[~Christina]

Yes grieving......

First off I have absolutely no problem accepting I have Bipolar.

As for my pain and other health problem ?? Fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, spinal stenosis, psoriasis, PsA arthritis , never ending asthma.

What really has me walking in circles?

Bipolar wise I’m really not having “ mood episodes” yes I’ve had some real tough situational stuff and I’ve had to work through. Lots of anger and rage-y stuff .. I have times of being down, again it’s really more situational.

As you all know my husband has emphysema and on oxygen at night. It is a terminal diagnosis. I watch him like a hawk to catch it quick if he starts to get any kind of lung funk. I have no idea when he will eventually need oxygen 24/7. maybe next month or next year , or year after , there’s really no time table. The main thing is keeping him from getting sick. I’m always on high alert watching him carefully.

Today at the hospital I saw lots of people in scrubs running in the parking lots, probably late for work.

But as I huffed and puffed just to walk a long ways to get to the GI office.. I use to be one of those people jogging, I loved running, I loved waking up in the morning and not just feel all the pain and so much stiffness and swollen joints. Some days I can stretch and be a bit better in an hour, somedays the stiffness and pain never goes away. PSA is awful.

Fibromyalgia is terrible. I can of explain it like “ you know how bad your body felt like when you had the flu ??ok multiply by 100000.

I’m 52 and physically feel like I’m 89

Every medical office I go to I’m reminded I can’t work .. I use to be that front desk person, I use to work back office with the doctors, I use to do medical billing .. every where I go I see WHAT I should be doing. Not this SSDI, not scraping by monthly. I’m just very angry at myself, my broken body and inability to really change it all to be what I was 13 years ago. Yes anger.

Ok I am NOT sharing to get attention or sympathy. NO NO NO NO NO

I just wanted a thread where we can come and mourn what mental or physical illness has taken from us.

Go~~~~~

[daggy]

How does one grieve something that was never known?
Just the simple things in life are hard sometimes. I grieve the life I never got to have
I have learnt there are no winners trying to see what ailment is worse as the pain both mentally and physically is different for each one of us.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by daggy

How does one grieve something that was never known?
Just the simple things in life are hard sometimes. I grieve the life I never got to have
I have learnt there are no winners trying to see what ailment is worse as the pain both mentally and physically is different for each one of us.

Yes of course if a person never could do X this thread wouldn’t be helpful....

I’m certainly not talking about comparing apples to oranges. Pain is personal there is no way to compare pain.

What part of life that you never got to have ??? You don’t have to answer that , just curious.

What prompted me to start this thread is for people whose life has literally flipped and they lose the ability to do what they use to ... it all was just easy, something you always just took for granted.

[daggy]

I took life for granted and had to adapt for better or worse.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by daggy

I took life for granted and had to adapt for better or worse.

Thanks for sharing that. It’s a big thing

[*Beth*]

First of all, my heart goes out to you, Christina. And thank you for posting the idea for this thread. It is so very, very valuable to have a place to grieve the losses that health problems have presented us with.

I believe that I was born with bipolar disorder. As a child I was severely depressed and anxious, with uncontrollable rage episodes and vicious migraines. The environment...my mother was seriously mentally ill and life was terribly hard for me. Back in those years a child was either a "good" kid or a "bad" kid and I never knew any child to receive psychiatric care, or even counseling (I'm 56). I certainly needed help with my mental health.

But I'll pare it all down and say that the harshest loss I feel is the weight gain from medication. I was always thin, and pretty. I was a dancer (ballet and modern). People would comment on my grace. I absolutely loved dancing and fashion, being creative with fashion.

After about ten years of antipsychotics I have gained exactly 143lbs. As a result, I am in constant pain, have arthritis in my knees, tendonitis, high blood pressure (and the side effects of hypertensive medication). High cholesterol and elevated glucose.

Last week a woman at the place where I'm receiving physical therapy told me about a store where "fat ladies like us" can find nice clothes. Then she laughed and said, "But we did it to ourselves, didn't we?!"

I died inside. How did I go from being lovely to being a "fat lady"? And I didn't do it to myself! I've always eaten a healthy diet. And I was never, never haughty about my appearance - I took it for granted. I was the first one to feel so sorry for women who believed they had to diet. I couldn't understand why they didn't like their bodies.

But now I understand. I mean, I don't hate my body...I hate that I've had to feed it God-knows-what stuff that's in pills that has made me gain far more than I weighed to begin with.

