severely pissed -- what to do?

What should have sounded my therapist's alarm? Well, the fact I said I am "very, very, very angry," the fact I said "I am severely pissed," and the fact I said I have been having to isolate myself to prevent me from doing something impulsive that I will regret. She obviously has no qualms about that.

People don't "isolate" themselves for no reason -- nor do people say they are constantly "severely pissed."

You would THINK that would sound an alarm, but nope.

A lot of people here care and have given good advice. You seem set on leaning on the same professionals that for months you have said do not care for you properly. The logic here is off Blue. I'm worried.

Just a little perspective, if you were doing these things in someone else's home you would be arrested and charged with a number of offenses. If you damage your apartment you will be held liable if they find out and they will have cause to kick you out. You may not suffered consequences for this kind of rage as a child, but if this gets out of control as an adult and the cops intervene it can severely damage your quality of life and your record that is pulled every time you need housing or a job. What if a neighbor hears you and becomes concerned and calls the authorities?

Explain to me why this isn't a check yourself in for emergency care situation?

I see your point, but I don't need emergency care. I am just angry at everything and just want to talk to someone about it in real life. I don't want to waste money and time at the hospital. I would rather find some kind of therapist, preferably one who cares. It's cheaper and will be more effective.

"I don't need emergency care."

This is what your therapist and pdoc are hearing. It is drowning out any other signal you may be giving them.


I honestly believe there is/has been a disconnect.

Most pdocs and therapists get into their professions because the want to help. There are some who maybe are not the best.

The odds that you'd get two practitioners who simply do not care?

Isn't it more likely they have been getting a mixed message from you?

Why not say: I really need to talk with you?
Or: I really need your help?

It's much more direct than the approach you'd said you were using AND it shows a clear desire to talk with her. You'd be making a specific request. No confusion.

You know we all care. I'm not criticizing you. I am trying to help you to see some of what's been going on.

You have recently "gone to the mat" in defense of your T !
I believe you believe all of the great things you've said about her.
I don't think the T you'd so vigorously defended would decide she just does not care about you.

It's not that they do not care about you. It IS more that you need to decide what you want … and express it with clarity.

Sending positive energy that you will be able to find the help you're comfortable with and will help you the most. Stay safe.

I'm thinking of you, blue.

I often feel let down by my psych providers. Sometimes I think it's not that they don't care as much as they're not sure what to do. For us, as patients, it is so very upsetting and sooo frustrating.

Good Morning, Blue,
Just checking in. I hope you are resting peacefully.
Much Love

I don't want to be involuntarily admitted to the hospital, but I want her to know that I am severely pissed off and have been for DAYS. I already expressed how angry I am by talking about isolation, flipping out on people, etc.. Now SHE is only adding fuel to the fire by ignoring me.

I don't know what else to say to her, honestly. I have been taking lots of klonopin just to sleep off the anger. Klonopin does nothing to relax me, though. It only makes me sleep... which is fine because I don't want to deal with the anger 24/7 anyways.

I just want her to respond, but that's wishful thinking at this point.

I am also partly agitated because of my stomach. I'm just not hungry anymore, and every time I eat, it bothers my stomach, so I don't eat much. It makes me nauseous, basically.

Good morning Blue. Thanks for checking in. I know you do not want to be admitted. I understand those feelings. I am curious though what state of being would warrant that?

Hopefully you will be honest about the full extent of what is going on when you speak with someone. I also hope they seek to honor your wishes. However, I wonder if professionally speaking it might be appropriate to seek admission for you. You are a danger to yourself at this point. We spoke maybe a week or so ago when you went off Rexulti about the eating and your thought patterns that seemed similar to the last time you were experiencing manic like issues. You stopped eating then and it evolved to the point it became physically painful to eat. You are now back in that boat with no strategy to improve. Your brain is not receiving the nutrients it needs to think properly. Your body is not receiving the nourishment it needs to suatain itself.

