I'm just roasting in shame and guilt and remorse about how i embarrassed myself last Fall during my hypomanic episode and in the aftermath. I feel so humiliated every time i think about it. I sent my neighbor a Christmas message and an apology for being so weird last Fall as i was very hostile to her when she has helped me out and shown me many kindnesses scores of times and didn't deserve my negativity. I'm just glad i get long quiet days to rest and try and process this avalanche of smothering feelings without the demands of Christmas celebrations.

[Sunflower123]

I’ve been on the go all week and I’m worn out. I’m cooking Christmas dinner for my family for the first time and I’m having a great deal of anxiety about that. Cooking doesn’t come easily to me and it stresses me out. I hope everything goes okay. I’m looking forward to Thursday when it’s just my daughter and I hanging out.

Shopping yesterday was a lesson in patience and perseverance. Glad that’s done.

Happy holidays to everyone and hugs to those that are struggling.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Miss Laura

So after 3 hours wrapping presents I finally have finished. I can't wait to see everyone's faces when they open the gifts. I've addressed some gifts from the Elf and some from Santa. I've got some special gifts too. It is now Christmas Eve it's just after 10am here. It's the countdown to the big day woohoo.

Today all I have to do is a quick tidy up and make homemade soup.

Tonight I am off to my annual trip to Christmas Eve mass at my local church I'm not a church goer anymore I use to go religiously every week but I've lost my faith. But something about Christmas Eve mass is magical. I love singing carols etc. Then my family traditions start..... we have a takeout curry and we watch White Christmas on DVD. It's an old time classic.

On Christmas Day it's just 4 of us so we start the day off with a glass of prosecco and open presents followed by a bacon roll and more prosecco. Chill out then start cooking the meal and setting the table. Christmas music will be on from the minute we get up. Also I will be in a Christmas jumper all day lol.

As you can tell I'm massively happy and doing well.

I won't be on here tomorrow so in case I miss you all... Merry Christmas to you all and have a fantastic day whatever your doing.

I’m glad your feel so happy have a fantastic holiday !!

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Wander

Christmas Eve - 6.30 pm and I’m sitting on my hospital bed passing time. Yesterday I had a profound, life changing revelation while talking with a close friend I hadn’t seen for months. It is trauma related so I won’t share details, but the effect was to lift off years of trauma. It feels that I have finally reached a point where I have let go of the trauma, or more to the point, it has released me. This whole year has been leading to this point of release. What better Christmas present could I possibly have!

Don’t get me wrong I am still hurting emotionally, grieving- but I’m FREE!! For the first time in memory I’m free. Last Friday I broke down and lost control. I was almost locked up my distress was immense and high SI. Now I feel joy and freedom my heart is in a good place but my body is beating the toll. The Fibromyalgia is back in full force. I am understandably exhausted. So I have been resting mostly except for a swim at the beach with my niece. We had a blast.


Tomorrow I am starting the day with my Mum taking me to the beach for a 7am swim. A Christmas tradition for me. I need rest, but I feel the ocean will bring healing too. After that I will rest for two hours then go to my sisters with my parents and give presents. Now the trauma is behind me I feel I can enjoy my family. I am beyond relieved. After a few hours there with my sisters husbands family I expect I will be exhausted. I go back to the hospital on Boxing Day and will be discharged the following day.


I made it! I survived! I am finally free. Yes, I have rivers of tears to weep but many of joy as I begin my new life in the new decade that lays before us.


Happy Holidays to all. May you have peace, if even for a moment.

Very happy for you.. Merry Christmas

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

I'm about to run out of my Ritalin, which sucks. I only realized on Saturday that I had 8 capsules left, and well, my pdoc is on Christmas vacation until the 30th -- or so his voicemail says. That means (1.) I have 4 pills left right now, and (2.) there is no guarantee his assistant will listen to my voicemail on Monday if a ton of other people leave them. Plus, the pharmacy ALWAYS has to order Ritalin because they never have any in stock. So, I guess I will be in withdrawal hell for quite a while. Sucks a lot.


