Bipolar check-in #43

Then I'm ripe for a heart attack. My high cholesterol is controlled with a med. I have pre-diabetes. I'm also turning 48 in March.

Because this refrain has come up before, I need to speak up. You did NOT ruin your husband's life. You did NOT cause his addiction. HE made BAD CHOICES. That's _100%_ on HIM!! I *would* say he ruined YOUR life through his bad choices leading to his death, but since you have come through all that horror with amazing strength, and found RS and are in a much healthier relationship.... it all worked out in the end.

Hope that's not too forward to say.

As for the rest, I'm with BirdDancer. Taking all the blame and ruminating on the past does no good. I hope you are able to realize this and let it go. Free yourself from the catastophizing clutches.

Lots of

Well, I finally ate something today after coming home. I boiled some barilla protein plus pasta, then finished the rest in the oven with some sauce on top. Unfortunately, though, my oven mitt caught on fire. I think I bumped my thumb against the heat tube at the top of my toaster oven. I had to pour lots of water on the mitt and I washed the fire down the drain. Well, I didn't WANT to wash the fire down the drain, but the ashes got washed off with the water and then the fire fell down the drain.

Anyway, that was my first meal of the day... and probably the last. I'm just not hungry. I also really don't want to cause more fires either. lol.

I still haven't called my therapist. I'm a bit nervous to. I want to talk about diagnoses and treatments. I suppose it's not going to make a difference right now, though...

In other news, the Cogentin is working really well for me. No aimless pacing around or feeling restless.

@bluebicycle: Glad the cogentin is working for you! It must be such a relief to be able to relax.

Here I sit drinking coffee while the Ann Arbor Grail Singers of 2001 massages my brain. I am loving it! This recording was made in May, 2001. I was 5 months pregnant with Noah. They are an all-women choir. I wish I could send you all one track at least. I used to have a lot of them uploaded to a "cloud" of sorts, but I've long forgotten where that is.

One of the tracks is called "Io V'amo Vita Mia". Recording it was a bear! We were using a viol da gamba for the bass part of a four-part piece. I sang the tenor line. This music was written by a woman- in fact, the whole CD is music by women. However, we were having trouble staying in tune. Take after take was flat. We couldn't hear the viol and the director finally said "Let's leave this one out". No! Oh no! we said. One last take and we tuned our ears to that gamba and concentrating hard, we matched relative pitch with it. The experience was like hanging by your fingernails! Always thinking "stay up!". That with matching pitch with the viol made for a wonderful recording!

Also on the album is a chant called "Meditabor". We only used the lower voices but I was included. In fact, there were at least three people who just sat and listened to us record because they were sick and couldn't sing! I loved singing chant. We were told to "sing into" each other's voices- to the person to your left and to your right. The effect is wonderful. Not only does it work for chant, but when there is a unison in other music, its pure blend.

The group still exists and I'd be tempted to join again, if only I had the same voice I did 18 years ago! The director died, though over 10 years ago. She was on vacation on the Jersey Shore (!) with a bunch of friends. At one point she went out for a swim and got caught up in the under toe. They got her to a hospital where she was able to communicate with her long-time friends, but it was too much. She died. That's always made me very sad. She was a very special director and person. I took a video of her when I interviewed her for my "Ageing to Infancy" class back in 2004. I played the video for the group when we got together after she died. It took on a special meaning. And I must say that I'm not bad at interviewing!

I thought you would like hearing about the special choir I was in. I can hear myself on this recording- through the blending of course; no one else would be able to- and it makes me so nostalgic and happy.



P.S. Both Meditabor and Io V'amo Vita Mia were recorded in one take. That is, they are "live" not pieced together digitally.

Your music memories sound lovely! I'm glad you are enjoying it today.

Many NJ beaches are lovely, but the water can be really rough, indeed, sometimes. I'm sorry to read what happened to the choir director. I'm often reluctant to swim in the rough waters there.

Pretty down yesterday afternoon. Lots of negative thoughts, feeling like a failure, etc. Wasted life. Slept 7 hours and woke up feeling worse. Same stuff. I still deal with this stuff from time to time, for whatever reason. Reliving the past? Regrets. I dunno. It's hard.