Your rage has escalated and there is no specific plan in place to address it. You have several critical issues going on. If I were a professional I might conclude you are not demonstrating an ability to care for your basic needs properly and you've been at that state for a while. They might feel you need more care than they can give in one session. I just want you to be prepared and maybe encourage you to be open to that route.

I am on your side and I hope you receive the best possible course of treatment for your situation. I just hope you will be open to whatever is in your best interest and the knowing that you're stuggling to see clearly at the moment. I fear you may hear something you do not like and reject it.

If this were me, my family would have used our 'code word' a long time ago and I would have known that it was time to get help immediately even if that meant an ER or IP. Calling and playing the waiting game with unresponsive pdocs and Ts would not be an option.

I am very hopeful you will get a return call very soon. I know this is incredibly difficult and I continue to hope it resolves in a way you can accept and comfortably receive the assistance you need.

I fully understand not wanting to be IP.

If I were you, I'd call the pdoc again. The squeaky wheel gets the grease, as they say. Screw whether she likes you or hasn't responded or whatever her issue is. The fact is you need intervention. If she is dragging her feet, make it clear that she must provide the care you, as her patient, needs right now. Make yourself stop personalizing her behavior and do what works to get the help that you must have at this time.

Good morning, blue!

I hope you have gotten some rest.
I am sorry your GI is now giving you problems. Do you have anything on hand to help with your stomach?

I do understand your conflict. If you sound the alarm too loudly, you might end up IP.

Have you and your T ever talked about a plan should you go into crisis? just wondering if you have done so, and if so, might recall some of it.

You are between a rock and a hard place, for sure.

Is there any chance at all that you have not been able to tell your T (on voicemail) all you have shared with us re: what you have told her? What I mean is: Originally, you'd told us you'd given her very limited info and you'd told us which info. When we'd urged you to give her more info, you'd replied with a list of things you have told her and this list did not match the first list you had shared with us. I am wondering if there are possibly some misunderstandings simply because of your current psychiatric status? I'm wondering if you think it's possible you have not given her the info you think you have given to her?

I think you do know I care. I think of you as a good friend, even a sister. We have spent quite a bit of time together at times. We have some great conversations. We've laughed together, we've complained together, we've supported one another. I am trying very hard to help you find a viable solution. I am very SAD you are having an exacerbation of illness and that I cannot seem to reach you or cannot seem to find a solution you can accept.

I am very concerned and very SAD that I cannot help you to find a way to get what you need. I hope you will find a solution you CAN live with. I hope you will keep yourself safe until you are able to get help. I am not sure of what to suggest next. I'll think on it, Love ya, kiddo !

I don't want to seek admission. I just seek relief, and I'm not getting that from anybody. They just don't give a **** about how I feel or what I'm going through.

I have my therapist appointment tomorrow, but I'm wondering if I should even go. She is just going to piss me off even more and I don't want to get violent or verbally abusive. I already want to call her a ******* **** ******, a *****, etc. to her face.

I am ******* done with her. I don't need a "provider" who doesn't give a ****. I even called the front desk to see if she was in today, and they said she's been in all week.

I will probably blow up on her if I go to my therapy appointment tomorrow.

Yeah, I plan on leaving my pdoc another voicemail.

My therapist is not getting another voicemail from me, though. She's irrelevant at this point as far as I'm concerned. You can't force someone to care, anyway, and she obviously doesn't care since she's been in all week and has had PLENTY of opportunity to call me back. All it takes is 5 minutes. Just FIVE MINUTES. She can't afford 5 minutes of her time?

No, my therapist and I have never come up with a crisis plan, but if I ever do come up with a crisis plan, she ISN'T going to be a part of it. I will make sure of that. I don't want her as a part of my crisis plan because she's ******** useless.

The only info I've withheld from her is that I am still destroying **** left and right. Well, I also didn't tell her that this anger makes me want to die because it's overwhelming me.

Now that I think of it, no matter what I say, she probably doesn't give a **** anyways, so I guess it couldn't have hurt earlier to tell her those things since she'd ignore them anyways.

