somewhere in the conversation, Cooper brought up the actor Christopher Walken. Christopher Walken is a very popularly imitated guy, and a bit of a unique character. So Bradley was saying that he worked on some movie with Walken. At a point, he looked at Walken and Walken was looking him straight in the eye. Then Walken exclaimed, loudly, "PINEAPPLE! I LOVE PINEAPPLE!!!" And that was it.

Well I finish my Mirapex today.

My doctor has to call in a refill of my prescription tomorrow and my pharmacy has to fill it for me not to miss a dose.

I hope it works out.

If things don't work out I'll have to wait until next Tuesday because my pdoc is in only two times a week.

It has been really busy at work and I'm getting stressed. I hardly have time for lunch and have missed my lunchtime walk.

It's not affecting my mood though, so that's good. I'm not feeling any better yet but the way I look at it, things aren't getting worse.

Fantastic !!!!

I’m glad you held off on volunteer work today.

Hey! As long as you and your Pdoc are able to work well then there isn’t a problem

Oh no dental emergency’s its freaking robbery what any kind of dental work costs!! I had to get 2 crowns about 3 years ago , front teeth of course ! I had no choice but to take a loan and still paying on it forever.

I hope you and your husband can come up with the best path to take over this tooth.

I hope the decrease in Seroquil helps quickly

Not feeling like you ” deserve” help is just Depression telling you lies.

Maybe a part time job would help you have a routine , help keep the days from just bleeding into another.

Let this person talk , listen and remind yourself she is only telling you things because she cares.

Hopefully your feeling better this evening

Just picking up n3 from his gf's house. Ive been lazy today but I did get some things out in the world done. Im basically done with the paperwork from hell. I still cant print that form so i got what it replaced from last year and filled it out. I hope that's good enough.

Thank you for the support and reassurances. I'll just be glad to have the tests done. From what I've read it sounds like they do this when they don't have an answer for traveler's diarrhea lasting more than a few weeks. I'm at over 3 months so it's time.

I managed to work things out so I can see my nieces tomorrow. Bible study is going to be a different night than originally planned and I moved the vet visit. You know you go too often when they say "Oh, Charlie, she'll know what is wrong with him so we'll give you this little slide-in appointment". Now we just have to get to the vet; he's sounding wheezy tonight. If he had earlier I would have taken him in but it just started. I guess he's getting some albuterol tonight.

Thank you! I hope things are better soon. I hate sounding like I'm complaining all the time and I feel like I've done nothing but for months now. I'm sorry for that.

N3 asked me why I live day to day and have no goals! I said "You need a job! And to practice the piano..." I guess my life sucks.

I’m glad you’re able to move some things around that lets you spend time with your nieces and Charlie stuff.

I’m certain they will figure the cause of this long drawn out illness.. you need to get back into good health again.

How are you doing today Moose?

Kids can be such jerks. You do have goals, you maintain a home that HE LIVES IN. You pay bills, you buy groceries... you stay on top of your health, both mentally and physically and it’s hard work to keep things from crashing to the ground.

Tell that lil boy he is who needs to start making plans and goals because he will soon be on his own and need to make his own life work out.

Damn brats these days!

Visited family this past weekend and it was rough to see my grandmother so unhappy and feeling so miserable in the nursing home. Last night when I went to bed I just thought of her being alone in the nursing home and it made me cry. The trip itself took a lot out of me between the busy airports/flight anxiety, lack of sleep and running around, but I am glad I went. Now I am paying for it, though, and feeling very jittery, distracted, anxious, at work and having a lot of negative thoughts towards myself. I guess this is my new norm, any small thing will set me off and I'll feel terrible afterwards haha. Trying to stay positive anyways.
I am behind on everything, but hope everyone is doing well.

I had a rough morning and dissociated really bad. The PHP T couldn't get ahold of me when I didn't show up to group and with me feeling sui from the stress of the stalker crap, he called for a welfare check... So I was coming back from dissociation trying to convince a cop I'm okay and answer questions and make sense, the whole nine yards.

Well today has been troublesome.

I know the prednisone has been a factor in my not feeling “ all so solid “ but it’s not all.

Yes my husband and I had a great talk so a lot of weight has been lifted. This time of the year is always tricky Bipolar wise, 80% of my IP stays are in the Fall/winter.. I’m doing all the selfcare possible.

We have a court date next week ( my husband thought it was tomorrow, I’m glad I studied the summons more closely) anyway it’s about a hospital bill in a time when he had zero insurance or job. , Medicaid is not expanded in our state so no help anywhere. We were surviving off my SSDI.. The hospital would only break the bill down to 3 or 4 monthly payments. So almost 400.00 a month Payment ?? Totally impossible.