At the risk of sounding absurdly superficial I'll have to say that I grieve for my appearance - and for the better health that I had before gaining so many pounds.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by BethRags

First of all, my heart goes out to you, Christina. And thank you for posting the idea for this thread. It is so very, very valuable to have a place to grieve the losses that health problems have presented us with.

I believe that I was born with bipolar disorder. As a child I was severely depressed and anxious, with uncontrollable rage episodes and vicious migraines. The environment...my mother was seriously mentally ill and life was terribly hard for me. Back in those years a child was either a "good" kid or a "bad" kid and I never knew any child to receive psychiatric care, or even counseling (I'm 56). I certainly needed help with my mental health.

But I'll pare it all down and say that the harshest loss I feel is the weight gain from medication. I was always thin, and pretty. I was a dancer (ballet and modern). People would comment on my grace. I absolutely loved dancing and fashion, being creative with fashion.

After about ten years of antipsychotics I have gained exactly 143lbs. As a result, I am in constant pain, have arthritis in my knees, tendonitis, high blood pressure (and the side effects of hypertensive medication). High cholesterol and elevated glucose.

Last week a woman at the place where I'm receiving physical therapy told me about a store where "fat ladies like us" can find nice clothes. Then she laughed and said, "But we did it to ourselves, didn't we?!"

I died inside. How did I go from being lovely to being a "fat lady"? And I didn't do it to myself! I've always eaten a healthy diet. And I was never, never haughty about my appearance - I took it for granted. I was the first one to feel so sorry for women who believed they had to diet. I couldn't understand why they didn't like their bodies.

But now I understand. I mean, I don't hate my body...I hate that I've had to feed it God-knows-what stuff that's in pills that has made me gain far more than I weighed to begin with.

At the risk of sounding absurdly superficial I'll have to say that I grieve for my appearance - and for the better health that I had before gaining so many pounds.

Every bit of that I can fully relate too

It’s NOT at all superficial to grieve your appearance !!!!

Thank you so much for sharing and just opening up and being flat out honest

[HALLIEBETH87]

I don’t have chronic pain issues but I get the emotional ones. I mourn my lost childhood. It’s undoubtedly made my mental illness worse. Thanks ptsd. I try not to but I really wish I could be the care free person I was before my abuser came along. As for working...I wish I still could work full time. I get very overwhelmed working part time but I try to keep
It to myself. This job right now is killing my stability. It’s like I never get ahead.

I’m always in the back. Yes I’m going to try school again but part of me doesn’t expect I’ll make it. Just being realistic.

I also grieve my skinny half way decent looking self. I’ve become fat, ugly and dumb.

[Moose72]

Count me in. Im fat and sick. This is why Im trying a more healthful diet. Problem is that I hardly have any money to buy groceries. Ive been directed to food banks. Guess I should go there, huh? I have 3 months to make some improvement.

I'll start off slightly off topic and say that the worst grief in my life was as a result of losing my mother about 14 plus years ago, when I was 33 years old. I have progressed through the grieving process, but the feeling of loss for her will likely never disappear. In the early years after her death, I was severely ill. She wasn't the only reason. My illness had been bad before even knowing she would leave us. Now more on topic:

My employer held my job for about 3 1/2 years of multiple hospitalizations and multi-month PHP/IOPs. During those 3 1/2 years, I attempted to return to work again and again, starting part-time. Only once did I reach full-time again before subsequent hospitalizations. I remember after my first hospitalization, I was in a PHP/IOP for six months. My therapist there strongly discouraged me from returning to that job, but I did anyway. I kept trying to hold on to that career position. I had worked very hard over the years before to move up the corporate ladder. Even within those 3 1/2 years, when briefly back at work, I tried so hard to make a positive mark there. During the full-time portion, I was achieving some great things, and was on the road to becoming a director in either the sales or marketing groups. The CEO/President even told my husband of that plan during one of my hospitalizations. They wanted me back. However, too much time passed with too many hospitalizations. They couldn't hold my position anymore. I was terminated. Obviously, I grieved this loss severely. As time went by, even when recovering to various degrees, I realized that such a stressful position was no longer in my future. That's a hard pill to swallow for a very career-oriented person.

I'd be lying if I said I was no longer grieving "what could have been", but the grief has eased. I do believe that worthwhile things are ahead of me, but they will surely be different things.

[Wild Coyote]

Hi ~Christina and All,

~Christina, I have a similar experience to yours, with many of the same dx.

I, too, find the physically painful illnesses both more limiting and , thus, cause me more grief.

