Bipolar check-in #46

Just caught up. Lots going on. Lots of good things too! I am sending love and light- until bedtime!- to you all.

My day is ok. I missed getting up at 6 to walk this morning. A little bummed about that but no biggie. I walked 4 days in a row this week! I wanted to go at 6 because it was only 65 F at the time and the sun is up by then. I will try again another day. I cleaned a bunch this afternoon. Feels good. Yesterday was my first day without Seroquel. I'm just assuming that everything is going to go well with my sleep. I am all about getting physically healthy while staying sane! So far so good. Cleaning really puts my mood in a good place! I also got the petina off 40 wheat pennies by boiling them with baking soda. It took a while but the green stuff is gone. By the way! Don't mix bleach with copper or it will turn green- like my pennies! My plants are looking better since I gave them some TLC yesterday. They've "sproinged right up"!

Yeah I've generally heard very good things just the blood tests are gonna be annoying

You won't believe how quickly you get used to the blood work. I've been on it for 4 years now so am on monthly and have been for a long time but I honestly don't even remember going weekly.

It's made a HUGE difference for me and I hope you get results as good as mine.

If you don't mind me asking, do you have any side effects?

Nothing too bad. I gained weight at first but metformin has helped me lose it and mostly keep it off. Like most people on it I drool at night in my sleep but nothing awful. I do get dry skin on my chin from that so I need moisturizer. I wear incontinence pads at night because sometimes I sleep too soundly to know I need to get up for the bathroom. Sounds bad but I adjusted quickly and I no longer think about it much. It's just a dribble, not a soaking. I do get hungry and thirsty after I take it until I fall asleep so it's good to have lots of fruits and vegetables around for snacks. I need a lot of sleep but I'm on more sedatives than just the clozapine so I think that's more the issue.

Honestly it sounds a lot worse than it is. Everything is easily manageable and I'm completely used to it all. And I feel so much better that I would put up with a lot more than this. I've not been on a med that didn't have side effects of some kind and some of those were a lot worse to experience.

Well I painted today. Just a little one but I'm proud of my effort. It's a college of color with a swirl tree and swirling on it. My first artwork in years. I looked at paint night ideas on Google and got ideas.

I try and count my blessings and be grateful. There are a lot of people who have it worse than me. I have certainly had it worse than this. But i'm just so unhappy. Frustrated, irritable, bored. I spend most of the day laying around because i can't tolerate anything. Honestly, i have an Internet connection, i have Netflix -- why am i bored? I just can't stand anything. Scrabble didn't go well today which didn't help. I *did* get emotional watching the protest today. There was an eight minute and forty-six second moment of silence followed by "The Redemption Song." It was very moving. But otherwise just a huge struggle to pass the time. I sat in the lobby just to get a break from this apartment. I hate COVID-19. I enjoy hanging out in malls and restaurants and the airport. All that's not available now. I thought of drinking but it just gives me insomnia and sleep is a better escape than alcohol. Just tolerating life, not enjoying it. Wasting my time away. I'll go to bed now and if i just lay there, what does it matter?

Im having some very strange concerning health symptoms.. If they continue I think I will call my Doctor Monday and go in for a EKG and make sure its nothing heart related..

I swear the world is on fire.. maybe the Mayans got the date wrong

Can't sleep. It is now almost 2:30 a.m. I want to get up early this morning but that isn't gonna happen- not unless I can't sleep at all tonight.

You and me both. You and me both...

The only difference between you and me at this point is the fact I actually did wake up early (4am ish), and I cannot go back to sleep.

I hope you've gotten enough rest by the time you see this message.

Sorry to hear about your health symptoms. I hope nothing bad shows up on the ECG, but I am glad you are playing it safe and going to the doctor.

You've been going through a lot these past few months and deserve some peace and happiness. You're in my thoughts, as always.

That sounds lovely, Nammu! Art is so relaxing. Unfortunately for me, the only kind of "art" I can do is coloring, but even then, I still color outside the lines and make a huge mess of the paper.

You don't have to do this, but I would love to see your artwork if you're willing. But do not feel pressured.

Feeling depressed still. I hate that I crashed Thursday night into Friday morning.

I feel slightly tortured by the addition of Trileptal. I like to use sleep to cope with my depressions, but Trileptal gives me insomnia, which means I spent more time last night dealing with my negative thought patterns than I would if I had spent more time sleeping.

I am hoping this insomnia side effect goes away. If not, I may have to pop a k-pin at night to help me sleep. However, I do not want to rely on another med just to deal with this side effect. I also do not get very many k-pin pills when I do get an Rx, so I try to use k-pin sparingly.