So my husband is furious ,frantic and ranting off and on since we got this 6-8 weeks ago.

There’s just no blood in the stone to find.

Saw my T today and I really needed it. I’m feeling disconnected to things a lot.. not disassociate, just some disconnect. We discussed possibilities , I know one struggle is that I’m always on high alert looking for any sign my husband could be getting sick, he admits he just hasn’t caught it early like I can.. so it does fall onto me to be hyper vigilant.

As I was trying to describe this disconnected feeling , Richard said he can understand that feel as he has noticed that “ feeling” occasionally in the last 6 months or so.

He’s 72 so he knows that things will change and he will need to decide when to make changes( meaning his stopping his life’s work he’s cut back to 3 days a week this past year) We have been together for 8 years so his age has always been apart of our relationship. So we kinda just sat with it for a while, both lost in thought.

I do know that when he does decide to stop working he will let me know right away so honestly we can both process that our work together is coming to an end. This could be in 5 months 8 months or a year. There’s no definite idea.

I do worry about my life after Richard... I truly will not see another T.. I’m not going to regurgitate my life to bring someone up to speed. I tried it and it caused more harm than good.

My husband is very worried about my not having Richard. I know initially he thought I was going to divorce him and run off with Richard and I was like hysterical with that thought and quickly was a Ewwwww are you freaking crazy??? He finally realized that Richard and I are just very close, close because of mutual respect, he has helped me wade through a childhood full of csa, multiple rapes and assaults , so heavy stuff. Things I never told another person. I’d never want to tell my husband about the many horrors, he would feel so much anger and no way to help me.

I guess I’m just trying to vaguely imagine how my life will change when that Wednesday @300pm safe place where I just can totally unload my head won’t be there. He’s always been there for me, I love his messy dusty office , it smells like a dusty ole bookstore it’s one of my favorite smells , dim lighting, him wearing goofy ties his grandkids give him. It’s going to be a huge loss, I have learned so much about myself and by continuing my life using skills I have learned from him will be the only fitting thing and how to honor him and cherish years together

So yeah I’m kinda stuck in my head

Anyway thanks for reading my ramble

I’m sorry your in Such pain, it’s understandable. I have worked in nursing homes and it’s so hard on the patient having to accept being there and family coming that are so very sad for them. I’m sure she loved seeing you. Maybe you could start calling her often or send a card or a letter , something she could look forward too ?? Would probably help you also.

Be kind to yourself

I’m sorry today was such a struggle. I hope tomorrow is a easier day for you

Thanks, me too

@~Christina

These 2 sentences speak volumes.

I am so glad that you have a husband to help you stay sane.I am glad that you feel better.
You are being proactive in self care....do you have SAD, seasonal effective disorder? Do you use a light box?

Thank you for all of the support you give.
I hope you sleep well at night.
((((((((HUGS))))))))
bizi

Thanks Bizi Yes I am very blessed.

I don’t deal with SAD in a depressive way, I go hypo/manic in a couple days then it’s all a dark angry rage-y irritable , self loathing, im a huge burden, wanting to plan my exit....

I truly hope I can stay up right again this season... I made it last year without needing IP Thankfully !

Hey Christina,

Everyone says a job isn't for me just yet as I couldn't handle it. I'm either too high or too low to do it. My benefits cover me until 2021. Which means I don't need to look for a job until then possibly. They don't expect me to have a job.

I'm just so tired took 2 hours to get up this morning

I'm so tired of this ****... The depression is hitting me hard again. The stress finally took its toll on me and caused the depression to come back full force. I was fine not even 8 hrs ago... Now... Now, I just want to isolate and not go to group and just wallow at home. But if I don't go to group I won't go to school and I need to go to school.

I missed all of last week. Both sessions of the class. It's just Tuesday and Thursday. That's it. I couldn't even do that last week with the stress of the stalker coming back. I made it to class Tuesday this week, but was having a really hard time focusing on anything. I haven't gotten anything done between then and now like I had hoped. But that will be fine. I'm not as far behind as I thought I was. Other students are in it worse than me...

I've already been feeling sui from the stress and lack of sleep... I didn't sleep again tonight. Not a wink. I'm tired but I can't make myself fall asleep. Add the depression on top of everything and I'm going to have no chance...

I guess I could go try to get a couple hours of sleep now. It's better than nothing. Maybe just lying down would help. I've already taken all the medicine I'm allowed for the night. So I can't take any more to try to help me sleep.