Bipolar check-in #46

A few days after I cancelled the online counselling session through my employer benefits, I'm feeling satisfied for taking a decisive action. I never did disclose to my supervisor what's going on, other than saying I'm having a hard time dealing with the anxiety over the pandemic. So she directed me all the services in our benefits. I will mention to her to not do that again.

I am someone who believes in being honest, but not fully disclose. If I'm unable to be on my A-game, I will mention I'm having a tough time, that's all. My supervisor is doing her best and going by company policy.

The conversation with the counsellor started with me wishing her a good morning, and saying that I finished work at 10pm, when I am used to started work at 4am, so I feel a bit tired.
She said replied with we only have 45 minutes so lets not waste any time.

I lost interest 30 seconds into the conversation, so the rest of the sessions were cancelled. That wasn't my irritable bipolar reaction, the counsellor was just plain rude!

Glad your surgery went well and you’re sleeping well/feeling stable. Hope no tornadoes develop near you and you stay safe

When I went to CVS last month for my medication they had signs up that they weren't taking returns to protect people's health. I guess they are right since the virus can stay on packaging for a while but it is frustrating. I wanted to return something and couldn't too.

Maybe call Meijer (so jealous you have it; loved it when I lived in Kalamazoo) and see what they say.

Went on a walk but it was 75 and I had a sweatshirt on so I was a little warm.

I'm home listening to NPR. I like talk radio and this is a local- as in literally down the street- station.

I found what days the customer service and Meijer are open right now. But I had wondered the same thing- whether or not they would take back items because they might be contaminated. Its ok if they won't take one back- they were only $4 each.

So tomorrow should be a good bike riding day. I hope the saddle doesnt play up my behind issues!

I was just going over my sigmoidoscopy paperwork- the prep is similar to a colonoscopy- can only have clear liquids at a certain point. I have to do two enemas in a row but no drinking of anything. I think I just will go NPO that day- my appointment is at 10:30 - and make sure to eat at a normal dinner time the night before. This is a sigmoidoscopy- only examines the lower colon- unlike a colonoscopy which looks at the whole large intestine.

My poor hubby is in distress. He seems more distressed now than before he learned he still has his job. He hated his job before, but now they are giving him even lousier stuff to do and requiring that all people in his position submit some of their work for daily review and submit daily spreadsheets indicating exactly what they did, in how much time, etc. It really is extremely excessive. I would be *****ing, too, but for my husband it's especially difficult. Not just because of his physical challenges (his neuropathy is bothering him even more), but because of his tendency to stress and his ADD. Hubby is not the quickest and most efficient at doing certain things. It's not his fault. Instead, they should be utilizing his extreme talents in other ways. He, and some of his colleagues are now forced to do tedious work that emphasizes hubby's weakest points. Hubby said this evening that he wished he had put in for the voluntary retirement. It's apparently too late for that now. A couple of his colleagues will retire at the end of the month, but hubby will still remain.

It really bothers me that I can't do more to alleviate hubby's burden. If only I could work again, and work again at the type of job I used to do. I just don't see that ever happening, and all tdocs and my pdoc agree. I USED TO be able to do so much. Now I push forward too much and I self destruct. Though I would never wish my illness on my husband, if I was the weller one of us two, with my past abilities, talents and strength, our financial situation wouldn't be what it is now. I really wish there was some way I could take better care of my husband than I do. He needs a break.

Many times I have told my husband that I'd live in a tent with him, and even fish and hunt and gather berries. That's not too far from the truth. Unfortunately, my husband would never be able to live as simply as I would. It is ingrained in him to want more of a luxury life, of sorts. It's sort of a shame. To want/need very little, and be happy with that, reduces stress in life a lot. Henry David Thoreau said "Simplify, simplify, simplify!" Always yearning for more seems to bring perpetual frustration and sadness to some of us.

I have written about my stress here. It's affecting me physically a bit, too. I think I'm likely going through perimenopause right now. I'm often hot and sweating. My hormonal yada yada is off. Ladies stuff.

