My little post of all my ****ed upedness so I don't spam the board!

It's 2:00

So..... She knows I'm not sleeping, She says I don't have an ED, She wants me to do a psych eval, She said therapy isn't a forever thing. She wasn't able to get to my blog. She said next time we'll start with my list. She didn't say I was manic but did tell me I have a very serious mental illness. She does not know that I may be paranoid. I did tell her that I have no plans to sleep tonight. She's putting in the recommendation for a pych eval. so now I have to wait for that call. She did comment that 3 weeks away for pdoc is a long time. She's going to put in a recommendation for a certain pnurse. I always go in going "yeah, this is how it's going to go." and coming out like "WTF, barely anything got accomplished." We went over what could get me hospitalized and self harm is on that list but it's mostly depression things. IDK I suck.

My psych eval is May 26. @ 1:30 pm.

That eval is quite a while away.

''therapy isn't a forever thing'' - this is true for some/many but not for all. imho. If this is someone who doesn't know you well, I wonder why she said that?

Do you feel like she feels that you suck?

It sounds like you covered a lot of ground with her. But also probably not much was accomplished, as you mentioned .. I think that is much more about her and/or her training and the time available etc than about you. I'm not sure how I would feel after an appointment that was like that. I am wondering how you're feeling about it?

I read this post again, is this the person who you've only met once? Sorry about my bad memory sometimes

I wonder why she said that? I asked her how long she was planing on staying with the company. She wouldn't give me an answer but told me she's been there 5 years. I guess there is a review every year with the director. She wanted the director to be my pdoc but that's a drive. Maybe if the ones I try the other suggestion.
Do you feel like she feels that you suck? I'm still unsure what a therapist can do for/with me.

I am wondering how you're feeling about it? Confused, even more confused after talking to H. T said I can ask everything I need about meds to my new pdoc or to call the pharmacist and ask. We talked a lot about what happens when I come of meds. I told H, he wants me to have emergency medication but that means calling pdoc and tell her. I hate disappointing people. It's so hard to think.

is this the person who you've only met once? No 8 months every 1-3 weeks.

I'm sorry you're feeling confused I think many of us have been ''trained'' to be ''people pleasers''.. often by ''primary caregivers'' and that could be partly why there is a feeling that even disappointing someone who is there to assist us, is a very ''bad thing''.... really they are not there to judge us. They might be disappointed, but maybe that is because they care ..... either way it is, imo, much better to be as honest as possible with her. And with the pdoc.

When the sessions are sometimes not every week.... that makes the whole thing harder imo.

I think that the idea in therapy is to have a collaborative relationship with a therapist, and to work together. A lot often depends on the ''quality of the relationship'' with the therapist, imo. If the therapist and client are not a good fit together, they clash, frequently misunderstand each other and for whatever reason these misunderstandings are not resolved and/or the therapist is very judgmental.... it will not help. It also helps if the client is clear in their mind what they want from the therapist .... I know it can be confusing at times, especially if the therapist is not very experienced ... or maybe is experienced in keeping things at a very surface level, and not being collaborative. These are just some thoughts I had just now, I am not an expert. If it doesn't make sense its fine to tell me, or to ignore the parts that don't make sense to you

either way it is, imo, much better to be as honest as possible with her. And with the pdoc. I am being honest with T. I have to decide whether to attempt to get emergency meds and deal with all the questions that I just want to yell "I DON'T KNOW, I just don't want them." and stomp my feet but I can't because I'm an adult. If I move up my appointment that will still be the last appointment and I'll be between pdocs longer.

My T has 20+ years and she's willing to see me both meds or no meds. We went through what would get me hospitalized under her. I think that is going to be an opening conversation for a while. until I memorize it or fully trust her. I didn't have to ask about her talking to my husband because she volunteered that she has never talked to or met my husband.

You did a good job being honest MM. You seem to always be honest. I admire that. I think though it is possible that you go into your appointments with needs and they are only met if your T or pdoc navigates to them on their own. It feels like you let them drive. In essence, I can see why that might feel right as they are the professionals. However, when you have a specific need you have every right to take control of the meeting and ensure your needs are met. So for example, if you're 20 min into an hour long T session and you feel like your T doesn't really get the severity of what's occurring, it is possible to politely stop her and tell her you would like to ensure you cover some specific things.

Typically it seems you go well prepared to share and then some important things never come up and then your are confused by their guidance. Their guidance is only as good as the information they have. They can only address the needs properly if they understand them. You're the only one who can offer that information. It is perfectly ok to say at any point 'I feel like I am not being heard.' If what they offer is a mismatch of your expectation you can say 'That plan doesn't feel like it addresses my needs and concerns.' Then you'll need to explain why. Intelligent people can see when their plans are a bad fit if you give them the evidence to support your claim.
If you spend 30 min listening to her talk about what would get you hospitalized and you need to have that repeated, take a phone and record that part next time. Play it for yourself before you go and then use the whole session time to get what you need. You have to advocate for yourself. Nobody else will do it for you especially if you don't want H involved.

