Bipolar check-in #46

@childofchaos So glad to see you! I was getting concerned. Welcome back!

Thanks so much, Innerzone. I am so sorry you have had to deal with that. It is so difficult. Hang in there. There is always hope...

What a huge breakthrough. Awesome, just awesome.

Smart people have sometimes said--sometimes, love isn't enough. I have found that to be true.

Sending you support and strength.

I forget some of my meds with regularity, sadly. I do my best, but it just seems to always happen somehow. I hope your day is terrific. Hang in there. You will get through this.

Tapering Klonopin is often felt to be perhaps the single most difficult med change in our area that one can try to make. I have done it, as well. Hang in there. You'll get through it, it is just going to take awhile. A long while. Oh, all right--a long, long while.

It was always my feeling, having spent a whole lot of time in Australia for work and falling in love with a girl from Ultimo in Sydney, that in general, Australians were a bit more enlightened overall than your average American--just my personal opinion, nothing more at all. I love my country and I love Americans. This nation's people have made some pretty amazing contributions to the world, in its very brief history. However, it is just a fact that a pretty large percentage of our population is not highly formally educated, and I believe this does tend to account for some of our more colorful conspiracy theories and philisophical viewpoints. Not that formal schooling is required to become educated. Not at all. All one has to do is read. Abraham Lincoln's all-time favorite activity. And look how he tunred out.

Almost moved to Sydney. Interesting to contemplate how things might have been different for me... ANd btw, I love this time of year in NSW...

Just read a very recent study of metnal illness in the current USA. These folks came up wiht a number of roughly 20% of the population currently suffering from either a major mental illness or adddicion. I would think that might be pretty accurate.

Hugs!!!!!!!

Pretty solid, for me, at the moment in terms of bp stuff. Have not been really psychotic for a bit. I always forget how much stress coping with that places on me. It is exhausting and I am grateful for a break.

I have made a big personal decision in terms of my longstanding interest in advocating for people with bipolar disorder and their civil rights, which I believe are routinely trampled upon in my country. More to folloow on that. It feels really, really good to be taking action. Lemonade from lemons, I spose. Also, looking into possibly a bit more education in the Human Rights realm. There are a few good programs, two, at a couple of my alma maters, so, might help me, possibly, with admissions. Don't really want to live in NYC again, but I suppose I could do it if I had to. I far prefer Boston. Another good one at Oxford, which looks quite appealing. Another in Perth, one of my favaorite places.

So, we will see where this all goes. Viktor Frankl sagely pointed out that we needed to try to find meaning out of our trials. That we must. I think taking these actions, for me, is part of doing just that. And it feels really good.

I tossed and turned all night (11 pm) until my alarm went off at 5 am JUST as I'd finally grabbed some zzzz's. I took an hour nap and feel somewhat better but still tired

They rescheduled my procedure for the END of June! I bet they cancel it then too. Whats the point- im not still bleeding.

Sorry to hear that they rescheduled on you. In the future, is there any way you can go with another GI place? It's up to you if you want to still get tested, but I'm just wondering if these people will keep pushing you off, which is bad because if you end up bleeding again, who knows how seriously they'll take it. They obviously don't take it seriously right now if they're pushing out your appointment like this.

That's just my opinion, though. I've switched practices for other doctors when they wouldn't take me seriously. "Oh, we'll just reschedule 6 weeks out, ok?" Umm... NO. My previous GP kept pushing off appts because she didn't feel like working during certain hours. The receptionist said to me, "yeah, she isn't going to work 8am to 5pm anymore. She's moving her times from 9am until 4:30pm, so we'll have to reschedule your 8am appt." Then they called me again 2 weeks later saying that my 11am appt was "during her new lunch break." That's when I just left the practice.

Im not bleeding anymore so no wonder no one gives a rat's ***. The lady who called to reschedule probably has no idea who my dr is or what I need done. She's just a scheduling bot. But whats the point? By the time they see me it will be 2 months sincecI started bleeding.

Yeah. Some receptionists don't care and just do what they're told, rather than having some empathy and paying attention to patients' needs.