I wish my father's situation was clear and the solution, too. It's scary. It's a shame. I want to run away from it. I feel guilty possibly leaving it all to my siblings.

This pandemic is like a festering wound. It prevents us all from making plans that would otherwise be much more simple. And of course the little things we've been prevented from doing that give us some joy/relief are gone to us right now. Even my husband's strife was a bit more hidden from me when he went away to work each day, Mondays through Fridays. Now it's present 24/7. Though I try to spoil him a bit, as I can, it's not quite enough. He wishes the solutions would just come. Solutions that give him what he wants/needs. There is a feeling of helplessness that's setting in.

Never easy for Moms to let our children spread there wings..

How could Miguel afford to move out to begin with? My Daughter has a well paying job and shes gotta be very careful to make sure she can afford her rent and bills... Rent down there is crazy !

Start to lossen those apron strings Mom

Most stores are not accepting returns because of the possibility that someone could have covid and not know it and pass it along to someone returning a product..

I cant blame them..

Thats amazing ! what a great gift to give

Im so sorry that you have so much family and future concerns.. Life is just so hard at times having so many things happening at once...

I felt like such a burden to my husband when I first got sick and I still do... But there is much that I do and I dont give myself enough credit, And I am certain you do the same.. So try to have compassion and kindness for yourself..

So glad your surgery went well

How could Miguel afford to move out to begin with? He was able to get enough scholarships and things (with a part time job) to either pay for the dorms or a private shared apartment. He may be gifted a small size trailer in the same park as my extended family in which is cheaper then any apartment by almost 1/2. He's hoping a friend will move in too to split the lot rent. He's currently looking for an internship/job.

I am going through Rexulti withdrawals right now. Apparently itching is one of the withdrawal symptoms . It`s been driving me crazy I had to take some Benadryl to ease the itching. Otherwise I`m feeling pretty crappy . It`s the withdrawals . I `m not coming off this med by choice . They need more info from the doc and that`s taking some time . They (not my doc) decided to stop covering it because I also take Latuda. I feel like total crap. I hope all of you have a very pleasant weekend.

It's been a crappy couple of days. I've been worrying about some construction in the building. It's unclear whether it will effect me or not. Uncertainty is so unpleasant. I looked into coping with worrying. I did some aerobics, meditation and deep-breathing. Then i felt so much better i got inspired to go for a midnight stroll with my best girl (dog). It was really nice!

Hugs to all those who are struggling!

Still doing okay with the birth control. Crossing my fingers! Went early in the morning to water my community garden yesterday. It will be a nice way to get fresh air while maintaining social distance this spring/summer. I feel almost strange how fine I am with not being around people, although I do miss people of course, especially that I cannot see my niece/nephew, other family or significant other. But, in terms of socializing around people in general I guess I a really am an introvert. Also, my sensory overstimulation is helped by not being out in crowded places as much. That being said, I would take being uncomfortable around people any day if it meant this pandemic was over or improved. It's just something I am noticing about myself. Also, I have dermatitis on my wrist that I cannot get rid of with all this handwashing and hand sanitizer using because it keeps re-irritating it. Not a big deal, but it is getting annoying. My significant other is thinking of getting a dog and so I have been having fun looking at pictures of pups for adoption and sending them to him.

Have you tried washing your hands with Dawn dish soap? I know that sounds weird, and I know the soap is kinda "sticky," but when people rescue animals (e.g., ducks that get caught in oil spills), they use Dawn because it doesn't irritate their fragile skin/feathers/whatever. It's very gentle. You can also use baby wipes if you want. Baby wipes don't get rid of coronavirus germs, but if you're cooking and your hands get dirty (for example), you can just wipe them off with baby wipes. You can even use Johnson's head-to-wash baby soap. e.g., https://www.target.com/p/johnson-s-h...t_adv_XS000000

Thanks bluebicycle! I hadn't thought of using Dawn, but it might not hurt to try it and see if it is gentler than what I am using. I have also been handwashing laundry to avoid the crowded laundry facilities, along with my dishes, so my hands cannot catch a break. I think I need to start using gloves for some of that.

