Bipolar Check-In #38

Ooooooooooo my daughter is getting married!!!!! Soon, too, December! We're going dress shopping on the 17th. It will be so much fun. Ahhhh, what's the mother of the brides duties? I never was one for traditional but my daughter is, ah, I gotta go google

Checking in. Mood is good, sleep is better. I got a weighted blanket and started listening to a guided sleep meditation with brain wave entrainment. Both have helped a lot. Nothing of interest going on. Just wanted to say hello and send warm wishes and hugs to those that are struggling.

I have been working on trying to change my "feelings" all day long.. I find my way and then lose it again, only to find it again, and on and on it goes.


Today has been especially painful. I have had to be dealing with my soon-to-be "ex." We have a property to remodel a bit and then to sell. He and I have been trying to make these decisions together. It has gone relatively well at times. He is testing the waters now though. I see a lot of his "activites" going on right in front of my face. It is difficult to keep my composure and to keep things headed in the right direction while trying to cope with this. I think he is more "mindless" than not. He is also arrogant about all that has happened. I think he does not realize I can see as much as I can see. He thinks I am being fooled. I am not being fooled. I am watching and keeping an eye out for myself... because it has been proven , in this case, I must do so.


I do, in fact, see him continuing his activities and watch him repeatedly continue to lie to me about both consequential and inconsequential matters. (Yet, isn't it always "consequential" if someone is chronically lying?)


I don't like the fact that I truly MUST keep an eye out when it comes to someone I have spent almost 30 years with. It seems surreal. Yet, it is true and it's best to not forget it, at least not until the big D is final and maybe longer.


It's an interesting balance to try to achieve, one between getting along with someone enough to work together and one in which one must be ready for any kind of betrayal at any moment. I do, in fact, see him continuing to carry on and lying to my face, even today... over and over again.


I have been hoping he would show even a little bit of remorse and would have enough respect for me to truly spare me, rather than going through the motions of pretending to spare me.


I am trying my best to remain amicable and to keep things on track, hoping to put an end to this fiasco as soon as is reasonably possible.


I guess I can only do my best by staying in alignment with my own values while he decides how he conducts himself. I do not want to spend my time or energy responding to his ongoing (mis)behaviors.


Thanks for reading and thanks so much for your support.

If someone moves my stuff- or even if I do- mentally and physically!- I can't find these things again. Pieces of paper, thoughts, my car keys, etc. They must go in the same spot every time. Its highly frustrating. I have a vague recollection of typing this exact post before but without a reference it all drops away: I am lost. Not good when I have important paperwork to do.

This paperwork needs filled out for all the adults in the household. N3 refuses to pay anything!! I cant continue to support him at 18. He quit his job and refuses to get a new one. He just wants to visit with his girlfriend. He rarely ever practices piano either. I feel like wringing his neck!

Ooooooooooo my daughter is getting married!!!!! Soon, too, December! We're going dress shopping on the 17th. It will be so much fun. Ahhhh, what's the mother of the brides duties? I never was one for traditional but my daughter is, ah, I gotta go google

Tomorrow morning I have to get up early for my volunteering. I'm far from excited, but maybe it'll be better than I expect.


My sister didn't even know that I was unaware of my dad's release from the hospital. I wasn't even thinking about him much. She said my brother was at her house upset. Apparently he got home abd Dad was drunk. Surprise? I wrote my sister to tell my dad to pay his bills, finally, and quit the hospital visit charade. Why bother? I won't be visiting him any time soon, I'm afraid.

Hey everyone, trying to catch up, I had to take a step out of internet land and sort some stuff out and lose myself in ER and Shameless.. I totally lost track of days. Sleep is a on going struggle.

Well my Asthma despite the additional inhaler is I guess dug it’s heels in , still right side.. so Boom I’m going back on steroids, they can really screw up my Bipolar so it’s a slippery damn slope, but hey ! a girls gotta breath.

As some of you might remember the whole Florida trip fiasco, well I told my husband that the trips just can not go for more than 2 weeks. He doesn’t understand 100% how hard they are for me but he certainly doesn’t want me to suffer , so I felt a compromise was needed , I can’t just demand only 7 days. It’s not fair to him, so 2 weeks, we both feel it is fair. At least next trip I’ll have a date I know we will head home. Mentally this will really help. I’m glad I spent time deciding how best to start the conversation. I didn’t want him to feel defensive.

Saw my Rheumatologist last week , my liver enzymes have been a bit elevated. Started about May, so again it’s still elevated CBC and kidneys are fine thankfully.

So I will be referred to a GI for a liver work up . I already know I have a fatty liver. So we shall see, I’m not going to work myself up into a panic..

Hugs for anyone needing one, cookies too

Hey everyone, trying to catch up, I had to take a step out of internet land and sort some stuff out and lose myself in ER and Shameless.. I totally lost track of days. Sleep is a on going struggle.

Well my Asthma despite the additional inhaler is I guess dug it’s heels in , still right side.. so Boom I’m going back on steroids, they can really screw up my Bipolar so it’s a slippery damn slope, but hey ! a girls gotta breath.

As some of you might remember the whole Florida trip fiasco, well I told my husband that the trips just can not go for more than 2 weeks. He doesn’t understand 100% how hard they are for me but he certainly doesn’t want me to suffer , so I felt a compromise was needed , I can’t just demand only 7 days. It’s not fair to him, so 2 weeks, we both feel it is fair. At least next trip I’ll have a date I know we will head home. Mentally this will really help. I’m glad I spent time deciding how best to start the conversation. I didn’t want him to feel defensive.

Saw my Rheumatologist last week , my liver enzymes have been a bit elevated. Started about May, so again it’s still elevated CBC and kidneys are fine thankfully.

So I will be referred to a GI for a liver work up . I already know I have a fatty liver. So we shall see, I’m not going to work myself up into a panic..

Hugs for anyone needing one, cookies too

I'm not feeling well mentally. I accidentally missed my meds these past two days and it's taking a toll on me. Feeling low and unmotivated...

I can't take all of my meds during the day because they give me double vision and make my eyes move uncontrollably upward. Both the rexulti and the lamictal do it. So I've just been taking my ritalin and zoloft.

I hope everyone has a good day. I made a lot of progress at work yesterday despite feeling "off," so I hope today is just as productive despite me feeling so low.

If I'm lucky, the low feelings will go away within a few days.

Well, here we go again. Here I sit. Not wanting to shower for my therapy appointment. I woke up like 6 times last night. Horrible acid coming up in my sleep. Had to get up and get some water and go to the bathroom. Went back to sleep, woke up a couple hours later and the cycle just kept repeating over and over. I don't take antacids. I considered getting a ginger ale to help calm my stomach, but I don't drink soda. So that was a toss up, I just went back to bed and dealt with it. Now I feel like falling back asleep but I am reading the forums. So tired. Hope everyone is doing well.

I'm not feeling well mentally. I accidentally missed my meds these past two days and it's taking a toll on me. Feeling low and unmotivated...

I can't take all of my meds during the day because they give me double vision and make my eyes move uncontrollably upward. Both the rexulti and the lamictal do it. So I've just been taking my ritalin and zoloft.

I hope everyone has a good day. I made a lot of progress at work yesterday despite feeling "off," so I hope today is just as productive despite me feeling so low.

If I'm lucky, the low feelings will go away within a few days.

Oh my gosh so exciting!!!!!

I have no idea about duties. My mom just took over planning my wedding , it wasn’t worth the fight .. she had imagined it in her head since my birth so I just let her do it her way.

Honestly I’d need to google too lol

Enjoy!