I, too, mourn the changes in various abilities.

I was often "Female Athlete of the Year," and had served in various appointments and positions my entire life.

For example, one of my appointments was that of a Human Rights Officer within a large inpatient psychiatric hospital. Another was an as a member of a Judical Review Board, where we gave those with various types law violations opportunities to perform community service in place of serving time or paying extremely high fines.

I have thoroughly enjoyed serving my community. Community service has been incredibly important to me. I am deeply saddened to not be able to serve in those types of appointments as my conditions have progressed..

I have worked very hard to change regulations and laws to benefit both people and animals, with great success. Some of these were achieved long after the onset of a disabilities. I mention this in hopes of encouraging everyone to identify, and to employ, the abilities/talents they do have.

I also find the physical disabilities exacerbate the psych disabilities and the reverse is true, as well.

I have been totally medically disabled for over 30 years now. I have been able to make an impact, at times, as mentioned above, despite limitations.
As time has gone on, conditions have progressed. I have found the grieving process is ongoing.

As many know, this is an especially difficult year for me. I do not understand how someone who accepted 27 years of an incredible amount of support, deep devotion and unconditional love would jump ship when needed the most. This life event reminds me of my many personal challenges. Some may not be absolute truth. Most are very real/concrete. ( I have to find help for around the house , help with errands, help getting to appts. etc. When on strong pain medications, I will not drive, for example.)

I have also been dealing with renewal/approval of disability claim(s) Yes, after 30+ years of prior disability certifaction/approval, I am again in this position for some, yet unexplained, reason. This process details every aspect of disability. This process often causes an increased awareness of limitations and is likely to cause the associated grief to surface..

The fall-out and related grief has continued throughout the entire 30+ years in my experience. At the same time, there have been some very rewarding experiences, for sure.

It's criticallyimportant to view ourselves as whole Beings with lots to offer. We often have so much to offer due to our experiences and the related insights we have gained. I have found that finding my way through this myriad of challenges has brought about a tremendous amount of growth on all levels. Most notably, these challenges have assisted me in my Spiritual growth.

I have found it's helpful to live in the Present Moment, moving forward by (mindfully, hopefully) putting one foot in front of the other.

It has been very challenging, no doubt.

Love, Comfort and Healing for All!

[Sunflower123]

Thank you for this thread Christina. My heart goes out to you with everything you’ve got on your plate. You are in my prayers.

I used to work 50-60 hours a week while working towards my MBA and CPA and raising a toddler. I was married for 19 years and had a nice house, well paying job and dream sports car. Exercised every day...kept a spotless house and had an active social life. It all came tumbling down with my illness. Granted...I couldn’t stay married to an *** who didn’t understand or accept mental illness but I grieve the loss of everything else including the potential.

I still have a close bond with my daughter so I am grateful for that.

Compared to that woman...this woman is vastly different and struggles every day....some days to even get off the couch or out of bed. I grow very, very weary at times.

I hear you about living on SSDI as well. It’s definitely a challenge.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by HALLIEBETH87

I don’t have chronic pain issues but I get the emotional ones. I mourn my lost childhood. It’s undoubtedly made my mental illness worse. Thanks ptsd. I try not to but I really wish I could be the care free person I was before my abuser came along. As for working...I wish I still could work full time. I get very overwhelmed working part time but I try to keep

It to myself. This job right now is killing my stability. It’s like I never get ahead.


I’m always in the back. Yes I’m going to try school again but part of me doesn’t expect I’ll make it. Just being realistic.


I also grieve my skinny half way decent looking self. I’ve become fat, ugly and dumb.

Thank you for being open and honest

You and I have had a long friendship outside PC and I love having you in my life.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Moose72

Count me in. Im fat and sick. This is why Im trying a more healthful diet. Problem is that I hardly have any money to buy groceries. Ive been directed to food banks. Guess I should go there, huh? I have 3 months to make some improvement.

I fully understand. Thank you

You have struggled greatly raising your kids barely holding on by your fingertips. But YOU have done it!

