Bipolar Check-In #38

I wish I could honestly write an inspiring post today. I could write one, yet it probably would not be honest.

Or is my mind telling me tales again?

I need to change my "vibration" and try, try again.

Catch you in awhile...

You have been under the weather for quite a long time now.
It is wonderful you have finally gotten some quality sleep!

Does Charlie wake you up when you sleep in?
How is Charlie doing?

Much Love

Bad night. Nightmares kept waking me up almost on the hour. Keep dissociating and going catatonic today... Just overall struggling. Not even in a talking mood. Think I spoke 3 words all morning...

The only time Charlie wakes me is if he runs out of food. I'm pretty good at remembering to fill their bowl before I go to sleep to prevent that.

Charlie is doing really well. He's even playing with his sister. I think he feels better than he has in a long time. I don't know why but I'll take it. Now he just needs to lose some steroid weight. He's probably 21-22 lbs right now and that's way too heavy.

Now you just need a night like I had....

Didn't wake up until 1-something. Ugh.

I started the paperwork for housing subsidy. Basically a list of all the crap I have to gather. This always makes me nuts every year! I'm at Starbucks now- a friend bought me a latte.

(((((( childofchaos ))))))

May LOVE surround you, comfort you, lift you up!!!

I have had a similar night. Terrorizing, in fact. I have spent the day searching for the Light. It is lonely to feel lost in the dark. We are here for you.

Is there anyone you can reach out to IRL?

What happens if/when you talk?

I know that I withdraw sometimes, when I truly need to talk the most. During those times, I find that if I allow myself to talk, I also feel my feelings. Sometimes, especially after a night of nightmares, for instance, my feelings tend to frighten me. If I feel too threatened/frightened of my feelings or memories, I might then dissociate.

I try to intervene in my pattern by allowing myself to talk even though I really, really, really do not want to talk.

This is how it can go for me.

Just wondering how it goes for you?
Does talking open doors you wish would remain closed?

Don't feel like you must respond here. I am just trying to share with you and I do realize you may not feel like talking for reasons beyond our ability to fully comprehend. I don't want to encourage you to drop any defense system that is serving you well today.

Just trying to tell you that you are not alone.
We are here for you.

Sometimes talking can make it worse... I don't know how to explain it. It can definitely make the dissociation worse. Th main problem is I don't know what triggered this. Yesterday and the weekend were bad too but not this bad...

Thanks for the response, WC.

I'm doing pretty well. Mood is good, sleep is good, no other symptoms. I don't have much going on in my life at the moment. Need to do some grocery shopping so I'm glad I'll be able to do that tomorrow morning. I've been using mindfulness again, it's very helpful. I feel like a lot of my life passes by in a blur, so it's nice to kind of live in the moment and be more aware of things.

While talking can be very grounding for some people, in some cases, talking can make things feel more intense, more real. I think that can be additionally frightening and can stir up more dissociation.

The way out of dissociation can be quite difficult. As you have mentioned, the first step is in recognizing triggers. I know this can be very tricky.

Does anything help when you are dissociating?

I often find talking helpful. I also find it very helpful if/when someone says my name. It is also sometimes helpful to me if someone (someone close to me) simply touches my forearm or some gesture like that where I become aware of my body.

The kind of fear that sets off dissociating is fierce! In fact, we dissociate in order to escape it, I think?

Over time, and after studying under many different authors, I'd realized that there is "Fear"and there is "Love." One can overwhelm the other. When I am feeling an overwhelmig amount of fear, I try to reach out and change my "status" by listening to music, by reaching out to help others, etc. If I can get myself more in alignment with Love, it is more difficult for me to identify with the fear. I am then not so overwhelmed with fear...and the need for dissociation tends to let up.

PTSD deserves respect, in that my writing something "fruity," like I have done so above, may seem "fluffy"and not be helpful. PTSD makes some significant changes in the central nervous system, etc.

In thinking about it though, for many of us, it has taken some very hurtful (often devastating) actions (usually on the part of others) to create the wound(s) and the fear associated with PTSD/dissociation. It then makes sense to me the that the opposite, Love and Light, might offer us some healing. (?)

One of the things I try to remember to do is to make sure I am in a place, or get myself into a place, where I feel as much Love as I can muster at the time.

Sometimes, it is helpful to recall a time when we have felt Love around us. If we focus/meditate upon times like these, we might be able to recreate the feeling and the associated chemistry. I find this helpful when I am feeling lost.

If we can create or recreate a feeling of being surrounded by Love, we might be able to chase away (or to transform) some of the fear and we might be able to escape, or to lessen our need to dissociate so often, so deeply?

This may or may not be helpful to you.
It has been very helpful to me and I'd wanted to share some of my experience with you.

You are not alone.
May you feel surrounded by Love

I too try to shift my state by applying the opposite feeling. This is an approach that works well for me. It makes logical sense as well. Thanks for sharing.

I got some work done today: I paid the phone bill; I drove to the credit union and got printouts of accounts for "The paperwork" and got the rent check; got a quick lunch then paid the rent and now Im home. Is that enough for the day? There is so much to do in the next week!!!

I have been working on trying to change my "feelings" all day long.. I find my way and then lose it again, only to find it again, and on and on it goes.

