Bipolar check in #39

3.5 hrs sleep, this sucks. Everything is so ****ing loud. I'm getting paranoid of PC. I'm always Hungry and know if I screw up I'll end up ip. So I'm walking a thin line

Do you have PRN meds to help you sleep?
can you take benadryl? that helps hubby sleep soundly.
sorry you are having a hard time.
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

I have ambien but I'm only suppose to take it if I haven't slept in 48 hrs.

Do you have a PRN? Even if not, can you check with your providers to see if it is ok to bump up your AP should psychosis start up? I know it can be hard to tell, but if you can still be on PC, maybe we could help with that(?)

Hi Blue!
It must be so anxiety provoking to be in this position.

How soon is the trip?

Is it possible to again mention your past experiences to your boss?
I don't know his personality and whether he might be upset with you or might just blow you off or might listen if you mention your concerns to him again?

The reason I am wondering if you might feel comfortable having this conversation with him again is: if he was busy when you'd tried to get your points across to him , he may have not heard you and/or just did not have the time/focus to process what you were saying to him?

I know when I was a manager, there were very many times when I did not clearly hear my staff. I was often too caught up in my own responsibilities. If a staff member had come to me again, letting me know s/he did not feel heard, I would be sure to set things aside and listen with complete focus.

Of course, I cannot assume your boss would behave in a similar manner. I do think it may be worth your while to again voice your concerns ? Might doing so harm you in any way?

I am hoping there might be some options prior to having to decide on looking into accomodations. I will say this: Your job is critical for your self-support. If you do have to request accomodations, I do think it might be very important to seek the advice of an attorney as soon as possible.

When I became "disabled," I had to make a decison as to whether I wanted to be fired (because I could not keep up with all of my responsibilites) or if I wanted to try to have a bit more control and, more income, by beating them to it , by requesting accomodations and eventually, having to deal with going onto total disability. So a part of the whole scene can sometimes be: beating them to the punch by being a step ahead.

This was just my own experience. (My immediate manager was very critical of everyone and was also very angry I'd requested any type of an accomodation. He told me is was his opinion that people who ask for accomodations should just resign. This had put me in a terrible position. Yet, at least he was upfront and I knew his stance.)

I realize I am coming in from a different angle. I just want to touch upon this topic as you consider all pertinent info/possibilities.

I am, in now way, suggesting you choose the option of requesting accomodations and/or ever will ever need the option for total disability.
These are very individual decisions.

I know you have much to consider.
Please do let me know if I can help in any way!
Much Love and Support

I am sorry you are having sleeping challenges.

I do think it is possible for insomnia to become , at least partially, a habit.
This from another insomniac! Lol.

I have found I need to re-assess my sleeping hygiene now and then. I may be doing, or not doing, something that adds to, or supports, the insomnia.

I have found, for instance, that taking calls from certain people will usually wreck my night of sleep. I no longer take/return those calls after 6pm, maybe earlier if possible.

I have had to take a look to see if there is, somehow, a reward for staying up late/all night. I no longer stay up to watch anything. I might find that liking certain shows, etc, might reward me for having stayed awake. If I truly want to watch any such show, I will watch it on demand or in another way.

There may be other habits or foods, even, that have a negative impact upon my sleep.

I also must take a look at my environment. How is the room temperature? How is the air? Dry, damp, dusty, other?

How is the noise, especially any intrusive noise? If you find there is too much noise there are white noise machines available at reasonable prices.

There may also be psychological reasons which support insomnia. These might include things like PTSD, sleep anxieties, overall anxiety, avoiding nightmares/night terrors, experiencing a change in mood, etc.

Yet another possible"motivator" for some people, might be somehow remaining sleep-deprived in order to avoid facing/dealing with responsibilities and/or events which occur in the daytime. This might be very unconscious.

If we are not careful, insomnia can become a chonic problem , possibly even a "habit" we can break once we are aware of the role it plays for us.

Sometimes, our insomnia is purely a side-effect of med(s).

I have been deeply examining my own factors/motivators which may be supporting my own chronic insomnia.

Whatever the reason(s) for your insomnia, I do hope you will find answers andwill be sleeping soundly as soon as possible.

I have such a hard time coping when everything gets loud,
I often must retreat to my own space (my bedroom) in order to avoid becoming too agitated.

What helps?

Try to focus upon what helps. You might even ask others what they find helpful when they are in your shoes? Try to keep your focus upon what DOES help, including what MIGHT help.

Sleep helps me and when I am missing sleep, my symptoms get worse and worse until I just cannot handle it. I then have to get some sleep somehow (safely, of course).

