Bipolar Check-In #49

I had a peaceful night. I didn't sleep at all, (which would have obviously made it bettter), but compared to most nights it was rather quiet in the way
of thoughts or flashbackk

mentally I am doing okay today, mood's good and I've eaten fruit (so a nice healthy breakfast)

physically though I wish I was in another body. it really hurts

Utterly and completely beat!

I'm in Paris. It's about 4 pm and I'm ready to go to sleep again. I did sleep a little bit on the planes. We transited through Lisbon this morning. There is a lively French-speaking family in the apartment next door. I like the location of our Airbnb. It's not far from the Louvre.

The TV was on (muted) when we arrived in our mini apartment. Bpcyclist, it's the Tour de France.

I am about to take a much needed shower after Hubby does. He already talked to his sister and nephew through Whatsapp.

It appears (knock on wood) that I'm coming out of the mixed episode.

But now I'm feeling some confusion and a good deal of anxiety about getting back to life as I knew it before this all started, now I guess about a month ago.

Maybe it's the Zyprexa, or in part, but I don't feel like all of 'me' is still there. I don't know if this makes any sense. I just feel like I haven't come around to being fully me yet.

At the worst of this episode, I looked in the mirror, at my eyes, and it wasn't me, or so I thought. It was a horrific feeling and something similar had happened during a manic episode, but then I thought I could see the monster inside of me through my eyes. Now I see most of me, but not all of me...

I can't wait to get off the Zyprexa. I'm supposed to email my pdoc on Monday and then I'll see her sometime next week.

I think I just need a little more time to come back fully into myself.

I just found out YESTERDAY that my grandpa had FREAKING STROKE and no one told me. I am DONE with the emotional secrecy in this family. Everyone tiptoes around each other because no one wants to upset anyone so important information doesn’t get passed on just because it’s negative. Hello???? Shouldn’t I ****ing know my grandpa had a STROKE? What if he had died or been put in a coma, wound no one have told me that until “the right time”? My mom didn’t even take the time to tell me!!! My grandma just mentioned it at the party yesterday. I could tell she thought I knew. I’m so pissed at my mom. I CAN ****ING HANDLE BAD THINGS HAPPENING. Just because SHE can’t doesn’t mean everyone else can’t.

I told my brother because he deserves to know too. My mom wasn’t even going to tell him nana died! She actually asked me if she should call him! ****ING YES YOU SHOULD! What, are you afraid because he doesn’t like you?

Ugh. I’m done with it. My son will NOT grow up like this.

Anyway, I found out it was a mid level stroke. He’s lost function on his right side and his speech is slurred to the point where it’s almost unintelligible. I am planning on making an appointment with the nursing home and visiting him, since we don’t know how much time he has left. My grandma is trying to put on a brave face but I can tell she’s really struggling. I don’t blame her. They’ve been married sixty years. They’ve had a pretty Rocky relationship, with him being an alcoholic for much of it, but still, sixty years is sixty years. I told her if she ever needs anything to call me, even if it’s just to talk. She’s seeing a therapist now so that’s good.

Thankfully I have my tattoo appointment today to take my mind off everything.

You made it! Yay! Have some Bearnise for me.

Remember, the part of the brain that recognizes faces is broken in some mixed episodes. You will make it through this.

Hugs.

So sorry, wfc. I found out a best family pal had AIDS and was dying by accident. Same deal.

Hugs for grandpa and grandma.

My grandma just called me. My grandpa is refusing medication and refusing to eat/drink. They put him on an iv for hydration. She is likely going to organize hospice care through the nursing home. Unsure whether she is going to bring him home for hospice, if it’s even feasible. His room at their house is very small. I’m sure she would like him to pass in the comfort of his own home but it may not be realistic.

It’s so hard. I’ve lost many people, and each one is hard. My grandpa, it’s less heart wrenching because he’s lived a very long life, but still. It hurts to see someone go.

WFC, I'm so sorry. That's pretty messed up. We had some pretty messed up dynamics too. My mother was such an example of a perpetrator of PAS (parental alienation syndrome) that she never bothered to tell me my paternal grandma died. She's horribleness wrapped up in sheep's clothing. We have spoken once, briefly, in the last 20 years or so. I just don't need her **** in my life. Secretive family dynamics suck. I hope you can figure out what works best for you.

I hope things go as well as possible for your grandpa.

Love and hugs to all

Why do people have to shout?

I hear ya. My grandmothers both died in their mid-90's but still I cried. You always want your grandmothers to be the same as when you were a kid- never getting older than 60.

This morning I talked with my sister who was recently hospitalised. She is home now and sounds like she is doing well.

Another treat this morning, I made cinnamon rolls for breakfast and two pots of coffee for hydration.

Now I've got to do laundry.

It's been 27 days since my last ECT but right now I'm feeling ok. I hope it lasts until Friday when I get my next treatment.

Well I've been goofing off for a while today so its time to get back to it! More to go through. But we got the closet cleaned out! That's all we've been doing- sorting through stuff in closets and packing the stuff I'm keeping. I found a bill for my tummy tuck- $10,000ish! Ain't no way I could afford that now. I paid for it with credit and did make payments... My mom is coming back over very soon. It won't be too soon for N3 to get his stuff out! Donate, throw out, or take with, but get it outta here! N2 has a similar problem, but its nowhere near as big as she moved out in January.. I wonder what my new furniture will be like at my new place? Well, maybe not NEW new, but new to me. Oh- my mom took my picture from the front and from the side this morning. Nothing I asked for, she just asked me to stand up and started taking pix! She says I'm "skinny" now. Ha! No, I'm not. I'm just not as big as I once was. It's all relative! My scale is way off too. One day it will say I'm one amount and another day it will say 5 pounds heavier/less! That's a huge discrepancy when you're trying to lose weight. Welp, time to change the record again. Those record sides are so short! Hope everyone is having a lovely day!