I will call my pdoc on Monday if I haven't slept much this weekend. I hope I can stick to the Trileptal, though, because I really want something to control my moods without making me sedated. I just wish it didn't keep me awake. I was hoping it wouldn't have an effect on sleep. Also, I must say... I admit I am thoroughly confused by the fact drowsiness is "a common side effect."

Did not sleep very well at all. Woke up at 4 finally, ready to go, so, just got up and made some tea. A little blue so far, not yet really awake. Will eat and drink my tea and see what happens.

I do notice that, while I have not had a major depressive episode recently, I do have symptoms that show up regularly, such as sadness, hopelessness, and a very common one, anhedonia. The problem is worst with the anhednoia, because in me, it often coexists with or creates (or something) a lack of motivation to take action of any kind, really. This is bad, as action, like writing, say, almost always makes me feel better. Just sitting around is the worst possible thing for my mood, but it is so incredibly hard to do anything when the motivation part of my brain will not fire. Ugh!! I hate this illness so much for what it robs us of.

So, even though I do not quality for a MD episode, it can still have a big negative impact on my day to day life. Yet another example of how the DSM-V does not accurately characterize what it is actually, really like to live every single day with this illness. It just does not even come close to describing what I, myself, live with. It is a much more broad and expanisve and devastating set of experiences and challenges than described in the manual.

Am going to try to be more intentional. So, will write here that I am really going to try to ride the bike today. Maybe I can make it happen. Also, need to finish a chapter in the novel. So, maybe I can do those two things. Hopefully.

Am just really so heartbrokken at how bad this policing problem is in America. I think these cell phones are finally going to result in some major change. The majority of Americans, I believe, are pissed and heartbroken at what they are seeing. Throwing 75 year-olds to the ground, causing a major head injury? Are you freaking kidding me!!!!!!!!! Freaking monsters. Non-humans. They used to be able to kill and abuse people and then, frequently, not always, of course, I would never suggest that, but frequently, during any "inquest" (and I use the term with dramatic looseness), they would just lie for each other and local District Attorneys, with whom they work every single day on the same team, never, ever, ever attempt to hold them accountable. Grand jury testimony in the USA is secret, by law, so, the public never gets to actually hear the transcripts of the total bullsh** jobs 98% of these DAs do in those rooms. The grand jury system should be immediately outlawed. Kangaroo Court. Totall bullshi**. Always, always, always presented in favor and from the postiion of law enforcement. Complete bullsh**.

Sorry about the rant. So upset about these civil rights violations. I do think some Americans are a bit cocky about our role in the galaxy. Perhaps some of them should see the world, get a little more perspective. Go to London. Go to Beijing and Tokyo and Jerusalem. Definitely, have to go to Hawaii--everyone does. But I digress. See what is going on out there. That said, I do believe that the Constitution is one of the very most important documents written in human history (2nd most important, for me). I do agree with that. As a result, not even 400,000 (or however many there are) violent, dangerous, dishonest cops are going to win this one in the long run. Winston Churchill had my country totally figured out: The Americans can always and totally be counted on to do the correct thing, morally and ethically--just as soon as we have exhausted every other possible option... I think we are getting very, very close.

Am making myself a nice little caramelized zucchini, sharp cheddar, and sage fritatta for brekkie. Yum. I usually make it with fontina and caramelized onions, but this is what I got.

Love and hugs to all!!! I hope everyone has peaceful days. I love you all so very much.

I am sorry, blue, but please hang in there with this. These changes always take a little time to iron out wrinkles. You can do this.

I have never been on Trileptal. What time are you taking it? Any way to take it earlier? Caffeien or other stimulant intake? Exercising close to bedtime? I forget all your current meds, but, what is your bedtime regimen and what sleep meds have you tried before? It may just be that you migh tneed a little sleep help for a bit. Nothing to be too upset about, it happens.

Maybe you could use the wakefulness to do something. Clean, organize, work a bit, read, write or code or whatever. Watch a show or movie you have wanted to see. Get outside. Use the energy to do something, rathe rthan just sitting in your discomfort.

Sedning you strength and love. It will get better. Hang in there.

I am feeling much less agitated since creating a nice connection between Demons and Death.

Have a nice day!!!

I'm too aware. It hurts.

I was determined not to take seroquel last night. I went to bed around 11, went to sleep around 1am, and woke up today at 8:45 feeling refreshed. I am not sedated at all. I’m going to go out into my garden later to harvest the Romaine for my guinea pig. I’m feel so much better without that terrible seroquel dragging me down.

Last night, even though it took me two hours to fall asleep, my mind was strangely quiet. I didn’t obsess over one single topic. For awhile I thought about movies I liked, then drifted to another topic, thinking about something I read on reddit, etc. that’s why I didn’t feel the need to drug myself. Even though I was awake, I was calm. It was nice. A nice change.

lots of thoughts of previous trauma and even quite a severe panic attack

not a great start to the weekend. actually quite a horrible day

Isn't it just such a hgue gift when our brains aren't racing and raging at us like that? So glad you are having some relief...

