[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Daonnachd

Heya, I just got ECT last Friday so I'm feeling good despite losing our insurance. In fact, I'm in the process of applying for state assistance just to cover meds and appointments.
My thanks to Wild Coyote for sending a message inviting me to stop by.

I’m so sorry you are losing your insurance. Hopefully you can get state assistance to continue your ECT on a regular basis , I know that really helps with your stability.

I'm feeling anxious today. I think it's withdrawal from the Zoloft. Stupid pdoc's assistant! I am mad at her!

I called up the front desk and asked to speak to my pdoc directly because I don't want to deal with that lady. I was able to leave a message with the front desk and they called my pdoc, who sent in a script. Sounds good, right? Well... we have lots of snow here and I can't go out to get my meds. The complex is not yet plowed. Not that it matters anyways at this point because the script hasn't been filled yet.

I've been pacing around all day and worrying about stupid stuff, such as, "What if someone was hired to break in and kill me?" or "I hope the building doesn't catch fire." I know that maybe I'm being overly anxious, but I can't help but feel the concerns are legitimate. I know that fresh air would help, but... it's very, very snowy and slippery outside. I just need to catch my breath and stop thinking about so many things right now. It's like there are a billion things I want to do all at once and I can't do them because I'm anxious. (I'm also indecisive.)

I just want to sleep it off, but I don't think I'll be able to. I slept from 6:30pm last night until 4am this morning, so I'm not tired. Plus, I can't stop thinking that maybe I will be attacked by another neighbor/tenant and dragged into their apartment when I turn my back. I don't know why. I just feel like it's going to happen. Stupid anxiety.

Debating if I should leave a voicemail for my therapist, but she's not in the office right now. She's gone for the day. (She starts at 7am and ends by 2:15pm.) Maybe I'll wait until tomorrow if things get worse. It's not like she'll get back to me until sometime tomorrow anyways.

[~Christina]

I’m sorry that there has been such a cluster F getting your damn Med !

I bet going with out it has your mind on high alert and causing these problems.

Can you just Fact Check everything when these thoughts are happening ?

I think it would be wise to go ahead and call your T today just leave her a message it might help soothe you down to where these intrusive thoughts won’t be so bad. Mentally you know she will call you tomorrow.. might help.

[Blue_Bird]

It's snowing here today, love the snow

Not doing much, just hoping for the next week to pass quickly cause I want it to be Christmas. Then after the holidays I can talk to my care manager about vocational rehabilitation. One of my meds was increased, thorazine from 200 to 400mg. I was on that dose in the past so I'm not really worried about it and side effects, it worked well then so hopefully I have the same experience. I have to stop the beta blocker though because it combined with the thorazine was causing my blood pressure to drop too low and severe dizziness. So that's something I'm worried about, I hope my panic attacks don't start back up without the beta blocker.

Going to see my friend Friday after my dentist appointment, looking forward to that. I get so excited about Christmas, I'm in my mid 20's but I still am like a kid when it comes to holidays

[~Christina]

I’m incredibly stressed about my daughter, she has to find a new place to live ASAP so big situational stress and of course her Bipolar is reaching out to slap her.

It’s so hard being 750 miles away. I did talk to her dad earlier, so he invited her to dinner. I just can’t wait to get there Sunday and hug her and we will probably have a good cry over all our junk.

[Blue_Bird]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Hi!

I hope you can find something JOYful to do on the holiday.

In this area, we have churches and restaurants offering free meals. Some people attend, while others volunteer to help. Same with area shelters. I don't know if anything like this might interest you; if so, maybe look around to see what's going on in your community.

I'm hoping your sister might want to take time out from her stressed life. Maybe you both can do something you both find fun and/or relaxing?

There's time to figure it out.