How would you end up in IP?
Would your H suggest IP?

As you know, it is best to address this asap. Do whatever you can do --safely--- to get some rest, preferably some sleep.

Well finally saw the Pulmonary Doctor. He thinks that my Humira injection I’m taking for psoriasis and PsA is to blame based on how long I have been on it , not long but long enough for this to appear. Less than 5% reported this problem. Arent I just lucky ?

He ordered a Stat Cat Scan which I went and had done, he did give me samples of Spiriva to take along with my Symbicort.

I see my rheumatologist the 14th so obviously we will have to decide which biologic to try next.

On to yet another major problem. I called my Drug plan through Humana to make sure it’s going to roll over into 2020. Yes but my premium will go from 4.75 a month to 30.00 and no one can tell me how each one of my meds will cost ... ummmmm ?!???

She said well go to social security and see if you still qualify for help due to low income SSDI. I said okay ... will they the notify you ? “ I don’t know” wtf??? Do you know anything? “ You should probably call us back after going to social security. “

I don’t know if they will look at just my SSDI or both my husbands and mine combined. Steve’s premium is already 43.00 and his meds are not cheap.

With what I have right now After I pay the first 50-75.00 at the first of the year all my meds then are zero cost. So I have no idea if I’ll be able to afford any let alone most biologics cost thousands of dollars a month out of pocket, sure I might qualify for help from the drug maker.. but if not I’ll just be covered in psoriasis and my joints will continue to be damaged until I can no longer walk ?? Let alone my inhalers and Fibromyalgia meds.

I know I’m a broken record but we are just scrapping by monthly. The only way this Florida trip for Christmas is going to happen is we sold gold jewelry most was broken chains but there were a few rings that had some sentimental value but hey we had to come up with a way to make this trip happen.

My anxiety is through the roof I took 2 Xanax and I should have just swallowed a tic-tac for all its doing right now.

We can just never catch a F’ing break.

FML

I wish I could give you a hug right now. I’m sorry this is happening.

Thanks

What helps? idk, I saw t today. She's frustrated with me. I'm irritated. I told her I maybe getting hypo manic. She doesn't want me to lay in bed all night. She wants me to get up and try to do something accomplish something and then go back to bed. I didn't tell her about the thoughts of sh. Which is why I'd end up ip. I wanted to look up videos of it last night. I'm thinking of giving up on therapy. I need to change them but I don't know how and I don't know what I need to change. My therapist wants me to go to a nutritionist. I don't get why I'm in such a good mood but wanting to damage myself so bad.

((((((~Christina ))))))

There is much to touch upon here.

I will keep it short for now.

I love you and I will do anything I can possibly do to help you to figure out what you will need and how to fund it. You are very, very good at this and probably need no help; however, sometimes when we are under a lot of stress, we can use some help.

As for the biologic meds, most, if not all, of the companies have a program or two for assisting patients. Mine (which you have already used an have moved on from) pays my co-pays, instead of giving 100% coverage. Those seem to be the two options -- either 100% coverage or co-pay coverage. Either way, it should not cost you much, if anything. I know even a minimal fee is a lot.

Let's hope you have choices in your biologic and also hope you will find there is plenty of coverage sponsored by the manufacturer. fingers crossed!

You know I will help in any way I can do so.

Breathe. don't jump to any conclusion yet. There is not enough info to know what is going to go on. You don't need this kind of challenge; however, I do think you can get through it. We just need to look at all options and, possibly, be creative, hoping for the best.

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

Please do let me know how I can be helpful.
I am here for you!

I had a very good day. I went to the building coffee social after all and had a great time and just up and left at the end when it got too loud. I was very quiet the whole time. I barely said a word. I am feeling like my old self, not manic, not depressed, just me. I like myself this way. I'm not perfect but i am pretty neat. I did a load of laundry and finally brushed my dog's fur which is getting so long and she looks super cute. It was the first snow of the season and so pretty and cold and refreshing. I read some of my Overeaters Anonymous (OA) book and really liked it and look forward to reading more about the program. Hugs to all who need them!

Thank you so so much. I’m sure I can get some biologic through drug company, it’s all the rest of my meds that has me freaking out. My husbands Symbicort is like 48 a month ! His deuoneb runs over 55 a month. Both of these are must haves for him to survive. It’s truly about population control.

Love you bunches !!! So lucky your in my life

I'm glad this doctor at least has some thoughts as to why your lungs have been so out of control. A possible answer is better than them just sending you on your way with more steroids.