I wish he had warned me about going on vacation, but he did not. I would have called earlier, but I don't like to request my Ritalin prescription early because the pharmacy told me they may lose it. (Is it even legal to say that??? But if they are warning me, I'm guessing it's happened before, so I don't want to tempt them.)


Anyways, mood is A-okay this morning. I am feeling less "off" and more close to my normal. I think the trip threw me off. (I was exhausted from sitting in the airport for 8+ hours thanks to JetBlue's B.S. delays to Boston. It's a really long story, but basically the plane broke down and they kept trying to fix it instead of giving up after 4 hours and getting another plane. After 8+ hrs of waiting, we demanded to be rebooked even though they gave us a hard time about it.)

I’m sorry things are tough.

I’m not sure about Ritalin , but my pharmacy has given me 3-4 days worth of a medication if my refills were out and it’s a holiday. At least.

I don’t know what the half life is on Ritalin. Maybe it’s long enough to cover by taking every other day to stretch them out. I’m of course no doctor. Just a thought. it’s very possible a pharmacist would have great knowledge about meds , some know much more knowledge than a Doctor as they are trained about the specifics of all the meds.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Nammu

I'm dreading today and tomorrow. I'm not sleeping well and just want to roll up into a ball and isolation. Hurt my back yesterday getting mum of the floor. She got on the floor to wrap an oversized present and couldn't get up. We had a hard time.


My daughter and her family are coming in about 40 minutes and it will be all whirlwind for two hours. Then tomorrow we drive to the nephew's house. I could use a dose of hypo right about now. Looking forward to Thursday.

Oh no

So much to deal with and no real bloody sleep to help you have more ability to cope with it all !!

I hope you can manage to get through all stuff

Thinking of you

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

I'm just roasting in shame and guilt and remorse about how i embarrassed myself last Fall during my hypomanic episode and in the aftermath. I feel so humiliated every time i think about it. I sent my neighbor a Christmas message and an apology for being so weird last Fall as i was very hostile to her when she has helped me out and shown me many kindnesses scores of times and didn't deserve my negativity. I'm just glad i get long quiet days to rest and try and process this avalanche of smothering feelings without the demands of Christmas celebrations.

You have sent a letter to make amends. That’s all you can do. Focus on making whatever changes you want in the coming year

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I’ve been on the go all week and I’m worn out. I’m cooking Christmas dinner for my family for the first time and I’m having a great deal of anxiety about that. Cooking doesn’t come easily to me and it stresses me out. I hope everything goes okay. I’m looking forward to Thursday when it’s just my daughter and I hanging out.


Shopping yesterday was a lesson in patience and perseverance. Glad that’s done.


Happy holidays to everyone and hugs to those that are struggling.

Just breath deep and often to get through making the meal , I’m sure it will be fantastic. Keep in mind we all are our own worse critic. I doubt anyone will leave the table hungry.

So glad you have time with M ! It’s great to have a daughter that you totally love and have fun hanging out and doing things or nothing at all. Just knowing she’s with you is a wonderful feeling

[Fuzzybear]

Still here

(and still not, and never was... that stereotype some (or one) perceived..(irl) I believe in love not in “labels” and hate)

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I’m having more self harm dreams again. Not sure why. Three in the last week. At least. I don’t like them. I got a break from them for a few months and now they’re back. Maybe I’m just stressed about Christmas.


Speaking of, I’ve now attempted fudge twice and it failed. I attempted ginger cookies and those failed, though at least they’re still edible (the fudge wasn’t). I’m leery about trying the other two recipes.


I’m really struggling today. I feel like I could burst into tears at at moment. I’m sure it’s just stress. I will be happy tomorrow when all I have to do is make it to my gma’s. Then it wil all be ok.

I’ve had fudge fail, I buy vanilla ice cream and melt the fudge down and Boom it’s now a yummy treat.

I agree with BirdDancer just buy some cookies and put in a festive or pretty plate , no one is going to notice.

[Fuzzybear]

Oh dear oh dear oh dear bad me, I questioned their garbage. Not anyone here.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

Oh dear oh dear oh dear bad me, I questioned their garbage. Not anyone here.

Are you okay, Fuzzy?

You sound a little distressed.
I hope you are okay; yet, if not, please let us know so we can try to help.

