Bipolar check-in #46

I am feeling depressed, but hopeful.

this week I have had a few calls which I hope go some way to getting what I want (which is mainly to move and to have a better mental health team).

we'll see..

I spent a lot of yesterday anxious that I might have been exposed to anthrax. Long story that I won't waste space here on! In any case, this morning I seem to be past that.

I mentioned in another post that I do not feel like having my therapy video session today. Yes, considering above, some may think it necessary, but I just need a break. My therapist never seems to take a vacation, and the ones I have known about seem to be very short and always fall between my weekly Tuesday appointments. Actually, I am kind of yearning for a day completely alone, too. Hubby has been working from home for a long time now. I asked him if he wishes he had an occasional day all to himself, and he said no, that he likes me home all of the time with him. Of course that makes me feel guilty/bad about my wish.

I don't know what to do with myself, lately. Major home projects are done. The whole flurry of activity that began when we thought hubby would be laid off, is over, since he wasn't. I did express my desire to "run away" (with him), in a sense. We've been looking for flights to Europe in September, which we can't really afford. We are obviously uncertain if the pandemic will still prevent/damper that. My husband's best friend regularly travels to Europe for his job. He just returned from there. Before he left on that trip, he had a major hassle getting a doctor's certificate stating he did NOT have covid 19. Firstly, he struggled to even get tested since they require people must "first display symptoms". Yes, there are some very long line drive through tests in the state, but that wouldn't provide a doctor's certificate. He had to really argue for one, and the test had to be no more than four days before his departure. At least that was the rule for Czech Republic, where he went. It was helpful that he has both American and Czech passports, too. If he didn't, they might not have let him board the onward flight from Frankfurt, Germany to Prague. He said that one American man was sent back to the US, I guess because of unpreparedness, his reason for going to Prague (a friend's wedding), and the fact that they are hesitant to accept people from the US, where the very worst of the pandemic has been. Hopefully this won't be so strict in September. We plan to fly to Vienna, Austria, which has similar rules as Czech Republic. My hubby's Czech passport wouldn't help in that case, if the same rules apply in September. And of course I don't even have an EU country passport. My husband's friend said that upon return to the US, there was basically no checks or inquiries about covid 19 exposure. I'm not sure if it was because he is also an American citizen, or if that was across the board.

I think...... deleted



Worried about some friends.

You're a former doctor, aren't you? What would you tell your patients if they could not remember to take their meds?

Right now, I can only think of using a pill organizer and setting alarms at specific times of the day when you need to be taking your meds.

You can also ask your doctor friends for advice too. I am sure you have at least one medical professional you can talk to besides your pdoc.

Slept very well and feel quite good this morning, other than vast national grief and sorrow. The n'hood in Seattle, where my best pal lives, looked like a freaking banana republic last night wiht tear gas and flahs bangs and guns. Insanity.

I really hve to figure out how I can remember to take all my medications. I am alone here and I often forget to take some of them. I just don't know how to help myslef with this. I wish there was a service for people living independeently where we could go and get our meds every day. That would be perfect for me. Then, all I would have to do is show up. Pretty sure that, I could pull off.

Being in the hospital for so long was very good for my bipolar. I was way more stable being around all that support. I have to admit, given how hard it has been for me since getting out in 2016, that I sometimes wonder whether I should just live in a hospital forever. Maybe that is where I belong or something...

Hugs and love to all. Trying to remain apolitical here, but I did experience some hope this morning hearing Mr. Biden talk about Dr. King and Rosa Parks. Maybe we will get through this somehow.

Hiya bpcyclist. Assisted living can be expensive, but I don't think you need that, my friend. Hiring a person to stop by or call reliably, once or twice per day, is less expensive but I doubt that's necessary, either. At least not when we're relatively stable.

There are a lot of ways to remind yourself to take your meds. My most effective way is to put them in a place where I routinely go at pretty much the same exact times every day. Do you have such a place? I put mine in weekly pill boxes, because I just have way too many pill bottles to deal with. I'm lucky that my husband takes both morning and evening medications, too, so if I don't remember, he does, and we remind each other.

I have often heard that "doctors can be the worst patients". I'm not saying you're a bad patient, but just responding to what you wrote above. My father-in-law was a neurologist/psychiatrist and a real humdinger when he got sick. My husband also said he often "tried" the medications he prescribed for his patients. [Well, maybe it would be nice for the pdocs to try an antipsychotic, or two. ] My sister-in-law and brother-in-law are both retired doctors. Both have bipolar diagnoses. My sister-in-law has always self-medicates to chase hypomania. My brother-in-law used beer all of his life, until it ruined his liver. Now he finally takes medications, but the damage was done. Their mother (different than my husband's) died as a result of bipolar disorder.

The pill boxes help tremendously. I have two, a morning box that sits on the table. Every morning I have a glass of chai and take them together. I have an evening box that sits on my bedside table. The last thing I do is take the pills. Every Sunday I fill the boxes. My cat monitors me. I'm not kidding. No matter what time I do the refil he comes and sits next to me.

Do those pill boxes help, BirdDancer? You just fill them every week, or something? Maybe I should try that. Maybe amazon has them or something.