Not taking meds is a risk for you. Only you can decide if it is worth seeing your pdoc sooner. You've been quite symptomatic to the point you're worried you might be forced into the hospital. Being proactive and getting back on a solid regimine seems like a good idea. Finding a way to calm yourself and sleep seems important. Finding a way to get some decent nutrition seems smart. You can get the ball rolling on all of these things on you're own if you're not too deep in an episode. If you let it carry on, you may find yourself getting to a point where the option to decide for yourself is taken away. Nobody wants that for you. Figure out what you truly need and go get it.

How are you feeling today? I was happy to see you were able to get a bit of sleep. I hope you were able to find rest last night.

t feels like you let them drive. In essence, I can see why that might feel right as they are the professionals. However, when you have a specific need you have every right to take control of the meeting and ensure your needs are met. I do let them drive. I've never been good at taking control and always feel things aren't that bad until I think my husband is trying to kill me or that I'm going to be jailed for an unknown reason. Then I'm to afraid to bring it up. I'm good at appearing okay. So if I can act okay I'm fine.

Typically it seems you go well prepared to share and then some important things never come up and then your are confused by their guidance. That about sums up my appointments

You've been quite symptomatic to the point you're worried you might be forced into the hospital. I always worry that I'll be hospitalized, if I'm honest, If I don't do what I'm told. If I see a pdoc, If I go to therapy.... My parents really ****ed me up threatening hospitalization and meds since I was a kid. Fist time they threatened hospitalization I was 7. It became a running theme when "misbehaving" for my sister and me. Then they actually hospitalized my sister for MONTHS!!!! until they ran out of money and couldn't take another loan. So hospitalization is always a fear. Especially when going against advice.

Finding a way to calm yourself and sleep seems important. After much convincing from my own head and PC I took an ambien a little part of me knows things are off.

How are you feeling today? Anxious. Went off on a huge rant when my husband asked about what I wanted for dinner. So him and my son left leaving me home alone. With the knowlege they're going to get my favorite food for dinner. Now I'm worried they'll add more oil to it or something to make it more fattening. I don't want to get into an argument by only eatting half. At this point I don;t want them to come home.

I'm sorry about what happened with your parents. That must have been horrible for you.

I can understand why you don't take control and why you work so hard to appear ok even when you aren't feeling well.

I'm sorry about dinner. Sometimes a meal is just a meal. Maybe give yourself a break tonight and try not to over think it.

I’m sorry the parents did that to you. That stinks

I agree with fern, when you have a specific need you have every right to take control of the meeting and ensure your needs are met.

Thanks guys, My parents were/are good people just over their head with All three kids having MI and there own addictions and issues. I didn't mean to talk **** about them. I ate without complaint. it wasn't greesy so that's good.

I don't judge them. Parenting is a challenge and most people try to do what they think is best. Even when they are operating from a bad place, we can still love them and forgive them. Regardless, it still must have been difficult for you. I have compassion for that.

I'm glad to hear the meal went ok. One step at a time.

It was probably me judging them. It’s hard for me not to judge certain people who seem to do little but judge (irl) but it sounds like your parents did the best they could. I do not think ALL parents do...

My head is so loud and headphones aren't helping. It makes me feel stupid because I cant follow conversations.

I got the rest of my books! to bad I can't concentrate enough to read and pay attention. I have a week to finish this and I feel stupid. H says I'm not stupid I'm hypo-manic.

Sending hugs. I hope you get some sleep tonight

So what's the likelihood I'm actually incoherent and ****ing up this project?

I'm going to go lay down for awhile.

I slept about 4 hrs. I'm overwhelmed. I have so much to do. H says I'm being to hard on myself and no one will get mad at me if this takes longer then I estimate. But what other smart person can't understand kindergarten level work? I know I'm smart but...this kills self esteem and deadlines. I'm taking a break from it right now. I could switch topics and work on that but I'm to all over the place.

I'm apparently full of value judgments today. H has only been up for an hour and we've already fought. He wont let me get rid of my meds. We're not fighting around Miguel. He wants me to put the books away today and spend the day away from them. I took jabs I shouldn't have knowing he's not feeling the best.

Are you able to let go of the value judgments in the moment? It can be helpful if someone can let us know, gently, if we are making these....if we are unaware. Were you aware?

He didn't like that I want to get rid of my drugs because having them around makes me feel like an addict and of course feeling stupid for not understanding kindergarten work. He said if I could give the most honorific criminals grace I can afford to do the same for myself. I'm just going to avoid talking today. I'm not being nice today. He said something about my eating and I snapped back about his eating and how his weight is more dire then mine. That I'll be fine but he will not be. I was much meaner about it.

So what if my parents are trying to take me to the hospital tomorrow instead of to my sisters? I need to get out of this house for a little. Even if it is just for a drive. I need time away from my boys. I'm so angry today.