Bipolar check-in #48

Wowzer--so glad you are feeling better, Jennifer. It has been one of the only drugs ever to help my depression, along with three others. I have tried maybe 20 or so over the decades, pretty poor batting avg...

Hugs!!

No sleep on my horizon. Pretty darn hypo at 0034 hrs. Whatever. It's fine. Albert is on nap #1 of 16 of the new day, so, got that goin' for us--which is nice...

On a Naked & Afraid XL marathon. It is at my meager intellectual level.

Hug and love to all!!

Not sure if I was hallucinating yesterday or legitimately saw things from other dimensions other people couldn't see. Yeah, it was a fun day at work. I learned a new ride! (And yeah, I'm online at 4am playing "Shameful Metaphors" by Chevelle on repeat).
I also got an email from the park saying I'm going to have more days during the week off than expected. This is fantastic because I think I'm going to want to go to group a little more often and they're not open on the weekends.
I keep getting distracted but I have a lot to say but I guess this is it.

spikes, do you believe you can see things from other dimensions others cannot see? Just curious. I sometimes fell this way.

I'm at three weeks of whatever this mania is. I realized this morning that when I take my trileptal higher dose in the morning I buy myself a few hours of relief and sanity. It doesn't seem to last through the afternoon though. It's weird.

I've decided to call my p-doc on Tuesday when they are back in the office and ask for biweekly appointments until I'm back in control of myself. My life is full of changes at work. Tons. They keep on coming. Hit after hit, and they are bad. I'm doing everything I can to hold myself together, but its so hard. I need the adjustments to go faster, and I need her to be actively involved in the awful process. I found a great program at a local hospital where they will evaluate me, design a coping strategy, recommend a medicine regimen, and work with my perscriber to find the right care plan. It's a place that focuses on bipolar. That sounds awesome. I told my pdoc's secretary about it, and hoped she wouldn't butcher the message and somehow it came back to me, as 'fine, you want to get a second opinion you can get one.' Jeesh. Can't we be adult enough to recognize that my life is literally at stake here? Every nerve in my body is being scraped at the same time. My head won't stop spinning. Yet I still hate everything about myself. Everything. And yet I am fighting. Stupid.

Sending love and vibes to those who need it. Rainbow, I'm so sorry for your loss. I haven't been able to say it until now. bpcyclist, I've been worried about you, too.

Yeah, yesterday for example I saw a golf cart but it was in the same spot as a picnic table and they wouldn't knowingly leave a golf cart around. Sometimes it was there and sometimes it wasn't. Similar things keep happening no matter where I am.

Thanks for the support, swimmer--I really appreciate it. I am just happy you are advocating for yourself.

You’d think I could catch a break. It’s funny how the mind works. I’m finally in a place away from major sources of my stress and anxiety and I can be independent. Things are coming together and I was feeling great. Then, the memories and images started again.

I’m not ready to process this crap. I just want to work towards my positive goals and enjoy my days off. Too bad my mind has different plans.

I’m sorry— I know this isn’t a trauma thread, so I won’t get into it too much. It’s just if it’s not one issue it’s another. I cant control it so I have to do something with it. My therapist and I meet next week, I guess I’ll try to tune it out until then.

I haven’t left the bed in these days off. It’s partly because of all the crap that’s flooding my brain, and partially because I’m just lazy. At least at work I’m being productive. I’m kinda ready to go back, haha.

Just to share a piece of a song that really resonates with me today. I kinda look at it as what’s happening these days.

“From the bottom of my heart
Comes a cold dark feeling
I have buried so much in the layers I’m peeling
From the bottom of my heart
A battle with come
Marching back up the steps
Into the rays of the sun

From the bottom of my heart
Comes a cold dark feeling
Wrapped around tight
With no sign of leaving...”

So I’ll leave it at that: I’m trying to enjoy the triumph of what I have been through recently, and I’m fighting. I deserve to enjoy that happiness, right?

I’ll be OK. There’s too much good right now to focus on the bad.

I feel ok mood wise I’m just kind of anxious. I found a new show to watch. Well actually I used to watch it when I was a kid but I found it again this morning on a streaming service. I can tell my Geodon is working since I’m a lot calmer then I used to be and I seem to be happier with myself and the world isn’t freaking me out as much as it used to. I did have some odd SI thoughts in the back of my head last night. But overall I’m fine and I haven’t even really been giving my therapist much of a thought let alone emailing her the way I had been. My inflamed acne is still kind of bad and it’s freaking me out a bit since I’ve been on the antibiotics for several days.

I rely on meditation a lot when I am in this place. Hugs.

Mum requested a trip to the store for oatmeal. She’s in a cookie making mood. So we went to the big store to get everything at once. Arby’s is right there so we drove tho for the $1 root beer floats! Yum I sure do miss A&W especially the old days when drinks came in chilled mugs. It a very hot muggy day and a float hit the spot. Feels good to get back to the AC.

Feeling bad, but I think it is because I significantly reduced my Trileptal dose, and will soon have to do the same with my Zoloft dose, too.

Unfortunately, I have to cut all of my doses in half. I tried getting my Rx's filled in advance on Friday, but Walgreens' website said I had no refills left... on ANY of them. I called them up and they confirmed I had no refills. Then I called my pdoc's assistant and she said that my pdoc sent my Rx's with 2 refills last visit. So at that point, the pharmacy and my pdoc's assistant were pointing fingers at each other.

