Bipolar check in #45

I checked in with my therapist on Friday. She asked me about what I thought happened with my husband, and I couldn’t say it. She said it and asked me what I thought, to which I replied I don’t know, maybe. I wish I had never brought it up, tbh. Not sure why I felt the need to go there. After 20mins on the call with her I just wanted to hang up. I don’t want to talk about it anymore.

I am still feeling incredibly depressed and anxious. When I get depressed I feel the tears behind my eyes but they never fall. I’ve been feeling that for a couple of days. I’ve been feeling trapped and distressed. I got rid of Facebook and I don’t check the news anymore. I just can’t handle it. I’m sure I’ll hear from someone when our state opens back up.

I took melatonin to sleep last night and I did sleep but I had intense nightmares all night. In one I was fighting off my cat who had become possessed and other animal like demons. I felt like I was getting scratched and bitten. I kept waking up and then going right back into the dream. I finally woke up for good out of breath and terrified. The rest of the night the nightmares were nowhere near as intense, but definitely upsetting. I’ve never had that happen with melatonin before.

Today we found a park in a neighboring town was still open, so we went there and walked around. It’s not like a playground or anything, just a paved path around a big man made lake. I didn’t want to go initially, I just wanted to stay in bed, but I knew RS wouldn’t understand that so I got my *** up and went. It was nice to get out. I haven’t left the house at all in over a week, not even to just go outside in our yard or anything.

Well I see therapist again on tues and see pdoc then too. Hoping to get something for anxiety that I am less likely to abuse.

What were you trying to achieve with the Thorazine tweak?

Well my husband had a temp of 99.6 last night and admits he really felt really bad yesterday,, Today 99.2 temp, oxygen 89-90 on room heart rate 120 130 -.which is in line with lower oxygen level.. Today temp is 99.1 ... Temps of 99 do not always mean something terrible, I did tell him to skip Tylenol -or any OTC pain meds.. as low grade temps is your body fighting infection... His blood pressure is still running to high but he isnt getting enough O2 so he is struggling to breath increase heart rate... so its typical to run higher...

Im going to watch him closely if need be I will take him for a chest xray, he "might" have Pneumonia, again altho that was 5 years ago roughly and there was no doubt he was so sick, high temps and could barely stand up ... Im sure our Doctor will want chest xray and sputum sample to see what is actually growing so the right meds can be started, Maybe Doxicilian isnt enought altho he needs a month of that since he had the tick bite....

I also had him take a HCTZ today, its a mile water pill/ blood pressure med. But might help lose a bit of excess fluid, that might help

So yeah this my life right now... Keeping him alive and out of the hospital is a must !

I don't know why I take off my headphones. I can actually read and function now. I may be able to get some work done.

Why do you think you need two atypicals at once? No wonder you are wiped out.

What about a stimulant, like Adderall or Ritalin or Provigil?

Finally slept, but spent maybe 2 hours before falling out ruminating like mad. Mostly about my dad and my ex. The ex thing is a bit understandable, as we are in a dispute. She is refusing to engage. I may have to take her to family court. She is a bit**, basically. Sorry, but it is true.

My dad, I have just come to the difficult realization that he, too, essentially abandoned me some time ago. Long story for another time, but, just examining facts, it is undeniable. Really changes my overall impression of him, which has always been as my hero. But heroes don't do what he has done, sadly.

So, had to keep bringing myself out of these negative loops, again and again. They are so hard wired.

Going to try to get out today. It is sunny and gorgeous. Maybe I will see a bunny or a bird.

I am so sorry, Christina. Yu really have had your hands full with all this sh**. Do his sats usually run so low?

I opened some of my bike related packages today. Got my helmet from Specialized, which looks really nice and fits perfectly. Also got two pumps and other stuff in case I puncture a tire.

I don't have my bike with me just yet, but I will be getting it soon! Hoping to have it by Tuesday (since it's going to rain tomorrow).

This coming weekend is supposed to be rain free (Fri, Sat, and Sun), so I'm hoping that holds true because I'm planning to bike everyday this coming weekend.

Very excited to finally get back into biking because it's one of my favorite outdoor activities.

I'm feeling so depressed right now.

Just feeling lower than I usually feel. I know what's causing it and I'm having trouble coping.

Thanks, Christina!

I actually got some new bike clothes in the mail this morning. I bought it all from 6pm.com on sale for approx $10 a Pearl Izumi jacket (normally $70 apiece) and $15 for pants. The colors weren't ideal, but they weren't bad. Oh well. I really don't give a crap. It's workout gear and if people want to judge, then idc. Jackets were dark plum and heather grey. Pants were black with some lettering on the side. I'm going out at 6am with nobody around, so who cares. I'm not paying $70 a jacket just for an "ideal color." (yep, other colors were $70!)

btw, for those who don't know... 6pm is an Amazon company, so they're legit. They sell stuff for cheap because (1.) it's "out of season," and (2.) it's overstock from Zappos.com

Anyways, with my helmet and basic bike gear (including biking clothes, replacement parts, and tools), I'm officially all set to go. Yippee! Looking forward to a 1-2 hour ride tomorrow before work.

Thanks, Christina!

I actually got some new bike clothes in the mail this morning. I bought it all from 6pm.com on sale for approx $10 a Pearl Izumi jacket (normally $70 apiece) and $15 for pants. The colors weren't ideal, but they weren't bad. Oh well. I really don't give a crap. It's workout gear and if people want to judge, then idc. Jackets were dark plum and heather grey. Pants were black with some lettering on the side. I'm going out at 6am with nobody around, so who cares. I'm not paying $70 a jacket just for an "ideal color." (yep, other colors were $70!)

btw, for those who don't know... 6pm is an Amazon company, so they're legit. They sell stuff for cheap because (1.) it's "out of season," and (2.) it's overstock from Zappos.com

Anyways, with my helmet and basic bike gear (including biking clothes, replacement parts, and tools), I'm officially all set to go. Yippee! Looking forward to a 1-2 hour ride tomorrow before work.

Whew, got my biweekly shopping done. There was almost no one there today. Everyone had masks and about half had gloves. I need to take a shower but I've a headache and my back is killing me. Got the cold stuff wiped and put away. But still got the pantry items to go. This is an exhausting way to shop. Glad it's only every two weeks.

Your loops seem to maybe be spiraling. Would you say your positions have expanded? There's a HUGE difference between loops and spirals. I know you want off the ride altogether, but it seems to be going somewhere as best I can tell.