Yes I have to change my foods after seeing the GI yesterday.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

I'll start off slightly off topic and say that the worst grief in my life was as a result of losing my mother about 14 plus years ago, when I was 33 years old. I have progressed through the grieving process, but the feeling of loss for her will likely never disappear. In the early years after her death, I was severely ill. She wasn't the only reason. My illness had been bad before even knowing she would leave us. Now more on topic:


My employer held my job for about 3 1/2 years of multiple hospitalizations and multi-month PHP/IOPs. During those 3 1/2 years, I attempted to return to work again and again, starting part-time. Only once did I reach full-time again before subsequent hospitalizations. I remember after my first hospitalization, I was in a PHP/IOP for six months. My therapist there strongly discouraged me from returning to that job, but I did anyway. I kept trying to hold on to that career position. I had worked very hard over the years before to move up the corporate ladder. Even within those 3 1/2 years, when briefly back at work, I tried so hard to make a positive mark there. During the full-time portion, I was achieving some great things, and was on the road to becoming a director in either the sales or marketing groups. The CEO/President even told my husband of that plan during one of my hospitalizations. They wanted me back. However, too much time passed with too many hospitalizations. They couldn't hold my position anymore. I was terminated. Obviously, I grieved this loss severely. As time went by, even when recovering to various degrees, I realized that such a stressful position was no longer in my future. That's a hard pill to swallow for a very career-oriented person.


I'd be lying if I said I was no longer grieving "what could have been", but the grief has eased. I do believe that worthwhile things are ahead of me, but they will surely be different things.

I also lost my dad in 97and Mom in 2004, I was destroyed . All my grandparents lived in there 90’s I just thought I’d have them in my life a lot longer not be an orphan in my 30’s ! I can so relate to that loss.

Losing a job that you loved

Than you for sharing so much

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Hi ~Christina and All,


~Christina, I have a similar experience to yours, with many of the same dx.


I, too, find the physically painful illnesses both more limiting and , thus, cause me more grief.


I, too, mourn the changes in various abilities.


I was often "Female Athlete of the Year," and had served in various appointments and positions my entire life.


For example, one of my appointments was that of a Human Rights Officer within a large inpatient psychiatric hospital. Another was an as a member of a Judical Review Board, where we gave those with various types law violations opportunities to perform community service in place of serving time or paying extremely high fines.


I have thoroughly enjoyed serving my community. Community service has been incredibly important to me. I am deeply saddened to not be able to serve in those types of appointments as my conditions have progressed..


I have worked very hard to change regulations and laws to benefit both people and animals, with great success. Some of these were achieved long after the onset of a disabilities. I mention this in hopes of encouraging everyone to identify, and to employ, the abilities/talents they do have.


I also find the physical disabilities exacerbate the psych disabilities and the reverse is true, as well.


I have been totally medically disabled for over 30 years now. I have been able to make an impact, at times, as mentioned above, despite limitations.

As time has gone on, conditions have progressed. I have found the grieving process is ongoing.


As many know, this is an especially difficult year for me. I do not understand how someone who accepted 27 years of an incredible amount of support, deep devotion and unconditional love would jump ship when needed the most. This life event reminds me of my many personal challenges. Some may not be absolute truth. Most are very real/concrete. ( I have to find help for around the house , help with errands, help getting to appts. etc. When on strong pain medications, I will not drive, for example.)


I have also been dealing with renewal/approval of disability claim(s) Yes, after 30+ years of prior disability certifaction/approval, I am again in this position for some, yet unexplained, reason. This process details every aspect of disability. This process often causes an increased awareness of limitations and is likely to cause the associated grief to surface..


The fall-out and related grief has continued throughout the entire 30+ years in my experience. At the same time, there have been some very rewarding experiences, for sure.


It's criticallyimportant to view ourselves as whole Beings with lots to offer. We often have so much to offer due to our experiences and the related insights we have gained. I have found that finding my way through this myriad of challenges has brought about a tremendous amount of growth on all levels. Most notably, these challenges have assisted me in my Spiritual growth.


I have found it's helpful to live in the Present Moment, moving forward by (mindfully, hopefully) putting one foot in front of the other.


It has been very challenging, no doubt.


Love, Comfort and Healing for All!

I’m sorry that such important work has been impossible to continue.

In your current unbelievable struggle ? How a person can literally live a separate life? And for so long .... I just , well my friend you know how I feel about it and you always.

You do have many mountains to navigate and find solutions , I know you will manage but it’s just terrible things have happened this way.

Thank you for being so willing to give us a look into your life and struggles

Love you

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

Thank you for this thread Christina. My heart goes out to you with everything you’ve got on your plate. You are in my prayers.


I used to work 50-60 hours a week while working towards my MBA and CPA and raising a toddler. I was married for 19 years and had a nice house, well paying job and dream sports car. Exercised every day...kept a spotless house and had an active social life. It all came tumbling down with my illness. Granted...I couldn’t stay married to an *** who didn’t understand or accept mental illness but I grieve the loss of everything else including the potential.


