What would you do?

I am stuck between a rock and a hard place right now. I have not talked to my oldest sister in about 10 years now as she really wronged myself and my parents but I am not going to get into that. My problem is my sister is dying of cancer I really have no desire to see her or even go to the funeral when she does die. I have no desire to set things right and I dont honestly have any bad feelings about her dying and it is not in a spiteful way either. I honestly just dont know what I feel at the moment I mean I have no feelings in this and it is kind of weird to just feel neutral about my sister dying she is my sister but I got her out of my life all those years ago and just dont know. I am mostly writing this to just to try to figure out my thoughts and emotions and if anyone has gone through something like this what did you do? Thanks

Hi otroo. Since you refer to her as your "oldest sister", I can't help but to assume you have other siblings? And are either or both of your parents alive? I only ask because if you do have these other relatives, perhaps you might ask them to talk to your sister about what she'd like. That is, if you're willing to face the possibility of her saying she'd like to see you. Of course, if it were the case that your sister would want to see you, I imagine I'd only go if that sister promised to make the last interaction positive in some way shape or form. An apology from her? Or at the least some kind of goodbye accompanied with better memories.

It's ultimately up to you. I do not think you should feel guilty about your feelings towards her or even skipping her funeral. I do understand how you feel. None of my siblings or I ever liked my maternal grandmother, and unfortunately she was the last grandparent standing (the other three were loving people). She verbally abused my mother almost up until my mother's death. Yes, she outlived her own daughter! She verbally abused my siblings and me most of the years we knew her. Even when she died, she totally slighted my siblings and me. We never did anything to deserve such treatment. I suppose we could say that my maternal grandmother was mentally unwell, in some way. Otherwise, it's flat out mysterious why she abused us and my mother, and yet not my maternal uncle or his adopted son. My siblings and I did go to my maternal grandmother's funeral, but it was not for her or for us. We only went because my mother surely would have wanted us to go, despite the abuse she received.

I am not religious, therefore I do not believe in the concept of evil. As mentioned, I rather think something was wrong with my maternal grandmother psychologically. For that reason, I try not to hold a grudge against her. That doesn't mean I will ever like her actions or thinking. It's a sad shame for everyone involved, including her. That's my version of taking the high road.

I have a 1 older brother and 2 older sisters and both my parents are still alive. None of us but my sister speak to this one and my sister only reached out to her after she was first diagnosed with cancer. I think I am just going to let sleeping dogs lay as they say lol.

I can understand that, otroo. I do hope you have good relationships with your parents and/or some or all of your other siblings. Take care!

Hey, otroo. I really appreciate what you and BirdDancer have had to say on this thread. I agree that you are under no obligation to suddenly feel the need to see this sister, just because she is sick. What happened between you two happened and you have gotten where you are by taking the steps you felt appropriate. That, obviously, has included not having contact with her.

I have not spoken to my only and older sibling in 7 years. It was the right thing to do, as he completely abandoned me when I became psychotic in 2007-8ish. He was also quite mean to my daughter when she was just a baby. Jerk. He is older and, were he to pass before me (and I doubt that will happen), I don't think I would attend the service. It would be disingenuous, in my opinion. Why pretend like things were okay? They weren't. It's more honest.

So, go with your gut, I say. Whatever you choose will be fine. But I would not go if you are feeling obligated on the one hand but really, really don't want to go on the other. Why make yourself super-uncomfortable? She won't be around to see it anyway!

This is a delicate situation to navigate. Outside opinions only know a portion of the facts so that may complicate what we're saying, too. Simply put, to introduce my thought, is that you ought to give some serious consideration to going.


My reason I feel going might be a good idea is because the whole picture includes more than just the two of you. Your decision to stay away would also impact your relationships with your siblings and could quite possibly sour them. You don't have to go with a bubbly, effusive demeanor to make it look like everything was great between the two of you, Just be present for the rest of your family. I think that would serve you the best in the long run. I think so, but I'm not a master of relationships so I don't mind if you tell me I've painted the bigger picture all wrong. A'best as you work this out.

I just wanted to toss this out... Seeing someone and paying your respects is not the same thing as setting things right. Setting things right is not required to honor your sister if you wish to. She is the person who wronged you, but she is also the person she was before that, the child you probably played with and the person she is now. I'd suggest doing a bit of soul searching to see if there's any chance you'd have regrets if you didn't say goodbye. Living with regret is tough.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It must be difficult.

Regardless of who wronged who, it is messed up in my opinion to not go to her funeral. That's like getting the last laugh on something that is trivial, but inflates your ego temporarily. You have to also think about your family and how they will view you if you do something as spiteful as not going to her funeral. There must be children somewhere in your family, what kind of example does that set for them? Maybe there is a mom or dad still alive, to them you are their children, no matter how old you are now, to them you are still their children. How would you like it if you were in the same situation? Lets say you get into a horrible accident of some kind, and YOU are the one that is dying in a hospital somewhere, what would happen if you received a gift or a card from her? In all, I just think its rotten to do something like this to someone you once loved and are blood. One day, maybe not soon after, but one day you will regret not going. For one of the reasons I have mentioned or even other reasons. I think you really need to be mature when it comes to something like this, because in my opinion its childish. That is my 2 cents on this. You don't have to accept my opinion, but you are the one that asked the question here on this.