Thank you

Yes, there are a lot of places around here that have free community meals, that's what I ended up doing on Thanksgiving, going to one of them with my friend

My sister will likely at least stop by for a bit. We went out to dinner last year. Not sure about this year because she hasn't mentioned anything about the holidays or plans yet but I know she's very busy so it's possible it's slipped her mind to mention it when we talk on the phone

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

It's snowing here today, love the snow


Not doing much, just hoping for the next week to pass quickly cause I want it to be Christmas. Then after the holidays I can talk to my care manager about vocational rehabilitation. One of my meds was increased, thorazine from 200 to 400mg. I was on that dose in the past so I'm not really worried about it and side effects, it worked well then so hopefully I have the same experience. I have to stop the beta blocker though because it combined with the thorazine was causing my blood pressure to drop too low and severe dizziness. So that's something I'm worried about, I hope my panic attacks don't start back up without the beta blocker.


Going to see my friend Friday after my dentist appointment, looking forward to that. I get so excited about Christmas, I'm in my mid 20's but I still am like a kid when it comes to holidays

I have taken in the past Inderal but it was dropping my Blood pressure to low so they switched me to Tenex, it’s also a blood pressure Med that helped but didn’t bottom me out as much. Maybe an option to try if you do need one.

I hope Christmas comes quickly for you

It’s such a gray miserable damp windy day out here, I’d rather see snow, at least that’s pretty.

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I’m sorry that there has been such a cluster F getting your damn Med !

I bet going with out it has your mind on high alert and causing these problems.

Can you just Fact Check everything when these thoughts are happening ?

I think it would be wise to go ahead and call your T today just leave her a message it might help soothe you down to where these intrusive thoughts won’t be so bad. Mentally you know she will call you tomorrow.. might help.

Yeah, it's been a pain in the @ss to work around my pdoc's "assistant." This is a new assistant. I assume the other one was fired for giving medical advice when she doesn't have a license.

I'm trying to fact check, but I always second guess my fact checks. It's just that my fears all feel legitimate, I guess. Just a gut feeling that they're legitimate.

I suppose it can't hurt to leave a voicemail for my therapist now. I think I'll do that -- thanks. (And worst case, I can leave another voicemail if I want to say "never mind. ignore that.")

[Blue_Bird]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I have taken in the past Inderal but it was dropping my Blood pressure to low so they switched me to Tenex, it’s also a blood pressure Med that helped but didn’t bottom me out as much. Maybe an option to try if you do need one.

I hope Christmas comes quickly for you

It’s such a gray miserable damp windy day out here, I’d rather see snow, at least that’s pretty.

Thanks! I'll keep that in mind, Inderal is the one I was on too.

Hope the weather clears up there soon for you

Today wasn't great. I had to ask for an extra 15 minute break to go cry in my car. I know a lot of this is just pent up stress but this job is really getting to me. I hate myself for not being able to be like everyone else and just sit down and do it. It's a call center. In no way am I saying that the job isn't stressful, but people do it everyday. People handle it, everyday. I barely got through.. today. Only half my shift was taking calls. So I actually was on the phones for 3 hours and 45 min of pure torture. You anticipate a panic attack, feeling it build, have a small one when you get a call, and then you're back to anticipating the next panic attack. It's really hard for me. (I worked a call center before and while not as severe, felt the same sentiments then too.)


I am ashamed it affects me the way it does. It literally is embarrassing to almost be in tears, not from a specific call or a bad experience, but just waiting for the phone to ring. It doesn't feel like it's getting easier -- in fact it feels like I'm slipping up more everyday. I am new to the job, and time will make a difference I guess. This isn't a career path for me, it's a temporary situation until I find a position in my field. That's not to say I'm not trying my hardest, though.

I guess when it comes to work, I'm gonna struggle. Everyday will be a struggle and it's one I cannot avoid. I'm putting feelers out for another that may be better for me, but until then.. I have to have a paycheck. I don't deal with stress well, in general but the only thing I know to do is either suffer through it or run. I cannot afford to run. I have to face it. It hardly seems worth it but then again, I don't have much of a choice.. it has to be worth it. I have bills.

I don't mean to whine about how pitiful my life is -- Oh look at me, I'm a privileged and employed white man. I have a job that isn't manual labor and requires no special skills. Woe is me!

