Bipolar Check-In #38

Hey everyone, trying to catch up, I had to take a step out of internet land and sort some stuff out and lose myself in ER and Shameless.. I totally lost track of days. Sleep is a on going struggle.

Well my Asthma despite the additional inhaler is I guess dug it’s heels in , still right side.. so Boom I’m going back on steroids, they can really screw up my Bipolar so it’s a slippery damn slope, but hey ! a girls gotta breath.

As some of you might remember the whole Florida trip fiasco, well I told my husband that the trips just can not go for more than 2 weeks. He doesn’t understand 100% how hard they are for me but he certainly doesn’t want me to suffer , so I felt a compromise was needed , I can’t just demand only 7 days. It’s not fair to him, so 2 weeks, we both feel it is fair. At least next trip I’ll have a date I know we will head home. Mentally this will really help. I’m glad I spent time deciding how best to start the conversation. I didn’t want him to feel defensive.

Saw my Rheumatologist last week , my liver enzymes have been a bit elevated. Started about May, so again it’s still elevated CBC and kidneys are fine thankfully.

So I will be referred to a GI for a liver work up . I already know I have a fatty liver. So we shall see, I’m not going to work myself up into a panic..

Hugs for anyone needing one, cookies too

Just been reading some new data about optimism and pessimism and it does not look good for me. The non-optimists are as much as 35% more likely to die than their cheerful counterparts. This is not good for me, as I spend a ton of time dealing with SI and a lot of negative thoughts and energy and rumination. Just really a constant and never-ending struggle for me. Anyhoo, they said not to fear, negative people. This can be changed. So, today, I am starting on a new program of intentionally attempting to be positive and to see the positive wherever it is in my life. Even if I feel like garbage. Let's hope it works!

After three days of no sleep I took two ambien, and it worked! I slept 6.5 hours straight and then turned over and got another 3 hours! Psyically I'm feeling so much better today. My back doesn't hurt at all! But the tolerance will just build back up. I really got to make an appointment to see the doc,.... don't want this convo tho

Oh man! I'm feeling really low again today... second time in 7 days. What a pain.

It would be nice to get into bed and stay there today but I'm at work and have several meetings today.

I increase my dose of Mirapex tomorrow, following pdoc's directions.

My wedding was very simple. The ceremony took place at the church I grew up in, the reception was in the church basement with food my ex and friends fixed, we were vegetarians so made things like humus and tabula from scratch. My aunt made the cake. It was a fall wedding and the colors deep green and gold, so she used fall leaves and a deep green fountain, was beautiful. My biggest thrill was getting to use my mother's wedding gown. It was 1940's elegant, we just reworked the neckline.

My old job called this morning. They have a position for me as a sub until They can get me full time employment. I took it. I resigned from my job this morning. Before I went in this morning there were the familiar feelings of depression, self harm, anxiety, etcetera. I just know I can’t get better if I stay where I’m at. I know some people on here may disagree with my decision but I feel it is best for me. I will be getting insurance through the marketplace as soon as my old job can send me a letter stating that I do not have insurance there anymore. That will hold me over until I can become a full time employee again.


I’m not sure how I feel. Part of me feels relieved, part of me feels like a failure. And of course the underlying depression. At least I have the support of my family.

My old job called this morning. They have a position for me as a sub until They can get me full time employment. I took it. I resigned from my job this morning. Before I went in this morning there were the familiar feelings of depression, self harm, anxiety, etcetera. I just know I can’t get better if I stay where I’m at. I know some people on here may disagree with my decision but I feel it is best for me. I will be getting insurance through the marketplace as soon as my old job can send me a letter stating that I do not have insurance there anymore. That will hold me over until I can become a full time employee again.

I’m not sure how I feel. Part of me feels relieved, part of me feels like a failure. And of course the underlying depression. At least I have the support of my family.

Is there any chance the Mirapex is adding to your feeling low?

It made me feel a bit sleepy at first. Yet, within a 4-6 days, I was feeling less depression. I coul d feel the change.


Of course , it could also be simply the course of your depression as it waits to adjust to the MIrapex? So hard to know.


I realize you have been trudging through, hoping to find something to help you. You have been doing this for a long time now. You so deserve a break from this! I hope you will get a break soon.

Thanks WC.

I think it's just the course of my depression... low and lower.

I don't think the Mirapex has started working yet. I just hit 1mg and my pdoc wants me to get to 2mg and wait there for a few weeks to see how it goes. I'll get to 2mg late next week.

No side effects so far and I'm not sleepy, which is good. No nausea too.

I'm literally hanging on, going day to day, and hoping to find something that works.

All I want to do is get to my baseline. I've had 2 baseline days during the last 2 years and it would be great to maybe see a few baseline days in a month or possibly a week.

Nice to be among people that get it.

Off hand, I am thinking your "confusion" as to whether or not the trigger is real or not is, perhaps, a part of the dissociation?


What happens when you think of it as real?


If, for instance, a hallucination set us off, would the hallucination be considered "real?" It was/is real enough to trigger us. Identifying the trigger is important, whether or not we can determine if the trigger is real. It really triggered us!


I am hoping you will be able to find a way out of the dissociation soon and can enJOY life.

Just been reading some new data about optimism and pessimism and it does not look good for me. The non-optimists are as much as 35% more likely to die than their cheerful counterparts. This is not good for me, as I spend a ton of time dealing with SI and a lot of negative thoughts and energy and rumination. Just really a constant and never-ending struggle for me. Anyhoo, they said not to fear, negative people. This can be changed. So, today, I am starting on a new program of intentionally attempting to be positive and to see the positive wherever it is in my life. Even if I feel like garbage. Let's hope it works!

I tried taking my thorazine twice last night and it did nothing for the trigger... So I guess it is real, which just makes it worse I think... I didn't sleep at all because I was scared of having more nightmares but I'm going to bed soon (it's only 6pm here) because I'm exhausted... And I had the first part of a root canal done today sour of the moment... So I'd rather fall asleep before the numbing wears off all the way.

2:23 am and prednisone has the reins. My normally racing minds is going even faster. I smell smoke.

Sleep seems impossible , I took my Xanax, a neurontin and I added a Doxipen.

I’ll eventually just stare at my wall and hope I accidentally doze off or just zone out a bit. But I must force myself to be horizontal to rest my body at least.

Unfortunately this is how my body reacts to prednisone. I only take it when I have no other choice. This Asthma flare is now in its 4th week so push came to shove.

I have 10 days worth, I doubt I can do full 10 days and my Doctor knows it screws up my Bipolar so I’m going to push hard to do at least 7 days. But I can’t do more than 5 days of zero sleep.. that would certainly put me IP

Fingers crossed this finally settles things down.

Oh yeah and I have the lovely side effect of always being hungry too ! Boo hiss !

Everything will taste like metal by day 5 ...... yet I’ll still want to eat like I’m on high dose zyprexa.

Woohoo go me !

2nd night in a row of just 4 hours of sleep. Better than nothing I guess but frustrating too because I'm bored. I want to go to the store but it's only 4am right now and I need to wait till it's light out. There are two stores I need to go to. Then I need to write a letter for my college and take a nice long walk since it should be cooler out today.

Any reason you are not sleeping well?
Are you esxperiencing any anxiety about school?
I hope things settle for you, soon.

Root canals can be trying. I hope you were able to get some sleep!

Do you see apdoc and/or a therapist?

I hope you have a betterday!