Bipolar check-in #46

They must be on us at all times! It's an emergency!

Good for you for getting up and moving your body!! Great job!!

So, back when my depression was dominant in my bp 1 and when no med could budge it, I tried to help myself. I began thinking of all the non-pdoc ways people have, over the millenia, tried to help themselves feel better. Being an old medical research dude, I am always curious about the craziest things, most of which, others often find completely nuts. People think I am nuts, and I am sure you will, too. But, I wnted to share a couple of things I learned about my depression.


So, one day, I though to myself: Why is it that sad people, depressed people, so often aim their eyes downward? What is that? What is that all about? Is it just some weird response of the eyes to feeling depression, to that state? Or, is it actually part of the problem? Meaning, what if, when I am depressed and feeling awful and find my eyes looking at the floor or whatever, what if I forced myself in those times to look up? Maybe even, way up? What would happen to my sadness and depression if my eyes were up instead of down?


Well, guess what? In me, forcing my eyes upward helped and still helps me feel meaningfully better. There is a negative impact on my mood in the downward direction when I gaze downward. It aggravates sadness. No question about it in me.

How could this be? Well, think about this. What happens when you look at a Van Gogh? Or a Monet? Or a beautiful animal or human? Or a spectacular mountain, valley, waterfall, or beach? You feel good. You feel better than you did before you saw it--assuming these are all things you, yourself, like. This is part of why people go to the beach. It makes them feel good, looking at it all.

Okay. So, I had this weird info about my eyes. And realized that many people find sunshine to make them feel good/better. Some people get SAD--you don't even have to live here or Seattle or Vancouver to be affected by this. Why is this, I next wondered? Why, other than the beaches, greenery (in Hawaii's case, eg.) and the warmth do people flock on vacation to sunny destinations? Is it just being bathed in bright light, sunlight? Or could it also maybe be something else, too?

I really wondered about this. People love to look at sunrises and sunsets. They will wait and wait to see them. Tons of pictures taken all over the world of them. Why? Why does it make so many humans feel so good to look at sunsets and sunrises?

I really wondered. What if part of it is just the colors. What if there is something specific about those very colors that, when seen by a human, causes us to feel good or better than we did before we saw them?


I was curious. So, I bought some orange, amber, and yellow flood lights. Set them up in my office. In various places, so that the colors were illuminating parts of walls and other objects. So, the walls became orange, yellow, amber -ish. I would work , do my thing. And from time to time, gaze over at those walls. Just look at them, for a few moments, every now and then.

Guess what? It makes me feel better. No doubt about it. Making a fake, lame, mini-sun for 60 bucks in my office and looking at those colors, having them readily available, improves my mood, fairly markedly. And I do not respond at all to SAD lights--never have.

So, my point is, I believe vision and mood are very closely tied to one another, in ways we do not understand. It might be worth spending a few minutes playing with ideas about trying to use your vision to help your mood when you are down. You never know. As nutso as this all must sound, it may be that your own eyes could be helping you to feel better, if you were just doing the right thing with them. Just a random, crazy idea for you.

Hope you feel better soon!!!!!!

You might want to check this site out. Really solid, even the free version. Tons and tons of routes will be on there from other riders in a city that big.

Ride with GPS | Bike Route Planner and Cycling Navigation

Good for you for taking action!

Why is sushi a COVID risk? I did not know that.

Are ipads helpful? What do you do with one?

Welcome back!!

So sorry you got triggered, Innerzone. I used to see a lot of people with BDD in my work life. It can be so difficult. Sending you strength and support!!!!!!!!!

Most practices I am aware of are doing tele-visits, so, you should be able to either call or email the office. My pdoc texts with me, so, that makes it easy. But I try to leave him alone, of course, as much as possible.

Don't get sunburned, Fuzzy!!!!

I believe feeling abundant stress is an appropriate response to the current galaxy situation, as well as, to the specifics you 2 now face. Do what you can. Hal-day at a time. Hour at a time. Whatever it takes. You can do it!!

I laughed so hard I started hacking when I read your last paragraph. Sorry, I know it was not funny in the least for you. But I couldn't stop laughing.

Progress, not perfection.

So happy about the sleep improvement. Good for you!

Decided to make some pretty major changes to the novel. Much happier with the level of tension now. Ratcheted way up from the outset. I actually moved the big disaster, which had been on like, page 350 or so, to the very first scene. It is really working.

Injured my back, actually, mostly doing too deep of a pigeon/cow's face pose on my right hip. Ouch. Been really hurting a lot. Hard to sleep. Bit better day by day, though, so that is good. No bike for now, though. Way too hot anyway.

Hypo stuff is gone. Pretty euthymic right now and not really psychotic at all. Very thankful for all that.

Some major conflict with my very unstable ex. She is basically an officially undiagonsed borderline person. She has just refused ever to consider it, though, she quite obviously does have it--big-time. Issue right now is, I do still have to interact with her on money and child issues and it is just so difficult for me. She is actually not capable, her brain is physically incapable of experiencing empathy. She is unable to take the perspective of another person. Just not doable for her. This makes interactions quite difficult, because, unless all things are totally rosy and to her liking, some type of blame will be assigned to me rather colorfully. Tonight, I was accused of sending her into an emotional tailspin because I was trying to discuss dog issues with her. She announced that her mother had 6 months to live and I was ruining her life. But noone had told me her mom was sick? I did not know that.


Anyhoo, typical, you-must-read-my-mind and everytihng-I-have-ever-done-is-perfect-in-every-way stuff. Classic. She will only take ownership of things she views as positive reflections on her. What this means is, I can never bring any concern I may have up with her. She will just freak on me, and then proceed to turn it all around 180 degrees and gaslight me. And she has no idea she is doing any of this.