I really should just be grateful for what I do have.


Off the subject of work.

I'm just dealing with a lot. It's stuff I can't run from anymore. I've ran away for as long as I could. It's in my face and it's not going anywhere. It's so overwhelming at times. I'm stubborn too -- I tell myself I'll be damned if the world is going to force me to do something I am not ready/want to do... well, Marcus.. that's kind of how the world works. In the end, we all got to take care of our problems one way or the other. I'm just not smart enough to let that sink in apparently.

I don't have any friends or anything to express this to as an outlet, so thanks for reading.

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by LittleMissManic

I didn't sleep all night

I am very sorry, LittleMissManiac. Sleep issues can be so difficult. Do you normally take something to help with sleep?

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

I hope she doesn't get mad at me 😉 You know, these marzipan hedgehogs taste good!

They look good!

My friend thought they were cute.

Originally Posted by MarcusAurelius

Today wasn't great. I had to ask for an extra 15 minute break to go cry in my car. I know a lot of this is just pent up stress but this job is really getting to me. I hate myself for not being able to be like everyone else and just sit down and do it. It's a call center. In no way am I saying that the job isn't stressful, but people do it everyday. People handle it, everyday. I barely got through.. today. Only half my shift was taking calls. So I actually was on the phones for 3 hours and 45 min of pure torture. You anticipate a panic attack, feeling it build, have a small one when you get a call, and then you're back to anticipating the next panic attack. It's really hard for me. (I worked a call center before and while not as severe, felt the same sentiments then too.)


I am ashamed it affects me the way it does. It literally is embarrassing to almost be in tears, not from a specific call or a bad experience, but just waiting for the phone to ring. It doesn't feel like it's getting easier -- in fact it feels like I'm slipping up more everyday. I am new to the job, and time will make a difference I guess. This isn't a career path for me, it's a temporary situation until I find a position in my field. That's not to say I'm not trying my hardest, though.

I guess when it comes to work, I'm gonna struggle. Everyday will be a struggle and it's one I cannot avoid. I'm putting feelers out for another that may be better for me, but until then.. I have to have a paycheck. I don't deal with stress well, in general but the only thing I know to do is either suffer through it or run. I cannot afford to run. I have to face it. It hardly seems worth it but then again, I don't have much of a choice.. it has to be worth it. I have bills.

I don't mean to whine about how pitiful my life is -- Oh look at me, I'm a privileged and employed white man. I have a job that isn't manual labor and requires no special skills. Woe is me!

I really should just be grateful for what I do have.


Off the subject of work.

I'm just dealing with a lot. It's stuff I can't run from anymore. I've ran away for as long as I could. It's in my face and it's not going anywhere. It's so overwhelming at times. I'm stubborn too -- I tell myself I'll be damned if the world is going to force me to do something I am not ready/want to do... well, Marcus.. that's kind of how the world works. In the end, we all got to take care of our problems one way or the other. I'm just not smart enough to let that sink in apparently.

I don't have any friends or anything to express this to as an outlet, so thanks for reading.

We're here to listen.
I'm sorry your current job isn't suiting you and giving you so much stress. My previous job well, sucked(!) But I kept looking and landed one I like (not that I'm not b******* about xmas, lol). I feel confident that you will find something you like better. If you don't feel that confidence, I will for you, ok?

[Wander]

Thanks to all who gave me hugs, likes, and comments about the injection. Last night I had a very stressful talk with my best male friend(and sort of partner). Nothing serious, just heated. The fact that I was able to remain calm and no react as I usually would under stress. I am anxious this morning but only a little.

Like a few of you said it can’t take normal reactions and emotions away. It simply stops the fight/flight go away. Mostly I am calm and happy this morning. I slept 9 hours straight. Feeling good.

