Bipolar check-in #47

Ah--thanks for reminding me. I am going to go install it now.

I am sorry, blue. I would attribute this to whatever mood stuff you have going on right now. It will pass. Just try not to break something important. Punch a pillow, maybe, if you have to?

Also, maybe, given the irritabiliy right now, might wanna make that appt. either early or late, when it is less crowded. People are annoying when we are annoyed.

I hope it calms for you today. Maybe try to get outside for a few minutes and get some fresh air. Sometimes, even five minutes helps me.

Hugs and love.

Well, finally got tired and fell asleep around 0530 or so. Just never got tired. Got about four hours, then, ready to go again. It is always a challenge for me to try to anticipate and correctly identify--am I getting hypo again, or, is this just average, unstable bipolar sleep stuff? I can never tell, it seems, so, we'll just have to wait and see.

Yesterday was better for me. Was able to write a chapter in the novel. It went well. I was engaged and somewhat creative and I enjoyed writing. That feeling has just been almost totally absent for quite awhile. My amotivation has been collosal lately. Again, always tough to know--am I getting into a depression mode? Am I just having a BirdDancer blip? Dunno, I just do not know how to tell into more is revealed.

So far this morning, not blue, not hopeless, and did not wake up in a negative loop pathway thing. Maybe today will be a pretty good day.

I unintentionally watched the video of that man in Atlanta who was shot and killed by police. As most know, there are few people more critical of big-city American policing than me. That said, waching that film, which I totally did not want to see, it just came on and I glanced up, anyway, if they charge that officer with any kind of a seriosu crime, I personally, having seen what I saw, think it might be very unfair to that officer. The guy turned around and suddenly aimed a long object at that officer with no warning. It could easily have been a gun. easily. No one is bigger about civil rights than me, I don't think, but thta must have been terrifying for that officer to see something aimed at him without any warning or time to talk about it. Just my personal take and I am sure others will disagree

Love and hugs to all!!!!!!

I agree. To me the situations are not apples to apples. The cop who lost the tazer knew the man had a tazer. The other cop could have assumed he grabbed his partner's gun. In a split second situation like that there isn't time to gather Intel. I do think alternative choices could have been made and we should always strive to protect life, but I can see why it unfolded like it did.

In the George Floyd case the cop had control and then leveraged his power to kill. In this case there was no control and the life of the officers and the people surrounding him were potentially in danger.

I feel like for this to stop we need technology to arm police with that keeps everyone safe. I'd love to see a device that puts a force field around a subject that stops them and keeps them from harming themselves or anyone else while a discussion can occur allowing time for everyone to calm before proceeding. Or maybe it stops them long enough to allow a third party mediator to intervene.

I don't have a lot of ideas, but I'd love for us to reimagine how everything works using methods to ensure life for all.

A force field, huh--cool.

Fern encouraged you first, I'll add some encouragement.

I don't know which grocery service you use, but I am sure there is a Whole Foods near you. They seem to be everywhere. I know that at many points during the covid 19 pandemic it's been hard to get those "appointments", but it's getting much much easier now. I can often get a same day, if I order early enough.

Thanks, my friend! I think the extra Seroquel has helped a little,

Did you go to college in NJ? I can imagine you being a nice catch for the ladies! Then and now.

I did enjoy the early morning at the shore. It's beautiful at Island Beach State Park. Because they only allowed 60% of usual visitors, it was comparatively quiet. There were fewer people even than that in the morning. Here's a photo I took yesterday in the direction with no people. You can see a bit of the dunes on the right side, Atlantic Ocean on the left.

For any Snookie fans (of the old reality show Jersey Shore) -- if there are any --- Seaside Heights is a handful of miles in the opposite direction. And for the record, people in that area do not sound like Snookie! And I do not sound like Snookie. Not that Snookie's accent is bad, but it is not a typical NJ accent of the majority of NJ folks, nor are the ones of the women that were in the show Housewives of NJ. They were both two shows I watched maybe for 15 mins once.