If you want my opinion, @otroo, I'd say you're in no obligation to go if you don't feel like it. But with that said, it is also true that it may be the last time you'll be able to see her. I'd have a serious thinking aboutr this and perhaps even discuss ALL of this with your other sibilings and your own parents as well if you haven't already, why not? After that, you'll be able to make up your own mind. If you still decide to not go, that's ok. It is your decision. I just want to encourage you to consider ALL options before making a definitive choice. You can even decide to visit your Sister at the Hospital but not attend her Funeral. Lots of people do that, actually, although for different reasons than yours. Or perhaps only go to the Funeral. Your choice! In any case, I am TRULY, DEEPLY SORRY that you, your Sister, your Family, your Relatives and your Sibilings are going through ALL of this! Please be kind to yourself and to others as well. It is an hard situation for ALL of you. I am sure you'll make the right and best decision. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @otroo, your Family, your Friends, your Sister, your Sibiling, your Parents, your Therapists, your Doctors, your Pdocs, your Nurses and ALL of your Loved Ones! I'll keep your Sister and ALL OF YOU in my Thoughts and Prayers! I Hope and Pray things will turn out well for your Sister and ALL OF YOU! Keep fighting and keep rocking! I'm thinking of ALL OF YOU! Keep fighting and keep rocking no matter what happens, ok?

I so feel for you. What a rotten position to be in. There is, however, a chance to provide support to your other family members without approving of whatever your sister did to you.

All in all, I agree with ....

Quote:

Originally Posted by Daonnachd This is a delicate situation to navigate. Outside opinions only know a portion of the facts so that may complicate what we're saying, too. Simply put, to introduce my thought, is that you ought to give some serious consideration to going. My reason I feel going might be a good idea is because the whole picture includes more than just the two of you. Your decision to stay away would also impact your relationships with your siblings and could quite possibly sour them. You don't have to go with a bubbly, effusive demeanor to make it look like everything was great between the two of you, Just be present for the rest of your family. I think that would serve you the best in the long run. I think so, but I'm not a master of relationships so I don't mind if you tell me I've painted the bigger picture all wrong. A'best as you work this out.

I'm sorry you are facing this. I went through a similar situation early this year. My father who I had not spoken to in 20 years had a stroke and spent 2 months dying. It was very hard to know what to do but ultimately my brother and I decided that we needed to go say goodbye. I am glad we did and that I had a chance to say things I really needed to say to him. For me that meant I told him that I forgave him, that I truly didn't understand the choices he had made and that I was sad for him. And I prayed for him. I think that part made him mad but too bad. He held my hand tightly the whole time (he had a tube down his throat and couldn't talk) and I'm glad my final memories are what they are.

People told me to be sure that I made decisions I could live with because I would never get another chance. For my sister and half-brother that choice was to maintain the broken relationship. For my brother it was to go into the room but really say nothing. For me it was to really offer my heart. I think each of us is glad we made the decision we made; it was right for us.

I hope you find peace. I think that is the best outcome from these situations even though it can mean so many different things and can be confusing and sad.

Speaking as a sister who had cancer, underwent intensive but successful treatment, and does not have contact with surviving siblings my answer would be...sorry about this...stay out of my life. I have people in my life who care about me and I care about them. No need for strangers showing up because of DNA obligations only. When bridges burn there is a very good reason. You have no idea her story or who she has become. Live your own life.

Personally I would go with no real expectations. But at least that way you won’t have to live with regret that you would have to somehow put to rest.

My aunt got mad at her SIL years ago and flat refused to speak to her and anytime her brother tried to smooth things over, his wife wanted things to be okay again. So her brother stopped reaching out. Well his wife Gisela was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. My other aunt really tried to get her to go visit , her brother really hoped she would and called repeatedly to ask. I practically begged her to go .. My aunt Randi refused, she also refused to go to the service. I was furious. Her brother just stopped talking to her , I legit couldn’t talk to my aunt for months.

Anyway now my Aunt regrets it all so much , but she can’t fix it, she lives with that regret now and always will.

You don’t have to all at once be best friends and the past forgotten. But I have known many people who have not seen family members before they die and all regret it.

Do you have a T you can talk to about this with???

A friend of mine wasn't talking to his grandmother because she was toxic to his mother. He saw her near her end, and went to the funeral. The will gratuitously and absolutely screwed over his mother, and he spent months feeling sick that he had carried his grandmothers coffin, and shown her respect that she didn't deserve. He regretted going against his instincts to stay away.

Gee, you're getting a lot of conflicting advice here. I won't give any of my own and just remind you that it is YOUR decision. YOU are the one who has to live with it and only YOU can know what is best for you. I worry that the posts here are just making it MORE difficult for you. Listen to YOURSELF.

Be well my friend!

Sometimes we get into a place where we just want to move on. I'm at that point right now - not talking to my mother, a MAJOR trigger for me as she expected me to be *so much more* than I am now.......long story. Anyway, I suppose you need to go through a cost-benefit analysis. What would it mean to you? Would reconnecting help or hurt? Or, perhaps more pointedly, would it simply be neutral and make you look like you took the high road? As I said, sometimes we simply reach the breaking point and we move on for our own good. IMO, if you've chosen to improve, there's no reason to go back.