[cashart10]

I’m unqualified, undeserving, incapable, and inadequate as a mother. I feel like a hopeless mess that is going to screw up the lives of everyone in my path.

I took the Trintellix tonight for the first time. I took it with food but I still feel sick. Hopefully nothing comes of that. I don’t see myself sleeping tonight and it’s kind of too late to take klonapin as I have to be up to get the kids on the bus tomorrow.

My t called my pdoc and they discussed IOP for me again and we kind of decided we would put off the decision until this weekend as my husband is off tomorrow and Thurs and I can hang out with my mom on Fri. More than likely with their company I can hold my head a little higher.

I’m tired of my hands shaking. I’m just tired of it. I know it’s a necessary evil but I hate it. You should see me trying to reheat a full cup of coffee in the microwave...it’s quite appalling.

Sorry for taking up another thread for seemingly no reason but I need the extra support. I feel like I need to die and I have such a significant mix of internal sadness and rage against myself. The sadness comes from my insecure, grotesque core. The rage comes from my angry, resentful mind. Both are trembling inside. I can hardly handle it.

[~Christina]

This is Bipolar talking.... I know it’s practically impossible to rationalize it while in the middle of a nasty episode.

Bipolar Lies to us

Your a great Mom , you have had long stretches of stability, you will find your footing again... until then keep yourself busy, I’m glad your husband will be home a couple days and you have time with your Mom.

Hopefully this Med will kick in soon. I do hope you can do IOP it’s helped in the past.. having structure is a very important path towards stability.

Use distractions, avoid your triggers.. music and long showers are just not good right now.

I truly feel you will turn a corner soon

[bpcyclist]

Your disease is trying to kill you by telling you these lies Christina mentioned. Don't let it do that. Don't let its tricks fool you. Things will turn around. Breathe. You've got reinforcements on the way, so that will help give you a little space where you can hopefully regroup a little. Maybe sleep a bit would be nice at some point, too. Sleep when you can. If it's 1 in the afternoon and you've got help with the kids and that's when sleep is gonna happen for you, then do it, I say.

When things are like this for me, as they have been sorta for a couple of months now, I let go of whatever rigid structure I can let go of and just try to ride it. So, I am writing this at 159 AM, because there is no sleep happening tonight Zero. I'll sleep when I sleep. For now, I am trying to post on your thread and just be supportive of what an amazing job I think you are doing.

Try not to judge yourself when things are this difficult. You are doing a great job and the best you possibly can under extremely hard circumstances. You deserve tons of credit for battling through this, for suiting up and taking care of those kids as best you can and yourself as well. You are reaching out. Asking for support. You will get a ton. Stop judging. You are doing a great job!!

[fern46]

I'm going to take things in a slightly different direction here. I know everyone has their thories about why we experience these shifts and we hear a lot that bipolar 'lies to us' and that it is just the disease working. In my opinion, bipolar is actually quite truthful and it shows us where we have dis ease. I know, I know. That sounds so wrong, but I'll elaborate.

I have come to the opinion that in many cases the swings we experience are rooted in the core trauma we have sustained over the course of our lives as well as the core trauma humanity as a whole carries. This isn't novel. I just agree with the theory of others. As this trauma occurs, we stuff it down because like Cashart said, we see it as grotesque and nobody wants those parts of themselves to show. In many cases we stuff it away because the truth of it is too much to bear. However, these are real and true parts of ourselves that had real experiences with real stories to tell.

Eventually, the dam breaks, they flood out and demand to be heard. I think of it like a pressure cooker. We try to keep the lid on and the pressure builds up. We have a steam release valve, but sometimes it malfinctions and the lid just blows right off. When that happens, these repressed pieces of ourselves come forward and take center stage in our lives. We then feel the pain of these selves that have been ignored and stuffed down and treated like the garbage we shoved under out bed because we didn't want anyone to see it. They take the stage and put on quite an extreme show because well, they finally got the mic for once and they want us to see what they've been silently suffering all this time. They are screaming for help and they don't want to be pushed aside again (killed).

So... We observe and we empathize and we feel the pain. It is horrible to watch. We feel all kinds of emotions. Anger, rage, fear, denial, sadness, etc. The 'show' then becomes too much and we want to get up and leave because as a viewer we enjoy the right to change the channel... But we can't. The tv is broken and every channel is more of this sad story that we don't want to watch, so we decide we want to turn off the tv (die)...

I use that as a metaphor, but it seems like these subconscious pieces of ourselves take over and it becomes too much and we 'want to die'. Now when we say that the instinct is to say that is just a lie. We don't really want to die. Perhaps maybe it is more accurate to say what we really want is for that piece of us to 'rest in peace' so we can get back to our normal and preferred show or programming. We want it to go away, but we don't need to kill anything if we can get it to go away peacefully on its own accord.

