Bipolar check-in #47

It is completely natural to feel this way when you are struggling as you are. Just get through the next ten minutes and don't worry about anything else. It will get better. You just have to trudge through the mud first. You can do this!!!!!!!!

I think we don't want it to. Shouldn't that count too?

I got the results of my bloodtest part 2. My heboglobem or whatever it’s called is elevated. My mom googled it and it has something to do with rib something and iron. It supposedly is only a problem when it’s low. My doctor says it’s related to the T so he’s not concerned. I have health anxiety so I’m worried. I’m just mainly worried because in just 3 months I already have higher creatinine levels and now this. And I’m going to be on T for years.

You can stop stressing about that one, MD--it is only a problem if it is super high.

If you want to lower your hemoglobin just donate blood. You'll be doing a good deed and temporary reduce your hemoglobin. There's always a need for blood.

Partial hospital intake is tomorrow at 1:30PM very nervous

They will help you, falcon. This will be a very good thing. Totally behind you on this!!

I only got two hours of sleep last night so I have a major headache. I'm going to do group again today. I might call their crisis line, but I'm not sure if I'm "allowed" anymore because I'm not in the IOP or PHP anymore, just showing up for groups like an aftercare thing. I'm dealing with a lot of anxiety and shame right now. When exactly am I supposed to start feeling better?

I have been really tired and lethargic these past few days and also dizzy. Could that be because of it?

I've been there and remember feeling the same. Just keep breathing and remind yourself you are doing what you can to take care of yourself. That is smart and brave. They are just people. They have seen and heard it all and they are there to help. Deep breaths.

The crisis line LEGALLY has to help you if you call them. It would be illegal if they ignored you, regardless if you're in their IOP/PHP or not. However, as a fair warning, they may tell you to call someone else (e.g., 911) and tell you they themselves cannot physically help you because you're no longer their patient, which is perfectly legal to say. But they are obligated to help by connecting you to someone who can help you or telling you who to call for help.

Btw, do you think your drug use has exacerbated your negative feelings?

Please call that crisis line or go to the ED, spikes. We all love and support you!!!!!!!!!

Unlikely. Before it were to cause issues, it would probably give you more energy...

Slept very restlessly again, but did sleep a bit overall, so, not too bad. Not restful, but, given my sleep history, I really cannot complain. I feel fine right now, but the pattern has been feeling pretty solid for about an hour and then, the bottom starts to fall out and I am in rough shape within two hours or so. So, maybe today will be better. I almost never lose hope for improvement, which does help me. They say it is faith, hope, and love, and that the greatest of these is,,, Well, you know. For me, personally, my version of that is not faith, but total and complete certainty, hope, and love. And I always have that, no matter how bad it gets.

I do really wonder if my overall, decades of mania in June and depression in Oct/Nov has just flipped. A I say, I got manic and psychotic in October of '19 and it only ended a few weeks ago. Now, this. So, Since OCtober, I have had about, I guess, maybe threeish weeks of pretty euthymic time. Not judging, but I wonder if this is just the new me. Time will tell.

Really hopeful I can either write or ride the bike today. I will try again. It is all I can do. Wrote just a page yesterday and I could not have been less engaged or interested. So weird. But at least I ws gentle with myself and did not use all that old, negative self-talk that fueled my career for so long. So, that is good, I think.

Did happen to find a show that, while really not at all very similar, is somewhat tangentially related to my novel story line. It is quite interesting to see how another writer approaches stories involving odd brain capabilities. Pretty cool show, actually. It is called Stitchers. I will feelly admit that 4.647% of the appeal is the staggering physical beauty and hilariousness of the quite socially bereft and off-putting lead, she ist just too funny, but, hey, I am just a single guy, so, you know...

Love and hugs to everyone struggling.