I still have a close bond with my daughter so I am grateful for that.


Compared to that woman...this woman is vastly different and struggles every day....some days to even get off the couch or out of bed. I grow very, very weary at times.


I hear you about living on SSDI as well. It’s definitely a challenge.

Thank you Jennifer

You have certainly had your life take a unwelcome turn. Professional losing so much that you worked so hard for

But you raised a wonderful daughter. That is something I am grateful myself. And that is a wonderful gift for our daughters.

Thank you for being open and speak on something:s: that is hard to do

[~Christina]

Duplicate post

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I fully understand. Thank you

Moose ( J) I also want to add .... you have raised kids when you have been hanging in by your fingertips. Be very proud of yourself

[Nammu]

I barrowed mums walker to go to the mall today. I would never have been able to walk that far without it. I used to love walking. When I lived in the twin cities I got rid of my car and walked or bussed most places. I'd never be able to do that now. Having to carry groceries for blocks, living on 2and 3 story walk ups. I'm only 60 and 80 year olds passed me in the mall. The loss of physical freedom is harder to deal with than the mood swings.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Nammu

I barrowed mums walker to go to the mall today. I would never have been able to walk that far without it. I used to love walking. When I lived in the twin cities I got rid of my car and walked or bussed most places. I'd never be able to do that now. Having to carry groceries for blocks, living on 2and 3 story walk ups. I'm only 60 and 80 year olds passed me in the mall. The loss of physical freedom is harder to deal with than the mood swings.

I’m sorry you also struggle with such health problems. But continue using your tool ( walker) for your own safety. It is maddening to see people so much older in better physical shape.

You regardless of dealing with BP just keep going about life no matter the obstacles.

Thank you for sharing something I imagine is very difficult to do so.

[Pookyl]

I’ve grieved long and hard about my career and for the person I was prior to diagnosis.

My prediagnosis personality was a Type A. 100 miles an hour. Post diagnosis very best case scenario is that I’m a content plodder who needs AP’s just to function at a basic level.

I’ve said it in another thread that it’s been difficult to go from being a someone who e.g. implemented the gold standard in neonatal ventilation to a nobody who has to colour in just to practise mindfulness. I used to have so much positive influence and impact on the world around me and now I have none.

I’m also physically/medically limited but was always able to work through and around any limitations. E.g I’m the oldest living person in Australia with my set of problems including a herniated brain stem. Being mentally unstable has been far more devastating for me than any of my medical diagnoses.

Bipolar has broken me and I can’t be fixed and that makes me sad.

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I also lost my dad in 97and Mom in 2004, I was destroyed . All my grandparents lived in there 90’s I just thought I’d have them in my life a lot longer not be an orphan in my 30’s ! I can so relate to that loss.

Losing a job that you loved

Than you for sharing so much

How absolutely horrible that you lost both of your parents so young! I'm sorry. I'm glad that you have your hubby, child(ren), and grand baby. I imagine that helps having generations to follow.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

How absolutely horrible that you lost both of your parents so young! I'm sorry. I'm glad that you have your hubby, child(ren), and grand baby. I imagine that helps having generations to follow.

Thank you BirdDancer

Yeah my Dad to Leukemua and then my more had a heart condition and had always said she hoped she would just fall asleep and not wake up. She had actually decided to retire from being a Hair stylist. It would have been her last day. I’m grateful she got her wish, instead of fighting for 2 years like my father did.

I just have my daughter and I’m so grateful. My husband has 3 sons and we get alone ok, but when I was just a mess and suicidal , my husband and I decided our marriage was just over, his sons basically hated me ( long story) they were all adults.. we “ get along ok” but I still think they feel I’m just the bytch there dad married. It’s all so complicated.

Steve always insists I’m Payton’s grandmother, but I just don’t feel it. I love her to pieces. But if my husband were to die I’d likely never see anyone after the funeral and they take any of his things they want.

My daughter also has BP I and has decided she will never have children, she wouldn’t want to pass along BP but she flat out admits she just could never do everything a mom needs to do to raise a child, so I’m glad she understands her own limitations. I do have a grandkitty names Cosmo.

Life is so weird

[*Beth*]

It's worth noting that everyone on this thread has described ourselves, as I understand it, as formerly highly motivated. I've noticed that this is a classic situation with bipolar disorder...type A or similar, then an early/mid-life crash down. I wonder if the cause of that is the disorder itself or the medication to treat the disorder?