Bipolar check in #45

Thank you for the kind words, downandlonely. I am just doing the best I can under these circumstances. I'm not very good at this.

I have followed your story about your dad, when you have shared about it. I am sorry for those struggles, truly, I am.

My dad has been mostly extremely supportive and very loving, pretty much forever, in a sort of largely nonverbal, late 1950s American Male sort of way.


That said, I do not know why he didn't come see me. He is in contact with my brother, who completely abandoned and excommunicated me long ago. He is a complete ah***. I do not hate anyone, at least I don't think I do, but without question, if anyone comes close in that category, it is my "brother." I have spent more hours in therapy talking about him than any ex or parent or anyone--ever. By far. So abusive.

So, maybe my "brother"'s venom for me has worn off on my dad, though I do doubt that. I think he probably just grew tired of the constant bad news and pain and brain illness with no end and backed off. Dunno. At the end of the day, the truth is, the facts are, that he was more than happy to let me go back to that hellhole for another year and a-half because he couldn't be bothered with spending what would have amounted to a latte a day for him. That is reality. And I have to manage that somehow.


Anyway, glad I am working on this. No idea where it is gong.

Haldol (also known as haloperidol) is an antipsychotic medication. In hospice, it is used to treat terminal delirium, severe agitation in end-stage dementia. Sometimes it's also used in the treatment of nausea and vomiting and can even be used to treat intractable hiccups. When is Haldol the Right Choice?

Interesting! hiccups!

Very interesting. Never heard of haldol being used to treat hiccups!

FWIW, my grandmother's psychiatrist said that Haldol is bad for elderly people because it doubles their risk of death. He took her off it (after another psychiatrist put her on it) and put her on Seroquel, then Zyprexa, then Geodon w/ Depakote. Of course even atypical like those three still increase the risk of death, but their risk is lower. Ideally, though, APs should be a last resort for elderly people. My grandma needed an AP because she was hallucinating and delusional literally 24/7, and she was having a big angry manic episode in IP. (Bipolar and dementia together.)

Thanks

I cant speak for everyone but my Fibromyagia has lots of triggers to increase pain, Weather and fronts whether it be cold or rain always is a problem, This massive bloom of pollen is another.. Its like anytime something external is a problem like too cold, hot , pollen, sinues, any kind of cold or infections they all spell PAIN . Fibro is because our nervous sysytem is always running in high gear then add any of the above and it makes it just worse worse worse.... My normal pain level hangs around a 7 but im near a 8.5 and climbing.

And Stress does play a part.. Anyone that has any stress going on..... most everyone is having tense muscles, people tend to scrunch up there shoulders( where are your shoulder right now, raised up or relaxed down?) ,hands tend to make more of a fist , instead or lay open.. That Im not able to take a full deep breath, My rib cage is on fire.. That is the frosting on a shytcake than I am in for a hell of a round.

Its such a bone deep ache and fatigue that no amount of sleep will fix .. But it could be something worse, Thats the way I choose to look at it, I have to look at it that way.

I loved seeing the picks of your Hummingbirds I hope they return soon, I love just sitting and watching mine too

Just sayin' I'm still around

MarcusAurelius

Im glad you are still here

I am so sorry you are hurting so, Christina. I cannot imagine what you, and others dealing with related things, suffer through on a daily basis. I feel badly about coming in here and complaining about my malfunctioning brain when so many others are dealing with not only bipolar stuff but also these terrible physical challenges as well. i have none of that and yet, I find this almost not daoble some days. Just can't imagine how hard it must be.

Sending you and everyone else physically suffering healing, peaceful, happy neurons. I hope it gets better soon, somehow, some way.

Hugs and love!!!

My mood swings must have been injection related. They went away. I for sure don’t feel like I am going to get my period in 6 days. Last time was a complete **** show with almost being sent IP twice, SI, and I was just a mess. This time I’m not even sure I’m going to get my period. I thought for sure it would be another **** show except worse. Weird.

Thanks

Yes dealing with a chronic pain on top of issues with mental health can indeed make some days very trying.

But comparing Apples, Oranges and Bananas never goes far.. we are all handed a life and we make the best of it we can. I hope your stuggle eases soon and you find some stability

Thank you for your concern and kind words

Glad you have your bike, what a wonderful way to help clear your mind

I actually did some work this weekend. I am shocked I was able to even do anything! I was panicking about presences all day on Friday and wasn't productive AT ALL, but taking some klonopin during the day (both yesterday and today) and talking to my mom while I did some work relaxed me enough that I could stop focusing on the negatives. Only downside is that klonopin made me sleepy... yet not sleepy enough to fall asleep during the day. Normally it makes me take a nap, so I hope I'm not adapting to its sedative effects because I'll need it tonight.

I want to try working tomorrow without any klonopin, especially since my prescription was for only 15 tablets and I've already taken a bunch.

I've decided that I'm going to call my pdoc's office at around 10:15am and force them to make my pdoc's assistant respond to my voicemail. (As I said before, she starts at 10am. So, I figure that even if she is running late to work, she should be there by 10:15am. I'm not sure if she is working in the office or working from home though. The office is still open, technically.)

I hope you get a response to your voicemail, blue.

Today I had to install an app on my phone in order to talk with my pdoc tomorrow. This was the first app I had installed since buying the phone I don't know how many years ago. I was so frustrated not knowing my password, trying to retrieve it via security questions, and getting them wrong thus locking myself out. If I were a person who yells, screams, and throws things, I certainly would've done.