Instead of calling, I went for a quick and easy hike which helped me take my mind off of things and helped a little with my physical symptoms. I'll call later when my mood plummets again. Could be ten minutes from now, but maybe I'll make it to group before that happens. I'm worried they'll convince me to go IP. I need to be spending MORE time outside, not less.
I'm fairly certain that the drugs have exacerbated the negative feelings. Weed has helped with sleep and PTSD type symptoms until the dispensaries closed and I had to get it elsewhere where I didn't know what the hell I was getting (at the dispensaries you know what % THC and CBD/what strains you're getting, one of the reasons why I'm all for legalization), then all of a sudden after I switched it started making me anxious and awfully restless. The other stuff, especially the drinking, was definitely not good for my mental state.
I'm worried about sleep now though. Most of the stuff I was doing was sedating (because I couldn't sleep) and I have a feeling I won't be sleeping more than three hours a night.

I think you need to call a hotline, Your just not stable. it happens to all of us at some point or another, there is no shame reaching out for help.

I think once you realize that your drinking and drug use ultimately is going to always hold you back from finding stability...... you will decide to get treatment and help to live a sober life.... only then you will make better life choices and feel better.

Im sorry that you self harmed, Please keep areas clean and treated well, you dont need an infection..

Call a hot line or use a text hotline. Help is available you just have to reach out for it.

Stay safe

My mind is finally quiet. I’ve got my sleep schedule fixed without meds and sedation. I feel stable after three months. It’s a wonderful feeling..

Congrats! Glad you're feeling stable and that you're able to get your sleep schedule fixed.

Stability is a wonderful thing to hear.

Still feeling down in the dumps, but I'm trying to stay positive. It's just getting harder and harder to stay positive and do things that I need to get done.

I also need a haircut because my hair is getting WAY too long. I should have done it back in January when I first thought about it. Now that corona has taken over the world, I'm not sure I want to get a haircut...

I wish trileptal kicked in sooner than my pdoc's claim of 2-4 weeks. I hate how meds take forever to kick in. It kind of demotivates me, if I'm honest...

Fantastic

......

wildchildflower, I'm so happy to read that your bipolar disorder is under control and you can enjoy life more. Things are getting a little easier in our state. Hopefully that will help, too.

bluebicycle, I hope the Trileptal kicks in soon. Sometimes it happens that you wake up one day and things look suddenly a little different. My doc just let me cut out a little of a med in the morning. I'll be waiting on that to help, too.

My energy levels are still lower than I'd like, but my mood is otherwise OK. I wish it wasn't so darned hot and humid today. It wasn't so bad a few days ago.

I made the most delicious spinach quesadillas for lunch today, along with a black bean salad. Last night I made a chicken dish that beyond marvelous, one I've made before. If hubby didn't totally agree, I'd wonder if my thinking was a bit skewed on the taste. I mean, eating those meals was like a mini paradise. Hubby even said that if I want to subscribe to the NY Times cooking section (the subscription for that is separate from the paper) that I should. I think I will because most of their recipes are five star recipes.

I certainly hope that someday I will be able to at least work part-time again. I've been trying to think about what I might do. I do not believe going back to a managerial level marketing/sales job would be good. Though I'm not an enthusiastic house cleaner (though I keep mine acceptable), I do love to cook and bake. Maybe someday I could go and cook a couple meals per day for someone who needs that help. I can cook/bake pretty much anything. Any type of cuisine. My only limitation is that I get very nervous when cooking for larger gatherings/parties.

Haven't checked in here on this thread in awhile. I'm doing really well, completely stable and have been for a couple months now. My birthday was last Thursday, my sister got me an Xbox gift card and I bought a new game with it. Also went and got a haircut over the weekend. I have my hair in a short stacked bob style, I really like it, it's so much easier to deal with especially in the hot weather.

So yeah, things are going good. Have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow. Not much to report since I'm doing well.

Right now I have some spicy Italian sausage and homemade meatballs in sauce cooking in the crockpot so I can have it with pasta later! I'm looking forward to eating that. I'm getting more into cooking lately. Looking up recipes and stuff on pinterest. This is the first time using my crockpot.

Hope everyone's doing alright