Over time, I've found out that most doctors offices have gaps in their schedules that they reserve for "urgent matters." So basically, they won't schedule anyone for a certain time slot each week in case someone calls in and says they're having severe symptoms. So realistically, they could have been able to fit you in sooner if they wanted to, but they probably lumped you in with everyone else instead of thinking of it as urgent. So, sometimes you have to stress that your matter IS urgent and put your foot down... because rectal bleeding IS an urgent matter. Obviously you're fine now, but if you were still bleeding, I would say you should put your foot down and tell them NO to rescheduling for the end of June.

Yeah the receptionist just mumbled something about the corona virus whatever that means. Its gonna be here at the end of june too.

Steves Sister had a brain bleed back in January.. Shes slowly recovering from it, Still struggles with headaches. Her GP wanted her to see a Neurologist that took almost 4 weeks to get into one. Her GP meanwhile ordered a Mri and everything appeared to be okay. Shes hasnt been " right " since then, Cognitive issues mostly.

They came up in Feb and she was slowly improving.

She did get seen by Neuro, He ordered Mri every week. She had 2 and things appeared to be okay.. Well then COVID happened. The hospital had cancelled all imaging unless a true Emergency.

Well today she was finally able to go in for a MRI and they found a brain tumor, That didnt show on any of the past testing apparently. They are running a PET scan today to see if there is any cancer in her body.. There is a possibility she could be having brain surgery today..( They live in Florida)

Its one horrible thing after another..

I couldn't take it anymore. I trimmed my own bangs. They were too much in my eyes. I only took enough off to get them out of my eyes, and yet the sink seemed to have oodles of cut hair in it. My hair is curly enough, including my bangs, that exactness is likely not a huge issues.Nevertheless, I flat ironed them before I started. I wonder if/when there may come a time when I color my hair myself. I've had that done professionally for years now. I did color it a few times as a young woman, but that was different. I've been covering salt and pepper roots for some years now.

I'm going to ask a potentially stupid question now. If I select a hair color at the store that is slightly lighter than my current color, what will happen? Will it slightly lighten my whole mop of hair? Or just color the roots, but color them in a lighter color than the rest of my hair? My hair has slightly lightened lately because I've been out in the sun a bit. I think I'd call it between medium golden brown and medium copper brown. I'd like to go light golden brown. Occasionally, I can get to light golden brown if I continue to go out in the sun a lot. The problem is just the graying roots.

Thanks. Yes coming off long-term Benzo's is the worst med experience. Sounds like you spent quite a while down here. I am glad your experience was positive. I love my country too, but we also have deep flaws. In 1999 and 2009 I went to the USA. I loved both my trips. I have been to about 10 states now. Almost everyone I met was wonderful. You are a very hospitable bunch.

Saw my pdoc today. He is going to chat to some clinical friends of his to try to sort out a benzodiazepine taper schedule that I can manage without bad withdrawals like I have had. Until then I am staying on 3 mg a day. Otherwise all is well. My moods have been stable for ages now. As has my PTSD. Fibromyalgia is still bad but I have more energy since I got the withdrawals under control. I have been able to get back into reading, and have also made it to the beach to sit and watch the surfers. It is so soothing. I am so happy to be able to get out of my flat again but I am going to have to be careful I don't go too hard and start another flare-up. I am still lonely though.

My 'friends' who live in my city don't return my messages. The only real friends I have who contact me live interstate or in the U.K. Luckily I have great parents and a wonderful sister so I am not without company for too many days at a time. Things with my 'partner' are complex. He is suffering from trauma and Bipolar and wants to be alone a lot. He doesn't have a car so can't come to me and I have been too exhausted to go to him much in the last two months. He also 'borrows' money that I never see again and when he does stay over eats all my food without offering to help. We are both broke. It is his big character flaw. He is wonderful in other ways but often I feel used. It is impossible to talk to him about it as he goes straight to intense defence. So, I just let it slide and try not to give him money I can't afford to lose. If he were grateful I would be happy to give, but he seems to expect me to help him out with money. We get the same payment from the government and he pays less in rent. He is just useless with budgeting.

@~Christina: So sorry to hear about your sister-in-law! You certainly do seem to be having more of your share of troubles these days. Sending more thoughts and prayers...

In my news, the nice weather is finally here! Yay!

Scrabble's not going well but i feel more sad than anything else. It's a brand new thing, this sadness. Always before i would feel intense frustration, anger and rage. Now i just feel sadness and resignation. I sure welcome this. Sadness is a big relief. I shed a few tears after club tonight.

Otherwise i feel somewhat bored and dissatisfied. It's just mild depression tho. Familiar.

