Bipolar check-in #47

@BeyondtheRainbow

Do you remember side effects from when you first started clozapine? I remember you mentioned you were in hospital so it's totally fine if you don't remember. I'm getting a lot of drowsiness.

I don't really remember. I know I wasn't sleepy immediately but I don't know when that kicked in. I was IP because I was going off a very high dose of Seroquel so everything I experienced could have been clozapine and could have been Seroquel. I was very sensitive to noise and bright lights but don't know the cause of that. One day I just suddenly slept after not sleeping well for months. Although I must have had some sedation because I don't remember sleeping pills beyond my usual klonopin. I was tapered up on gabapentin during that hospitalization too which could have been putting me to sleep. I know I was waking easily but that's always true for me when IP.

I was less sleepy in the day when I got out of the hospital and was able to move to taking all the clozapine at night.

Have you ever tried Ketamine, Scooter?

It's experimental here in Canada so I'd have to be part of a clinical trial.

I looked into it and the whole process lasts over a year (assuming I get accepted), plus I'd have to take time off work often because they only do treatments during business hours. So I can't really do it unfortunately.

I'm at the point where I feel I've tried everything and nothing is helping me get out of this rut. I'm just trying to cope with how I feel day to day and trying to get by.

I'm not as low as I was before but I've really just gone from severe depression to moderately severe which isn't much of an upgrade but it's all I have at the moment.

My mild Summer depression continues. Not much energy. I lolled in bed til 2:00pm. I was out at 10:00am for my dog's potty but i go back to bed after. I don't sleep but i just can't face the empty day. I just lay there like a drunk. I'm way overdue for a shower. I've been wearing a baseball cap and that's such a shabby look for me. I was out to enjoy the cool breezy day in the evening tho.

Scrabble went well until i played this one overwhelming game. I've been upset ever since. It makes me feel so stupid, making the same mistakes over and over. I actually felt pretty good earlier. I was so overcome with love for my dog i picked her up and carried her. Now i feel miserable and my guts hurt.

I wish i had something to look forward to. Hypomania in the Fall but that's over two months away. I guess i just have to accept that i'm gonna feel rotten until the seasons change. It's not much of a life.

Kinda lousy day for me, so far. Hubby feels sick, which he often does. He has many health complaints. I know some are seriously legitimate, but do think a couple are exaggerated. I know he's under an extreme amount of stress. I believe if that could be alleviated, some of the health complaints would ease up. It's just how in the heck do we alleviate the stress? Yes, there are the usual suggestions, but sometimes they are not quite possible, or whatever!

I know my husband hates his job, but I think he's been suffering a little by not being around some of his workmates. I asked him if he wishes he could go back to the office, if it was safe to do so, and he gave an unequivocal "No!" I still think being around the people would be good. He needs that social support even more than I do. Actually, I've been missing alone time. And I mean more than just being alone in the bedroom with the door shut, while he's in his office. When hubby does return to the office, it's not going to be the same. His old roommate took a package, many were laid off, some furloughed, his old boss moved to Texas, and one nice (and young) colleague just died yesterday. The new "boss" is a rather wicked kind of lady that almost nobody likes. The head of the department is an a- h- 0 -1 -e. We kind of wish we could run away, but even that's currently not on the table.

I haven't heard anything about my psychiatrist, who is likely still in the hospital. Today I had recurring thoughts of anger in regards to my gynecologist's office cancelling on me four times already. They won't even call in a mammogram script, so I could get that done. I'm not worried about anything, in that respect, but I know for sure. For sure. That many people have suffered consequences, health-wise, because of cancelled appointments. In fact, I suspect that colleague of my husband who died yesterday might have been a victim of such decreased medical care. Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming doctors for all of this. I'm blaming the fact that this pandemic is as bad as it is right now. Bpcyclist, you're right that it affects some in this country much more than it does others.

I have a couple of things....

First, I have been sleeping between 9 and 11 hours each night for many months now. It's getting to be a real drag because I'd like to stay up later than I do. It has to do with my latuda and remeron, they both make me really tired about an hour after I take them. Not much to do except take them later and try to sleep less.

Secondly I feel like I've stopped growing as a person. I'm stuck in this rut of depression and an having a hard time finding my way through it. I literally don't do anything beyond going with the flow. I don't initiate anything, I just follow. I used to be a doer but now I just follow along. If there's nothing to do then I do nothing.