Cashart has been working with the family therapy (I forgot the exact name) method. Families are teams. Teams are full of variant personalities and often they conflict with each other. Conflict resolution within teams can be complex, but there are a few basics I will offer.

When one teammate is talking nonstop and dragging down the team we need to get to the root of it to get them to stop. Otherwise, they feel shamed and pipe down just long enough to move forward, but they slowly sabotage the team from within as we go along. The best forward momentum occurs when everyone feels heard and validated and gets on board with the goals of the team.

A good first step to diffusing the conflict is to ask the teammate why they feel the way they do. What is their hi(story), how does it make them feel and what are their resulting beliefs about the future. Essentially, you allow the teammate to tell their truth. So Cashart, maybe you think about the times when you did let your kids down and how you felt then. You go back further and think about when you were a child and the adults in your life let you down and how that felt. Then you look at what that does to your beliefs about the future... Maybe you feel like you don't deserve to be a mother anymore and maybe you feel like you don't deserve forgiveness. Maybe you felt afraid and unsupported. These are just examples.

Here's the fun part... The variance in perspective and personalities in teams that causes conflict is the exact thing that heals teams and allows for change. If sad and angry and depressed feeling like a failure Mom Cashart has had the spotlight too long and whole and complete Cashart feels that is out of balance, we need some kind of opposing force to balance things out a bit. In this case we need a super mom force and maybe a loving and forgiving child force to push back a little and open the door for healing.

It might help for Cashart to gather up proof of the times when she has given her all and sacrificed for her children unconditionally. She might go through old pictures and look at smiling faces and times when her kids felt completely loved and supported. She might go sit with her own mother and just hold her hands and feel the vibe of a loving and caring mother or remember times when he mother carried her and she felt totally safe and secure. Cashart might also remember that despite all that she has done her children love her and forgive her. She might remember that there were times when she was let down as a child and she was able to continue to love and forgive her mother regardless. Cashart can remind herself of these equally truthful hi(stories) and think about how super mom and loving and forgiving child see the future. They know they have the ability to experience joy. Super mom knows she has tremendous love and teachings to offer. Super mom knows she isn't perfect, but that she's the best and her love for her kids transcends any imperfections. Loving and forgiving child Cashart knows that mistakes do not define her mom and that she loves and forgives because her mom is human and there is so much more to her than the yucky parts.

Now these teammates can buddy up for a while and help each other out. Their truth is now collective and it creates a future that honors and validates the past of both parties. Their collective truth shines light on what would be valuable to both of them going forward. This allows whole and complete Cashart to get back up on the stage where she belongs. This way, no piece of her needs to 'die', everyone is heard and everyone has buddies to help them find a way forward in the dark. Maybe that way forward is acceptance and forgiveness of the past with a promise to herself to aim to work harder to remember Cashart is a whole team when one of the teammates is in need again.

So that was long, but it is just a bit of what I've been working with. I said and did some completely insane things when I was sick. However, the more I analyze it the more I realize the things I did were like overly dramatic symbols for things I had repressed within my subconscious. They weren't completely 'lies' and there was a reason for and an essence of truth to all of it. I realize my experience isn't everyone's, but I thought this might help someone somehow... As always discard anything that feels false.

Finally I will say coping skills and other usual treatments are valuable and should not be discarded. I view them as helpful tools that can assist us in taking much needed breaks while we do this most important work of growth and healing.

[cashart10]

Thank you all for the support and encouraging messages! I am currently in the waiting room for my son’s therapy appt. They are in the toy room doing play therapy and I can hear him playing with the trains. He is asking her to do this every time and she agrees. I do hope they are getting to the root of his “bad thoughts” and processing this while doing this work. I am going to call his therapist tomorrow just to check in.

I saw my amazing t today. She made me feel much better for a time. We just havened, something we do frequently that calms me considerably. But, she also reminded me that despite how I’m feeling, I’m still taking care of the kids the same. Still greeting them, still cooking dinner, still doing homework, still getting baths and bedtime routines done in a reasonable time. It doesn’t matter if I “feel” like laying on the couch all day crying, I’m not doing it. I’m doing what I have to do, even dragging my feet, even with a less than jovial attitude. She said no one is always in a positive mood. And she said, if I feel like a terrible mom, if I begin to obsess over this, to measure the actual data, not how I’m feeling. So, that lifted my spirits some. As a matter of fact, I have been in a decent mood ever since. Hopefully tonight will be the same. Like I mentioned, my husband will be off again tomorrow which means he’s on the same sleeping schedule as me also so I’ll have company. Then tomorrow early afternoon we have lunch plans with a friend. Hopefully the support will continue to help.