It's Saturday. See if you can find a distraction. Go out for a little walk. Clean. Find a movie or show to get into, at least for a bittle while.

I had a good pal at the hospital whom we called the Loch Ness Monster. He was brilliant and educated and witty and a joy to talk to. But noone would ever talk to him, because he constantly paced around giggling and chatting animatedly to his voices.

I began to chat with him and I soon noticed that, once he was engaged in something else, like talking to me, say, all the giggling and the chatting to the voices totally stopped. He had severe, severe voices, but, with some distraction, they got so much better, that he was able to speak very intelligently with others and not be bothered.

Point is, doing a distracting activity may well actually have a neural pathway basis for making us feel a bit better. You switch to different pathwasy when you are working in the garden/on your car/looking at flowers and babies on your walk, etc. When you shift to thsoe happier pthways, you feel better, as the crappy pathways are firing less strongly or often or whatever it actually is. There is probably a good scientific rationale for trying to do something other than sit around and feel like sh**.

Can't post pics. Maybe when I get my new iPad? Best Buy just sent me notice that my iPad has been delayed. I think it's a cronoavirus delay from the factory. Hopefully my new one will last as long as the old one. Can't do much more than google and email on it. All other sites request that I update my browser. I can't it's too old. The sound died about a year and a half ago. As I'm deaf that wasn't enough motivation for me to buy a new one. But now every site is asking me to update. Even my bank and medical clinic.

My mood is continuing to dip. I'm doing less and less as the days go by. I'm glad that I have my video session with my psychiatrist on Monday. I have no idea what he'll say about my medications. Yesterday I even took 50 mg extra Seroquel (but the iR) to reduce the agitation. That did help. Today, I'm not agitated. I'm just feeling incapable of doing anything at all. I will dare to say that I am perhaps mildly depressed, at this point. I try to rally myself here and there, but it is short-lived. I pushed myself to bake some brownies, just to do something I normally like. They were supposed to bake for 30 mins max. I didn't hear the timer buzzer go off and completely forgot about them. They baked for probably 1 1/2 hours. Hard as a rock. Hubby said he'll eat them. That's pretty sad! A lot of wasted ingredients. They were totally from scratch.

I'm starting to feel physically ill. Nothing super specific. Just all over general malaise.

I'm definitely in full-blown mania. I've been able to sleep with help from my sleep meds, but I definitely notice a big difference in the quality and have been waking up more. I'm definitely way more irritable. I'm working too many hours, at least 12 daily, and through weekends. I'm pretty much a zombie. I'm hoping mania passes fast. Believe it or not, I feel so much more comfortable in a nice long depression. I think I'm so used to it... and have better coping skills for that mode. I printed a ton of grounding techniques for mania, and put a bunch as reminders in my phone and notes, in hopes that I'll have the keenness to be able to use them when the time arises. This is my first switch back since my mania bout in the hospital. I'm a little nervous.

Feeling low.
I feel like I don't have bipolar or schizoaffective or whathave you. I've had this thought for a while now. My first diagnosis as I said before was ******** because basically my dad told the ddoc "she gets hyper and mad then sad" and they're like "yup bipolar"
I don't havev good luck with therapists. She's just...not helpful. Every session it's "how are you doing?" (fine now) "are you social distancing?"(no, I slept with someone that was protesting) "are you on your meds?"(I havve n injection dipshit you would know if I wasn't) "are you having any symptoms"? (when am I not?) and so on and I don't get to work on things I want to/need to work on. Outside of mania/depression I still have a **** ton of mood swings that's just more like sever e emotions and my relationships suck and I feel empty all the time and I struggle with self harm and drug use and Im' just sad. I haven't been sober a ****ing day in three weeks and no one has a clu. On Tuesday I talke to my t again. I know I just know I'm going to flip out on her if I even answer the damn phone. If I don't I get kicked out of treatment from the whole facillity because that's their ******** rules and no more meds. Even group is better I get to talk for like 10 minutes if that and that's like ever other week but there are hardly any rules and if I don't show up that's fine I don't get kicked out or anything. They're helpful because most of the counselors never got official training. They're just genuine people that care and have been through **** themselves. But yeah, all the individual therapists I've had suck. None of them have ever helped me with anything. Probably the most helpful one was the first one I had that straight up admitted I needed to be admitted and that she couldn't help me. I would search for a new one but I've had like ten or so and again, none of them havve helpe me in the long term and when Im having bad short term issues they just tell me to go to the hospital beforei hurt myself.
"I don't like this air// but that doesnt mean i wont stop breathing it"