[~Christina]

Originally Posted by ADWith

Thank you for what your doing here. I believe it is consequential to know your triggers are and take part in hobbies that will help get your mind off those triggers. That's the only thing that saved me.

Thank you Glad you are doing well

[~Christina]

I've always struggled at times with Suicidal thinking, Its just part of my particular Bipolar soup. Most days its a passing thought, Other times when I am not doing well I need to pull out my safety plan and work the steps and hurdles and reach out for help...

My T asks the same questions per the companies policy if I have wanted to go to sleep and not wake up , Have I thought of ending things and if so how ? and do I plan to carry that out..

My husband has been very sick for a month now... When I talked to my T 2 weeks ago, he asks me the questions.. Reality hit me .. I do not have the "luxury" of thinking about suicide anymore, When I would either get shoved into a situational hopeless place or my chronic pain had me once again thinking .... Why ? what is the point of getting up each day..

I cant day dream that I no longer exist, or not have chronic pain that is so bad it hurts to breath, I cant escape into that place that often honestly is comforting, knowing I can pick and choose to stay or go.. the "thinking" was a coping skill and now its been ripped away from me...

This is something I need to talk to my T about....

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I've always struggled at times with Suicidal thinking, Its just part of my particular Bipolar soup. Most days its a passing thought, Other times when I am not doing well I need to pull out my safety plan and work the steps and hurdles and reach out for help...

My T asks the same questions per the companies policy if I have wanted to go to sleep and not wake up , Have I thought of ending things and if so how ? and do I plan to carry that out..

My husband has been very sick for a month now... When I talked to my T 2 weeks ago, he asks me the questions.. Reality hit me .. I do not have the "luxury" of thinking about suicide anymore, When I would either get shoved into a situational hopeless place or my chronic pain had me once again thinking .... Why ? what is the point of getting up each day..

I cant day dream that I no longer exist, or not have chronic pain that is so bad it hurts to breath, I cant escape into that place that often honestly is comforting, knowing I can pick and choose to stay or go.. the "thinking" was a coping skill and now its been ripped away from me...

This is something I need to talk to my T about....

You have a tremendous amount of stress, pain, grief/sadness to cope with every single day. You've been doing an outstanding job. There comes a time when we all can use more support.

I fully intend to be here for you.

[~Christina]

Thank you WC

[Crook32]

I need these thoughts to stop. I feel like my brain is working against me. I need to quiet it.

Once in my life, living much more depressed than I am now, suicide was a regular consideration. Now, I am older, wiser, stronger and a better me, and even though I struggle with my life, my goals and my dreams, I now know that the sun will rise and tomorrow will be a new day. I know this seems silly but giving yourself one more day makes a world of difference. Please keep on keepin’ on and live life the way you intend to live it.

[~Christina]

Crook is your punching bag still helpful? I wish I had a trick to get rid of the thoughts but I have learned to live with it, I think it, I acknowledge it and I think of something I can do physically.. Usually for me its cleaning..

Maybe you can acknowledge it and say Ok this is how I feel right now but tomorrow its likely to change.

Do you have any plans for the weekend? Yes things are so different with Covid but having something to look forward too helps

[~Christina]

ann bog that is a wonderful way to deal with the thoughts

[Crook32]

Have taken a couple days off from the punching bag. I been having side effects from meds and haven’t felt like it.

[~Christina]

Crook ... Maybe just taking a walk could help? Change up your scenery? I know you have Kids are there any games you can play with them to get your out of your own head? I dont know where you live , but its hot as hell here in TN, If I had kids I'd likely be outside playing in the sprinklers or water hose...

Hope the Med side effects go away quickly

[stahrgeyzer]

Although I don't have bipolar, I have BPD (borderline personality disorder). It's hard to say what %. Percentage figures for bipolar & BPD are still all over the place from survey to survey. The last one I saw said 70% of people with BPD attempt suicide. It's something I struggle with, but it goes it cycles. Every time a bad cycle ends I hope there won't be another cycle, but it always seems to happen. I'm hoping with the new meds & a better therapist I'll never do SI or planning or attempts ever again! It's been about a month now and it's still almost impossible to do things. Life's getting better but that depression is bad. I guess that's the bad thing about having BPD is that meds don't take away depression, but supposedly dialectical behavior therapy can.

[~Christina]

Stahrgeyzer

Are you cycles related to Hormones ? Yes DBT is helpful for someone with Borderline.. DBT is tough.. A couple Bipolar/ Borderline friends agreed to 12 months of weekly sessions.. Oh damn they would cuss a blue streak at times but it has helped them cope with life better...

Do you have triggers that set suicidal thoughts into motion?

[stahrgeyzer]

Hi Christina,
The daughter of my email-friend said she hates DBT. So I'm starting to wonder if DBT is hard. Makes me wonder what kind of therapy. Shock therapy?
Anything that makes me feel overwhelmed, hopeless, isolated, alone, different can trigger me.

[~Christina]

DBT is hard at times.. because its changing your thoughts and reactions to XYZ ..

I dont have Borderline but I have a few strong traits .. I have a huge issue with abandonment... years ago if my husband is 7 mins late from getting home I immediately think OMG car accident, Is he hurt? did the car roll off the road? could he be in the creek and half way to drowning, Should I text him again ? I've only sent 12 in the last 11 mins! I have gone full on panic attack for no reason........ So I have had to reel all that back in and be more rational and use logic..

