[FluffyDinosaur]

My SI used to manifest mostly as impulses, but lately it's become more of a conviction that I just don't want to live anymore. The only problem is, I have to, because I have a family and kids counting on me. That makes me feel trapped, like I've got myself tangled in a web that I can't escape from. And like I'm condemned to just wander around feeling empty and meaningless for another 60 years or whatever. I find myself wishing my wife would just leave me already so I wouldn't have to feel guilty anymore. I don't know if it's just the depression talking but I don't like the prospect of carrying on like this.

[peaches45]

Sorry you are having such a bad time right now. I know the feeling of walking around empty and meaningless. This has been my mood for the past couple of days. Things will get better. It all takes time and truly is a process. I am finding I have to find myself again before I can contribute to my family emotionally. Writing in a journal helps. And what has helped me and my husband is a communication book. It is easier for him to know what I am going through if I write it down then he reads it.

[FluffyDinosaur]

Originally Posted by peaches45

Sorry you are having such a bad time right now. I know the feeling of walking around empty and meaningless. This has been my mood for the past couple of days. Things will get better. It all takes time and truly is a process. I am finding I have to find myself again before I can contribute to my family emotionally. Writing in a journal helps. And what has helped me and my husband is a communication book. It is easier for him to know what I am going through if I write it down then he reads it.

Thank you, and you're right of course. I do journal but I haven't tried a communication book yet. I have issues expressing my emotions, it always makes me feel like I'm manipulating people or trying to attract attention, so I tend not to do that sort of thing.

I reckon I'm down to just a few good weeks a year at this point. I don't even want to know what that adds up to over a lifetime. You must be right that things will improve, it's just kind of hard to see that now or to even remember what it's like to be stable. It's not just that my own life feels meaningless, but the whole world feels unreal and I can't connect to other people or the things they do at all, and I can't relate. Makes me feel like an alien just acting out a role in order to seem "normal" but always being utterly isolated when it comes down to it.

[*Beth*]

I'm so sorry, FluffyD.

I can't recall...are you seeing a therapist?

So many of us here feel like we're playing a role. That's a primary reason why I don't mind being alone as much as I am. Being alone is much easier than not being able to be genuinely myself.

I hope (and I believe) that Lamictal will help you to feel more stable. It really is such a "mellow" med...it quietly does its job, really well. You're still not at a therapeutic dose, so be patient (I know it's hard).

I wish I could wave a magic wand and make you feel better. I can't, but I will tell you that I'm sure glad you're here. So stick around here and remember that this is a place where you always have support and friendship, and understanding.

[FluffyDinosaur]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I'm so sorry, FluffyD.

I can't recall...are you seeing a therapist?

So many of us here feel like we're playing a role. That's a primary reason why I don't mind being alone as much as I am. Being alone is much easier than not being able to be genuinely myself.

I hope (and I believe) that Lamictal will help you to feel more stable. It really is such a "mellow" med...it quietly does its job, really well. You're still not at a therapeutic dose, so be patient (I know it's hard).

I wish I could wave a magic wand and make you feel better. I can't, but I will tell you that I'm sure glad you're here. So stick around here and remember that this is a place where you always have support and friendship, and understanding.

Thank you, yes I am seeing a therapist and I've kind of tried to talk about this, but I find it hard to convey the feeling exactly. I often do think it would be easier to be alone, especially since I'm a loner by nature. But at the same time I suppose it's good to have that sense of responsibility towards my kids to counter the SI. I also have my hopes set on the Lamictal. We'll find out soon enough, but in any case thank you for your kind words!

[*Beth*]

I know it's hard, but I do believe that having responsibility for your family is grounding.


When will you reach a therapeutic level of Lamictal?

[FluffyDinosaur]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I know it's hard, but I do believe that having responsibility for your family is grounding.

When will you reach a therapeutic level of Lamictal?

Yes, I think you're right. Much as I often wish I were free to check out whenever I want, I think that's just the depression talking. I should reach 100mg Lamictal in one and a half weeks from now, and 200mg one week after that. I've also switched to taking the Lamictal in the morning, and that does seem to help my sleep somewhat.

[peaches45]

When my depression hits me hard I cry all the time. I try to put my focus on my son and hide my feelings from him. Which honestly, I think it makes it worse on all of us. He is 13 and he understands more then I wish he did. I was in the hospital and I was so mad when my husband brought him to see me. But then I realized he shouldn't be left in the dark, it is more confusing for kids if the situation is not explained to them in a manner they can understand. There are so many times I wish I could just get in my car and drive just drive along way away and never look back. But, running is not the answer either. Just take a few minutes each day maybe a walk or something to clear your mind the best you can. Yes, I know it is easier said then done. I hope you get to feeling better soon.

