Bipolar check in #45

That's awesome it's not pneumonia! Obviously bronchitis sucks, but thankfully it's not something worse.

Good luck with the GP appointment. Hope it goes well.

Not much news on my end. I'm still hanging in here. I was hearing some voices this morning, but I recognize they're not real and so I am able to cope with them... kinda.

I did not get my bike last night. The rain was... blah. It's also really, really wet outside anyways, so it wouldn't be a good idea to bike since I don't have bike cleaner, chain degreaser, chain lube, etc.. I have dry chain lube on my chain, so it'll get washed out with water, and then... rust if I don't wipe my bike down right away. Then I wouldn't have any lube to replace the wiped off lube. Best not to risk it.

Also, the weather has drastically changed overnight. Now it's going to rain Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. Sunday should be okay, but that's majorly sucky. I suppose that's what happens when your state borders the ocean.

Anyways, mood is fine. It's neither up nor down. I'm neither feeling happy nor sad, but I'm not emotionally flat/numb, either. I guess "content" is the right word?

I am so depressed today. Last night is the second night in a row that I’ve had dream of self harm. I’m sure that has a lot to do with my mood. I just want to cry because I can’t hurt myself.

I’m sad. That is all.

Thanks for sharing some ideas, bluebicyle. It's a little hard for me to answer your question right now, though. That's great that you have so many bites from companies in Boston and Seattle. I think you said you live in Massachusetts? Have you ever lived in Seattle?

Yes, I got interview offers without applying. I guess they found my profile and liked it? Granted, some were from some big companies like Microsoft and Facebook, but there seems to be lots of opportunities in Seattle and Boston. I'm not actually doing the interviews, though. I should clarify that they just asked me if I wanted to chat and said I just had to send a resume, as per formalities. They said I had to send a resume and then I could join their virtual hiring event w/o doing a screening.

I've never worked in Seattle, no. I've only ever worked in Massachusetts. But I just think both areas are worth looking into. At least in Massachusetts here, things have been stable for the last 30 years. I think the "problem" (sorry, for the lack of a better word) for NJ is that NJ heavily relies on NYC, and when NYC goes down, it drags NJ down with it too (according to my cousins who've since lost their jobs). Same with PA. However, Boston is "independent" in that sense, as is Seattle. They're both not tied to NYC or the NYC stock market. Heck, because Boston is so healthcare focused, the economy is more than thriving right now.

I never really thought about what you wrote before, but I can totally see that as being true. Certainly the industries in an area make a big difference.

My area does have several major pharmaceutical companies (love them or not). I suppose they are doing just fine, but my husband doesn't work for one. I used to a long while back, but then transitioned to a different type of industry. Frankly, if I was still employed at my most recent old job (I'm on disability), my job might have been at risk, too.

Up until about 4 days ago, I felt I was being pretty resilient with this thing (the 'situation'). But then my mood began to plummet. It's just become too much.

My therapist suggested I seek a broader support network and that I get in touch with more people. I've followed her suggestion to a point. I'm now in touch with a good friend I had been out of touch with for many years and I insisted with my sister-in-law that I be able to Face Time with my nephews (long story). That worked out, at least once anyway, and they called day before yesterday. It was wonderful to see the boys.

I go for long walks every day, no matter the weather. This is also helping to keep me sane, especially when I do it with a good friend by phone. But it's become more of a chore than anything else, lately; still, afterwards, I'm glad I at least went out and did it.

This same friend and I decided to encourage each other to fulfill a goal each day, whether it's cleaning something, doing a load of laundry, cooking something, whatever. And then we check in with each other. This has helped.

Even though I work in health care, there is a part of my job I can do via video, so I've been doing that. But very few hours a day, so I have a lot of time to fill. I miss being in the hospital. Part of the reason they sent us home is that they don't want us competing with other providers in using PPE, as it is so precious. I really miss my co-workers as well. We have optional staff meetings via zoom almost every day. I attend if I'm not working at that time and I love joking around with them (which is about half the meeting). However, on days they are cancelled, my mood absolutely plummets.

So, overall, I'm not doing very well right now. I'm doing everything I can think of to help myself, but sometimes it's just not enough... I used to be an alcoholic, quit except for very occasional and controlled social drinking, some 15 years ago. What scares me, is that I've been craving it again lately. So far, have not given in though.

Stay safe everyone!

I've been thinking that 2020 lockdown is a good year to revive May Day. Simple construction paper stapled into a cone with pipe cleaner handles and a few peices of candy. Or Dixie cups with pipe cleaner handles. Put them on your neighbor's door handles ring the bell and run away!

