My little post of all my ****ed upedness so I don't spam the board!

I'm angry today too. grrrrrrrrrr. Hugs

Am I making sense today? Today's been rough. They need to come up with a Tylenol type medication that helps with symptoms. Wednesday feels so far away. Pretending is going to suck tomorrow, no headphones either. Having to hold conversation. H apologized kinda.

I'm sick of hearing no, fighting and not being aloud to have/do things. I could just leave them where I found them. I feel things have unintentionally gotten worse between the two of us since I told him I'm off meds.

So the "discussion" continued well into the night. He didn't realize we were fighting yesterday (???) The things I said were quick reminders that I am an adult and he doesn't get to control me. He thought he was doing much better at controlling himself. He's going for intake tomorrow. I felt bad about intentionally leaving out my reaction to yesterdays events but he already felt bad. He thought I was going to leave him last night. I assured him he's stuck with me. I'm leaving with my parents for the day soon. Hopefully today is better.

I'm glad that, as an adult, you still have parents who are supportive. There are a few people who have judged me over time because my parents did not become friends with me...... even when I was/am an adult. I am grateful that I was able to analyse their inabilities and did not perpetuate any of the sub optimal cycle as I probably would have done had I been less aware Also doctors in this forest did not take the time to listen... and still do not ... ...... so I have had to analyse all this without any help from them or from a therapist Papa bear, my husband, and I have a good relationship I have broken the cycle of abuse and dysfunction.

Hugs and respect to all

I'm glad you have a good relationship with Papa bear. I think some parents just can't seem to transition from parenting (or abusing) a child to parenting an adult. It's not your fault. I really wish you could find true help from a pdoc/t. I've gone through about 10 T's in the last 5 ish years and at least 5 pdocs. Now I'm getting yet another pdoc.

Good post. Those parents who cannot transition from parenting/abusing a child to .....

Were any of the T's you consulted more helpful than others? Sorry if I asked that somewhere else (maybe I did ask it) I'm allergic to most of the meds I've taken... (psych meds)

I've got passed around a lot since moving. When I lived in WV my team was wonderful but I was dx'd mood disorder NOS. I've had T's who wont treat me. I tend to have to go with a clinic and have a T that is use to (and not scared of) the harder cases. T's are really hit or miss with me. My current T is probably #4 on my list of my top ten therapist I've had. I've been with her almost 8 months and I'm still just getting use to her. I don't agree with many of the things she says but she still helps. mainly by asking pointed questions and helping me sort through my thoughts on things. Her goal is to make it so I don't need therapy anymore.

I'm wondering if you tell her when you don't agree with many of the things she says?

I think that is partly where the therapy I had didn't go as I had hoped it might... I either didn't disagree with them when they talked bs... or I disagreed in the next session. Then they said I was taking it out of context

Also with our spouses, I am able to disagree with him and discuss things... he doesn't much like discussing things though (he is more of a number bear than a word bear)

I'm wondering if you tell her when you don't agree with many of the things she says? I don't need to tell her. Sometimes I get mad about it. Mainly she has a "this is how girls react/respond/do and this is how guys react / respond / do." I can't stand that. I'm more like "No xyz is how I react because of ABC" not because I'm male or female. It's her quirk and I'm not there to educate/ help her. She's not too mystic/new agey for me to work with. So when she goes down the it's a female thing. I tell her that's not natural for me. but that's my only complaint.

I like that you do not subscribe to that. We are all male and female blended together. Our sex has little to do with it as some females identify more as male gender and some males more as female. I imagine she would struggle to understand someone who was truly a balance between the two. We can be more of one than the other in any given moment. I have learned a lot from gender specific judgments, but it is a blend of the two that has helped me to better understand myself.

I want to do more with my life.

Any idea what the hell I should tell T? Of course I feel fine today. I haven't slept.

Tell her in detail what the last week has been like. You always feel fine the day you meet with her. If I had to guess, I'd say that's a protective mechanism.

I sometimes (often) used to be the same when I was consulting a T once a week. One the day of the session I felt fine, I felt anxiety but that is ''normal'' for me. It probably was a protective mechanism, but it didn't protect me. It resulted in the therapy lasting a long time and maybe not ''achieving'' much..

Tell the T as many details of your week as you can. And observe her words and reactions/responses.

Hugs and respect to you

So I have to tell my husband and go over the new safety plan with him. (or she will) I'm ****en nauseous. She wants me back on meds. She's uncomfortable with my psych eval out so far. She's going to call me tomorrow. I feel everyone's ****en against me. Apparently the fact that I don't feel bad, or regret or see it as a big deal and can do that and not skip a beat is concerning to her. I'm so mad.

I'm sorry you are mad.

Her response seems more in line with what I expected last week. I know you feel she is against you, but to me it sounds like she's finally able to see more accurately. Maybe you shared more with her this week?

You've been quite symptomatic for some time now. I am glad to hear she's offering some new advice. Are you willing to give her advice a shot? Having a strong safety plan is a good thing.

It feels a bit like she has a list of criteria and is ticking various boxes in her head when you speak to her. (that is what the providers tend to do in this forest irl and often they make that very obvious.. to me anyway ) I think the fact that she is going to call you tomorrow is probably showing genuine concern on her part. I think I remember you saying here that she is one of the best therapists you've consulted, so I suggest you continue being as open with her as you can. I don't think she is against you, but it's harder for her to be helpful if you hide things from her. I'm sorry you're feeling angry. I've been feeling angry lately too. Be safe

I have no choice but to go over the safety plan with him. What I didn't say is I don't trust him with any of that **** either he's more of a risk than me. She thinks I'm going to cancel my psych eval but I wont. I'm good at keeping appointments. Whether I'll take medication or not probably a PRN but not full time meds I don't feel I'm that bad. If I really need meds I have until May 18th to get them from my current pdoc. T wants my current pdoc file sent to new pdoc. she says me and H aren't good for each other right now. she wants to do zoom with me. It's help keep connection. She doesn't understand that if he has control over everything I can only sleep when my son's awake. I didn't tell her. By the end of the call it sounded like she was debating the hospital for me. If she makes that decision I can't be like "No, it's him!"

I'm really upset. If T is so concerned. What's pdoc going to think. I feel fine. Yes we're arguing, yes I was spiteful, yes I'm hearing things (always do), yes I'm not sleeping well, no I do not regret anything I have done lately. So why is T acting like I'm steps away from hospitalization. I think it's because she can't see me. we're only voice call right now. She wants my records sent to the clinic for the pdoc appointment. I want to run away screaming. She has me freaked out because she's over reacting. I'm hoping she's just calling to see if I told my husband. I'm going to tell her no if she wants to call next week besides our appointment. It just freaks me out. Am I even able to say no?

I don't know your T (obviously) ... maybe the fact that you were arguing and were spiteful but don't regret that concerns her. And not regretting any (unwise?) actions? I'm just guessing. Also had you hidden the fact that you're hearing things from her before? It could be that she is being extra cautious as you're only on voice call. I don't blame you for wanting to run away from her. She is (hopefully) trying to help though. You can say no I don't know what her response would be though

She called she was much more pleasant. Said she didn't expect me to need it but if I do to use it. Also had you hidden the fact that you're hearing things from her before? I haven't hid it but I don't talk about it unless it's really bad or they ask. She asked and I was just like yep and moved on. She did not say she was going to call back but that I know how to get a hold of her if I need to

I can't think I don't even know what to write. I may have crashed. six days seem so far away for T.

I'm thinking **** it and go with my parents when they leave.