Not gonna lie I feel sick physically today. My stomach is really really queasy and I can’t eat much. I don’t have a temp or a cough. So I don’t think it’s Covid. And everyone else in my house feels fine. It could just be general nerves too about stuff. I don’t even really feel worn out or tired and I haven’t been sleeping that great either. It’s mainly just my stomach. My moods are ok.

It would be fine if California would neatly break away from the rest of the country, calmly float out into the Pacific, and become an island. As it is, the heat is brutal and there are more fires. Really bad air quality. I'm staying inside (as usual) with a/c, the 2 remaining fans that work, a book, my computer, and my 5 sleepy cats.

Hugs all 'round!

I feel better now after eating some regular Lays Potato Chips and taking my night meds. I have a pizza cooking in the oven for dinner. I think I may just have a lot of understandable stress and nerves. I also haven’t eaten much in a few days. And I took some extra strength Tylenol late last night on an empty stomach which always does a number on my stomach when I do that.

Im so sorry Wild

Yes your Mom needs to start sharing this stuff.. Its sad to lose family... hear that he just is ready is a big deal. he wants to be home and surrounded by loved one. That will be a gift for him and for you all.

When my grandmother was dying she wanted to be home with us they brought the Bed and all the equipment needed. Our home wasnt big and she was in bed in the living room, But she was with loved ones and the hospice nurses are true angels

Just ate dinner. My usual chicken. My stomach hurts now, though. Its not because they're spicy - I've had them plenty of times before. I also drank water with dinner instead of milk and put half the amount of milk in my smoothie and the other half water. Milk has a lot of calories- even the 2%. I'm hoping I can lose another 10 or 20 pounds by my appointment in November- its a yearly check up. I hope my cholesterol will be down, too, but it was one of my meds making it high in the first place- as in 700! Last time we checked, it WAS lower than that, but I don't remember the number. Something still too high. Normal is below 200! I was at 133 15 years ago with my good cholesterol higher than my bad. That's the way it SHOULD be. Now if I could only find time to walk! I guess cleaning and sorting burns more calories than just sitting and I'm doing that almost every day. I wish my kids would get their little cute butts over here and get their STUFF! Supposedly N3 is coming tomorrow or Tuesday.

Hugs, wfc.

Steely Dan predicted this. Sure it is coming.

Yeah I think my grandma is just overwhelmed and in shock right now and scrambling trying to figure out what to do. I know she would definitely prefer to have him home. I think we all would. At least I could go see him. My son could see him too. He loves my son. Always says he wants him to go to Princeton university lol. I don’t think my son would be committed to schooling enough to make the necessary scores/grades/extracurriculars to get in, though he may surprise me when he gets into high school! But my grandfather positively lights up when he sees him. It would be incredible for him to see him one last time.

My grandfather’s room is small but it already has a hospital bed in it. The trick would be getting him up the stairs. He’d have to climb stairs to get into the house, then climb a small set to get up to his room. Although they might be able to set something up in the family room on the ground floor. My grandma has been wanting to chuck the couch down there for ages.

I dunno. I did call my brother and let him know the new developments. And I texted my mom and told her she absolutely MUST call me AND my brother at work if anything happens during the day. I will be extremely, extremely angry if she intentionally doesn’t.

I don’t have much experience with hospice but it is my understanding that when a person is placed in hospice they don’t last much longer. I know my father in law was placed in hospice for terminal cancer and within a week he was gone. I’m trying to steel myself for the possibility that by this time next week, my grandfather may be gone. I know that by refusing to eat or take meds he is making it clear that he does not want to continue living this way. He may have dementia but I fully believe he has enough mental faculties to make that decision. I support him. His quality of living has declined drastically in the past year. Every day is worse than the last. And now, with a stroke...I can imagine that he’s made peace and just wants it to end.

I hope she does bring him home. I really want to see him one last time.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. You've had so much loss this year.

I don't know if this helps or not but patients are eligible for hospice when the dr feels their lifespan is 6 months or less. That's obviously a guess and some people live a lot longer but that's the rule. Sometimes it's much faster for various reasons, often a new but serious diagnosis or a delayed decision to go on hospice by the patient or family.

Hospice is really good at helping people be home if at all possible if that's what the family wants. I hope that if that's your grandma's wish it can be fulfilled. I also hope you are able to visit. This is a hard time with COVID to go through this kind of thing.

Thoughts and prayers for you and your family

Quote:

Originally Posted by bpcyclist Steely Dan predicted this. Sure it is coming.

Ha! True that - and it surely is!



A little down this afternoon. Some old fears surfacing. I'm using CBT and some breath work to work through it. I've never been keen on long week-ends, nor holidays. Anyway, I'll be glad to see this Sunday afternoon turn to night, moon, and stars - in my mind, anyway. The smoke obscures the stars, although we can usually see a bright, orange moon.

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 My grandma just called me. My grandpa is refusing medication and refusing to eat/drink. They put him on an iv for hydration. She is likely going to organize hospice care through the nursing home. Unsure whether she is going to bring him home for hospice, if it’s even feasible. His room at their house is very small. I’m sure she would like him to pass in the comfort of his own home but it may not be realistic. It’s so hard. I’ve lost many people, and each one is hard. My grandpa, it’s less heart wrenching because he’s lived a very long life, but still. It hurts to see someone go.

It's hard enough to lose someone without having to cope with family BS. I'm sorry, wfc. You are in my thoughts