Hugs to all who struggle!

Hi Moose,

I am very sorry for all you've been going through. Your symptoms must be very unsettling. You've patiently waited for an appointment and are now feeling let down. Understandably so.

This COVID-19 mess is having a negative impact upon many parts of the lives of many people. I am sorry it's become such a challenge. Trying to get any of our needs met during this chaos can be very taxing. Many are stressed to the max.

Many medical practices are not open (In their offices) for business because of the very contagious virus going around. In every case, medical professionals must make the decision as to whether or not we are more at risk (of contracting the virus) if they allow us to come in for an appointment or if our lives might be at risk if they will not see us. I do think they are trying balance the pros and cons of each person's needs and are truly trying to keep everyone as safe as possible.

If you are still feeling your medical condition is unsafe, please do contact this same practice, requesting a much sooner appointment. If you feel you can wait until an appointment, do so while they sort out their schedule. (Don't let them take too long to give you an appointment. You could mention that you feel the need to go to the ER if they cannot see you soon.)

If you feel a deeper sense of urgency -- at any point in time --and you need to see a doctor ASAP, go to the ER. Your life is important!

I hope you'll safely and easily find the care you need to be well.

Much Love to All!!!

First video psych appointment tomorrow. It'll be okay, more or less, for that appt.

I'm sad, and I'm angry. My almost 2 years of therapy have fallen apart. What a joke...I started therapy because I was grieving too many losses. So what happens? Therapy becomes another loss. How typical, ironic, and absurd.



I'm furious because my therapist lied to me, used stupid platitudes ("I'll hold your hope for you." Yeah, right..."until I don't want to see you in person because I'm afraid of catching the virus." So retire, lady, if you can't properly do your job.)

Now my mind is plagued with the demons again and my mom's voice, chastising me for being stupid enough to trust anyone but her, for going to therapy "just to talk about her behind her back."

Quote:

Originally Posted by BirdDancer I couldn't take it anymore. I trimmed my own bangs. They were too much in my eyes. I only took enough off to get them out of my eyes, and yet the sink seemed to have oodles of cut hair in it. My hair is curly enough, including my bangs, that exactness is likely not a huge issues.Nevertheless, I flat ironed them before I started. I wonder if/when there may come a time when I color my hair myself. I've had that done professionally for years now. I did color it a few times as a young woman, but that was different. I've been covering salt and pepper roots for some years now. I'm going to ask a potentially stupid question now. If I select a hair color at the store that is slightly lighter than my current color, what will happen? Will it slightly lighten my whole mop of hair? Or just color the roots, but color them in a lighter color than the rest of my hair? My hair has slightly lightened lately because I've been out in the sun a bit. I think I'd call it between medium golden brown and medium copper brown. I'd like to go light golden brown. Occasionally, I can get to light golden brown if I continue to go out in the sun a lot. The problem is just the graying roots.

The hair color will follow your natural color. So if your roots are lighter the hair color will apply a bit lighter, too (at the roots, if they're lighter). Well, it won't at first, but your hair will wash down after a couple of washes.

Instead of a box color I strongly recommend checking into more professional colors...Matrix, for example. Pravana. Something that has a more dense pigment. Research the colors online, then purchase the tube of color and the developer from Amazon. (And gloves!)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moose72 Yeah the receptionist just mumbled something about the corona virus whatever that means. Its gonna be here at the end of June too.

Moose, I had surgery for an achilles tendon surgery scheduled on April 7th. Walking is very difficult; I can't do it much at all. They cancelled my surgery in mid-March, expecting our town hospital to be overwhelmed with COVID cases. Well, it wasn't. It isn't. I am not diminishing the seriousness of COVID at all. It's just that, in this case, I don't think my surgery needed to be postponed like this.

What I've done is called my orthopedist's office. I've been persistent, calling every week..."So what's the update?" I mean, I'm sitting here gaining weight because I can't walk, developing a number of health problems (high blood pressure, etc.). So thanks, I'll have a heart attack or stroke while our hospital sits there half-empty.

Finally someone called me today. I missed the call, but I'm pretty sure the person called to schedule my surgery. I feel sure that if I had not been insistent I'd still be waiting for that call. Can you call your MD's office and express your concern and need for an appointment? It's the old "squeaky wheel"...

I'm thrilled you are feeling better!