I sure wish there was a club or something here where I could go hang out with people like us. It would really help me. Wish I could go to IOP, but uninsured, so... I go to AA still sometimes, but I just don't relate anymore. Recovery is so easy for me, it's a non-factor in my life. It is all about the bipolar now.

Anyway, gonna try to force myself to write today about this guy I knew in the hospital who claimed he had faked his mental illness to avoid prison. Long story, but he convinced the board it was true and they discharged him. Off meds. A month later, he killed two people (no history of violence). He clearly has bp 1 with psychosis, I lived with him for a year. I know. Just a tragic story.

Anyhow, when I think of Tony and the poor people he killed, I realize as a person with pretty severe bp 1 that I am quite lucky. Things could be so much worse than they are. I'm not homeless (yet). So, I try to remember that. And I feel better.

Hugs and love to all!!

Today I met with my T. We mostly talked about how I can support my son through his depression. Just last night he and I had a long conversation about the stressors of expectations and the unknowns of the future. He asked to go on an antidepressant in an attempt to get that sorted before starting university. It was heartwrenching to watch the tears roll down his face.

I think that probably what’s going on .. so although it sucks but you could remind yourself if your feeling down to Check where you are cycle wise.

Did you have a T session last night ? I know you said you really didn’t think you had anything to talk about. But maybe something subconsciously came up ?

I hope that your dad coming home is a good thing but yes he needs to get into some kind alcohol support.

Hope your husband gets a good check up.

This morning I was woken up by a 6 am storm right overhead my flat. It was wonderful. I love non-destructive storms. The sound of thunder must be one of my favourite sounds in the world.

Yesterday I saw my T. He agreed with my pdoc that my recent violent outburst was PTSD related and that I’ve been Bipolar symptom free for a year now. Finally got my meds right. I also had to see my sports doctor twice to get different treatments. It was a busy day following my first day at university. This caused the Fibromyalgia to flare bad. Overwhelmed and exhausted I took Seroquel and went to bed at 8 pm.

My T thinks it will take a week or so for me to calm down properly after my explosion last weekend. I still feel fragile and irritable, but can easily laugh if I hear/see funny things. So thankfully I’m not depressed, just stressed to my limit. I asked my how I can prevent another dangerous explosion of rage at the level I had on the weekend and he assured me I am doing all the right things, and that what happened was an unusual set of circumstances. He said that ‘the stars aligned’ on Sunday in a way that’s impossible to predict. Basically, a series of events occurred that led to me snapping and they could not be predicted.

The exhaustion is a worry as I need to study today, do a food shop, and have University tomorrow. My next rest day is Saturday. I will try and push through, take regular breaks, and keep a positive attitude. The hip treatment is also taking up my time but hopefully it will speed up my recovery. It has been a year now. The doctor feels confident that with the increased treatment I will recover. The other problem is the expense. Thankfully I have a little savings and if the hip is better by the end of semester in June I will begin looking for work.

Glad Cogentin is helping.... Shane it took so long to get it. Did you go back on your Rexulti yet ?

As for just not wanting to eat , I understand that but sometimes we just have to force ourselves. I know you like Thai food , maybe make up a good batch , and package some up so you can just pull out of fridge and heat up

Yes PPI comes with some risks but sometimes it’s just something your body needs to be able to eat food and digest well.

Well I am doing pretty well today. Why can't I just always be this person? It's like I am a different person half the month. Going to hold onto this while I can. I went out to lunch at a tea cafe and got some quiche and an ice tea. It was a nice break from the office. I felt pretty productive at work. I didn't go to the gym today, but will tomorrow.

Also, I looked into akathisia more due to the resident saying it sounded like that's what happened to me, plus the discussions around here. Well, I am like 99.9% sure that's what happened with me when I took Lexapro. It makes more sense than a mood episode (I think), because I had symptoms within hours of taking the medication. I don't think that is how it works with mood episodes, but I am not a psychiatrist. I will discuss with my main psychiatrist next time we meet. I still get restlessness, irritable, and have a hard time sitting still from time to time, and feel really sensory sensitive. I wonder if that is related to the reaction I had, or not. It's been like a year and a half, so don't think I should still be having problems. I think if I tell my therapist she'll tell me it's anxiety, and maybe it is, but it's an inner skin crawling sort of restlessness that reminds me of a milder version of what happened when I took Lexapro. So, I don't know. I also don't know if it matters because I'd probably just be given advice on how to reduce anxiety either way. My psychiatrist offered me a benzodiazepine last time, but I don't want to mess with that I don't think.