Thanks, Daonnachd.

Sorry to hear about your phone situation. Was it the VSee app?

I do not know if you have iPhone or Android, but on the iPhone, you can set your preferences such that you do not need to enter your password to install free apps. I would imagine Android had the same feature, which could make things easier in the future.

This Risperdal/Ativan increase isn't helping at all with the agitation. It did help with the voices, but I'm still hypomanic. I'm starting to think Risperdal isn't working out for me, which is scary because I go back to work in a month and I don't want to be fiddling with meds at that time. Why the **** can't I just find a ****ing med without making things worse. I wish I knew what would work. I'm starting to have suicidal thoughts. I haven't been stable at all this year and it's probably my worst yet even though I'm handling it better than I previously would. That's good, that's what the goal was in IOP, but I don't want to just handle things, that's going to make for a ****** life. I'm sick of bouncing my ****ing leg but I can't stop it because I have too much ******* energy and for a minute yesterday it abated after I went on a walk/run for an hour, but I can't do that RIGHT NOW because my hair is wet and it's cold out so I have to wait for my ******* hair to dry and it's just not a good time in my head right now. I punched the wall in the shower and I shouldn't have even taken the shower even though I needed it. I'm going to go journal the **** out of this and there's going to be so many scratches and swears and illegible writing it's going to be so cathartic.

Normally I go into work an hour early and would be there right now. I suppose I'm dragging my feet today. I'd much rather be home.

sorry to hear that, spikes. weren't you on clozapine before? I thought clozapine worked out well for you, but that you had a difficult time getting it from the pharmacy. however, my memory is hazy and I could be remembering wrong. though, I completely understand that you would have to go into a medical facility to get bloodwork done, so I can imagine that isn't exactly something that most people want to do at this time.

have you ever thought about punching a pillow, if you feel the need to punch something? journaling sounds like a great idea, though. I hope that helps.

Edit: have you tried in-home exercises while your hair is wet? I know I'm saying that a lot to people, but I think it's easy to do body weight exercises to release the excessive energy and negative feelings.

Sorry to hear that, scatterbrained. I think this whole situation is unfortunate. I hope your day goes well though.

Morning.... plan on sitting outside to get some sun later even though I don't want to.. I want to just stay inside my apartment for the next year or so.

Not much going on, same stuff as usual. Should be getting one of those care packages my apartment complex is giving out this week soon. Also have some packages coming in the mail. Clothes, the foldable grocery cart, and some food. Looking forward to those arriving.

Making ribs for myself for Easter dinner.

Spikes, it sounds like you and I have been in a very similar situation, except, sort of the opposite trajectory. In my case, my mania is a lot better, but my psychosis is not. My pdoc basically promised me that 1500 mg a night of Depakote would very quickly knock my mania down (already on lithium). He never promises anything. He was totally right. It took a few days, but by maybe day 6 or so, it was a whole new world. And I could sleep, too. Might be worth considering...

Hope this turns around soon!! Right there wtth you!!!

I think it's good you're getting some fresh air! I never want to go outside either, but when I force myself to do it, I do feel a lot better. It's nice feeling the breezes (when it's not cold, that is. lol).

Hope you feel better afterwards!

Woke up with a ton of mouth pain this morning. Was dreaming about it all night and then woke up with it. Had to make an early grocery run for Tylenol. Hopefully, it stays under control, so I don't have to try to go to a dentist during this crazy time. No idea how that would work...


Will try to make some progress on my edit today. Am on about word 40,000 or so of maybe 85,000 total, so, slowly but surely. Onward..


Got to speak to my oldest friend last night. We met when we were 4. He knocked on our door in 1970 and asked my mom if she had a small child he could play with. She did. He has never abandoned me, despite everything. I really love him a lot. He runs the leasing division of the largest US bank and so, owns a ton of commercial aircraft for a ton of airlines. He also does big data centers and other humongous projects. He says the total amount of outstanding loans the bank has increased by 40% in just 4 weeks, as the mega-companies drew down their massive never, ever-used credit lines completely to the hilt. Says they are not going to be doing any loans really for virtually anyone for quite awhile as a result. That is going to make it much harder for the economy to return, as only companies with insanely strong balance sheets, like amazon, are going to qualify for financing. Spooky.

Anyhoo, he is crazy busy with his job, but we made a date to talk every week, or try to anyhow. That could really help me, so I am very grateful for him. It made feel so good to talk to someone.


Hugs and love to everyone!!!!!!!

Wow, you're so lucky to have such a good friend and for SUCH a long time! I've not known anyone (outside of relatives) for that long! Let alone a friend! I am so glad for you!!

Sorry to hear about your mouth pain. I don't know how it would work with a dentist currently, but be careful not to let it go on too long, ok? Any idea what it might be? Is it a type you've felt before?

Lots of dentists have closed shop for now because most dental work is not necessarily an "urgent" problem that requires immediate or emergency care, so they're trying to reduce risk of infecting patients since most things they do are non-essential and there aren't enough "emergency" cases to warrant staying open. Fortunately, though, oral surgeons *are* open because they are considered essential and offer emergency services. So, I think that an oral surgeon is a good start if things go downhill quickly.

Thanks! I sat outside in the sun for 20 minutes, it felt really nice

Its wonderful you were able to connect with your friend. That's very special and a blessing. Thank you for sharing your story

My dentist is open for emergencies. I'm sure a doable option will present itself if needed.