I haven't written in quite a while and am having a hard time motivating myself.

Neither of these are new and I don't see quick solutions to them. I guess I'm just venting.

My pdoc is out of ideas with respect to medications and I'm waiting for a referral to a special clinic for more treatment options, but who knows when that might happen.

no sleep.

in huge amounts of pain

depressed

hot
yeah I'm great (feel the sarcasm)

Im sorry things are so hard right now

Ill be the first to say I understand how having him home daily is an adjustment. When Steve had to stop working and was home all the time it was really hard for me to adjust to it,,,yes the lack of "alone time" and that is a perfectly okay feeling to have, so do not beat yourself up.

Does your husband have an hobbies that might help distract him? I know you guys are stuck right now because of his job and you couldnt move over seas even if you wanted to

The stress of "life" right now is just overwhelming. My news station did a report on the effect all this has on people and of course it was anxiety and depression but they also found people were having more issues with pain and over all feeling ill which could be anxiety or its a health problem that needs addressed.

My daughters county in Florida is now on a mandatory mask order. She can still go out and ride her bike with no mask, she isnt around other people. She carries a mask in case she does need it. But social distancing and not gathering in groups is what the important part is.

Thats awful about such a young guy dying Any news on what happened? so sad

As for having annual medical testing ? Its a tough one. Is the imaging facility allowing for annual screenings? I know for a month or so here they were not doing any kind annual testing.

Hope things get easier soon

Well I am far to twitchy about the Risk of Covid to get my MRI, US and Mammo on the 6th so I am calling to cancel in the morning, Yes they are all important as I have a nodule on my Thyroid and a Adnoma on my Pituitary gland and Mammo, my grandmother died of breast cancer, my Mom had more biopsies than I can count. Im sure I'll hold on my Colonoscopy in July too.. I would have to have my husband come because your not allowed to drive yourself, so that would put him in a medical facility and he needs to stay as far away as possible.

The numbers here almost doubled in a day and they will only continue to rise.

Well today was the first time in almost 3 months that my husbands oxygen was at 93 on room air, at rest .. I am hoping that he will continue to feel better. Its going to be a slow recovery but finally we are seeing something positive albeit small, I'll take it !

Hugs and calorie free cookies to all

Thanks, Christina

It saddens me that people like you and your husband are caught in this pandemic mess having serious health issues to struggle with. I almost wish your state was more where mine is in the pandemic control, heading way down in cases, rather than up.

My local radiology group is open for routine mammograms. That's why I wish I could finally get one. I'm going to cross my finger that my gynecologist's office doesn't cancel my appointment next week. My appointment last week was cancelled because she was working at the hospital. Delivering a baby? Anyway, it was the fourth cancellation. I just want the tests over with. I'm glad Steve at least got some important tests done, and have new medications to try. You know that I, and all here, are pulling for both of you to find relief soon.

You brought up hobbies for hubby. You know, we can't even think of what we'd like to do. There's like no interest/excitement in doing anything. It's like we need some kind of kick start at some point. Plus, hubby has to work most of the day, during the work week. He does take long lunches, but that's all he can afford. His phone is ringing almost constantly. Every time it does, he curses, so that's a lot.

My husband had a bad stomach ache yesterday. He was blaming all kinds of things, including his medications, which I think he's wrong about. In any case, he didn't take any this morning. I reminded him that's not advisable, but he's stubborn. In the end, a heating pad on his stomach and sips of regular ginger ale seemed to help. I encouraged him to take today off to relax/recoup. The problem is that he barely has any time to take off. In the long ago past, people got X number of sick days, Y number of personal days, and Z number of vacation days. Now he gets zero sick days, and must take the personal days for that. And they don't get them to use automatically. They have to earn the hours for them. Basically, benefits at many companies are going down the tubes. The corporations give many employees less and less and yet don't pay them much more at all. Standards of living are going down down down, except for the richest in the country. Jeff Bezos is now a trillionare, while so many people aren't even given a living wage. I wish Bezos would abandon his stupid rocket to Mars project and contribute the money to something that actually helps people, and civilization, more. But no, he and Elon Musk have to play with ultra expensive little boy toys. If they think achieving such Mars projects make them heroes, I respond with two hearty New Jersey middle fingers.[Maybe one alone by a New Yorker carries more weight than one alone in NJ, but two together in NJ carries the most weight of all, I think in the world.]