Bipolar check-in #46

Mom is determined to go to senior hour at Costco with or without me so I’m taking her. She could spend hours there if I don’t herd her along. I called about their policies...they have floor markings for distancing and you have to wear a mask so that makes me feel a bit better. We’re running a couple of more errands where I’ll go in. Hopefully all goes smoothly.

I’ve had a few bad days including today but I’m working on turning it around. Putting one foot in front of the other until I come out of it.

Warm regards to all and hugs to those that are struggling.

Started a new pain med last week. Teptentadol (I think), an opioid. Taking small XR dose once a day most days in the last week. It helped immensely with the severe pain. Seemed like no problems until I hardly slept last night and quickly descended into a horrible experience that is still continuing tonight after taking a dose at 1 pm today. Sweating, racing heart, shaking, paranoia, reality distorting and becoming more vivid, racing thoughts, euphoria, and obsession.

Happened to be seeing my T today and was in contact with him throughout the afternoon. He wanted me to contact my pdoc but I don’t trust he would reply. Something which I can’t handle right now. I have a scheduled online appointment with pdoc tomorrow anyway.

T suggested Seroquel. I resisted as I was scared of taking drugs but finally took some a couple of hours ago. This slowed my heart a little but I’m still on the edge of reality. So paranoid and scared. At least I know something is wrong but how long that will last I don’t know. It happened so suddenly.

Obviously I have to stop the pain med. so frustrating as no other pain meds we’re working and the pain can get to the level of feeling like I’ve been shot in the stomach. Scared to tell my pdoc about this tomorrow. Don’t know why. Usually I trust him. It is also my mothers 70th birthday tomorrow so I can’t go mad or I’ll ruin her birthday. Nearly 8 pm here and I’m still wired and obsessive. Would think I had hypomania but I have no energy. Not depressed either. Just losing my mind. If I had the energy I would be out doing crazy stuff. Just feeling wild. Worried.

Yeah. The irony is that I hate creamsicles. I don't like anything orange flavored, but I love the color orange (just not as much as pink, as I liked my pink bike, lol).

Dreamcycle sounds nice.

I don't think I can ride anymore this week, though, except maybe Saturday. Gonna rain on Friday, and tomorrow, my legs will be hurting. I just know it. I have a foam roller, but there's not much it can do to prevent the lactic acid buildup.

bluebicycle, great photos! There's always something extra special about being out in the morning. I'm glad you enjoyed the ride.

Jennifer, I hope the shopping trip went well.

Wander, that sucks that you're struggling with the medications. I hope you can find a way to ease the pain, safely, while managing your bipolar symptoms. I would keep all your doctors in the know about everything.

Had another nightmare. It was right after I fell asleep. I was hearing things again too. I really hope I meet with the dr in IOP today or tomorrow.

Edit: I want to add I cooked dinner for the first time in a couple of weeks yesterday. Small advances.

I washed my hair this morning. I don't even remember the last time I washed it before today. That will be my main accomplishment for the day. I'm taking it rather easy from this point on other than minor tidying up and reheating food.

Yesterday I received a flower arrangement delivery from my husband. It is gorgeous! We've been getting so much stuff delivered lately that our front porch is as busy as Time's Square. I feel a little bad about that because there is a mama bird sitting on eggs right near there on our rose arbor, amidst the rose vines. She is so tolerant of all of the disruptions. Why I'm mentioning this is because when I went to get the flower arrangement, I almost felt bad bringing it in. I thought "Maybe mama bird deserves something beautiful to look at for Mother's Day and all of the disruptions." When I picked it up (I was only about 5 feet away from her) I turned it so she could see all sides of the arrangement. I said "Isn't this pretty Mama?" Our roses will eventually bloom there, but I believe she and her chicks will be gone by then.

I finally bought a ROAD iD wristband about 30 minutes ago. It's one of those medical emergency bands that you put on your wrist to show your name (in my case, my first and last name, plus middle initial), DOB, emergency contacts, and meds/allergies. Since my meds change so much, I just opted to put my allergies (Tylenol and Penicillin).