I am a much better patient than I used to be. I am sober fro a long time (other than the bizarre decision to sit and drink a beer the other day--so weird, so weird), so that is good. And I only take the medication my doctor writes for. I used to take all kinds of experiemental meds when I was younger, because my then pdoc did not treat my depression very aggressively and it made me angry, like she didn't care. I loved her, I still love her, God rest her soul. But I just think she could have been more hardcore. As I haev said before, I do believe bp 1 patients sometimes get the short end with our depression mgmnt. Everyon e is so freaked out abou tus not getting manic. Which I totally get. Believe me. It takes about 30 seconds to completely deestroy your life.

I leveraged a combo of a pill box and an alarm on my phone. You could also buy a couple of cheap alarm clocks and set them to pill time. Visual reminders help too like a note on the wall that reminds you that pill time is 5pm or whatever. The pill boxes are great though in terms of quickly proving whether or not you actually took the med of later on you cannot remember. Filling them is a less than 5 min investment even if you're on several pills.

And this would probably be pricey, but it is cool. I like the call/text alerts for missed dose feature
Automatic Pill Dispenser for Seniors & Loved Ones - MedaCube

My weekly pill boxes (two) are pretty much mandatory for me. It reduces stress. It does take a little time to fill them once per week, but that effort is worth not having to fart around with several pill bottles twice per day. I put them in a pretty painted box on my dining room table, where I eat every day. The box is directly to the right of me. If I did forget despite that, I could put the sucker right in the middle of my place mat.

They sell pill boxes in every pharmacy, and Amazon definitely has them. Attached are two photos. One with all of the pill bottles, incl. hubby's. The other with three weekly pill boxes (2-mine, 1-my husband's). [I need to fill them today.] The pill boxes are less intimidating. No? Plus, I can see if I took them that day or not. Some bottles I need meds from for both morning and evening. Three are different Seroquel XR doses (400 mg / 200 mg / 50 mg). I take 50 mg in the morning and 650 mg at night. My Seroquel XR doses change frequently. I have to take 6 pills of Tegretol XR each day alone (3 pills morn / 3 pills evening). It's nuts, but necessary!

I am glad you stopped at the one beer. Please don't pick up that habit again! You know how easily it can get out of hand. I know.

My pdoc became reluctant to aggressively treat my depressions, too. Honestly, they were much more harmless than my manias, which often became severe manias w/mixed features and psychosis. Many of my worst were likely triggered by adding an AD to my mix, which always included a moodstabilizer and antipsychotic. Many things easily trigger mania in me. My manias are much more dangerous. When I'm purely depressed, I rarely even have SIs. I'm just in bed 23 or 24/7, barely even thinking.

So I’m not sure how to stop obsessing when I’m trying to go to sleep. I do not think it is related to my mood (except when I wasn’t sleeping). It just...is. The topics rotate. For a few weeks it was my relationship with my late husband. That switched to planning a non existent wedding and wondering when/how/if RS was going to propose. That seems to have eased. But now it’s moved in to how awful I was in the past and how many people I hurt during episodes, how many hospitals I’ve been in, what it was like in the group home, what I wished I would have done differently.....this is familiar because it was my obsession a few months ago too. I don’t really know how to quiet my mind when I’m trying to sleep. Maybe I’ll bring it up in IOP tomorrow

I always feel like complete **** during my therapy sessions. Today she noticed for sure. I told her I was upset. I asked her if we could end early. I didn’t even look at her when she ended the call. Now half an hour later I feel much better. I don’t get why therapy makes me feel so badly. She knows it does. I told her I was thinking of going to bed after the session and she said “I don’t want therapy to always wreck your day.”

I wish I knew what the exact problem was. I didn’t feel left hanging like other times. Especially since I bounced back shortly after. I really don’t know.

Oh, man. You are killing me with that MedaCube. Absolutely HAVE to have one of those.

Hey, wildflowerchild, cannot recall if you meditate. When I am racing or psychotic bad, which happens a lot, I find that if I focus only on my breathing, my breaths, that it is really hard for me to focus on that crap. I always get pulled away to it, but I just bring myself back over and over again. I am not good at it, but it does quiet me down big-time. I don't even take any anxiety meds any more and I have horrible anxiety. Horrific. But I detest Klonopin and it is the only thing that works. I do much better treating my racing and psychosis by breathing than with drugs--when I am in an acute state.

What about headphones? People at the state hospital rely hard on them and they really, really help people. There are many comfy ones and you do not have to spend $400 to get good ones. I'd say a nice set of phones and good music is worth as much as a good antipsychotic, and I am not even joking. Totally serious. I just got a very solid pair for 8 bucks. Happy to help you find a pair, if you like. I used to be an elder type on a busy headphone site for a while...

What about one of those seashore sound makers? Surf? Rain? One of those might help, too.

I know, its pretty sweet. In the more affordable zone they do have pill reminder services you can set up. They call you and text you at pill time for a monthly fee.

You can use Google Calendar for free and set up alerts. You can set the sound, volume, custom message, how many times to repeat (e.g., repeat everyday at 10pm), and much, much more. Works on both android and iOS.

The phone call thing, I don't know what you can do to imitate that, but Google Calendar is really customizable and takes maybe 10 mins to set up if you're not accustomed to using it, or less than 1 minute if you’re acquainted.

You can also set up recurring text messages, which is effectively the same as Google Calendar. See here: How to Schedule a Text Message on the Android | Small Business - Chron.com

Just thought I'd mention those options, as I use them regularly for work.