I am a Columbia grad, but had many classmates from Bergen County, where I spent a lot of time.

Gorgeous photo and one that will probably never be taken again, since I cannot imagine so few people on that beach.

Very happy to hear you are feeling a bit better. Hope it continues...

Thanks for the suggestions, @fern46, @bpcyclist, and @BirdDancer. I greatly appreciate it. I'll try out Whole Foods, as suggested.

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I was so pissed off that I just gave up and called my pdoc during the after hours service. At first, the receptionist guy didn't want to connect me to my pdoc (which is typically what they'll try to pull on me). He was like, "so... What's the problem? Anger and agitation?" I said yes. Then he was like, "You can call back tomorrow during normal business hours if the anger still persists. People use this line when they have an urgent matter that needs to be addressed. Are you in danger or a danger to others?" I said no. But then I just quickly made up some BS like, "I've heard Trileptal can cause low blood sodium, and I'm not sure if I have low blood sodium that's causing the anger." THAT is when he was like, "ok, I'll get a hold of your doctor."

I hate having to spew bulls*** out of my mouth, but I am feeling worse and very angry, and I know the receptionist guy would have rejected my request if I didn't say some B.S. like that. Then I would be seething all day and probably blow up on someone.

But anyway, I talked to my pdoc about the agitation and worsening depression. Like, I actually talked to HIM on the phone, not his stupid f***ing "assistant." He says should try titrating up at a slower rate. (I can't remember if I said this, so I apologize if I am repeating myself, but I was supposed to be taking half a tablet everyday for 7 days. Then move on to one tablet in the A.M. and one in the P.M..) So we're going back to half a tablet twice a day until I see him again on Friday. Ughhhh.

My pdoc doesn't think trileptal is necessarily causing my anger/rage, but I'm feeling worse anger and depression wise, and I'm fairly lightheaded. Hopefully the decrease in Trileptal dose helps, though. I also wasn't sure if trileptal causes or exacerbates depression, but my pdoc said it's very unlikely, so we're monitoring things for a while. But if lowering my dose gets rid of the agitation, then I'll know Trileptal is the culprit.

He offered to put in a request for me to get a blood test about the sodium stuff. I said I don't feel comfortable going to a doctor's office and getting blood drawn unless it's an emergency. I want to mitigate my risks for contracting the virus. Plus, I doubt it's the sodium problem anyways. I just threw that idea out there to make the stupid receptionist forward me to my pdoc, because I know he wouldn't have otherwise.

Very clever, blue. I hope this helps...

I was becoming a little over the top a little while ago. If tomorrow is like today, I may need to take even more Seroquel beyond the morning Seroquel readdition that I made this morning. I decided to go out for a bit and found myself talking loudly to myself in public and my car. It can take various forms. In my car, I did an entire comedy routine as if I was in a NYC bar. I certainly entertained myself, but when I got home my husband wasn't talking to me.

Sorry BirdDancer. I know that must be a little unsettling. Sending good vibes your way and wishing the med change will help bring you out of this. Let us know if there's anything we can do for you.

Yeah, this sounds all super familiar. Sorry. Maybe a bit more Seeroquel will do it manana...

Good for you! I'm happy for you.

Just home and showered after a walk with n3. I think I might be going through some empty nest stuff. I feel lonely without n3 here. And I hate being alone after a while. That's when my thoughts get whirling out of control. I read all posts and it seems as if the thread is balanced- the people all supporting each other and no horribleness. I guess I'm just feeling better after having lunch with my friend.