I know you're not as "recovered" as you'd prefer to be.
I certainly understand. I was always a standout athlete prior to the sudden onset of CFS ( aka SEID* ), then Fibromyalgia, followed by a myriad of additional diagnoses. My life has never been the same. It's taken me a long time to adjust. I have grown a great deal and in a direction I like! Yes, there are still some challenges, and I do my best to meet them with courage!

Benzo withdrawals can be extremely difficult.
I went through a withdrawal for which I'd needed to be admitted to the hospital. I had taken the med exactly as prescribed. The pdoc had later admitted he was using very high doses of Xanax . He and his colleagues were "investigating" the use of high-dose Xanax. (He had prescribed 14mg. of Xanax per day.) I was totally ignorant. I'd never used it before.
During detox I was so weak and shaky I could not hold a cup up to my lips to drink water. I shook 24/7 for approx 8 days. Headaches, Drenching sweats! And more...It was a very difficult detox.

I'd gone through yet another benzo withdrawal (clonezepam) just 3 years ago.
This was MUCH easier than the other detox. Yet, we all react differently.

I Hope Life Gets Much Easier For You!!!
Love and Prayers ~

*SEID : Systemic Exertion Intolerance Disorder. This is now the name for CFS in the U.S. The exertion intolerance shows up as severe fatigue. The fatigue can be physical, cognitive and/or emotional.

Well it's been nearly 3 weeks and I'm still finding myself constantly thinking about and wanting sex. To the point where it's taking all my will power not to vonstantly blow up my boyfriend's phone. And when it's not that, I'm constantly stuck on thinking about SH, even though in general I feel fine. And since both things are constantly in my mind, I'm extremely distracted at work, and nothing is getting done at home. But I am having mood crashes periodically in the evening. My son keeps complaining that I'm moody because I'm snappy with him. My eyes keep feeling weird too. Not sure if I should be concerned? Just how things are rolling right now for me

Hello all! Checking in. Since my birthday, my daughter’s birthday, my mom’s birthday and Mother’s Day all fall in May, I just celebrate the whole month. It’s been lovely with a few blips here and there. I’ve really enjoyed having M home. We had a picnic yesterday by a frolicking creek. It was really nice. She leaves tomorrow.

I’m doing well.

Warm regards to all and hugs to those that are struggling.

Things seem kinda stable bl 1 wise right now. So grateful for this. Getting this human rights thing off the ground is a fair bit of work. But it will be worth it.

Beginning to make the dreaded agent/publishing inquiries. I must say, if none of you have ever done this before, there is a pretty funny phenomenon that goes on with most literary agents in the US. Sorry if I offend anyone here, but, somewhere along the line, the literary agent industry conlcuded that what they do for a living is somewhere on the same spectrum of overall global significance and importance and Crucialness To The Galaxy's Very Survival, as being a homicide detective in LA or maybe the National Security Advisor or somethig. I mean, there is this whole attitude of such commanding officiousness that it actually causes me to laugh at loud occasionally--and I never laugh. You would think these people were running the trauma service in a busy US major city or something by their attitude and demeanor. Except most bigwig trauma surgeons aren't nearly as arrogant.

This attitude most overty manifests in a complete unwillingness pretty much ever to respond to the vast majority of communcations sent their way. I understand and appreciate they must get a lot of submissions, many, crap, but, I, myself, used to get maybe 200 emails a day at my career apex. Many, questions from doctors and nurses about patient care issues. Laser stuff. I answered ever single one of them, plus all the phone calls. Always and with a smile on my face. everyone had my cell number. If some doc in Madrid needed help, I was there. No problem. DIdn't get paid a penny for any of this. It just seemed like the right and ethical, human, thing to do.

Anyhoo, just a rant about people who think what they do is just so much more important and special than what everyone else does. Got news for you, literary agents, you do books for a living. Books. Love 'em, can't live without 'em. But they are, in fact, books. Might wasnt to undertake a little golabal importance reality check and trim back the excruciating pompousness a tad. Just a thought.

Everyone contributes. everyone is important. Everyone is special. Every worker--the people who feed us, those who care for our health, our heroic teachers, first responders, the students who are our future, teh people who cheefully clean all our stuff and our places of work and homes. Everyone is special. Noone is more imprtant than any other human. Noone. I completely and utterly reject that entire attitdue and position.

Okay, enough. Love and hugs to all!!!!