Ahhhhhhh cleaning alll day !!! My most favorite chore / coping skill. Everything is spotless

Was in the low 50’s today but strong wind but I flung alll the windows open for 5-10 mins , I need fresh air !

Pulled out some meatballs from freezer, also some frozen beef stock I make, it will become a gravy to have with meatballs and will serve over rice with broccoli

I love simple meals

Hugs everyone ~

Wander, it sounds like your therapist was helpful and understanding. I am sorry you were struggling and hope you feel more settled soon. Congrats on starting at your university. That sounds exciting, and also stressful. Do you think the stress is affecting you at all?

Sparkling house and simple meal? Sounds excellent!

Bluebicycle, I am glad the Cogentin is helping! What about trying some smoothies or protein shakes if your appetite is too low for food. Or, maybe try some nutrient dense snacks/small meals like nuts, etc throughout the day if you're not up for full meals? Just some ideas.

Are there any other support groups in your area? Maybe some local therapy practices know of some support or skills groups (that hopefully are free).

That is so sad about the guy from the hospital.

Thank you for this. **** hit the fan for me (again) in 2013. That’s when I experienced my first hypomania that I was aware of and my first mixed episode, as long as my first hospitalization in six years. I found an old blog detailing all this, and as it turns out, my husband first hurt his back a little bit before I got sick. This is when he started taking pain pills and started down his path to addiction. It is fair to say that even though my selfishness and poor decisions did not help the situation, I probably did not CAUSE the situation. It’ll take awhile to get that out of my head.

As for the rest, I know it is not useful to focus on the past. I think it is just my low grade depression talking. Plus I am super stressed about money now that I have this enormous vet debt. I am feeling bad about myself because it is impossible to make a higher wage for myself, because in terms of stability I cannot be a teacher. That’s why I feel like a failure.

But I will try not to perseverate on it.

I continue to feel low, but it’s only been three days. As Christina mentioned, it may be hormonal. If I go by my birth control pack, I should get my period next week sometime. We shall see.

Today I went to work, ate my breakfast as usual (yogurt and two mandarin oranges). Then, about an hour later I had to sprint to the bathroom and I ended up throwing up my whole breakfast. It was so odd. The same thing happened on Saturday; in the middle of the day I just felt nauseous and ended up throwing up twice. No idea why. After this morning I was afraid I could be pregnant, but it’s only been three weeks since my last period. There’s no way I would be getting symptoms this early. And anyway, I don’t feel pregnant like I did with my son. It’s just a different feeling in your body. I don’t feel that. And on top of everything, it’s virtually impossible because I am on birth control and we use protection anyway. So the chances are quite low. I figure it’s just the antibiotics and maybe all the post nasal drip from the sinus infection. I felt fine the rest of the day.

Sigh. I think I am just going to put some music on and lay in bed until bedtime.

Just been doing laundry. Listening to music. I should read tonight. That would be a good idea. My footsteps from when I came home several hours ago now are filled in- you can't see where they were. The car is covered in snow, but not as much as those cars that didn't go anywhere today are. I see pdoc on Friday afternoon. Still not sure what to say to her. Been taking more Haldol than usual- well "usual" is no PRN, so taking some PRN is more than usual! Maybe I could tell her that? She always wants to know what's going on in my life. Well, it snowed. That's everybody's life in the immediate county. I did take a shower this morning so I'm all clean in clean pajamas. Probably should wash the sheets sometime soon, but not tonight I don't think. We'll see.

Stranger things have happened. I've seen posts of people getting pregnant with IUDs in.

Thank you! Yeah, moving is super stressful. Hopefully that wears off as I settle in

I feel like I’m on the verge of psychosis. Have felt like that all day. I’m seeing my doctor tomorrow afternoon and it can’t come soon enough, I need to switch from abilify back to vraylar. I was doing a lot better on the vraylar, the only problem was my insurance wouldn’t cover it but there’s a patient assistance program form I can fill out from the drug manufacturer and get samples in the meantime while I wait for that to be processed.