Bipolar Check-In #38

Yay!! So happy you were able to push through anxiety and get it checked out

That’s great news about Inderal is helping !!!!!

Birddancer, I feel for you i really do. A similar situation happened to my dad. My sister flew out, as I wasn't able to. He was also hallucinating. I think that's part of the withdrawals.

Are you saying the therapist has ruled against your decisions as parents? No, not really, we came to an agreement he gets his computer for 3 hrs a day.
it sounds like you are not comfortable with the therapist's viewpoints? I hate that his depression is being just addressed as a normal teen problem and not a serious as it is.
Do you feel the therapist knows M better than his parents know him? No, I think M lied. However H made it all about school stuff when I don't give a **** about that if M needs help. I think M's T thinks we scare easily. They are going work on the words he uses to explain his feelings.
I forget, does this t know M? No, he's still just getting to know him this was time 4.
How will you and H deal with this? Will you follow the advice of the T? We'll try this until M either makes another threat and goes to the hospital or we see him again.
Will you hold out, sticking to your own decisions? We have no choice really to at least try.
Will you take some time to think about it all, before making any changes? No because we made an agreement with therapist there.

Well my friend !! I absolutely hate that you are in such great unrelenting pain. I am grateful you have some medication that can hopefully knock it back to the background roar that I know you also deal with day in and day out. Freaking sucks and it’s damn sure NOT fair.

Yes Psoriatic Arthritis (PsA ) is incredibly painful at times..it’s hard to explain to anyone how it feels. Bone deep pain every joint down to the pinky toe feels swollen and can be visually swollen and hot.... then there’s all the cracking of bones in my ankle and feet when I walk..It’s also a auto immune disease... it can keep your overall body full of inflammation which just causing more pain, anxiety because we are always on high alert ... Some days I can only manage to hobble around...I never thought I would in such terrible shape

I am grateful that was getting help from Enbrel but it just quit, now on Humira hoping it helps. Yes biologics can decrease pain but it’s more so about stopping or slowing down the degeneration.

Yes as mentioned by WC we don’t mention for sympathy it is for a heads up .... lots of people struggle with over all body pain and our sharing might help someone reach out and look for a cause. Lots of Doctors just blow off complaints of pain since we have a mental illness . I get so annoyed with that way of thinking.

WC ..... I think we need to find out who has a VooDoo doll of you and is stab happy. I’ll rip them limb from limb

I hate that you are dealing with this

Love you always

So glad you made it thru, ChildOfChaos831. Your screen name really says a lot. So hard to live a healthy life when you get off to such a rocky start. I was fortunate to have a stable life til i was eight. My brother-in-law grew up in chaos tho. I know it isn't easy.

Also you have many mental illnesses all clamoring around and colliding and ricocheting. You have a lot to deal with my friend and i hope you can have a calm and restful recovery. I know when i made my suicide attempts i tended to make things worse in the aftermath by panicking and creating additional crises.

That just made it harder to heal, prolonged my suffering. I was my own worst enemy. The drama reigned, the trauma swirled, fight, flight or freeze syndrome was the order of the day. Please resist this dynamic!

Strive to stay calm and peaceful and not make any big decisions or sudden moves. Easier said then done, i know. It takes time to get over a suicide attempt. Be patient and hang in there. You never know when things will start going your way.

The only way to find out is to stick around.

Well my lungs are just total trash. I have an appt November 7th for a Pulmonary specialist. I’ll huff, puff and pant until then.

Saw my T today... much needed !! I feel more grounded and calmer.

His office smells like a dusty old bookstore which is literally my favorite smell in the world

Hugs and cookies

Another calm peaceful solitary day. I wore my sequined top that i bought for a fancy New Year's Eve party i never went to. Why have nice things and not wear them? I saw a senior lady with a lot of style at the grocery store and said hello and we both said how much we liked each other's "look." It was delightful! Yay women!