I do bring my phone with me whenever I go out, but it's nice to have peace of mind. Plus, I know I can get an ID card for cheap and stick it in my wallet, but it's way easier for someone to read and find a wristband than it is to go through someone's wallet searching for info. Plus, most EMTs are actually trained to look for medical ID bracelets.

I suppose it's not overly useful unless you're elderly or active outside all the time, but I think it's good to have, especially since I have been exercising more outdoors in the past 2 weeks.

That's a good idea since you have allergies like Penicillin and Tylenol. I keep an ID card in my wallet, too, with my psychiatrist's contact information. I put it right in between my insurance cards, which they'd definitely be looking for during a hospitalization. Though my meds do change a bit, they don't so much as they used to. Still, I'd rather my psychiatrist give them up-to-date info. I'm lucky that my psychiatrist would surely call a hospital back quickly if they left a message for him. He also includes his cell phone number on his vmx.

Lovely bike

Well, I at least didn't feel knock out tired after Gabapentin last night, but this morning I slept through my first alarm and didn't wake up until after 12pm. Oops. But I feel ok right now. I think.

I never really feel I have much to say. Hmm. I mean, apparently it's nice outside and I really should get some sun, but I'm not up to dressing up to go out at this point...suppose breakfast and coffee might help that. Yeah, it's 1:30pm now and I still haven't had breakfast. *facepalms

Edit: ooo! Tom Cruises Mission Impossible is on tv this Sunday. Funny how i was just thinking of this movie recently. Lol

Oh your bike is beautiful

Jello? Yes My Daughter got a bike like 3 weeks ago and she said she got off and literally had to lay down it was so bad But Today she went 8 miles and had no trouble...

Im so happy that you can now get out and enjoy the trails

My husband pushed me to drive into town to have my phone session with my T He promised he would stay in bed ...

Session went well, Richard knows I will not be able to get much sleep until I know Steve is getting better, thats just how its always been.. Nothing is going to change that..

It did help for me to say outloud the worry and fear I have about my husband being ill...

Was a beautiful day here.. Tomorrow into mid-upper 80's ..Im gonna be flipping the AC on tomorrow , I can not handle the heat!

Hugs to all

I'm glad to read that you had some chance for some level of stress release during your tdoc session. You definitely need Richard's support. Hugs

My sister has a new neurologist appointment for my father on June 1. She intends to take him there. To her knowledge, they are accepting patients in the office. She said that she will take him, but we agreed that I would create the write-up (Dad's history and concerns about him) that would be sent to the neurologist ahead of time. Dad is supposed to be going home on May 31.

To help me prepare the write-up/history, I asked my sister to send me a brainstorm of all of Dad's concerning behavior that she can remember. I will add mine, as well. One thing she sent rather shocked me a bit. She wrote that Dad believed he saw Queen Elizabeth II at his assisted living. He told her that it took him a while to realize that that was not true. She also wrote that he continues to have difficulty remembering where his room is, even though it's the first room out of the elevator on the second floor. I mentioned here that he told me he thought my birthday was in June and not May. I mentioned this to my therapist and she asked me if I was sure that he knew he was talking to me, and not someone else. I think he knew it was me, but she's made me question that slightly. Anyway, it will be a very sad document that I need to write.

@~Christina sending love to you and Steve.

I took a walk with n3 this evening. Now I've got a headache. Oh well.

I got up and stayed up today. Called Caleb but about 3 hours later I couldnt keep my eyes open so I napped in my recliner- no cpap! And I was just fine.

My head hurts. Not bad but it does hurt- back bottom of my skull.

I'm so bored. My vision is blurred so reading is hard and tv is impossible, besides there's nothing on anyways. At least on my iPad I can make the writing large. The reopening of everything has me nervous.

I am feeling really hopeful about my mental (and physical) health. I don't want to speak too soon as it's way too early to know how I'll continue to respond to this birth control, but I feel well and maybe even better since starting it. I really messed up my hormones as an adolescent with an eating disorder and things got better, but never seemed to fully right themselves. I really hope this is part of the answer. Of course, I still have other psychological issues including OCD and need therapy, but hopefully this will help with the worst of my mood issues.