Big Warm Bear Hugs!!!
Love You!!!

[Nammu]

Well the kids were here. Twas just a short time cause my grandson is Josef in the play and he needed to be there by 3. Thankfully my gifts were a hit. This little thing I bought for the grandson was the biggest hit. It's got two wheels and looks like a bee. The eyes light up and it's remote controlled. Granddaughter liked her leap pad and dinosaur. So that's one thing down. Then there's tomorrow.

[Wild Coyote]

I am just checking in.
Busy in the kitchen!

Tomorrow is the big day!!!

Last count: 32 people planning on being here .
Not all will be here at the same time, I guess.
I am setting up a buffet. This will work out fine.

Merry Christmas to All!

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

I'm about to run out of my Ritalin, which sucks. I only realized on Saturday that I had 8 capsules left, and well, my pdoc is on Christmas vacation until the 30th -- or so his voicemail says. That means (1.) I have 4 pills left right now, and (2.) there is no guarantee his assistant will listen to my voicemail on Monday if a ton of other people leave them. Plus, the pharmacy ALWAYS has to order Ritalin because they never have any in stock. So, I guess I will be in withdrawal hell for quite a while. Sucks a lot.

I wish he had warned me about going on vacation, but he did not. I would have called earlier, but I don't like to request my Ritalin prescription early because the pharmacy told me they may lose it. (Is it even legal to say that??? But if they are warning me, I'm guessing it's happened before, so I don't want to tempt them.)

Anyways, mood is A-okay this morning. I am feeling less "off" and more close to my normal. I think the trip threw me off. (I was exhausted from sitting in the airport for 8+ hours thanks to JetBlue's B.S. delays to Boston. It's a really long story, but basically the plane broke down and they kept trying to fix it instead of giving up after 4 hours and getting another plane. After 8+ hrs of waiting, we demanded to be rebooked even though they gave us a hard time about it.)

I am sorry about the Ritalin situation. What about chopping the remaining 4 in half and taking half your usual dose to stretch them out? Maybe something like that might help.

[Nammu]

Took mum to church. All the myth symbols kind of of freak me out but mum likes it. I grew up in that church so I contemplated all the changes. There's less pews. The wings on the sides have been removed and on one side is a place for music, and on the other is a little play area. A little girl made use of it tonight. She was dressed up in a Norwegian embroidered dress, very cute. They have a stand on which there's bags filled with Christian books and quiet activities for the kids to play with while sitting in the pews too. That's really nice. All the kids there were dressed up in Christmas finery brought back memories.

My neighbor who i emailed an apology to got back to me and said there was no need and that she was just glad i am feeling better. So that was nice. I also got two computer tasks done so i don't feel so incompetent. I got my phone connected to my WiFi and cancelled my bus pass auto-renew. So i'll have that $120 a month savings to put towards my online groceries and enjoy The Great Indoors all Winter long! ( @~Christina: I know you don't approve but i really feel this is best for me at this time.) I've been sitting quietly in the dark and silence and the negative feelings i wrote about earlier have loosened their grip on me. Some might think this is a shi!!y way to spend Christmas Eve but i feel lucky to have the peace and privacy and let my emotions run their course.

@Nammu: So nice to hear about your church and all the care and consideration they are giving to the little ones. Last year i went to a Christmas Pageant at church and one of the little Shepherdesses couldn't stop running around in her light-up sneakers!

Hugs to all!

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by scatterbrained04

Enjoying my time away from work. Have been spending a lot of time reading and then have been trying to tackle one cleaning project per day. This morning I will read for awhile and then later I need to clean my living room (with my son's help) and wrap a couple gifts.

It's great to have you posting! It's been awhile! Wonderful to have you check in! You have been missed.

[Aurelius710]

Had to work Christmas Eve, made a mistake at work and now I can't stop thinking about how I'm going to be punished for my error. I'm ruminating over Christmas. No fun.