So, I got a new saddle for my bike because my @ss still hurts even today, despite going out on Wednesday last. (That's how horrible this seat was. I never had problems on my previous bike, so the seat on this one was just f_cked up.)

Also bought some cycling shorts with extra padding in them to prevent a sore @ss. I had to wash them twice and let them naturally dry themselves because you're not supposed to put them in the dryer. Plus, you're supposed to go commando in bike shorts, as underwear can cause chafing and destroy the bike shorts, so I don't know if anyone tried my shorts on before I picked them up, hence I washed both pairs twice each.

Anyways, I hope everyone has a good rest of their day. I'm craving some fresh French fries because I haven't had them in like 2 years, so I might just have a cheat day today. Yummm...

Got triggered this morning (not by my usual thing) And actually had to take a touch of Xanax (1/4 tab) to deal, as I have work today. Had to dampen the symptoms, but stay alert.

Anyhow, feeling sad and disconnected, like... alien, like I just don't belong on this planet. More than usual.

At work now, so I gotta go. I just want to crawl back in bed and not get out.

I’m doing much better today. Seems the minipress doesn’t get rid of nightmares for me, but rather changes how I feel about them. I had a dream last night that would have usually bothered me, but it didn’t. Yesterday I was feeling depressed, but not as much. I was able to get up and change the cat litter and do some laundry, which I hadn’t been able to do. It really hit me later in the day, but RS and my son cheered me up.

Today is beautiful. We took a nice walk around a lake in the town next to mine. I’m tired now. My mom is taking my son overnight because she misses him. I know we are supposed to be social distancing, but I just can’t not see my mom anymore. She is not in a very high risk group. A little bit because she’s older but not very.

Our favorite restaurant has opened for takeout. We are very excited! Probably going to order from them tonight.

Just found out that my nana passed away. I was never very close to her, so it doesn’t hit me too hard, but still, she was a nice person and I’m a little sad I didn’t get to see her again. Last time I saw her was a year and a half ago. We were supposed to go out for her birthday this year but then corona hit and we couldn’t. And because of corona we can’t have a proper memorial service for her, which sucks.

She was 97 though! She had a good long life. And now she’s with her sons again, if you believe in such a thing.

bluebicycle, I hope your tush feels better soon and enjoys your new bike saddle

Innerzone, I hope the Zanax helps and that you get through the work and can take a needed break.

wildchildflowerchild25, I'm glad your mood has been improving and the nightmares aren't so bad. I had been quite worried about you. Sorry to read about your nana's passing. 97 is a good long life!

It's a lovely day where I am, too. Hubby and I went to Home Depot and bought everything we need for planting flowers and herbs, including the flowers and herbs. We'll maybe tackle them tomorrow. Right now, hubby is fixing an issue in the kitchen, while I'm taking it easy.

Hubby's mood has been very low, lately. I've been trying to really give him extra love and support. My mood is OK. Definitely could improve, but the main stress seems to have eased. The flowers help. We even bought a pot full of petunias and a fern that will sit on our front porch. Some may recall my story about the flowers and the mama bird on the nest? Well, she'll have flowers and petunias to look at. Then, maybe she'll still be there with chicks when the roses bloom.

Yesterday I made caramelized banana ice cream with 6 bananas. It's absolutely delicious! I even made a wet walnut topping for it. I wish I had tripled the batch, instead of just doubling it. Anyone who owns an ice cream maker and has too many bananas, the recipe is at Caramelized Banana Ice Cream - Once Upon a Chef

My symptoms are all out of whack. I just got very angry and crabby last night for basically no reason and I’ve been like that all day today too. It almost seems like PMS because I’m having food cravings and slight water weight gain. Considering I never did get my period when I was supposed to 2 weeks ago, it very well could be legit PMS.

sorry for your loss. I am saddened to hear you couldn't celebrate her birthday in the way you wanted to, and that you cannot have a proper memorial service for her. but hey... 97 is very impressive. that's awesome! glad to hear she had a good life.

I've written blog posts about feeling like an alien. I used to think I was so different than everybody else that I must be an alien- or at least belong to some secret group. Guess I was right- its called bipolar.