[FluffyDinosaur]

Originally Posted by peaches45

When my depression hits me hard I cry all the time. I try to put my focus on my son and hide my feelings from him. Which honestly, I think it makes it worse on all of us. He is 13 and he understands more then I wish he did. I was in the hospital and I was so mad when my husband brought him to see me. But then I realized he shouldn't be left in the dark, it is more confusing for kids if the situation is not explained to them in a manner they can understand. There are so many times I wish I could just get in my car and drive just drive along way away and never look back. But, running is not the answer either. Just take a few minutes each day maybe a walk or something to clear your mind the best you can. Yes, I know it is easier said then done. I hope you get to feeling better soon.

Thanks, I hope so too! I also often keep my feelings to myself, which can indeed make it worse. At the same time I usually get frustrated trying to talk about it because I can't really get the point across, at least not to my wife. I imagine it's hard to really understand it unless you have it. I suppose that's why my therapist is so valuable to me.

[*Beth*]

Years ago I asked my husband to come into a therapy session with me so we could discuss my mental illness. We ended up doing 3 sessions and it did help. Is that something you would be able to do with your wife?

With regard to the Lamictal...the waiting is the hardest part. You don't have too much longer to reach 200. 2 1/2 weeks. I'm pretty sure it feels like a long time, but you know...it'll fly by.

As for checking out - yes, FluffyD. It's your depression talking.

[FluffyDinosaur]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Years ago I asked my husband to come into a therapy session with me so we could discuss my mental illness. We ended up doing 3 sessions and it did help. Is that something you would be able to do with your wife?

With regard to the Lamictal...the waiting is the hardest part. You don't have too much longer to reach 200. 2 1/2 weeks. I'm pretty sure it feels like a long time, but you know...it'll fly by.

As for checking out - yes, FluffyD. It's your depression talking.

Thanks, yeah I think the time will go quickly, especially if I try not to pay too much attention to it. My wife did go to therapy with me once, but I'm not sure if I liked it. I don't like to draw too much attention to my issues because I always feel like she'll think worse of me for it or at least grow tired of it. I also don't like making myself the center of attention like that. She and my therapist would probably both say it's not like that, but I can't shake the feeling.

[*Beth*]

I got a shiver when I read what you wrote here ^^^

I feel exactly the same way. I don't ever bring my family into my "mental illness realm" because it feels so...like there's a spotlight on me...and I hate that. They could think I'm shameful - or they could find me annoying and boring. But of course, I feel very isolated and misunderstood.

I imagine many, many people with MI feel as we do.


But what I posted is incorrect; I recalled incorrectly, that is. I had taken my husband into the 3 therapy sessions with me not to discuss my mental illness, but to discuss how to manage the anger between us. It was many, many years ago, but I remember thinking, "My anger is part of my mental illness, can't they see that" - but not saying those words aloud because I didn't want to focus on *my* MI.

[FluffyDinosaur]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I got a shiver when I read what you wrote here ^^^

I feel exactly the same way. I don't ever bring my family into my "mental illness realm" because it feels so...like there's a spotlight on me...and I hate that. They could think I'm shameful - or they could find me annoying and boring. But of course, I feel very isolated and misunderstood.

I know exactly what you mean about feeling isolated and misunderstood. My therapist has been trying to get me to put that into words but I'm finding it difficult to really explain. It's good to see that I'm not the only one who feels that way. Have you also had an increase in those feelings now with the covid situation and its impact on therapy?

Originally Posted by BethRags

But what I posted is incorrect; I recalled incorrectly, that is. I had taken my husband into the 3 therapy sessions with me not to discuss my mental illness, but to discuss how to manage the anger between us. It was many, many years ago, but I remember thinking, "My anger is part of my mental illness, can't they see that" - but not saying those words aloud because I didn't want to focus on *my* MI.

Yes, I agree that anger is definitely part of it (for me it's a result of irritability). I think it can be difficult for others to really acknowledge that. In a sense I wish they would, but in another sense I'm not sure I want people to "forgive" me for it because it would make me feel like I'm not being held responsible for my actions, which would make me feel as though I'm being treated like a child, if that makes sense.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by FluffyDinosaur

I know exactly what you mean about feeling isolated and misunderstood. My therapist has been trying to get me to put that into words but I'm finding it difficult to really explain. It's good to see that I'm not the only one who feels that way. Have you also had an increase in those feelings now with the covid situation and its impact on therapy?