Looking forward to seeing my T today. So much to cover, but I’m sure we will be discussing the injection, and my father’s comments. After that I am having my dry hair treated to moisturise it. Then my parents are kindly taking me out to dinner so I have somewhere to go with my new hair. I’ve become so self-conscious of it as it gets so frizzy I look like the cat lady on The Simpson’s some times. Not the look I’m going for.

If I can get through today without being irritable and reactive I will know the injection is still working. All going well I should be discharged Friday.

Oh, I can get top up injections as it does wear off. It has been know to last anywhere between 1 day to 10 years. So, basically I have no idea if/when I will need a top up. Another tool for my mental health toolbox.

[Nammu]

Went to hellmart but surprise surprise! They had everything I was looking for plus the lady in the electronics dept was very helpful. She directed me to the Xbox gift cards which are perfect. They even had open check out lines and an experienced checker who knew how to do gift cards. So all my shopping is done. Everything is under the tree except for the snow globe for my daughter. Got to get her a bag. Every year I've gotten her a snow globe she has a ton of them.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Nammu

Went to hellmart but surprise surprise! They had everything I was looking for plus the lady in the electronics dept was very helpful. She directed me to the Xbox gift cards which are perfect. They even had open check out lines and an experienced checker who knew how to do gift cards. So all my shopping is done. Everything is under the tree except for the snow globe for my daughter. Got to get her a bag. Every year I've gotten her a snow globe she has a ton of them.

Well pigs indeed were flying today.. mine never has what I need or help to find it.. Glad you got so lucky

[Wander]

I forgot to mention this amazing nurse I had yesterday. She had been my nurse on and off for 6 years. After telling her more about the gist of what I’ve been through, and the damage done, she began to cry and offered me a hug which I accepted. She then said I was the most unwell patient she had seen. This shocked me as I thought I was around the middle in level of illness. She then told me that I am the strongest, most courageous, preserving she has known. I found that hard to believe but know she was saying it in truth. This encouraged me immensely.

I find it difficult to see myself as strong as I based it on being perfectly functional in society. Which the illnesses prevent me from doing. She gave my self esteem the boost it needed. What an amazing nurse.

[falcon09]

Not doing too well tonight, a bit psychotic.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by falcon09

Not doing too well tonight, a bit psychotic.

Are you able to Fact Check things and use mindfulness?

Try distractions .. tv, movie, books reading , drawing.

Keep posting here

[falcon09]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Are you able to Fact Check things and use mindfulness?

Try distractions .. tv, movie, books reading , drawing.

Keep posting here

I'm watching Scrubs right now, that's how i'm distracting.

I'm able to reality check but it's getting harder

[~Christina]

Just keep doing everything you can think of.

Do you have a T or Pdoc you can call for help tomorrow if your still struggling ?

[falcon09]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Just keep doing everything you can think of.

Do you have a T or Pdoc you can call for help tomorrow if your still struggling ?

Yeah I can text my therapist or call my pdoc, my pdoc can usually get me in that same day.

[~Christina]

If your still struggling in the morning get in to catch this sooner rather than later

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by falcon09

Yeah I can text my therapist or call my pdoc, my pdoc can usually get me in that same day.

Go ahead and text your T tonight , might help you chill more.

[yellow_fleurs]

Doing pretty well. Made a chocolate roll cake for my friend's birthday today as part of a dinner and she was very happy. Mood is okay and not overly anxious. Doing okay at bringing myself out of ruminating cycles. My therapist says ruminating is one of my compulsions that I need to work on. That's helpful to know. However it does feel like being told the solution to my problem is not to have the problem anymore sometimes. Like, I have issues with focusing and with rumination and I basically feel like I get told I need to just work on staying focused and not ruminating, haha. I mean, it's true, and it just takes practice, but yeah, gets frustrating sometimes. Despite all that I am happy with where I am in a lot of ways. I am not sure if the fish oil/turmeric I am taking helped or light therapy or something else, but I am in a better place than last month.
Called my pdoc last Friday and haven't heard back from the person who schedules. I might call back because after the beginning of January I am considered a new patient since it'll be more than a year since I've been there and wonder if that'll take me longer to be seen.