So, I should cut all contact. That would be my best move. But of course, I cannot. We have a child together. I support her and her children financially and have for years and years. On and on.

Anyway, did some breathing and meditating and am doing all right, despite all this. I need to adjust my expectations of her downward further. That will help me a lot. She can only do what she can do and, sadly, in teh emotion regulation realm--that is just not very much.

I hope your back pain gets better quickly. I’m sorry about your ex. That must be so difficult. You are to be admired for your steadfastness.

I had a lovely birthday and Mother’s Day. It was nice to be with family and to visit with my nephew especially. Hopefully, I’ll see him a few more times before boot camp starts. We didn’t social distance although I attempted to by setting up everything outside. We migrated to the dining room table. Hope everything turns out ok. My sister made lasagna and my favorite carrot cake.

I’m really disappointed at missing my two week trip to Florida but it starts May 31st and it’s just not worth my life. I mentioned I’m going to a week long time share in the Smoky Mountains the third week of June to visit M on her internship. That will be nice. The pool is about to open as well any day now. Some things to look forward to as this coronavirus situation is weighing heavier and heavier on me. It’s suffocating. I’ve handled it productively and positively until now.

For the past two days I’ve been in a really bad mood. I rarely have bad moods but I’ve been irritable (extremely), impatient, curt and yelling at the pets getting up underfoot. So unlike me. I don’t know whether it’s the start of a cycle but I’ll keep an eye on it.

This week we will be celebrating my mom’s 85th birthday. So blessed to have her in my life. I have many blessings to be grateful for. I list them out everyday.

I hope everyone is safe and well. Warm regards to all and hugs to those that are struggling.

Perhaps I'm nutso too... But all of that sounds intelligent to me. Creating a physical experience that matches the kind of shift you need spiritually, mentally and emotionally makes complete sense to me. This is exactly the kind of route I've been working with and it works for me as well. There are at the least two of us...

I wanted to go out for a bike ride this morning, but I had work to do that's due for an 8:30am meeting (unfortunately). However, I think I will go out later. Not sure if I want to ride on the road or the trail around my complex. I'm afraid I'm going to hit a walker on the trail!! I know the trail rules say I can ride my bike, but the trails are narrow. That's why I'd prefer to go out in the morning when no one is around. Plus, local trails are packed with many, many people. Don't wanna catch coronavirus from those trail people!! I also dislike how one of the trails allegedly has homeless druggies who leave used needles on the ground. That's what many of the reviews for the trail said, and they said that the local school students usually pick up the trash/needles, but obviously schools aren't in session. I don't want to puncture a tire.

Anyway, today is going well. Got some work done that I needed to get done. Woke up at 4:30am to do it, so now I'm all good.

My mood has been really good lately -- not high, not low, but just in the middle. I'm hoping that things stay as they are so that I can stay content with life.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day.

I had a much better night. No hallucinations. I had one (heard the chairs moving) but I just told myself it’s not real and it can’t hurt me. It went away. At one point I was falling asleep and my boyfriend tickled my feet by accident and I freaked out. But he was still awake so he reassured it was him. It caused me to have a hard time falling back asleep. I was very scared and tried to cuddle in my blanket but it was too hot so I had to either take my blanket off my head or I had to stick my feet out, both of which scared me. But I did do better, I didn’t have any nightmares and I stayed asleep for the most part. So I’m happy.

I feel much better today. I’m not sad. But I’m a little scared and paranoid. I’m not sure why. That’s another reason I want to start seroquel. I don’t think haldol is working anymore.

It's a beautiful blue sky day where I am, but cool at 48 F (9 C). It's supposed to get hot as the week progresses.

It's kind of funny. Hubby bought me two fans (different sizes) plus a new hair dryer (basically a third fan) and a cooking spoon I asked for. I get hot a lot, which explains the fans. I'll try to take it easy today. Hubby said he'll order my birthday dinner tonight. We'll see what it will be. I made a Malakov trifle for myself and him. It's a bowl full of indulgence, containing a rich chocolate mousse with vanilla wafer "sandwiches" held together with raspberry preserves, almond slivers, banana slices, and orange segments then topped with sweetened plain homemade whipped cream and fresh raspberries for decoration. Not low cholesterol!

This is the last year of my 40s. It's mind boggling how time flies. I feel very young in some ways, and my age in others. This whole covid-19 situation is a bit of a downer, indeed. I hope next year is much better.

We received a shipment of food from an online grocer. Somehow the banana order was screwed up. We have 18 bananas! Bpcyclist, need any more late night snacks? Actually, I just found a recipe I'll use when 6 of them are very ripe. Caramelized Banana Ice Cream. I'll pull out my ice cream maker.

I have read that many novels are best started with "main action". I'm glad you feel good about your change. I admire and am slightly jealous that you are able to work on your book right now. I've been totally incapable of working on my planned book.

That's great that your mood has evened out and your psychosis has eased. Do you think the Trilafon is partly to thank?

I hope your injury heals quickly. It's sad to think that you must stay off your bike, for now.

I'm sorry your ex is causing you some grief.

Lots of May gals, I guess. Happy belated birthday, Jennifer!

I think a lot of us are feeling that irritability. Perhaps the beauty of the Smokey mountains will help. In nature, things are normal or maybe even better than usual. I tell myself that. The birds sound very happy in my area.

Lasagna and carrot cake. Yum!

Happy birthday BirdDancer!!!

Happy belated Birthday, Jennifer!!

Happy Birthday, BirdDancer!!

Happy Birthday BirdDancer!