So I have this appointment on the 29th. Its for a sigmoidoscopy because of the rectal bleeding I was having. My mom keeps trying to talk me out of having it: she keeps saying I should call my primary doctor and ask if its really necessary! If it weren't "really necessary" I think my primary doctor would call me herself to tell me to cancel. What do you all think? I feel like my mother doesn't want to be bothered with taking me there and home and with staying there in the waiting area for 3 to 4 hours. But there is absolutely no getting around it- I MUST have a driver for both ways who can stay and wait for me. That's what I think my mother is worried about. Totally selfish! And she had the gaul to say that I "just like having procedures"! Last time I had a procedure it was a liver biopsy and the time before that it was a colonoscopy. Those, it seems, she deems necessary and therefore didn't have a problem taking me.

Thank you bpcyclist, wander and wild coyote. I know you’re 100% right that I needed to call my pdoc/t right then and there. I didn’t. I didn’t even text my t to get in tomorrow instead of tues. I just don’t want my husband and mom knowing what I’m thinking. Even if I think I’m making sense, I know they will think I’m crazy and restrict so much. It inevitably happens. Yes, my husband already has my keys and wouldn’t even let me drive around the corner to my parent’s house. I think I acted pretty normal all day ...maybe giddy and extra hyper, but not blatantly manic. But boy, those thoughts were insane. Now, the pictures from Perdido Key 8 years ago (when I had my massive psychotic break) are showing up on my timeline and I am LONGING for the beach. My body is craving the majesty of the ocean and boy am I thinking of heading back there. My thoughts and desires and plans are all over the place. Right now I’m drugged up with Seroquel and Klonapin and my eyes are so tired but my body says to get up and exercise. I’m pretty sure sleep will win over though. I’m trying to pan out everything I want to say to my t on tues. I usually tell her everything but I’m not sure I’ve seen her during a time when my thoughts sound so insane (maybe I have and am forgetting, not sure) and I know she’ll think I’m crazy and I’m very, very afraid of what could happen.

Thanks for checking in, cashart. maybe you can just sleep until Tuesday or something...

Thanks! I went to the beach yesterday to sit and watch the surfers and sailboats for an hour. It was calming, but even that small exertion wore me out. This only frustrated me further. I rested the remainder of the day. It is winter here but a warm one so far. If I had the strength I would go swimming.

You are taking me down memory lane...

Got a few things right today: took a shower (!), got my dog out twice (for over an hour the second time), ate some veggies, drank some water (instead of just all junk) and made progress on a bad habit i have in Scrabble. But i'm still feeling pretty cranky and wondering where the pleasure is in life. Thanks for your reply @bpcyclist but it's not a mixed ep, definitely a depressive ep and i'm not interested in meds at this point. Laid around for most of the day. I don't seem to wake up (as in be alert) until after 5:00pm. My day is seven hours long.

Great job getting so much done today!!!!

Not sure if anyone could relate to this, but I've been experiencing some hypomanic symptoms over the past few weeks where I changed my whole look. Sometimes when I go through an episode, I end up going through a whole phase where I try to "reinvent myself,'" especially when on the manicky side. I'll get so absorbed with wanting to change my hair, my clothes, my identity...everything. I dyed my hair a completely different color and now regret it, and I ended up dropping $300. Got into an argument with someone when she said she didn't like it. I've been flying off the handle a lot lately and have been really irritable, almost started breaking things. This is affecting my relationship with a couple of my family members who no longer want to spend time with me due to an altercation I had with one of them. Seroquel is helping me get some sleep, but my mood is definitely off.

Yep, sorry you are dealing with this, Raven. I have said a thousand times here, irritability and agitation are so common and specific to bipolar disorder that they ought to be diagnostic criteria--in my personal opinion.

Hope that Seroquel works for you soon!!!!

Thank you! I'm hoping to get a handle on things before it gets worse.

I'm staying at my mom's tonight. I just went to get water at 2:15 and expected my usual half-awake water filling and back to bed. I got downstairs and immediately noticed a "bird" flying around. I am terrified of birds. I woke my mom and we discovered it was a bat. It flew into the basement so we can deal with it tomorrow (hopefully my BIL can since he is conveniently here.

Now I'm good and awake. Wow