[Fuzzybear]

I think its the bipolar talking My heart hurts hearing all those mean words you're calling yourself, none of them are true (or of me either)

[fern46]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

I think its the bipolar talking My heart hurts hearing all those mean words you're calling yourself, none of them are true (or of me either)

They are absolutely not 'true', but I feel maybe they grow out of real and true experiences and they shape our realities in harmful ways such that we perceive ourselves like this. Getting to the root of why and reminding ourselves that we are so much more than our misshapen perspective in a dark moment is what I meant by suggesting we should perhaps consider there's an aspect of truth to it. You may not have been responding in regards to what I said, but your excellent point made me feel clarification was a good idea.

Everyone here knows Cashart is a beautiful person with an amazing heart. Same for you! That is the genuine truth.

[*Beth*]

Your descriptions of your relationship with your children has been inspiring to me. Far from being an inadequate mother, you are a profoundly devoted and gifted mom. Like others have pointed out our BP (and other mental health issues) can really mess with our minds. It's like having a "toxic" twin stuck to us everywhere we go, and that twin won't shut up.

As for the hand tremor - me, too. Sometimes I just feel like crying or screaming about the tremor, especially when I'm in public and holding a coffee or tea and my hand starts shaking violently.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Your descriptions of your relationship with your children has been inspiring to me. Far from being an inadequate mother, you are a profoundly devoted and gifted mom. Like others have pointed out our BP (and other mental health issues) can really mess with our minds. It's like having a "toxic" twin stuck to us everywhere we go, and that twin won't shut up.

As for the hand tremor - me, too. Sometimes I just feel like crying or screaming about the tremor, especially when I'm in public and holding a coffee or tea and my hand starts shaking violently.

Thank you so much! You made me smile. All of you did. I am currently having a very, very rough night so this made my load feel a little lighter.

[Thriving101]

Originally Posted by cashart10

Thank you so much! You made me smile. All of you did. I am currently having a very, very rough night so this made my load feel a little lighter.

I’m sorry you feel like this. I know how it feels to be a mom and to be frustrated while having bipolar disorder. It’s very frustrating sometimes just to keep moving forward. I get stressed everyday just being a mom and having to do it all. I love being a mom but it is very challenging. I’m sorry your going through this. I don’t like when my mind races too. I try to take something to help me sleep that’s the best thing I figured out to do when I’m in that kind of mood. I hope you feel better. I light a candle too and put on the tv. This too shall pass. Hang in there!

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by Thriving101

I’m sorry you feel like this. I know how it feels to be a mom and to be frustrated while having bipolar disorder. It’s very frustrating sometimes just to keep moving forward. I get stressed everyday just being a mom and having to do it all. I love being a mom but it is very challenging. I’m sorry your going through this. I don’t like when my mind races too. I try to take something to help me sleep that’s the best thing I figured out to do when I’m in that kind of mood. I hope you feel better. I light a candle too and put on the tv. This too shall pass. Hang in there!

Thank you so much! I made a new twist on a favorite recipe for dinner that turned out great and that helped me feel like I actually accomplished something. So, I was doing better. I am feeling down again now that it’s later and my husband is sleeping but still not as bad as I have been feeling.

[Thriving101]

Originally Posted by cashart10

Thank you so much! I made a new twist on a favorite recipe for dinner that turned out great and that helped me feel like I actually accomplished something. So, I was doing better. I am feeling down again now that it’s later and my husband is sleeping but still not as bad as I have been feeling.

Awe that’s good! I am glad you did that. I like to cook too and try new recipes online it makes me feel better .i made the best spaghetti ever last night and was so happy lol. Normally it isn’t that good. I paint sometimes and it helps me feel better. I also will write in a journal to get all my feelings out on paper and after I feel some sense of relief. I’ve heard it’s good to journal about thirty minutes each day and just let the pen flow don’t stop writing until thirty minutes have gone by. It was twenty or thirty I can’t remember. I also listen to music and take multi vitamin or drink a Red Bull. If I’m down I need a little something to pick me up and it does bring me up. It’s hard for me even with medication to find balance so some days I just gotta do what I gotta do to feel better ya know ??

[*Beth*]

How are you dong, Cashart?

[cashart10]

I’m hanging in there but it’s still a little rough. It was encouraging to get on the scale this morning though as I’m now down 21 lbs. Plus, I’ve committed to walking at least 3 days a week with my aunt for an hour so I’ll get in more exercise. I also think I’m going to go to a support group I used to go to on Mon nights. I hope these things, along with the new med, will help. Thanks for checking on me!

[Wander]

I just lost a long post of support for you and now have to run. You are amazing. I’m proud of you for all your hard work. Don’t listen to the negative. You rock. Hang in there. This will pass.