My little post of all my ****ed upedness so I don't spam the board!

What does your Husband and son think about you going with your parents ?

H asked if I was leaving him for good. I haven't talked to my son yet.

I think right now the only thing you need to focus on is staying physically healthy from this damn Plague and forcing yourself to be present in your life.. All the years I have known you.. this " Divorce talk" bubbles up when you are unwell. When you are able to capture some stability you say you cant imagine not being married and together..

My advice? Just be present and take care of you and your family... Maybe you need to stop over thinking the whole T and Pdoc stuff and just Float.. Your trying to swim up stream in a raging white water river and your missing 3 fins... Focus on one thing you can do as a family tomorrow. Watch a favorite movie together, Cook an enjoyable meal. Play a board game, Just do something together.. Life is scary right now , Enjoy this time with family

Thanks Christina. I haven't talked about divorce. He's worried because of our fight/non fights and him realizing how he has been behaving. I'm apparently cold and mad today where I'm not but. I didn't even think it came off like that. We've been doing so much better since Monday. I'll plan a family day tomorrow.

Thats good!!! no divorce talk for a while then

Enjoy a family day...

Nope I'm petrified he's going to die on me but he's an adult all I can do is love him and be there for him. Hopefully he takes my concerns to heart.

Going back on meds. The other option doesn't terrify me like it should. I can't ruin my family's life and though I feel it won't I know it will at least financially.

I didn't cry feel like a ****en failure but whatever everyone else is happy.

What more are you feeling you want to do with your life? I can understand this feeling, I have cried over this in the past when feeling stuck. We might not be able to do everything we wanted or in the way we wished we could, but maybe we can move towards what aligns with what we want a bit. Also, I might be missing backstory here, I haven't been around much. I hope you are safe and continue to stay safe.

I would love to help low income kids go to college but I need at least BS degree for that.

I went to my parents after I took my meds. I feel so discouraged but I didn't like the way I was/am thinking I've been down that road. I was having a hard time convincing myself I was wrong. I'm not impulsive or paranoid. I didn't know how long I could hang on.

That would be a really neat thing to do! What specifically would you do to help them go to college if you could? Is there anything along that lines you could do with the educational background you have? Once I volunteered to tutor reading to children that needed extra help with that. It was pretty relaxed, just like once or twice a week, but felt good to help out.
When I am at my worst mentally, I have found volunteering really can help me get out of that. It helps me to have that sense of purpose and focus on it.

What specifically would you do to help them go to college if you could? I would help them find a college major, school they can afford, scholarships, degree planing, college services.....

Is there anything along that lines you could do with the educational background you have? I'm currently working on a curriculum but that's to intensive to do individual plans for. My husband and I are thinking about creating an outreach program for older teens. But that's earliest next summer.

Mood whiplash

So Friday or Saturday I re-started my meds because of lack of energy and negative thoughts. Now I've slept 3 hrs. I'm amped enough that my leg is shaking, WTF is wrong with me?

what meds did you restart? some meds can be more activating than others. Could also be just a mood switch regardless of meds because they haven't had time to kick in yet. When do you next see your pdoc? Should you wait until an appointment or call and see if you can get in earlier?

When do you next see your pdoc? Should you wait until an appointment or call and see if you can get in earlier? 8 days from now. I don't even know what to say other then I stopped meds and then restarted them. I'm on lexapro and abilify. Then I see a new pdoc 2 weeks later.

8 days sounds reasonable. Maybe you could go over this thread again with an "outsider's perspective" and see what symptoms/concerning things pop out and write them down and bring that to the hospital. Maybe bring up why you stopped and restarted the meds. I'm sure he'll ask some questions. I'd definitely bring up that you're feeling "amped" now that you've restarted your meds. Bring up the lack of sleep too. I've been on both lexapro and abilify and they both made me manic at different times.

Lexapro is known to be pretty activating .. Call the Pdocs office and see if you can split it until your appt so you can ease back into being on meds.. 8 days isnt really too long away but I think right now for you it is too far away.

