Bipolar check-in #44

Last week my pdoc lowered my Risperdal dose after me reporting I'm not manic anymore. I feel like I'm going hypomanic again now. I've been having trouble sleeping and have been speeding/driving recklessly, and I am full of energy. I get my injection later today so hopefully that'll help bring me down a little bit over the next few days. I think it's a combo of spring, warmer weather, daylight savings, and more sunlight. I just hope this is over quick because I have a book from the library I want to read but my mind is just too chaotic right now to read.

I think it's great how you are able to handle the stress from your students. Your caring obviously helps with that.

I'm glad you have a GP appointment soon. Maybe they will be able to give you something to help with your bp. My husband recently bought a new blood pressure monitor that he likes. It's one that goes around his wrist.

I'm glad you got out for a walk, Pookyl. I had a period when I experienced agoraphobia. Coping skills and exposure really did help me over time. Sometimes if I was too nervous in places like the grocery store or a movie theater, I would go to my car to calm down. Then I would return. Over time, I no longer needed to do that.

I don't think losing weight on Seroquel XR is impossible, but for me it does get harder the higher my dose becomes. I have found that when I take as little as 500 mg, dieting becomes much easier. I have lost 10 lbs on doses of 500 mg in the past. The key for me is to not be under too much stress. It's often the stress that is the real challenge, for me.

Innerzone, that's great that you have set strict boundaries with your ex. I hope he doesn't test them too much.

BeyondtheRainbow, I hope you don't need to transition to a new medication, if at all possible. Keep bugging them, if needed.

Wild Coyote, I'm glad to see you around here at PC again, but understand your need to take time for recovery from your injuries.

spikes, I've had trouble concentrating lately, too. If you can get through the library book, you can always borrow it again.

Yesterday I mentioned that I bought a spring dress and three spring-like blouses. I had also had my eyes set on another spring dress, but resisted because it was full price, with no possible discounts. Well, I looked again today and there was a 40% off full price items. They were almost sold out of most sizes, but had the size that I likely am. I confess I bought it. Yesterday, I also set up an appointment for a hair color touch up, trim, and eyebrow wax. I'll really be shelling out the moohla. Plus, I made an appointment to get our taxes done. I'm not looking forward to that. And, it has been forever since my psychiatrist sent me a bill for the copays. He's really odd. He doesn't charge me copays every time I see him. He basically sends a bill for all of them only once per year. That's always a scary bill. Sometimes I even have to remind my psychiatrist that's it's been a very long time. I know he'd eventually remember, but I try not to let the balance accumulate to be too frightening.

I did a lot of laundry yesterday. I want to throw some old stuff out.

Today I have my therapist appointment, and the French class is supposed to happen in the evening. I know that I will go to the therapy, but the French class looms causing me some dread. I know there really isn't a good reason for that, but I feel the dread nonetheless.

My anxiety issues are welling up again. I’ve never had this much trouble before with it and now it’s affecting the things that should be making me feel better. I’ve cancelled lunch dates with friends at the last minute because of panic. I literally rushed out of the church before it started because I got panicky, and I don’t sleep well at all either. What the hell is going on with me? Things that are supposed to bring me joy are causing me to have excessive anxiety and at times panic attacks. I just don’t know how to go about fixing it. These things are the suggestions my therapist told me to do to have control in my life and keep moving forward. I just don’t think I’m ever gonna fix this problem. Ugh.

That’s all I guess.
MarcusAurelius

Hope things start improving soon, panic and anxiety are horrible, they’re so paralyzing sometimes

I think that’s good that you resisted buying the dress full price. Even if you bought it afterwards when it was on sale that’s still really good. I struggle with compulsive shopping especially when hypo or manic and it’s really hard to resist or exercise self control, but you did and even got a deal on it later

Sometimes, I feel it's quite uplifting to get out and to get clothing, esp Spring clothing! I love the lighter colors! it sounds like you are taking good care of yourself!
Oh, my last pdoc gave me one bill at the end of the year!
Much Love to You!

Today is voting day. N3 doesn't think he's registered even though he remembers them asking him if he wanted to register at the secretary of state. I pick him up soon so we'll see what happens. It might be that I'm the only one voting today between the two of us.

@MarcusAureliusI hope your anxiety lessens! Its one of the worst feelings. I'd rather be depressed than anxious.

@BirdDancer Good for you for getting those clothes, especially the dress that was 40% off!

@Innerzone I think that's great that you've put your foot down with regards to your ex. He will test your boundaries I'm sure, but stay firm.

