Bipolar check in #45

''thou shalt not be angry'' - I just thought of that Command that a very angry person instilled in me when I was a cub...

(it was a relative. We did not go to church..)

Walking on freakin eggshells sucks.

ETA deleting old messages

Just came upon a message from a friend



Deleting old messages sucks. I do not want to mass delete them.

I opened some of my bike related packages today. Got my helmet from Specialized, which looks really nice and fits perfectly. Also got two pumps and other stuff in case I puncture a tire.

I don't have my bike with me just yet, but I will be getting it soon! Hoping to have it by Tuesday (since it's going to rain tomorrow).

This coming weekend is supposed to be rain free (Fri, Sat, and Sun), so I'm hoping that holds true because I'm planning to bike everyday this coming weekend.

Very excited to finally get back into biking because it's one of my favorite outdoor activities.

He has copd Emphysema to be specific.. He had a sweeping business and painting when he was 22. The sweeping business you have to have your head hanging out the window of the truck to run right to the edge of the curb, so that constant inhale of dust... Back then he didnt think anything of it, Noone wore a mask back in those days.. His painting also whether inside or out, No masks.. He was young and strong and the attitude of "Im strong and can do anything"

11 years ago he just could not breath one day so off to the doctors we go, they did heart cath , fine , PFT ? Nope not good so 11 years ago he went on inhalers and did well, up until his respiratory crisis while we where in in Florida he was going okay sure but get SOB when under a lot of physical exertion more so than here in TN .. But in Florida between the heat and humidity he wound up in the hospital for a week. He came home on oxygen 24/7 6-8 weeks later they backed him down to just at night... while in the hospital it was consistent 88-90 on room air.... 96-97 on 2 liters but his ABG was always 3-5 points lower. So if hes at 90 by finger his likely 85-87..

So he catches things quickly that most peoples own immune system can take care of, as you know.

Now when he get a lung infection , it takes weeks to recover and usually a Month of anitbiotics and then numerous weeks until he feels back to his baseline..

Im calling he Doctor in the AM and asking him to send a order for sputum specimen... Its possible this has turned to pneumonia.. but he has to finish out the doxicycline due to tick bite...

Its just a balancing act....

I'm feeling so depressed right now.

Just feeling lower than I usually feel. I know what's causing it and I'm having trouble coping.

Good for you, blue. Always wear that helmet. Always assume all vehicles are trying to kill you at all times. Always assume all vehicles will run each and every red light and stop sign. Do not get anywhere near any trucks or buses at any intersections--just stop and wait for them to be gone. They will kill you.


Okay, done with safety rant. Sorry. I know you know all this already, but it never hurts to hear it again.

Have fun!! I really think this is going to lift you up, blue!!!!

There is some expansion there. Tried something completely different and not at all CBT-approved last night, just to see if it would work. Every time I got into a negative loop, I tried to immediately identify that. Then, instead of doing the whole check fact thing, blah, I simply forced my brain to do something else immediately.

I sort of think i pictures. There's a book, movie, too. Temple Grander, maybe? Been awhile. If I recall correctly, she is an autism spectrum person who has been very successful. Anyway, she thinks in pictures. I have these visions and have always done math and science using images, rather than equations. Works great for me.

So, anyway, last night, as soon as I identified I was in a negative loop, I forced my brain onto one of four images that I find peaceful and calming and that make me happy: 1) a cute mallard I saw the other day, swimming; 2) some bunnies I see on my rides; 3) the roses fern posted a picture of; 4) another cute bird I saw the other day.

Guess what? Even brute-forcing my brain to do this, I felt better immediately. Calmer, less anxiety, no anger, breathing better, no pain in my gut. etc.

Interesting.

Whew, got my biweekly shopping done. There was almost no one there today. Everyone had masks and about half had gloves. I need to take a shower but I've a headache and my back is killing me. Got the cold stuff wiped and put away. But still got the pantry items to go. This is an exhausting way to shop. Glad it's only every two weeks.

I thought I'd post this in case anyone wanted to take a look, my therapist emailed it to me, it's a Coronavirus Anxiety Workbook, I've found it really helpful, I downloaded the pdf to my computer and look through it often

https://thewellnesssociety.org/wp-co...sMdGiE9Peg6HEQ

Anyway, I'm doing well. Although sleeping is the highlight of my life now. I have no purpose, no reason to be alive. I'm not

My sister is dropping off my money and some McDonald's Friday. Then saturday I have to go do my grocery and household necessity shopping. Oh yeah, I talk to my doctor this week.

Im so sorry your feeling awful I think I saw you mention you changed your dose of Thorazine recently??? If your back on prescribed dose you might just need a few days to get back on track..

Ill check out that anxiety workbook. I literally would give up some toe's for a fresh to order of Fries.... I just dont trust food I dont cook yet..

Hows your sketching going today ???

Chest xray shows not pneumonia THANK GOD ! but nasty Bronchitis so changed antibiotic, waiting on sputum culture 24/72 hours.. might need a different antibiotic again and a blood pressure med as its been running way to high due to infection.. His oxygen level is still 87-91 on room air. Ups to 93-94 on oxygen..

If all goes well we are going to see GP in his office Tuesday..

Once he is back upright and as healthy as he possibly can get I think I will crumble into a heap.

Hope everyone enjoys there evening

Thank you everyone for your help.

I spoke with my family about what I'm going through. It doesn't change the situation I'm in but at least they know what's happening with me.

We went for a walk and talked. I feel a little better. Not out of the woods but at least a little better.

In other good news, I did really well on something difficult at work today.

Thank you everyone for your help.

I spoke with my family about what I'm going through. It doesn't change the situation I'm in but at least they know what's happening with me.

We went for a walk and talked. I feel a little better. Not out of the woods but at least a little better.

In other good news, I did really well on something difficult at work today.

Found out depression bipolar support alliance is doing online support groups, if anyone is interested. Free to join and register. I have registered for one on Monday night (next Monday). Not sure if I’ll go but I might. Still nervous about support groups.

I found out today that May 6 is the day that my husband and his work colleagues will learn if they are laid off, furloughed, offered a voluntary separation agreement (employees with 15 years or more, like hubby), or kept on with a nearly 10% reduction in pay. I didn't learn that from hubby. My sister sent me a link to an article announcing that. I asked hubby if he knew, and he said yes. He just didn't tell me before.

We're not talking much about it. Hubby did say his sister is sending him links to real estate options in Czech Republic. That's not his first choice of places to move to. We've been talking about France, but maybe Czech Republic will be an interim stop. My Czech sucks with the exception of several culinary terms and ones we taught our old parrot.. At least he's a native Czech speaker and dual Czech-US citizen. He has lots of friends there. Healthcare is good there. Universal healthcare for permanent residents, with low fees.

We can no longer afford to live where we do. We might need to start preparing our house, little by little, for potential sale. I think my husband will lose his job. I'll be surprised if he doesn't.

I feel like I am underwater holding my breath. I know that my husband is very scared, too. I have to hold it together for him. 吃苦 chi ku (eat bitter).