Has he been late coming home and been in an accident before? no , so Why am I assuming the worst? Okay people run late, maybe he stopped at the store, maybe hes calling the kids( we dont have cell service at our house so we drive to town to use the phone)
My husband knows that I have this issue but I cant make it ALL HIS issue too... If he knows he will be running more than 25-30 mins late he will sent me a Text, and its usually " do you need anything I'm headed home?"

So I have to change MY reaction to him running late...

But like if my husband has forgotten to turn his phone off silent and Hes late by 35-45 mins and I have sent a couple texts he doesnt respond and he comes home an hour later??? I am angry because it scared me ! and I can be mad at him and that's fine, that's not over the top reaction..

So its about relearning how to react to people and your life events so that emotionally your not on a roller coaster from hell. It can be very mentally overwhelming at times.. But I think Borderline or not DBT can be helpful to pretty much everyone in some way or another.

What my friends have told me is often its 2 steps forward 2 back , one forward half back then 2 steps forward then 1/4 step back.. But over time it does get easier..Its just a process, its life and its messy sometimes but we just keep trying

[The_little_didgee]

The last time I thought about it was 6 years ago. After 4 weeks of doing research I had a plan that was lethal. Something stopped me. It wasn't family or the thought of my death. It was concern. For some reason I was worried about traumatizing the person who would find me. It was enough to keep me alive. The urges were very strong for about three days. Somehow I got through it, without telling anyone, even my psychiatrist, who was treating me for depression at the time. She only found out about it two years later. - I kept so much from her.

My first attempt was at 18. Certain medications seemed to induce suicidal thoughts. When I was on them, I was constantly suicidal. It was awful and traumatizing. Out of misery, I stopped all medications when I was 20. My head cleared and the thoughts disappeared.

I have been to the ER and found it to be the most invalidating place. I can still remember being told at the age of 20, that I was always feeling suicidal by a nasty psychiatrist. I'll never forget her. I stopped visiting the ER after that, and will never ever go back to one for that reason. Ever.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by The_little_didgee

The last time I thought about it was 6 years ago. After 4 weeks of doing research I had a plan that was lethal. Something stopped me. It wasn't family or the thought of my death. It was concern. For some reason I was worried about traumatizing the person who would find me. It was enough to keep me alive. The urges were very strong for about three days. Somehow I got through it, without telling anyone, even my psychiatrist, who was treating me for depression at the time. She only found out about it two years later. - I kept so much from her.

My first attempt was at 18. Certain medications seemed to induce suicidal thoughts. When I was on them, I was constantly suicidal. It was awful and traumatizing. Out of misery, I stopped all medications when I was 20. My head cleared and the thoughts disappeared.

I have been to the ER and found it to be the most invalidating place. I can still remember being told at the age of 20, that I was always feeling suicidal by a nasty psychiatrist. I'll never forget her. I stopped visiting the ER after that, and will never ever go back to one for that reason. Ever.

I've had horrible experiences in the ER (for mental health). Vicious, sadistic sh*ts for pdocs. Seriously, they should not have been licensed. I am determined never to go to an ER for psych reasons again.

I'm in such pain i want to die. I want it to be over.

[~Christina]

Whatever

Are you dealing with physical pain? emotional pain ? or both?

@~Christina: Thanks for the question. It was emotional pain. I feel better today. Still not great but things seem bearable. Hope things are going better for you as well!

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by stahrgeyzer

Although I don't have bipolar, I have BPD (borderline personality disorder). It's hard to say what %. Percentage figures for bipolar & BPD are still all over the place from survey to survey. The last one I saw said 70% of people with BPD attempt suicide. It's something I struggle with, but it goes it cycles. Every time a bad cycle ends I hope there won't be another cycle, but it always seems to happen. I'm hoping with the new meds & a better therapist I'll never do SI or planning or attempts ever again! It's been about a month now and it's still almost impossible to do things. Life's getting better but that depression is bad. I guess that's the bad thing about having BPD is that meds don't take away depression, but supposedly dialectical behavior therapy can.

I just have bipolar 1, but have taken DBT three times over the years. I use it every single day. It is a huge part of my recovery. So practical and useful and helpful. Highly recommended.

[~Christina]

Hi guys !

As many of you know I am dealing with a very scary situation. I have had for years passive suicidal thoughts, Nothing I had to really worry much about until I started checking off things on my safety contract, Well lately I am having some very strong " thoughts" I know that I can NOT do anything. But I truly fear if my husband were to die I could very easily make a quick exit..

My T is aware of my situation and we have a plan if I do need to reach out asap if my life is spinning out of control..

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Hi guys !

As many of you know I am dealing with a very scary situation. I have had for years passive suicidal thoughts, Nothing I had to really worry much about until I started checking off things on my safety contract, Well lately I am having some very strong " thoughts" I know that I can NOT do anything. But I truly fear if my husband were to die I could very easily make a quick exit..

My T is aware of my situation and we have a plan if I do need to reach out asap if my life is spinning out of control..

Sorry to hear that, Christina.

I think a lot of people here and in real life would be deeply saddened if you made a quick exit. We all care about you, even if we don't actually know you in real life.

I know Steve means a lot to you, and I am upset for you. These dark times are challenging on their own.

Please continue to stay safe and reach out to us for support.

[~Christina]

Thanks Blue

[bpcyclist]

Praying for you.

[~Christina]

Thanks Bpcyclist