@Wild Coyote I hope you are healing from your fall. Bruises hurt! You got pretty banged up.

I am sorry you are going through this. No fun.

I imagine your T gave you some coping skills?

I feel strongly that when anxiety continues on like you are describing, it is time to consider a benzo. I say this because as anxiety continues and progresses, people can start having anxiety attacks. These levels and the frequency of anxiety attacks can become self-perpetuating. If this occurs, things continue to spiral out of control.

Your pdoc might use a totally different class of meds for anxiety and that is fine, definitely worth a try. The sooner you have intervention, the better.
I am sure you feel like you'd like intervention ASAP!

I hope you feel better soon!

@Moose72 Thank you! It was quite a ride!

So I went for a long walk yesterday. N3 and I walked to his piano lesson and back. Its a couple miles each way, I think. I'll have to check. Boy was my butt sore - just from walking! But I was walking at quite a clip to keep up with N3. I went to my mom's place while he was having his lesson- the piano teacher and my mom live a few blocks from each other. Shows me just how out of shape I am! But I felt good the rest of the day- the exercise endorphines kicked in. It doesn't help (or maybe it does?) that I have to walk a lot faster to keep up because N3's legs are longer than mine. This Spring and Summer, I'm going to ride my bike to get more exercise in. My liver doctor doesn't think walking is enough exertion but I think it is- especially if you walk at a clip like I have been. Don't get me wrong, I'm still out of shape. I'd like to get off Seroquel - pdoc says its just for sleep at this point, but hasn't taken me off completely.

As you know, it can be very tough to stop gaining and to begin to lose.
I hear varying opinions on low -dose Seroquel. Some docs say the low dose does nothing to hold onto weight. Others say that even those with a low does tend to gain weight!

I did have a time when I was loosing weight when taking a higher doses of Seroquel. I was doing a ketogenic diet at the time. I was not doing a fad type of keto, I was doing the old one, the one set up to help kids with seizures. (This version worked well, yet gave me very high cholesterol/lipids.

Sounds like you are trying and you can only do whatever you can do!
Keep it up! Much Love

It's getting a little too real now.

Our area school has closed due to ill teachers. The teachers were staying in a hotel last week where many people have now tested positive for the virus.

An area hospital is conducting drive through testing. People drive up in their car and remain in their car. Hospital staff, dressed in protective clothing, step up to he car and swab the patient. The car then leaves. Test results are available to the patients either online or via telephone, whichever one prefers.

If anyone wants to know the precautions for homes, for public buildings, etc., as listed by the CDC.: Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Take Care

Well, I'm home early from my therapy. Why? Because of a car issue. I drove to tdoc's office (about 30 mins away) and parked in her complex parking lot. For some odd reason, I attempted to restart my car, only to find the battery dead. I had to call roadside assistance. I didn't think they'd arrive for at least the length of time of my therapy, but they came only 20 mins in, so I had to leave therapy early. Tdoc told me I was hypomanic. Maybe I was a little, but the whole shabang wasn't exactly helping with excitability. She suggested that I warn the service rep at Honda that if I seem excitable, that that's just a mood state I am in. I confess that I laughed at that suggestion and kind of mocked it, but not in a way that would offend her. I mean, like, "Sir, if I seem bat **** crazy, don't worry! It's just a mood state. I'm actually harmless."

Roadside assistance guy managed to jump start my car, so I drove directly to the Honda dealership near my home. I was paranoid that it would stall for some off reason (I drive stick), so I was revving the sucker all along the way. If it had stalled along the way, it is certain that the spot would not be as friendly for assistance as my therapist's parking lot. Traffic is nuts along the way. I had to drive on Route 1, which is not exactly a place you'd want to stall, and then on these narrow congested roads from then on. We'll see what the Honda service person says. I hope it's just my battery, which is still under warranty. I told him I wanted to go home, rather than wait. I was ready to walk home (about 15 mins walk), but they insisted on driving me. I accepted because it's raining. And no, I didn't have to warn him about myself. I was calm and as sweet as pie.

When the driver got me home, I realized that the service rep hadn't given me the rest of my keys. I had to go to a secret place to get "emergency" keys. Luckily I'm in the house and not planning to leave for the rest of the day. What a way to find a good excuse not to have to go to French class!

I just took the extra prn Seroquel a few minutes ago. Boo! But at least now it's sunny. I won't go outside, though, for fear I'll forget the emergency keys and really be locked out of the house. Then I'd have to walk to the Honda dealership and get my regular keys.