I HATE calling pdoc. Not that I hate her. I hate admitting needing help.

I can relate to not wanting to ask for help. Do you have any idea why that is for you? What would it mean if you admitted you needed help? You don't have to respond if you don't want to of course.

Well we all have to do things we hate so.................................

So I've been out of it for a while. I thought I was updating regularly oh well. I'm sorry guys. I really do mean to be an active member of the forum. It's taking me all day just to read the check in post. My concentration is shot. My new pdoc got frustrated with me. I was kept on the same meds of course because I'm only been on my meds for about two weeks but I'm not seeing him for three months. I'm not okay with that. As the appointment sinks it I realize I can't do this like this for 3 months. I told him I was getting paranoid again. I can't deal with that much fear. This always happens around re-certification. I want to just cry. I tried really really hard to concentrate I did. H usually "goes" with me but he didn't because of a communication issue. between us. I'm ****ing up all over the place. I don't want to continue to feel stupid. I don't know what to do. I was holding hope that he could help me but I couldn't get the words out, understand him, or explain myself. I really do like the guy because he makes me stay serious. Someone please tell me three months isn't that long. My dad made a joke today that someone called me smart and he set them straight. I don't know where I'm going with this. I guess just an update for anyone who Is interested.

So I'm bringing back this thread so I don't spam the board. I "see" pdoc in about 3 weeks. So that means I've been on meds for almost 3 months. I've been watching things on psychosis and it doesn't seem like that's the issue right now because I know I'm wrong in not thinking I'm real but it feels so real. The problem is usually I know when my thinking is off. That doesn't stop me from believing it or having issues because of it. I don't feel I'm my husband's imagination more like I'm an animated doll. I know I'd bleed if I get hurt but I feel it'd be just a cut into more skin or hollow. I know it's because I'm depressed, numb. The video's helped me not feel bad about the things I thought about three weeks ago. I think high levels of financial stress then being left alone and thinking someone was breaking in for 7 hrs thinking someone was drilling into the door for that time kinda did me in. I "see" T Tuesday I'm not looking forward to being honest with her.Has anyone told their T anything like this and not been suggested IP? I don't see my T as squishy which is really good but I don't know pdoc really last time didn't go so well but I know H and M like him. I have my issues wrote down but I don't know if I can vocalize them because it's not a short 2 sentence thing.I want to prove to myself I'm real but honestly even if I tried it wouldn't help. I think I'm fine not feeling real for a couple of weeks. I'm just scared of what my treatment team will suggest.

I keep thinking how the **** do you control this with diet? (my dad told me you can, I know he's wrong, but it's hard) I am eating 1x a day (H is making me I'm not arguing) I just see it as a waste since I'm not real.

I did not read your whole thread, just wanted to reach
out to you and offer a hug.
You are suffering so badly. Bring in the list of things ask that she read what you wrote.Could you do that?
sorry it is so hard for you now.
((((((HUGS))))))
bizi

MM--

I am so sorry you are struggling. Hang in there, it will get better.

The symptom you describe is part of a classic set of experiences described in psychosis over the decades. I lived w guy at the hospital who believed he had been placed on a phony, imitation earth and that all the "people" were imitators of the real and true people on the actual and true earth. It is a variant of what you have.
There is a lot of neuro stuff behind this, but the quickie version is that parts of the brain associated with face identification and the correct sense of self are misfiring.
Has nothing to do w looking in a mirror. Long story.

Psychosis is weird. It is not binary. The other nt I received commands from God to walk down to the protests so the stirm troopers cld beat me up or kill me. To show my faith. BUT, A tiny part of still functioning me told me that was insanely dangerous and I did not go. Thank God. Very hard not to follow the commands. Lucky.

So, having a level of awareness and insight does not mean you are not psychotic. It just means it cld be worse. Much.

Be careful.

Hugs.

It's over the phone so I have to find my voice. I was hoping it's not psychosis because that means more medication. I'm hoping that it just goes away. My appointment with t is actually Wednesday. So I have to have some hard conversations with her.