Unfortunately my physical health is so deteriorated i don't seem to be able to shake off the exhaustion that built up when i was hypo-manic in September. I am reluctantly coming to the conclusion that my own health problems may be so overwhelming that i my NEVER be able to do volunteering. I did check my weight today and was pleased to see have lost four (4) pounds over the last five weeks -- about 0.8 pounds per week. I am encouraged but i have 96 pounds to go so it's going to absorb my attention for the foreseeable future. I worked on my physical fitness a bit, walking my dog a short distance and lingering outside for an hour, wandering around, taking in the lovely Fall colors and the overcast sky with dark clouds drifting by. I seem to like all sorts of weather. I walked my dog last night in the pouring rain and had a ball. People call such weather "miserable" but i find it refreshing, atmospheric, spooky, invigorating.

But Winter is coming and as joyous as i am to see the first snowfall, it goes on for about six months here and i don't do well from January to Spring. Hopefully i will be more solid with healthy eating and be able to maintain my good habits thru the worst of the Winter. I will do my best but if all i do is just survive from one day to the next and wallow in bags of potato chips for three months it will have to be enough.

Yeah I had hoped it would work sooner. But I think my dose is low.

From what I have read they can go to 4.5mg, but I don't know for sure.

I have another week to wait before I can go back to my pdoc and request an increase.

Thanks Christina.

I was with my wife for 14 hours straight last weekend when we went to the u.s. for the day. We spoke about a lot of things.

I try to be better at speaking at home, it's just hard to muster even more effort at the end of a difficult day.

I appreciate your perspective.

MM , You are in a very tough situation. I honestly do not know what to say right now, except we care and we try to be supportive. I hope and I pray for your family's health and healing. hang in there!

ChildofChaos and whatever2013,

Lovely exchange. Heartwarming to read.

Be well.
Much Love to you both.

It's great to have you posting again!

Thanks for this

I know it’s difficult I’ve been rather quiet the last few days, got a bit stuck in my head.

Did you have a day when you were out ?

Had another headache from not eating very much. I was trying to read at Starbucks to get out of the house. My friend bought me a coffee and I found the gift card Noah got for his birthday. There was enough for a bagel with cream cheese.

I have had a headache for a couple days but eating chicken for dinner tonight fixed that up. I really shouldve eaten something BEFORE I left the house to read. Now I'm in bed in my freshly laundered sheets. Oh! But I slept through my appointment with my case manager this morning! D'oh! I'll have to call in the morning to reschedule.

@christina I'm sorry to read that you're still sick! I mean for godsakes! When will you get a break?!

Moose72 can you go to the food bank?

Agreed! Beautiful words @whatever2013

I see a Pulmonary specialist on Nov 7th .. When I take the dogs out to the pasture it’s about a 30-40 second walk and I get half way and very short of breath. It’s ridiculous.

Have you checked with food banks/ churches ?

Your caseworker might know of one or maybe get you a voucher for emergency funds for food.

Not being able to afford food is scary and yes it can make you sick.. can your daughter pitch in and buy some food to get through the month?

The past couple of months have been rough. The weather is messing with my moods quite a bit. Plus my Grandma is dying of cancer. Been crying lately. I see my therapist tomorrow. I think I need a meds adjustment. I don't see my p-doc until the end of next month. I could always call and see if she can see me earlier than that. Mixed mood today. Okay earlier but not so much now. Trouble sleeping at night. Just a mess right now.

After five hours sleep I woke up at 4 am this morning feeling nauseas with a splitting headache. Also I was sweating and shivering mildly. As the morning progressed it became clear these are symptoms of tapering off of Lithium. Even though I haven't changed my dose for a week I decided to increase it a little and see if that helped. It did a little.

Thankfully I had a 2 pm appointment with my pdoc already booked for today. He suggested I stay on the higher dose until the symptoms pass then continue tapering. He trusts I am smart enough to work out the pace of taper that will avoid any more symptoms so didn't dictate to me a rigid plan. He is good that way. He encourages self-autonomy and taking control of my health, including if/what meds to take. The only time he is more authoritative is when I am severely mixed and psychotic so less able to make good decisions for myself. Today he asked a lot of brief questions to make sure I was stable, safe, and enjoying my life despite the hiccups coming off of Lithium. I've been told by him and my T that it is risky business as it can trigger episodes, or not protect you from them. I guess he is trying to be safe by making sure I am closely monitored. While I am grateful for this support I feel confident I will come out the other end in good shape.