[giddykitty]

Hey all! Just wanted to stop by and wish everyone a happy holiday season! Hope everyone's hanging in there! <3

The computer successes continue! I figured out how to turn off the "live camera" feature on my iPhone that was taking videos instead of stills and now i can take a proper snapshot. Then i figured out how to rotate a picture in edit. Then i installed a new SIM card! It was easy! I just used a thumbtack! I was worried about the SIM card and at a loss about how to get it done, who to ask and here i just did it all by myself! Yay Jane!!! I also took a shower so i'm all fresh and clean. So glad to be feeling competent again. Was really feeling helpless for a while there.

[Wander]

Been a great Christmas so far down here in S/W Australia. My parents picked me up from hospital at 7.30am to take me to the beach. Had an amazing swim. Drove to my place to get dressed for Christmas but couldn’t find my keys! I searched over and over through my bags. Back to the hospital. No keys there. Drove back to my place and suddenly my keys were in my bag where I had checked four times!!! I had to laugh, and be thankful that I’m good mentally today.

Lunch at my sisters was lovely. I really enjoyed my time with my nieces and nephews. Didn’t get to chat to my sister much as she rushed around. My 15 year old niece asked me to start up guitar lessons again with her. This makes me so happy as I love spending time with her. We have a lot in common. I’m just thrilled she wants to spend time with me. I took photos of her (training to be) assistance dog with funky star shaped glasses on and edited the photo a few times. She loved it.

Resting now. I’m utterly exhausted. Good day.

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by Aurelius710

Had to work Christmas Eve, made a mistake at work and now I can't stop thinking about how I'm going to be punished for my error. I'm ruminating over Christmas. No fun.

We all make mistakes, Aurelius. Even your bosses. Maybe it won't turn out as badly as you are imagining.

[bpcyclist]

Well, it is 1235 AM here Pacific Time, so Merry Christmas, everyone!

I am feeling okay so far this day. Will open presents in a few hours. Of course, I bought them all, but it is still fun for me to have a treat or two. Am especially excited about something I am hoping will help with my sleep. More to be revealed.

I ate 6 chocolate chocolate chip cookies for breakfast. How about that!! I am going to seriously cut back on sweets for my New Year's Rez, so this is close to the last hurrah. I also am going to make a key lime pie before the end of the year, then, it will be fruits and veggies. I am basically a vegan most of the time, anyway, so It's not a big deal for me. Not depressed or manic or psychotic at the moment and that's the best Christmas present I could really ever get. Sending prayers and peace to all my PC pals. Love to all.

[giddykitty]

Ok, so I might as well make an update since I've got a minute. Still seeming like depression. I went off the bipolar med and feel fine at the moment. (Never really did lose much of the weight I gained though on it, which is a bummer, but at least I'm trying to be more active now as opposed to doing nothing). Still on the antidepressant and anxiety meds. Only seeing my primary care doctor these days, but he's very good and acts like a therapist. Asks if the anxiety med works. I can't honestly say. I mean, I've had less anxiety, but I've been getting into more of a routine with cooking (one of my stressors) and I've been pretty much avoiding driving (another stressor. Last time I did drive, I almost got hit by the bar that comes down before a train. Bleh!
Thinking now about the AD med. Well, I definitely feel much better than last year this time (or was that two years ago? ****, time flies! Now I can't even remember last Christmas! :/) Um, but yeah, doing better every day, but still some underlying negativity. It's just this self doubt about things that gets me I guess. Not sure. Plus, I keep having romantic thoughts about past lovers. (Maybe that's a different discussion? I can't talk to my doc about this though because my husband sits in the meetings, plus I'd feel more comfortable sharing with a woman. No offense men!) Anyway, I guess I just feel like a sadness about their rejections of me though because it was mostly just the physical. Oh but I feel guilty because my husband is so good to me...except maybe he sometimes lacks that sort of something that makes me feel intimately connected to a lover.
I'm getting very personal here today. :/ might edit this post later.

Anyway, yeah, just those ruminating thoughts, doubts about what I really want but need in life... I dunno. Guess it makes me a little ho hum. But generally speaking, things are ok or better even. Oh! I should add that maybe I'm a little upset with hubby because he's always wanting me to do more, be better. Just makes me feel like I'm not good enough as I am. And well, I don't really want to change! I mean, I want him to be happy, but I just don't WANT to put in the effort, but I kinda do. Bleh! Know what I mean?

Anyway, that's me! Hehe