So sorry about the insurance. That must be incredibly frustrsting and scary not knowing how you'll be able to access the medication you truly need.

I wish the process of travelling was less painful than it has been. It takes a lot out of you just to be able to go and it sucks travelling when you already feel depleted.

I'll be hoping that unexpected abundance begins to come your way. A random coupon here. A gift from a friend there. An offering from a stranger. An unexpected contest win. Something fun and random. I know money doesn't come out of thin air, but sometimes abundance can when you least expect it. Now seems like a good time to hope for miracles.

Huge hugs to you my friend. You're handling a continued difficult situation with grace as best you can.

I’ve been working hard on healing. Obsessively so. It’s taken over most of my life and much of my waking hours to where I’ve lost days at a time and haven’t noticed things around me. I have ruthlessly searched out and tried new treatments where I could. I’ve moved the goal posts quite a distance and still realize I may be tilting at wind mills.

I lost a good friendship due to my obsession. It hurts...it really does. I got some good advice tonight from a very wise soul: grieve the loss, reflect on it and learn from it and celebrate the good times you shared. I’m doing that now.

Thanks for letting me share that. It helps to get it out.

Warm wishes to all and hugs to those that need them.

(((((( Jennifer )))))):

I am sorry for the loss.

I have found I can become so interested in something that I neglect other areas of my life, including important relationships. I tend to think all will be okay if I am busy with an endeavor I see a "positive." However, in some cases, it might be me all wrapped up in something and missing the most important things/people right in front of me.

There have been times in my life when I have wondered if I was so single-minded in a way that helped me to avoid the parts of everyday living I wanted to ignore and/or just wanted to catch a breakfromthe stress I was feeling.

I try to keep thing balanced. Is not always easy.

Again, I am sorry for the loss. I can feel your pain.
Don't be hard on yourself. You do enough of that as it is.

I am here for you, anytime. I think you know this.

If it helps I'll share that before I got sick I was doing a lot of healing work on myself. I essentially 'healed' myself sick and drew out a mental illness in the process. Sometimes we become so hyperfocused on the inner work that we lose sight of the outer world. I made that exact mistake. The darkest parts of my inner world came forward and my mind shattered. It was a terribly ugly and painful process.

It is really hard to balance when you want to experience wellness so badly that you're willing to push yourself hard. I've learned now that a lot of the healing comes in the moment when we focus and connect there. I kept missing that when I was focused more on my inner world. I'm trying now to go within briefly to look for themes of what I need to work on and then live my life. Those same themes then usually manifest in the outer world one way or another allowing me to put the work into practice. The timing is random and sometimes it goes slower than I would like, but the work gets done.

I believe we are here to connect fully in the moment and experience this world and all of the amazing things it has to offer us. I used to feel oppositely as though the important part of life was hidden somehow and I had to discover it. It isn't. The most important things are right in front of our faces in plain sight if we only have eyes to see!

I was way too hyperfocused for a while and lost sight of that. It left my spirit raw and weak. I'd suggest taking a step back and just get back to being a good person in your daily tasks for a while. Hold gratitude for the experiences and you might find like I did they hold all you need to do the work as you go along. You may still need to spend time reflecting and setting intention, but you'll find it more like maintenance and less like the main event.

Your 'mistake' will serve you well in the end. You are wise to realize it and you can learn a lot from it if you so desire. That's actually you doing 'the work'. You just jumped up a level!

Thank you for sharing your story. There are a lot of nuggets of wisdom in there. I think your suggestion is very wise and I will implement it instantly. Thank you for your support.

Happy to help! You're getting a lot of support here for healing and all you had to do was share and open your heart to it. Easy peasy!

You have beautiful energy and you radiate it every time we cross paths. You've got so much going for you. I'm excited to see where you go from here.

Jennifer,

Thanks so much for your message!
You're a gem!

I feel you may be still grieving for all you have lost, including perhaps, your sense of self?
We all go through this. You needn't go through this alone.

You are loved here!

I remain hopeful for your healing.

Much Love to You!

Thank you so very much

You did get some fantastic advice. I can’t think of much more to add other than just be especially kind to yourself while you go through the process

Well of course I did my research. Asthma flares, difficultly breathing and being really SOB with activity is all there in black and white. The numbers are 0.1% - 1 %

I’m just so lucky

I still need to do a full Pulmonary functions test. That’s the 19th.

So now the 14th my rheumatologist and I need to decide what’s next.

I’m so very discouraged right now

I am sorry that you are going thru this. I believe you will get a better med mix. It might just be a while.
Sorry you are suffering.
((((((HUGS))))))
bizi