Bipolar Check-In #38

I think it’s very possible they will cut you a break since you have been very careful to keep up on payments. I’d certainly explain your ongoing illness.

Saw my pdoc yesterday. As I reacted so badly to reducing my Lithium dose by a quarter, and am still really settling down after the worst, he wants me to sit on my current dose for a week and then let him know how I am. If I’m stable I will begin a much slower taper off of Lithium. He also suggested trying to find a sweet spot with my dose where I still have the benefits, but not the side effects. We are both concerned about me being off of Lithium as it has protected me from impulsive suicide attempts.

The last few days I’ve started to feel better. I don’t need prn Seroquel and can sleep. My mood is almost normal too. So glad that experience is over. I’m fed up living in survival mode. My pdoc told me he wants to help me thrive. I hope we can achieve that.

My life is going in slow motion. I have too much free time but freak out if I have too much on. Physically I’m exhausted almost all the time which doesn’t help. I feel trapped. Nine years of excellent therapy and I’m still a mess. I’ve made heaps of progress. I just have/had tonnes of trauma, circumstances, and illness relentlessly crushing me. While I’m scared I still have hope I can flourish.

Well good grief !!

I decided to go to Hellmart tonight. I loathe the place but some items I can get much cheaper than at Kroger’s.

Anyway as my husband and I walked towards the entrance some old idiot damn near hit us!! Like wtf??? We got very lucky I’m talking we had to jump out of the way literally , he had the nerve to blare his horn, honestly people don’t act like that here.. I started yelling , my husband stormed over to the guy yelling ! This is the only time in our 15 years here that we almost are run over. Sheesh

I get all my items and there’s not a single register running , like none . I got the attention of a stock boy and he said I guess you need self check out?? No, what ! I’ll leave the damn cart and walk out. Finally found a cashier. It’s 915 pm not 240 am !!

I got so agitated I wound up taking 2mg of Xanax as soon as we got home. Noise is killing me .. I have asked my husband many times if he can turn the tv down.

Argh Prednisone AND a trip to Hellmart ??? I just can’t ever do it again.

I did finally pick up the hand / wrist splint my Rheumatologist told me to get to hopefully get that damn tendon I damaged while in Florida to heal.

I just feel on edge as I always get on damn steroids. I drive myself mad.

i hope you will get some sleep, Christina!!!

You too my friend

I hope you get some peace Christina. Then sleep.

I remember being on steroids (not knowing I was biplar and should be watched) and feeling so awful, what I know now was mixed plus extra agitation. My usual personality without BP is anything but aggressive. I wound up absolutely yelling at a classmate in front of my whole grad class because I was angry at him anyway and he wouldn't back off until I was calm enough to talk to him. This led to the teacher telling me I wasn't "strong enough" to be an OTR and giving me a hard time every chance he got although in earlier classes he'd liked me a lot. I knew it was the steroids but not why my experience was so extreme.Now I do.

I'm terrified I'll be told I need them to calm my gut after my scopes. I'm fairly sure that this would mean a trip IP based on that other time. I'm almost at 4 years since I was IP so I would hate that (breaking my record) but knowing ahead that it is possible and being able to plan with my pdoc is good.

Thanks for the suggestion to tell the credit card co. that I have been sick and that contributed to the payment error. This is my care credit card, the only one I carry a balance on and I am getting so close to being paid off and ready for the next procedure. I have a line of things I need. I'm sure I'll get some cavities added this time and then 2 crowns. My new dentist seems to find cavities every visit even though my old dentist didn't call the same things cavities but had them on a "watch list". I'm hoping to get the next crown in 2 months and then the last one about 6 months later if all goes well. But having care credit with an interest wasn't in the plan. I may have to transfer to another card with 0% if they are charging me interest now.

Hopefully you'll at least get some rest.

Steroids are just terrible for many people. My husband sometimes needs them for his copd but they make him feel great not a single yucky side effect, lucky him.

My husband and I have need the Care credit for dental work.... dental is so expensive

I can't take Prednisone. My PCP has told me to never take it, he's the one that saw me on it, not my pdoc at the time or my current one cuz I see residents so they change kinda often. I'm able to tolerate a Medrol Dosepak though, so when I need steroids, that's the go-to. I have bad asthma and get bronchitis almost yearly. And then I need them for pain also sometimes... The Dosepak isn't as strong tho so it probably wouldn't knock out what you have going on right now...