Maybe I should just go back to my horny therapist who talked about himself masturbating. At least he responded when I called him.

I know what you don't want. It makes sense, but it doesn't at the same time. You're projecting onto them more than owning your own behavior and ensuring you get help. Your words here are not true to the essence of your being. This is not you Blue.

I hope you can listen to what WC said recently. Your friends who love you are doing their best to help.

Your providers are not ultimately responsible for your health. You are. You have to seek new providers when you aren't getting the help you need in the time frame you need it. Your rage keeps escalating here. I agree you might do something extreme if you see your providers, but you need help. Why are you stuck on them being the only answer and simultaneously stating you know they do not care and will not help? It is a loop of thought with no solution. You need a solution. What other paths for help can you see?

Can a friend call on your behalf?
Is it now worth a longer drive to get to an urgent care clinic?
Have you researched reaching out to one of the crisis lines?

You are responsible for taking care of yourself and your therapist may be a jerk. Both can be true.

Whether she's a terrific T who has slipped up, or whether she's a supreme loser of a T - bottom line is it feels like hell to be in the place you're in and be ignored by your therapist. Enraging, yeah - but it probably hurts a lot, too?

My opinion is that communicating with your pdoc is essential now.

How are you doing this evening? Any changes to the situation?

Checking in... Hope you are doing okay this evening. (Maybe you're asleep?)

Nope. Still pissed. In fact, I feel even WORSE than yesterday.

I am at my therapy office early and I am sitting in my car. I swear to god I want to f***ing punch something. I don't want to be here. I want to be left alone before I hurt someone.

I will probably lash out at my therapist and swear at her because she pisses me off.

I am just enraged. I am seeing red. I want everyone in real life to leave me alone and f*** off. I don't give a f***.

I am still pissed that I can barely eat, so that isn't helping the situation. I feel like puking when I eat "too much," and then my stomach causes a sharp pain. I am not even eating that much!! I eat like a five year old. Or maybe five year olds eat more than I do right now.

I don't know what is causing me to be so pissed, but I just AM. Everything f***ing pisses me off, and I am even pissed when I am alone and not doing anything. I am afraid I will hurt someone who pisses me off.

Are you still on Adderall? Could it be that is causing anger and distress without the Rexulti?

No judgment - that's got to be a horrible feeling. I hope you start to feel better soon.

Let us know how your session goes. I so feel for you, blue, and obviously many of us here are concerned.

Hi Blue, I am hoping and praying you will get what you need without resorting to any violence. Hope you remember our talks. Love ya!

No, I'm on Ritalin right now. I don't know if it's causing the anger and distress, though. It wasn't causing any problems when I stopped Rexulti 3 weeks ago, and the anger hasn't been an issue until now.

According to my therapist, I have a pissed off look on my face that I wasn't even aware of.

I told her she pissed me off for ignoring me, and she said she was sorry and that "it won't happen again." Not sure if I trust that.

She told me to do breathing exercises, watch TV, watch movies, get some exercise, and hang out with my parents.

She wants me to come back on Wednesday next week. Not sure if I really want to go to that, though. I certainly didn't want to be in the therapy office today because I wanted to be left alone.

I didn't tell her that I wanted to f***ing punch the s*** out of something, though. That probably would've made her fear for her life. So, I left that part out.

Also, my pdoc's POS "assistant" got back to me and said that my pdoc wants me to start Rexulti again, but at a lower dose because of the akathisia.

HI Blue,
Thanks for the update.

It's a start! Your T promises to return your calls! There's some progress.
Your pdoc is on board and is trying to help (med-wise).

I agree, I also feel akathisia has been playing a part in this, even if not the major factor. He prescribed low dose Rexulti; did he also prescribe cogentin or something similar?

I hope you will think of getting something for your stomach if your GI doc has prescribed in the past. Also maybe get some food you might find more tolerable.

Maybe schedule to see a doctor about your stomach issues?

Do you feel the ideas your T gave you for defusing (or distracting) your anger will be helpful?

We are here for you. Much Love to You!