Long story short, I looked at my Rx bottles and the labels said I had refills, but the pharmacy was saying no. I called them again and they were like, "oh lol... here they are. lol. lol. lol." Aaaaaaaaaand now they're out of stock and I have to wait until they're filled. Not that lamictal is expensive without insurance, but my insurance has the balls to reject it... because I guess, why not, right? Let's just make this a royal shitshow.

Feeling nostalgic and old. Watching videos of when my kids were very little- as in under 3 and one bit where I was pregnant with N3. To me I should live 2001 all over again. There were videos of me breastfeeding N2 and when N1 was 4 months old. I think I'm having a midlife crisis what with N3 having just moved out. It was just like yesterday that I saw that + hpt staring back at me with two bold pink lines. Im gonna try to go to bed earlier as I didnt get to sleep till after 3 last night.

I'm sorry this stuff is coming up for you, MA.
Out of curiosity (and you don't have to answer, just a thought), was there any correlation between your days off and this trouble starting up (or increasing) for you? For me, the more time I have and the less productive things to occupy my mind is when things tend to be most problematic. (Not that things don't happen at other times, you know what I mean).

You DO deserve to enjoy that happiness!
You have been making great strides!
I hope this trouble abates for you soon!

Can you ask your Shytty drug plan to tell you how to start getting direct mail 3 month supplies of medications so that you dont have to deal with this constant nonsense of your pharmacy being out of your meds?? "Most plans " offer this...

Hope you can get then ASAP

Hugs, Moose. Sure wish u felt u cld talk w ur pdoc...
Kinda hard to help if u don't know what is happening.

I use Walgreens auto refill. I’ve only once in more than a decade had to take a partial refill. I get three months worth at a time. Back when I was on pain meds they were a pain to deal with, but on my regular and psych meds never a problem.

Aww, ur taking me back to my childhood...

I think we shld write a group book about all the rx cluster &;:#s we have had. Ugh.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bluebicycle Feeling bad, but I think it is because I significantly reduced my Trileptal dose, and will soon have to do the same with my Zoloft dose, too. Unfortunately, I have to cut all of my doses in half. I tried getting my Rx's filled in advance on Friday, but Walgreens' website said I had no refills left... on ANY of them. I called them up and they confirmed I had no refills. Then I called my pdoc's assistant and she said that my pdoc sent my Rx's with 2 refills last visit. So at that point, the pharmacy and my pdoc's assistant were pointing fingers at each other. Long story short, I looked at my Rx bottles and the labels said I had refills, but the pharmacy was saying no. I called them again and they were like, "oh lol... here they are. lol. lol. lol." Aaaaaaaaaand now they're out of stock and I have to wait until they're filled. Not that lamictal is expensive without insurance, but my insurance has the balls to reject it... because I guess, why not, right? Let's just make this a royal shitshow.

blue, why do you have to cut your meds?

Her Pharmacy is out of her meds and they have to order them , So cutting doses is the easiest way to hold things over if you take into consideration the half life the meds have.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moose72 Feeling nostalgic and old. Watching videos of when my kids were very little- as in under 3 and one bit where I was pregnant with N3. To me I should live 2001 all over again. There were videos of me breastfeeding N2 and when N1 was 4 months old. I think I'm having a midlife crisis what with N3 having just moved out. It was just like yesterday that I saw that + hpt staring back at me with two bold pink lines. Im gonna try to go to bed earlier as I didnt get to sleep till after 3 last night.

Empty nest was the hardest and most vicious thing I've ever been through. For much of a decade I was miserable, and it felt like there was no one to talk with about how I felt. I really believe there needs to be more support for moms who are empty-nesters. I couldn't find anything IRL or online when I needed support.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Christina Her Pharmacy is out of her meds and they have to order them , So cutting doses is the easiest way to hold things over if you take into consideration the half life the meds have.

Ohhh, yeah. That. So wrong. I get the "we have to order" a lot; I figure it's because I live in a smallish town??

This grief thing is hard. And it is made worse knowing that I have to go through losing a person I love in the next months or year.

My other cat is sticking close to me. I know she knows something happened; she saw him die and seemed to want to come over to the body but never did. She looks for him occasionally but mostly sticks close to me. We gain comffort from each other.

I slept from about 11 until 12:15 and then from 12:30 until 4 and now it's 4 and I'm pretty wide awake. It's hard to not focus on the memories of Charlie's last 40 minutes. They were rough. I did everything I could but it was just hard and the memories aren't pretty. So I have to get rid of the memories to be able to sleep except when the clozapine really kicks in.

My pdoc said I can take more klonopin but when I need it is times like now and I can't be even more sedated (I'm awake but still can feel the med) because the washer repair man is coming to fix my washer tomorrow morning. He wasn't more specific about times so it could be 7 and could be 11:30. But regardless I have to be ready to get up as sooon as my mom calls me (he's to call her when he leaves). So I really need to get back to sleep.

One thing I'm glad of: my sister asked me to put a binding on a special blanket for my niece because she is getting a new bedroom for her birthday. She's always slept with a blanket I made so we kept up the tradition. I wasn't sure I'd get it done with the sedation and sadness and lack of interest in anything. But I did, with only one major error that cost me 30 minutes of my life, so that's not bad. Now I just have to wrap her presents and I'm ready for our socially distanced, mask wearing, half the family, party.

Anyway, time to try to sleep some more. I really hope I'm not up for the day at 4. I kinda feel like I am but I don't believe it.

Anxiety is a pain in the butt