Yeah medrol dose pack does nothing for me when my Asthma is being this much of a freaking jerk.

It’s very unlikely I can do the full 10 days, it’s 80 mg a day, ugh! I’m pushing to hopefully get to day 7 before Bipolar issues make me quit.

Asthma blows !

Hope your able to get some rest tonight

Looks like PTSD is gonna keep me up all night. The Prednisone for you up?

I have therapy today, but I don't know what I'm going to talk about since I'm doing so well (for the most part). My mood is still "ehhh," but I'm able to function and I think that's what counts.

No psychosis in a long time, surprisingly, even though I've been missing my meds left and right. Unless I'm still hallucinating and don't realize it. idk.

In other news, tonight, I will have Indian food with my mom, my sister, and my sister's bf. (My dad does not like Indian. He dislikes the flavors of curry and cumin. He also does not like the concept of "soupy" foods.) Should be a fun time. I don't really get along with my sister (I think she can be a real b**** to people sometimes, INCLUDING HER OWN BOYFRIEND), but I'm trying to work things out.

I hope everyone has a good day today, and, if you're in the northeast like me, keep warm!

I'm so glad you're doing well! No psychosis is awesome. Of course, I can appreciate how it would be hard to know for sure.

Maybe you can talk about your sister in therapy. Dinner sounds fun, so hopefully she will behave.

Enjoy the cooler weather. 95 here today. My yard is scorched and we need rain badly. I cannot remember the last time I wore long pants.

Painfully numb today and for the past few days. It feels like I can't breathe. I see pdoc in 11 days but I don't think she can help. "Bugs" and voices are still an issue. I feel like saying **** it and hiding in a corner under blankets. I know I need to keep taking my medication or things will get worse but I hate this limbo spot. Non-functional feels "better" than this. I made worry stones with my son last night. He took one with him this morning. If I had to do it again I'd make 4 instead of 3 out of the 1 oz. I still need to put polish on it but it's fine for now.

I need to start coloring again. I don't want to but I need to keep myself busy. I just feel done. I don't want to talk (luckily no therapy for a little). I'm tired but can't sleep at night.

Yesterday I got my hair colored. I had some major grays coming in at my roots. I tried to pluck a few out, but I'm afraid I'm well past that stage. I wanted to go a little more red in color. I mentioned that to my hair stylist last time and she said that my hair already had a faint hew in the "reddish" category. Not enough for me, though. I went a bit darker for autumn. It wasn't a huge difference, but enough that my husband asked that I get some highlights back next time.

I was supposed to get my eyebrows done today, but had to cancel. We have a plumbing issue again, though this time our downstairs toilet. It's not a pretty sight! Sort of a shocking one, I'm afraid. I had to deal with it this morning, thus the eye brow wax cancellation. Hubby told me not to take a shower because he thinks that could exacerbate the issue. I don't see the link, but I'm not a plumber. Neither is he, though.

Tomorrow my sister and I go to a NAMI Wellness Conference. It's always enjoyable with great key note speakers and workshops. I have volunteered to write up an evaluation for a workshop I attend. I will also help them with the cleanup afterwards. For the that reason, my sister will drive there separately from me.

The conference above, in Lawrenceville, NJ, is sponsored by NAMI Mercer. Walk-ins are welcome, but first choice workshops may not always be available. It's free to attend the key note speaker lecture. The breakfast, lunch, plus two workshops and finale event only cost $20 total per person. The keynote speaker will be Dr. Kenneth Duckworth, a prestigious psychiatrist who has served as the medical director of NAMI National since 2003. He has outstanding credentials in psychiatry and neurology and is currently a clinical assistant professor at Harvard University. He was inspired to go into psychiatry because his father had bipolar disorder. I'm providing these details because it is a wonderful opportunity, in my view, and I know other people live in the eastern PA, NJ, and NY metro areas. I've attended three in the past, and loved them all. The key note speaker takes questions at the end. Last year's keynote speaker was Xavier Amador, author of I'm not sick, I don't need help! and other books. Many may also know of Melody Moezzi, author of Haldol and Hyacinths and a regular writer for bp Magazine. She spoke a few years before.

I just wanted to check in and say hello. I have had a busy few days doing things around the house and haven't had much time to really post anything. I am excited and also a bit worried about tonight's event for my son. He plays the tuba in school. There is a football game tonight so he has to go and play. I am concerned that I will be overstimulated in that environment. This tuba playing is a new thing for him and also myself. So, I am not sure what to expect. I plan on taking pics if I can get to him. I guess we will just have to find out. Hope everyone is doing ok.