My super busy schedule is about to calm down and that'll be a nice break. Being busy has been good because it's kept me from ruminating or going into a downward spiral, and all this isolating in my studio apartment alone has gone by fast, but the change of pace will be nice.

Worried about the world and those I love of course. Sending compassion and hope you all stay healthy.

I felt quite desperate tonight and called the crisis line. But while i was waiting i started patting my dog and felt better so i hung-up without speaking to anyone. I feel bad because of my empty days in general but about Scrabble club in particular. I played a new player tonight and it's clear that he will surpass me soon. I've been playing for twenty years and had a long slow climb up the ladder so it's upsetting to see these new people come in and zoom up in just a few years. Trying to have equanimity about it tho. Talent is not shared out fairly. I've done well with the little talent i have. I just have to be even-tempered about new players who are more talented. I wished this guy well, said he was a 'rising star' so i guess my new role as a veteran player is to encourage and support the new players.

I feel grief because at times i've felt passionately about Scrabble. That's all passed now and i am just playing to kill time and be part of something. The new player said he liked playing me and wants to play me more often. I'm at the top of our division so i guess my game is more interesting for him than the others. I actually had a fairly good night at Scrabble it turned out, once the results were in.

But in general life seems pretty empty and i feel exhausted. I dread the future of life just unfolding in this featureless mediocre manner but i can't see how it will change. If i didn't have my dog i would give up.

Christina, lots of prayers for you and Steve. I'm glad you get to "see' your therapist.

I'm sorry I've not been very active on here lately. There is some stuff in my life that I'll share sometime soon. Every time I sit down with the intention of sharing it I just want to run and hide.

So I'm somewhat depressed, circumstantial instead of BP.

I am sleeping at least 15 hours per day, more if I can get it. Last evening I had a church class I was supposed to do online at 8:30. By the time 8:30 rolled around I was fighting to stay awake and didn't think a think of the class until 1 AM. Oops.

Because of the depression and fatigue I keep doing things like that. It's really frustrating.

Back to trying to explain why I've only been reading.

I’m sorry you’re having a tough time. I hope things start looking up soon. Sending hugs, good thoughts and supportive vibes.

I’m sorry you’ve been battling depression and fatigue. I hope things start looking up soon. Sending hugs, good thoughts and supportive vibes.

Well, thank you for the support. This is the kind of problem that results when a very artistic type goes into a career in science...

Thanks, BirdDancer. yes, I think the Trilafon has made a huge improvement that teh Abilifry was just not mustering.
You might just try to find a moment to sit down with what you have written or outlined so far and read it, like you are the reader, not the writer. When i have set something down for a bit, which I have to due to this illness, this si teh approach I take. I try to read what is there as though I have not seen it before. Then, just kind of get a feel for what is working and what maybe needs a little help. No expectations about having to crank out a page or ten. Maybe just try being the reader for awhile. Sometimes, that will light the fire.

Yeah, it's a smart idea to keep an ID card in your wallet. They're much cheaper than a ROAD iD anyways. I paid $43 for ROAD iD, which is a lot when you consider that you can get an ID card made for you cheaply or you even make one yourself. (Though, I think people are more likely to pay attention to a professionally-made laminated card.)

There are actually some cool bipolar "ID" cards on Etsy, btw, if you're interested. I saw them. You can put one in your wallet that says what your symptoms are and that you have bipolar. It also gives the emergency first responder the opportunity to learn that you need a calm, safe space right now because you're experiencing a psych emergency.

e.g., Bipolar Disorder Emergency Card | Etsy

and
Bipolar Awareness Medical Card Personalised Disability | Etsy

Thanks, Fuzzy and Christina.

I didn't even go 8 miles myself. lol. I think it was like 3 miles of intense hills. Lots of stopping, catching breath, and walking my bike. ha! I've got 10 speeds to choose from, but even the most ideal gear for hills was not good enough; that's how steep hills were!