Bipolar Check-In #38

I am feeling irritated

someone asked me today " so why do you have depression?"

apparently " it's part of bipolar" isn't a good enough reason

urg

If anyone truly knew what caused it, we'd probably be able to fix it. All anyone has is guesses and we're still fumbling in the dark. All we have is band-aids that are full of holes and are no longer sticky.

I got up at 630! Woohoo! Not like yesterday. Blah

They want you to tell them your problems so they can feel better.

Happy World Mental Health Day to everyone!

Oh, I have to say that I feel sad reading that so many people are struggling or have major stressors coming up. I'll admit that after a bit of an "up" yesterday, I have dipped below euthymic today. My thinking has been all over the place. Sometimes I feel I have an incredible clarity of thinking, and then other times I feel totally blocked. I feel a bit of a block right now, so apologize I can't respond to everyone I'd like to. I am sending hugs to everyone who needs them, though.

yellow_fleurs, I am sorry your grandmother is so unhappy. I know the pain of seeing someone you love in that state of mind. I try hard not to totally drive myself to depression thinking about how my father is feeling. He's probably home sleeping right now, after drinking himself to sleep. When he wakes up, he'll likely start drinking again until he sleeps again. He's depressed, too, and we worry so much but feel utterly powerless in terms of helping him. I told my psychiatrist yesterday that I just no longer know what to say to him. I'm so overwhelmed that I can't even bear to see him, as horrible as that sounds. For a moment, I sensed my psychiatrist was judging me for that, but then I put it out of my mind quickly because my mood was quite "up".

Christina, money issues are utterly horrible to have to deal with. I'm sorry you're dealing with them, too. I guess my husband and I should still count ourselves lucky, but money will determine the directions of our lives. It is one that I am so sad about. It's one I feel guilty about, too. I know that I shouldn't feel guilty about my illness putting us in our current position, but that guilt flits around in my mind between my attempts to block it. Dang, I also fully understand the sadness of losing (through retirement, move, or other means) a trusted and liked therapist. I've experienced some grief these last few years because of that. I did find a really wonderful new therapist, though. They are out there. Now I look back at all of the gifts the select few have given me in the past and try to recognize this new and interesting phase of my recovery that I'm in now. My psychiatrist is probably one of the people in my life I've most adored and appreciated, outside of family members. He is likely 73 years old now. He once told me he never planned to retire, which made me so extremely happy. However, his is not young. Plus, my husband and I plan to move far away in a few years. I think about that often. I wish that I could have him as a pen pal when that time comes, but that will surely not be.

The first time I told my psychiatrist that my husband wanted to move to Europe he practically yelled "Dont do it!" That was maybe three or four years ago. I remember that halfway thrilled me and halfway made the prospect of moving even more painful. I even talked about his statement with my then therapist. I asked "Should he have said such a thing to interfere in my life?" In response, she said very little or even somewhat agreed with him. Even worse? Leaving him will be like a death in my close family. Please no one judge me, but I wonder if it will be even harder than when I eventually lose my father. These last 13 years, my psychiatrist has given me more (in a certain way) than my father. I will almost feel like losing my psychiatrist will almost be like losing my mother again. I'm frightened of that.

I am really on a different side of the mood chart today than I was yesterday. Yesterday I convinced my psychiatrist to lower my Seroquel XR by 50 mg to 550 mg. Reductions and increases as little as 50 mg actually make a big difference for me. The intention was to cut down on some of my sleeping, but it has cut down my positive mood too much. Of course it's not even 24 hours since that reduction. I have to be patient. Last night I couldn't fall asleep until almost 2 am, and got up around 7 am. That's too little sleep for this lady. Maybe tonight I'll sleep better since I am not nearly as racy as yesterday.

I'm constantly hungry on abilify, it's driving me crazy so I'm trying my best to distract myself. I've been eating healthy it's just annoying being physically hungry 24/7. I assumed it was the thorazine but apparently abilify isn't as weight neutral as ]was initially thought. I'm doing my best to manage it.

Well, I think I figured out part of the reason I had such a hard day yesterday. It turns out, I was out of one of my medications. I was so tired when I woke up and took my meds that I didn't even realize it was time for more Provigil. Totally spaced it until this morning, when I realized what had happened. Unfortunately, I had a text from my pharmacy this morning that they won't have it in until tomorrow after 4 pm, which means I will miss yet another day. That is going to be hard.

Today has been comparatively rough, but today is only today. It's not tomorrow. Plus, I did some little things I liked. It's my choice to minimize them or maximize them in my mind, in terms of importance.

Hi Moose,

It must be tough to be going through this.
So glad you are reaching out and I hope you continue to reach out.

I am very concerned about you and i am hoping you will stay safe.

Awesome thinking! Thank you for sharing this!
Much Love to You!

I got invited out to eat for dinner so thats at least distracting for a while. I fear going home- especially alone.

Stupid Fall.... I see pdoc on wednesday but should I call the afterhours line.

I understand exactly how you feel about the thought of losing your Pdoc. Like you my T wasn’t young when we got together so that bit has always been in the back of my mind. I DO think losing Richard will be a huge blow, and hurt in a way as when I lost both my parents in my 30’s , far too young to feel like an orphan. I want Richard to retire so he still can enjoy his life , go fishing, he’s teaching more Bible study to at risk youth.

I’m going to need to really focus on all that he has helped me through when our time together comes to an end. It’s really going to be hard , I’m certain I’ll make many drives to his office, I always have the same parking spot and just sit there a while,I think it might help the process when it finally happens. Gah I’m sitting here in tears typing. I must get a hold of myself.

I’m sorry your Dad is just continuing his self destructive ways.. I honestly don’t blame you for not going. Your trying to get your self back on solid ground , seeing him I imagine will just cause you more difficulties. Take care of You!

Be extra kind to yourself

Abilfy had me starving and gaining just like Zyprexa!

Haldol was truly weight neutral for me , I have taken Thorazine as a prn and it’s another that is weight neutral for most people

Being constantly so hungry is a horrible feeling and will cause it’s own set of mental stability problems.

I’m sorry your dealing with it

Yes please do call them ! Are you taking your Haldol ??! If not now is a time it’s needed.

Stay safe

I literally got out of bed after 5 tonight !!! Good grief. Just feeling very odd today.. overthinking , racing mind with a splash of self pity I think sums it up.

My box set of Shameless came in today !!! My months of strict budgeting finally paid off and we could justify buying it.. just over 100.00 which to many is nothing but for us it’s considered a huge deal.

Hugs everyone

I’m sorry your struggle it seeming to get worse. Just keep pushing yourself. Every lol step counts.

Stay safe

I'm trying

I managed to shower...

My pdoc called in my prescription this evening.

Things worked out!

I'm feeling major body pains today. I think I'm fighting off a cold or something.

Hope you feel better

That's awesome about the box set, I want to get one eventually too, I love shameless!

Doing ok.
I’ve decided to drop my Seroquel by 87.5mg to bring the total amount down towards 300mg. This is because I can’t stop eating at my current dose (just over 400mg). I know that historically I don’t put on weight at the 300mg mark.
I’ve promised my DH that I will go back onto the higher dose at the first hint of mania or sui ideation.

Hope everyone is having an ok week.

I just took 4 mg PRN. What should I say to them? What if they tell me to call 911??