100% absolutely! Believe me, I am very grateful for teletherapy as opposed to no therapy. That said, I miss in person therapy very much. Sure, it's the actual sessions with my therapist, but it's the other little things, too...getting dressed to go out, driving over, seeing the receptionists and saying hi, maybe chatting a bit.

Basically, being in an environment that is different than the one I'm in almost all of the time.

Yes, I agree that anger is definitely part of it (for me it's a result of irritability). I think it can be difficult for others to really acknowledge that. In a sense I wish they would, but in another sense I'm not sure I want people to "forgive" me for it because it would make me feel like I'm not being held responsible for my actions, which would make me feel as though I'm being treated like a child, if that makes sense.

It does make sense. I've never thought of that perspective. It seems to me that communication is the way to handle the irritability/anger bundle. Well, communication, medication, and oftentimes physically reaching out can have an amazing effect.

By reaching out, I mean this...my husband and I have been a couple for 38 years. Never once, in all that time, has he reacted to my irritability or anger by showing that he acknowledges me feeling upset by physically touching me and speaking softly. He just gets defensive, which usually exacerbates the situation.

Some weeks ago I mentioned to my husband that I had had a session (months ago) in which I was raging at my therapist over her being late. I really came unglued in her office. Her response was to focus in and listen. Then she stood up and sat down next to me, put her arms around me and held me. It was like magic. I instantly felt validated, heard, and loved. I felt calmed.

I guess my husband was listening to me recounting the experience with my therapist, because yesterday when I was very irritable, he walked over, put his hand on my shoulder, and said "I know you're upset, but I didn't mean it that way" in a calm voice. Immediately, I felt calmer and more receptive to dialoguing with him.

Anyway. Don't even know if this is relevant...just throwing thoughts out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[FluffyDinosaur]

Originally Posted by BethRags

100% absolutely! Believe me, I am very grateful for teletherapy as opposed to no therapy. That said, I miss in person therapy very much. Sure, it's the actual sessions with my therapist, but it's the other little things, too...getting dressed to go out, driving over, seeing the receptionists and saying hi, maybe chatting a bit.

Basically, being in an environment that is different than the one I'm in almost all of the time.

Yes, I experience it the same way. I've found that my therapy sessions are really important for me to compartmentalize so I can chop things up into short periods of time, which is a lot less daunting than the prospect of facing the same endless cascade of symptoms for who knows how long. The teletherapy sessions don't have the same effect of cutting time into manageable fragments because I don't even leave the house, so it's just another day and I don't get that feeling of compartmentalization.

Originally Posted by BethRags

It does make sense. I've never thought of that perspective. It seems to me that communication is the way to handle the irritability/anger bundle. Well, communication, medication, and oftentimes physically reaching out can have an amazing effect.

By reaching out, I mean this...my husband and I have been a couple for 38 years. Never once, in all that time, has he reacted to my irritability or anger by showing that he acknowledges me feeling upset by physically touching me and speaking softly. He just gets defensive, which usually exacerbates the situation.

Some weeks ago I mentioned to my husband that I had had a session (months ago) in which I was raging at my therapist over her being late. I really came unglued in her office. Her response was to focus in and listen. Then she stood up and sat down next to me, put her arms around me and held me. It was like magic. I instantly felt validated, heard, and loved. I felt calmed.

I guess my husband was listening to me recounting the experience with my therapist, because yesterday when I was very irritable, he walked over, put his hand on my shoulder, and said "I know you're upset, but I didn't mean it that way" in a calm voice. Immediately, I felt calmer and more receptive to dialoguing with him.

Anyway. Don't even know if this is relevant...just throwing thoughts out.

Yes, I think I know what you mean. Often when I'm so angry it really comes from a place of pain, but it's hard for people to see that so they fight back when you really just want them to understand you. It's great that your husband did that!

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by FluffyDinosaur

Yes, I experience it the same way. I've found that my therapy sessions are really important for me to compartmentalize so I can chop things up into short periods of time, which is a lot less daunting than the prospect of facing the same endless cascade of symptoms for who knows how long. The teletherapy sessions don't have the same effect of cutting time into manageable fragments because I don't even leave the house, so it's just another day and I don't get that feeling of compartmentalization.

Yes! An excellent way to phrase the feeling.