Time for 'Roseanne' now. I have rediscovered the old episodes from the 90's. Right when I was in my teens. My family used to watch it together every week, and laugh a lot, so it brings back good memories.

Well, I've been up since 4am because of the mice rustling. Little f***ers...

Still need to clean up, but I haven't done so in a while. I did a little bit on Monday, but not a ton. Definitely not enough, either.

I would clean up NOW, except... there is that sociopath downstairs who I don't want to anger. Just lots of violence and laughter after being violent and after screaming/yelling/insulting his wife or gf. He just thinks it's funny to be abusive. I don't, and I don't want any part of it, either, so I try my best to keep quiet early in the morning.

Otherwise, doing alright. Wish I could go back to bed, though, but not with the rustling of the mice in the walls. It keeps me awake.

Yeah we visited the u.s. for a day the weekend before last.

It went well, we chatted about allot in the car, while shopping, at dinner, at the temple etc. But I was not feeling withdrawn that day so it was ok.

Just lately, I've been feeling more withdrawn.

Moose, I am sorry your dad is in the same situation as mine

jmariah, I am sorry your grandma is so sick. Cancer is horrible!

Wander, I hope you feel better soon.

I imagine the sound of the mice is quite disturbing. If this continues it might not be long before they invade your living space. I wanted to offer a few thoughts as this has been going on for over a month. You shouldn't have to live uncomfortably.

I know you mentioned you do not want management to see the mess in your apartment. Is it in a state where it is a violation, or are you just uncomfortable with it? If it is the former, take the time out to handle the mess. You don't want to lose your place. Most contracts state management can come in uninvited anyway. They may do that if someone else reports the mice. The cleanup doesn't need to be perfect. Just good enough.

If the situation is just that you are uncomfortable with it, maybe clean a bit, but throw your energy into challenging your thoughts. I worked in property management and I saw all kinds of truly messy places. The situations that were truly an issue or shocking were very few. The most important thing is living in a comfortable space free of pests, not what a stranger thinks of your cleaning skills.

I know you have a lot of boxes and you want to break them down and recycle them. That takes time, but you can knock out a huge pile in an hour. My husband does this for us all the time. You can go this route, but you could also consider this a minor emergency. Maybe this one time you just haul the boxes to the dump? Or maybe you can flatten them all out and put them in a stack in one room for now.

Cleaning can take time, but you can get a lot done quickly if you focus. I play upbeat music to help me along. I have a lot to clean in addition to shuffling other tasks every day. I never have long stretches of time to do it. I make a list and just rock out one thing at a time and then move to the next. Your apartment doesn't need to be spotless, just picked up enough for maintenance to walk through safely. Nothing should be in a hazardous state and you shouldn't have anything rotting lying around. Make your must do list and just do it. If you can do your work work while your jerk neighbor is doing his thing early in the morning and then do your cleanup while you'd typically be working.

This is all very doable in a few hours for an apartment. Stay focused and get this done. Mice means mice feces and they bring that into your home. That's unsanitary and definitely unpleasant even if it is just in your walls, the air circulates. Maybe ask your dad to pop by and help with the boxes or something, but start looking at this as easy work. You'll feel much better when this is done and you aren't losing sleep to this issue. Sleep is critical for your mental health. Fight for it.

Hi,
It's good to have you posting. I am very sorry your garndma is ill. It's very sad to lose our loved ones. grandmas tend to be extra-special to many of us.

Our grief is often complicated by watching our loved ones suffer, especially with prolonged suffering.

Sometimes, our moods are strongly affected by our grief. While grieving is "normal," and often alters our mood, you know yourself best.

it never hurts anything to contact one's pdoc. Chances are your therapist and your pdoc can help to sort out grief vs mood swings. It can be difficult to discern the difference without outside help.

It's a treat to have you here with us.
I hope you will continue to take good care.
Please let us know how you are doing?

Love and Prayers for you and for your grandma.