Grrrrrrrr
Feeling a bit lost

Moose, I hope N3 does get to vote. It is a wonderful feeling. If he can't in a primary/caucus (whichever you're having), it would be great that he be set up for the general elections. I feel strongly about people voting.

Exercise is important for losing weight, but diet, from my experience and what I've learned, is the most important. It's hard to diet, even for people who don't take medications at all. I know it can be done, even on them, though. In my case, sometimes the stars have to be aligned the right way (meaning my moods). When they are, weight loss is possible. Two years ago, I lost 10 lbs on 500 mg of Seroquel XR. Yes, it's been hard to do it at other times, but is not impossible. I go up and down in the same seven pound range even on my 600 mg. Luckily, I'm at the low end right now. I will say that my mood is likely playing a part.

Seroquel? I was skinny, having lost the weight from Paxil grrr
Then another smart *** doctor (who may have been well meaning) put me on seroquel
And then left the area
Grrrrr
I stopped the seroquel..
And now?

I want to be more in shape, not just lose weight. I'll have to talk to my pdoc about the seroquel, but I don't see her until the end of April. I've been stuck at the same weight for ages now.

Hey ! when I forget my meds I call it the attack of being 80 years old ! It is just awful.. Hope you can get things back on track..

As for Ex ? You have a whole new set of realities about him . You have your eyes open and I doubt you will fall into the old ways.. Actions are much better than words, yes

Congrads on such a long stretch of stability , so happy for you

[QUOTE=BeyondtheRainbow;6789798]I'm so anxious. I can't remember if I've mentioned this but I get Emsam through patient assistance. It is $950/month otherwirse and needless to say I don't have that. They didn't notify me about a renewal and my doctor's office convinced me to wait for a while and ultimately I ran out of refills and needed to re-apply and didn't know it. I had some meds backlogged so I didn't know for a while. Well, now there's a big mess about whether I've disqualified for the program and I'm completely stressed out about it because Emsam is the only AD that has ever helped me. Plus if I have to go off it I'll have to go IP to transition to something else. And I don't want to do IP.

Anyway, I've spent a lot of time in the last week trying to get paperwork in and getting frustrated because the company loses 50% of what I send, even when it goes as one fax. I need them to get it all so I can appeal. I only have 3.5 weeks of meds left. I need my pdoc to fight for me, which she will but probably not unless it is in person. I see her in a week which is cutting it close but if she fought she'd probably win based on the past so I can wait. However now the COVID19 thing means going to see her may not be a good idea at all and I'll have to work out something with her to have any appointment. I think she does telehealth but that doesn't solve my need to fight with the Emsam people. I have no idea how we'll work it out for her to fight with patient assistance people.

My therapist is out of town for a few days getting trained in EMDR. Naturally he's in a place that has had cases of COVID. He is doing Friday appointments he doesn't usually do but I didn't schedule one because I was supposed to be doing something else that day. But now I"m not sure I'll be seeing him for a while; I may have to do phone sessions for a while.

My mom is making the COVID thing hard; I think there are reasonable ways to stay safe in public right now and she disagrees. And since I practically live with her and she's over the age of concern and I've got asthma that is a concern with the virus it's really hard to dispute her points.

I'm so anxious tonight that I think I'm going to have to take a PRN which I hate since I'm trying to adjust to the time change.


Oh no What a scary prospect.. I hope you can get all this figured out quickly.. I have been in your shoes years ago... Im sure your Pdoc can help you get it figured out quickly

Im glad that you are noticing thing headed for trouble , Does your shot usally help quickly? would it possible to nudge your Risperdal back up for a bit to even things back out sooner rather than later?

Huh... I guess MA just declared a state of emergency for coronavirus because there are over 90 cases. I probably want to work from home from now on... at least until a vaccine arrives.

Always trust China to have poor food handling laws and create new viruses...

In other news, I have been very lightheaded lately... Like, I get up and feel like I'm going to faint. Not sure what's up with that.

Also, I had my guitar lesson today and it didn't go very well... I was supposed to memorize a bunch of things, but because my memory is s***, I don't remember half of the s***.

Another crazy day. Two students from my class got suspended so at least it will be quiet tomorrow.

I was a bit dizzy today, pulse is only a bit high. I found my bp monitor and my bp is still high. I just don’t get it. It was absolutely fine three weeks ago. What could have changed? I’ve always had a high pulse, not quit as high as it is now but still. I just don’t understand the blood pressure thing. At least I only have two days until my appt with my primary care dr. This whole thing is causing me quite a bit of anxiety. Which make my pulse even higher!