Today has been especially painful. I have had to be dealing with my soon-to-be "ex." We have a property to remodel a bit and then to sell. He and I have been trying to make these decisions together. It has gone relatively well at times. He is testing the waters now though. I see a lot of his "activites" going on right in front of my face. It is difficult to keep my composure and to keep things headed in the right direction while trying to cope with this. I think he is more "mindless" than not. He is also arrogant about all that has happened. I think he does not realize I can see as much as I can see. He thinks I am being fooled. I am not being fooled. I am watching and keeping an eye out for myself... because it has been proven , in this case, I must do so.

I do, in fact, see him continuing his activities and watch him repeatedly continue to lie to me about both consequential and inconsequential matters. (Yet, isn't it always "consequential" if someone is chronically lying?)

I don't like the fact that I truly MUST keep an eye out when it comes to someone I have spent almost 30 years with. It seems surreal. Yet, it is true and it's best to not forget it, at least not until the big D is final and maybe longer.

It's an interesting balance to try to achieve, one between getting along with someone enough to work together and one in which one must be ready for any kind of betrayal at any moment. I do, in fact, see him continuing to carry on and lying to my face, even today... over and over again.

I have been hoping he would show even a little bit of remorse and would have enough respect for me to truly spare me, rather than going through the motions of pretending to spare me.

I am trying my best to remain amicable and to keep things on track, hoping to put an end to this fiasco as soon as is reasonably possible.

I guess I can only do my best by staying in alignment with my own values while he decides how he conducts himself. I do not want to spend my time or energy responding to his ongoing (mis)behaviors.

Thanks for reading and thanks so much for your support.

Wild Coyote - you’ve been like superwoman in my book. You’ve conducted yourself with dignity, class and integrity amid still having to deal with him for the foreseeable future. I’m so sorry you are in this ongoing nightmare. Sending hugs and supportive vibes.

I am having trouble remembering where things are- where I put things. If they get moved by someone else Im screwed.

@wildcoyote good advice for everyone but "This, too, shall pass". I know that during it seems it will go on forever.

Having someone talk to me helps when I'm dissociated. Even if I don't seem to be responding, it's helping.

Also, I have an idea what is triggering/did trigger this, but I'm not sure if it's real or not. Does that make sense?

WildCoyote, I, too am very impressed with the way you are handling this situation, and keeping to your values through it all. It must be so hard to deal with that level of betrayal, though. I am honestly amazed you can even show up to deal with stuff with him. It seems you are very resilient. I hope better things come your way soon.

Off hand, I am thinking your "confusion" as to whether or not the trigger is real or not is, perhaps, a part of the dissociation?

What happens when you think of it as real?

If, for instance, a hallucination set us off, would the hallucination be considered "real?" It was/is real enough to trigger us. Identifying the trigger is important, whether or not we can determine if the trigger is real. It really triggered us!

I am hoping you will be able to find a way out of the dissociation soon and can enJOY life.

Thank you.

If someone moves my stuff- or even if I do- mentally and physically!- I can't find these things again. Pieces of paper, thoughts, my car keys, etc. They must go in the same spot every time. Its highly frustrating. I have a vague recollection of typing this exact post before but without a reference it all drops away: I am lost. Not good when I have important paperwork to do.

Wild coyote, my continued support as you go through this awful time. Sometimes we do not know how strong we are until we are forced to be. You are quite strong!

I am still feeling down, but the fog seems to be lifting a little bit. I think the worst of the episode has passed. I still do not want to go to work, but I am not feeling as desperate to get away. The self harm urges have mostly gone. I’m starting to think if I can just make it through this week I will be able to rest and pick up next week with actual lesson plans. I’m hoping this is true. I still think I would go back to my old job if I could but that doesn’t seem to be an option. I am not planning to return to school, however. So I will lose this job at the end of the year no matter what. And I am ok with that.

I am so very tired. Exhaustion is a symptom of both depression and diabetes. Since both MAY be at play here, it’s hard to know what way I should go. I will be going to my primary care dr as soon as I am insured. Until then, I will try to slowly change the way I eat. It’s a tough road, because I am so used to eating junk. But it must be done.

This paperwork needs filled out for all the adults in the household. N3 refuses to pay anything!! I cant continue to support him at 18. He quit his job and refuses to get a new one. He just wants to visit with his girlfriend. He rarely ever practices piano either. I feel like wringing his neck!

Had more weird dreams last night, was tossing and turning and woke up and started ruminating and panicking about stuff. Fortunately I went to bed early enough to make up for the lack of sleep. It's oddly been around the same time each night. I definitely feel off. I am going on a trip to visit my grandma and aunt this weekend and I have developed such bad flight anxiety in recent months, plus with how overstimulating I find airports, I am worried if I continue to feel off I'll totally lost it on the plane or something. Anyways at least something positive is that I am getting some work done, so that's good at least. Sending compassion!

Tomorrow morning I have to get up early for my volunteering. I'm far from excited, but maybe it'll be better than I expect.

My sister didn't even know that I was unaware of my dad's release from the hospital. I wasn't even thinking about him much. She said my brother was at her house upset. Apparently he got home abd Dad was drunk. Surprise? I wrote my sister to tell my dad to pay his bills, finally, and quit the hospital visit charade. Why bother? I won't be visiting him any time soon, I'm afraid.

Ooooooooooo my daughter is getting married!!!!! Soon, too, December! We're going dress shopping on the 17th. It will be so much fun. Ahhhh, what's the mother of the brides duties? I never was one for traditional but my daughter is, ah, I gotta go google