I hope you have a good time! I really enjoy events like this with kids. It is fun to watch them shine and football games are usually a good time if you can find a not so crowded spot to hang in.

This month I will stick to a budget. I will work hard on this. I have allowed my self $200 spending money for the month. I have just sold three camera lenses, so this will reduce substantially what I owe on the credit card. So I am barely hanging in there financially, owing allot in debt, about $50,000 on a credit line, I may need to go back to work full time to pay this off. Friends and family think I am crazy to think of going off of disability in this way, but "what must be done, must be done".

My goals today is to clear out my old bedroom of stuff laying all around everywhere on the floor. The dog went in my bedroom, so I will have to find a way to clean that mess up, and get rid of the smell. Also, I need to get my car into Brake Masters to have a front end alignment. I also need to mail the lens that I sold. So if I can get myself out going on my day, I have enough to keep myself busy today.

I'm on season 5 on Netflix. Izzy has cancer and is still hallucinating Denny.

Hello all. Having salmon for my daughter's 20th birthday dinner. I love salmon but I'll be having chicken since I'm allergic to almost everything that lives in water.

More replies later.

I know that feeling of wanting to hide in the corner. I once did this in 2nd grade- hid in a pile of winter coats. Back then it was more acceptable- at age 8 instead of 47.

Making worry stones sounds fun. I had one once as a kid.

I found out today that my bible study group has put me on the inactive roster because I haven’t been active enough according to them. I am so disheartened and discouraged. I thought these were my friends and I looked forward to the communications (three times a week) on the weeks I couldn’t go. Now I am cut off from that. It’s just unacceptable and unchristian behavior. I noticed a distinct difference in their treatment of me when I shared my diagnosis with the leader and one of her officers but I overlooked it and kept going in the hopes of educating them by my behavior as time went by.

My daughter has urged me for close to a year now to find a different bible study group. She finds them to be unwelcoming and cliquish (she has been to events with me). I’ll get over it...it just hurts right now and it hit at the wrong time. This has been a big part of my life. I don’t know whether I will go back or not. I certainty don’t feel welcome.

Warm wishes to all and hugs to those that are struggling.

Still quite low today but it was mostly kept at bay because RS stayed home with me. He was in a minor accident yesterday so he decided to take the day off work so he could fix his truck. Then he ended up spending the whole day with me instead. We went to lunch and to the farm market. I took a nap. I didn’t want to get back up but I had to because I needed to get my son from school. Then we went and had dinner. So a nice little day even though I’m depressed.

If I had my way I would be getting back in bed and listening to depressing music but that’s no good for me. So we are watching 31 nights of Halloween on freeform. Right now it’s the Addams family. Then Addams family values and then hocus pocus. And even though I am 32, prime age for seeing all those movies, I never have. So it’ll be nice to relax and watch some movies with RS.

I decided to pay cash to see my pdoc sooner. I have an appt with her on Tuesday. I hope she has some sort of suggestion. I have a box of Emsam left from January that I never took because I felt better pretty quickly. I wonder if she will let me start taking it. It’s the only AD that I’ve taken that has worked and hasn’t made me manic. I’m worried about trying another AD. I don’t want to go mixed. I’m not sure even RS could help me with that. Maybe she will just raise the lamictal. But the other pdoc I saw briefly wouldn’t do that because of the risk of seizures with that and depakote together. So I don’t know. I just know I want to feel better so I can keep my job.

Wait wait wait... They have a roster and you were sidelined?

I agree with your daughter. You don't want to be a part of any group that cannot accept you as you are. It makes me frustrated they would treat you different because of your diagnosis. Judgment is the opposite of what they should be going for. I am sure it hurts, but I would walk away or better yet run from this. I have stayed away from study groups for reasons just like this. Lately, my brother and I have just been sharing passages and talking spirituality whenever it feels right. I enjoy that kind of fellowship. Hit me up of you ever want to toss anything around.

So sorry this happened. I know you were dealing with family thinking you were isolating and I'm sure this doesn't help.

You are such a kind person. Your message helped me feel better and solidified my instinct to walk away. Thank you for your offer as well. I really appreciate it and you.

I love your energy and your attitude. I'm happy to help any time.