I slept last night and had dreams of self mutilation and hospitalization. I don't feel rested at all. I can't even get from my crazy while sleeping. I feel like reaching for my medication but I don't want to do that.

MM I get those dreams all the time. I had one last night as well.

I occasionally get dreams like that too. Sucks.

I just got a phone call from my mental health center; my therapist might start using webcams for the appointments. That sucks because I like laying down in bed, pants-less during my phone appointments! Oh well, maybe it'll make talking to her easier adn more like face-to-face conversation.
I'm feeling better. A Lot better. The seroquel did't knock me out last night like it used to which was kinda disappointing, but I didn't wake up in the middle of the night so that was good. I spent all my gift card money on Amazon (I may or may not have bought every single one of Built to Spill's albums), so now if I want to make another purchase I have to actually pay for it.
My cats are play-fighting, so cute!

So I’ve been beating back this hopelessness and extreme depression all day. Listening to music (even during work, just put my phone on mute). I dyed my hair purple because why the **** not, quarantine, amirite? As a result of that I had to take a hot shower. I took a walk with my son. And I’ve been tooling around reddit.

And now RS will be home in about 45-60 minutes and I will not harm myself while he is here so it is a win!

Ugh. Hope my pdoc has some sort of solution.

Sorry to hear you're so depressed. Purple hair is awesome though!

I spend endless hours on reddit everyday too, especially on the /r/interestingasf_ck sub (replace the underscore with the letter U).

Hope you feel better soon though! Maybe your pdoc will come up with a great solution.

Blue, I like today I fcked up and am I the ahole lol. And many more. It’s a nice distraction because I can customize it to keep covid 19 news out of it.

Papa bear was watching a TV program about wildlife, monkeys and leopards. I interrupted him. He doesn’t like that in the evenings. He then watched a tv program “the perfect home”.... I was just writing to a friend. I think I confused them (unintentionally) - those two TV programs. I very rarely watch TV. Tonight I was on my iPad while Papa bear was watching TV

Pdoc upped lamictal. Now I have to remember to take it in the am. Not likely.

I always feel like she doesn’t take me seriously.

My wife is ill with something. Her doctor told her she should be tested for Covid. The next day we have drive-through testing in this area is Friday, so we have to wait until then to find out.

Ooo I hope she is negative!

So I'm realizing that I've gotten myself back into a negative loop in my brain over the past couple of months, like it's ingrained in the grooves of my brain through neuroplasticity.. so the more I think negatively the more it becomes my usual mood/attitude and the harder it gets to break that habit but I can make the choice to change and that's what I'm doing, I've done it before years ago and got myself out of a long lasting severe depression so I can do it again. I don't have to live in misery, it's not easy but I will work on myself and breaking my negative thought patterns.

Anyway, aside from that revelation.. I spent most of the day lying in bed in the dark before it finally got through my head that I need to do something to change this or it's just gonna get worse. Supportive friends at PC helped me come to this realization, and I'm thankful for that.

I got to speak to my nephew on the phone tonight, I hadn't heard from him in a long time so that was really nice, I miss him. I'm going to be making some changes in my life, getting back into my hobbies, finding meaning, reconnecting with my faith, staying positive and learning ways to cope with my anxiety effectively. Some of my hobbies are playing ukulele, art (sketching), reading, videogames, and cooking among others. Also, I should be getting my sister's cat soon (she doesn't get along with their dog and I lost my 2 cats recently so we figured moving her in with me would be a good idea) so I'm really looking forward to that, I miss having a fury friend around. I also am starting to pay off some debt I owe to my college so I can get enrolled in classes again at some point.

I hope everyone here is hanging in there

Oh, no. Big hugs!

Thinking or you and yours
Love and Prayers

Daonnachd I'm sorry, hope it's negative.

I'm overwhelmed and just staring at the books. I feel so stupid. I have the date due as Friday and I don't even want to deal with it. H says he'll help me with the next one but I need to finish this one first. My heads so loud I just want it all to stop. I want to go hide. Stop all mh services and just give up. I have t tomorrow and I have no idea what to say. I wish it was easy for me to communicate. T wants me to have another evaluation. I'm becoming mute again. I want to buy a puppy but I'm not allowed. I don't know what to think or do. My parents are leaving soon and I can't go with them because of the mh services/ possible meds and covid 19. I wish I wasn't born like this.

Maybe once your back on your Haldol and give it a week or so you will start to feel better

Im sorry things so hard right now, I think its great you have someone to talk to and can help you stay accountable to each other.. Is there any other coping skills you can try ?

Take care, I hope you feel better soon

I hope its negative and she will be feeling much better soon

Its good you were able to realize the looping, Its hard to break that cycle, But you will, I am certain

I think when you have a furry face around your mood will lift